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April 01, 2010

Weekend forecast: Sunny, bunnies, with a chance of guidos

Jersey-shore-ratingsPoor Easter Bunny. He's about to be upstaged (or poisoned) by the carrot-colored cast of Jersey Shore, which is en route to Miami and expected in town at some point this weekend. Perhaps the bunny will mistake Snooki, The Situation and co. for a snack and devour them before they have a chance to soil our shores. Wishful thinking, because we all know rabbits can't digest Power Bars, Red Bull, spray tan, Aqua Net, Axe Body Spray and Got2B Max-Control Styling Gel. And if the rabbit tried to consume these toxic ingredients, PETA would be down here faster than Kelly Bensimon can say "I’m not abusing animals. I’m just wearing fur." Anyway, we know what they did last summer and frankly, we're scared. We also think we know where they're staying and possibly "working" but we were told if we reveal that before they arrive, they may keep the cast from the gym and No Lines Tanning for a week and then sic 'em on us. Uh, no thank you. We'll just have to wait until they make their grand entrance to find out what places to avoid for the next month or so. In the meantime we never thought we'd say this, but the Kim Kardashian is suddenly looking like Grace Kelly in our eyes (with her sisters as the princess's lesser minions), though we wonder if they'll pull a cross-pollinating Happy Days visits Laverne & Shirley (Lenny, Squiggy and the Fonz were, after all, precursors to this whole Jersey mess) and bring the two reality shows together for one big, bad publicity stunted photo-op. And while they're at it, maybe the crew from "Miami Social Club" can stop by for a cameo. And then there's the Bad Girls Club. And then[Lost reference alert] a deceased Locke, possessed by forces of evil, will blow through here and smoke 'em all away and all that will remain will be flowing, breezy palm trees and a very hungry Hurley. The end.