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40 posts from October 2005

October 31, 2005

Saints disband; players sold on eBay

Aaron      Baton Rouge -- The Dolphins dominated New Orleans here Sunday, 21-6. The Saints, managing to make Miami look mighty, were immediately paved over and replaced by a parking lot.

     Saints quarterback Aaron Brooks (left) was sold on eBay for $38.50.

     Not to disparage Miami's victory (much), but, on an NFL day when winless Houston finally won and even moribund San Francisco prevailed, the crappy Saints officially became the worst team in the league and coach Jim Haslett was voted America's second-least-qualified man to hold a high-ranking position, after Dick Cheney.

October 30, 2005

Exclusive: Dead athletes not pulling their weight

     Forbes'Elvis  annual list of highest-earning dead celebrities lists Elvis Presley as top earner for 2005 at $45 million, followed by Peanuts creator Charles Schulz ($35 mill) and ex-Beatle John Lennon ($22M).

     None of the top 18 deceased celebs is a former sports star; talk about deadbeats! Analysts attribute the dearth of athletes to a sharp posthumous decline in revenue from autograph-signing sessions.

Excuse me, but Dolphins beat Saints

     Baton Rouge -- Just flew into town from Jacksonville, where I saw an alligator (python-like) swallow a bulldog whole. Now it's on to Dolphins-Saints later today in the Hurricane Bowl, a.k.a. The Return of Nick.Nick_1 Nick2

     The Dolphins were split up into two hotels due to heavy local booking from Katrina evacuees.   Nick Saban hated splitting up the team, but not as much as he hates all of Miami's defensive injuries.

     Do I hear plenty of excuses at the ready? Let there be none, please.

     This is a winnable game. So go win it.

October 29, 2005

Sign of the times

     Jacksonville -- Florida-Georgia kickoff now one hour away. Gators on the field wearing their one-time-only new uniforms, via a promotional agreement with Nike. Same as the old duds, except the left jersey sleeve only is orange. Looks lopsided. Dumb.

     Favorite sign seen while walking through the teeming, imbibing multitudes toward the stadium, held a loft toward passing cars by a partying Gator:

     SHOW YOUR BOOBIES OR THE TERRORISTS WIN!

     What a great country.

Gators spring a Leak, whup Dawgs

     Jacksonville -- Four hours before kickoff and I'm up here in The Former Nation's Smelliest City to predict Florida 31, Georgia 24, even though the Bulldogs are higher-ranked and a better team.Leak Leak2

      One reason: Chris Leak (far left) will come up big and fill-in Georgia starter Joe Tereshinski won't.

     One question: If Florida doesn't win, does FIRE MEYER! become a Gainesville rhyming cottage industry whose flags are proliferating "Urban Blight" T-shirts?

Redecorating the closet

     Sheryl Swoopes, the 2005 WNBA Most Valuable Player, announced she is lesbian the other day to a general, nationwide yawn.

     The first active, prominent NFL, NBA or MLB player to reveal his gayness will create a sensation, while non-reaction to Swoopes' announcement owes to both the minor impact of the WNBA and also to the LPGA-fueled assumption (quite likely a wrong one) that a higher percentage of women athletes than men may be homosexual.Swoopes   Swoopes2

     By the way, actor George Takei -- Star Trek's "Sulu" -- said this week he is gay, too.

     In an unrelated story, I was packing for my weekend trip last night in a powerless house, picking out shirts using a flashlight, when my 14-year-old son leaped suddenly from under the jackets, scaring the [bleep] out of me as intended. Soon after that, we both came out of the closet.   

October 28, 2005

Sorry, honey, but duty calls

     Still without electricity. No phone line. Two bored, school-free  teenage sons pinballing off the walls. Stress building. And me leaving it all to my wife!

     Heading out early Saturday for Gators-Bulldogs in Jax, then straight to Dolphins-Saints in Baton Rouge, then over to the Heat's season opener in Memphis. Will blog from the road, in celebration of power, AC, a phone line, a warm shower!

     Guess whose wife hates her husband's job right now?

October 26, 2005

Rock bottomer and bottomer for Heat

     Anybody else concerned it's getting mighty close to the NBA regular season for the Heat to be losing exhibitions by 20 points and looking like a bunch of individuals who happen to be wearing the same uniform?Stan3

     The new Heat lineup (pictured at left) is to cohesion today what the Houston Astros are to a World Series title.

Stan2   Bet Pat Riley and Stan Van Gundy would sacrifice a little talent for a little teamwork Stanright about now.  Also bet that if Van-G can't find a way to make this work pretty quick, the inevitable Riley-takes-over speculation will be on the plate before the Thanksgiving turkey. 

Roof falls in on Astros

     Houston blew a lead Tuesday night, lost in 14 innings, fell behind a likely-insurmountable 3-0 in the World Series to Chicago, and then complained that commissioner Bud Selig had ordered the game played with the retractable dome open even though the Astros preferred it closed.

Crybaby An Astros spokesman (pictured at left) comments on the commissioner's decision.

Meantime Chicago, one win from a championship prepares to celebrate. White Sox fans plan a tickertape parade. Cubs fans (also pictured at left) plan sporadic rioting.

October 25, 2005

Hello fellow Wilma survivors!

     Sorry for my recent non-blogging. Blame Hurricane Wilma and a void of electricity. (I am writing this from the blessedly electrified home of a friend who lives a mile away, having blatantly violated a 7 p.m. curfew to get here).

     We remain out of power at my house, in a neighborhood ravaged by downed trees. Our house got through pretty good, except for 60-feet of ripped-apart gutter and a blown rear window that caused medium water damage.

     I feel lucky. I hope you do, too.

     Please bear with me for another day or so; then, when normalcy returns, so will a steady daily torrent of bloggings.

     Meantime, one question: How come a country smart enough to put a man on the moon four decades ago isn't smart enough to invent a QUIET GENERATOR!?