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15 posts from September 2005

September 30, 2005

Red Sox, Yankees playing for all the marbles, and also a playoff berth

     The Red Sox and Yankees renew sports' fiercest rivalry tonight to start a season-ending three-game series that will shape both the AL playoffs and the bragging rights of millions of fans, including the typical, randomly selected Boston and New York fans pictured below.

Sox_fans_1 Saddam_1      The games will be played as scheduled after baseball commissioner Bud Selig on Friday denied a last-minute, $6.2 million bid by George Steinbrenner to buy all three victories. The ruling was called a "travesty" by the Yankees' house counsel, Satan.

     The big weekend series will reopen debate about whether "The Curse of the Bambino," the historical hex thought dead last year when Boston won the World Sereis, might in fact still exist. The curse is represented below by an exceptionally bad Babe Ruth impersonator. Below right, a Red Sox official responds.Fake_babe_3 Bosox_finger

Non-interactive readers threaten old woman's kitten

     The Herald's online folks tell us traffic at our new weblog has been brisk, with thousand of "views" just in the first few days. Thank you for that. Spread the word.

     Grandma_4 However very few of you are posting comments (done by clicking on the word "comments" below each item), and this has become a grave concern to the increasingly angry Grandma pictured at left, who now tells us she will not feed her kitten, Fluffy, until comments begin to increase.

     Will you help? Will you find something below that amuses or annoys you or otherwise merits a brief remark? Do not delay. Already, Fluffy's once-robust meow has become a mewling whisper indicative not only of failing health, but sadness.Kitten_2

September 28, 2005

Local radio station aims to annoy bilingually!

     Local sports-radio station 790 The Ticket has announced it plans to debut a new show called Dos Amigos and will hold open tryouts to discover two new talents it referred to in a press release as "Splanglish broadcasters."

     Spanglish_3 It is assumed the station is aware the correct phrase for the casual mix of Spanish and English is "Spanglish," but sought, understandably, to distance itself from the recent Adam Sandler bomb-film of the same name.

     Radio industry analysts say 790 is breaking ground by endeavoring to simultaneously annoy listeners of multiple native tongues, but a station representative downplayed the differences in the two, noting, as an example, that the word for poor coaching in both languages is "Wannstedt."

     Repercussions from 790's bold move already are being felt in the trend-conscious South Florida market. Wednesday, 790's Joe Rose reintroduced himself on-air as Jose Rose and answered every caller's comment, question or criticism with an enthusiastic "Muy bien!"Hank

     Meantime, on rival station WQAM-560, an anxious Hank Goldberg wore a guayabera from whose pocket an unlit Montecristo protruded, even though nobody could see him.

That 40s Show: Vinny returns

     HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. (GC) -- Vinny Testaverde returned to the NFL today, and football analysts said it smelled of desperation on the part of the New York Jets, until the analysts realized that smell was in fact the mothballs from which the veteran quarterback had been extracted.Vinnyballcap

     The Jets signed Testaverde to back up young Brooks Bollinger, after losing both Chad Pennington and Jay Fiedler to season-ending injuries at the request of cackling Dolphins fans. Pennington was lost to a damaged right shoulder, while Fiedler's injury is being blamed on Dave Wannstedt.

     "We thought of Vinny right away," said beleaguered Jets coach Herm Edwards. "Nobody wear a ballcap better."Stegosaurus

      Testaverde had been a free-agent since being released by Dallas after last season, and had spent the first two weeks of this season trying to remember where he put his teeth. He is thought to be the only active NFL player whose first car was a Stegosaurus.

September 27, 2005

Beckett linked to Abu Ghraib torture!

Beckett_1Lynndie_1     EXCLUSIVE!

     As if the Marlins' official elimination Tuesday night from the wild-card chase isn't bad enough, now this, right? Hey, am I saying that Marlins pitcher Josh Beckett played any direct role in the abuse of Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison? No. No I am not.

     However, the unsettling, separated-at-birth facial resemblance between Beckett and Army Pfc. Lynndie England, the convicted wartime torturer, may bear investigation for a possible link. That's all I'm saying.

     Mysteriously, as England faced sentencing Tuesday, Beckett was scratched as tonight's starting pitcher.


A book for real golfers (not Tiger)

     Making the Internet rounds and amended here with your busy schedule in mind, a new golf book for those of us who sweat over three-foot putts and are privately elated to make par but must try to act all nonchalant:

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank

Chapter 3 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger

Chapter 4 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

Chapter 5 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9 a.m.

Chapter 6 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 7 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th

Chapter 8 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee

Chapter 9 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever
Chapter 10 - Why Male Golfers will Pay $5 for a Beer from the Cart Girl
and Give Her a $3 Tip, But Will Balk at $3.50 at the 19th Hole and Stiff
the Bartender.

September 26, 2005

Quintuple Dibble

   Midnight approaching, I find myself watching on television as former big league pitcher Rob Dibble attempts to throw a baseball into a distant watermelon and explode it. He has five tries. He misses each, not coming close.

     I am not sure who should be found more pathetic: Dibble, for his bizarre, failed public display. Or me, as a reluctant but nevertheless willing witness to it.

A.J.: Smoke and a mirror

Aj_burnett      Frustration is a common denominator of we humans; we all feel it build up and boil over and get p---ed off at times. Frustration certainly isn't the province of professional athletes. Neither their celebrity nor their bank account makes their aggravation any more acute.

     So fastballing Marlins pitcher A.J. Burnett did the Mount Vesuvius thing the other day and seethed against his manager and talked about how "depressing" and "negative" everything had become.Mt_vesuvius

     Well, shucks, A.J.: Do you think your six-game losing streak in the critical clutch had anything to do with creating the atmosphere of which you moan? Is there a mirror anywhere in your house?

     Could it be a jinx in the name? Come to think of it, A.J. Burnett's season went sour right around the time QB A.J. Feeley was cascading to third on the Dolphins' depth chart.

     A.J. Duhe stole all the good karma, is what happened.

Curb Your Enthusiasm

Larry_david      Do you watch HBO's "Curb..." starring Larry David? The new season began Sunday night. The ad slogan is, "Deep inside you know you're him," and it speaks to both the controversy of David's character, and the guilty pleasure of liking the man and the show.

     Friends and even family say they see me in David's persnickety personality. I take this as a supreme compliment. I am told I should be equal parts aghast and embarrassed. Is David callous and mean-spirited? I prefer to think of him as the kind of guy who knows you are being either oblivious or inconsiderate to have 14 items in the supermarket express-lane -- and isn't afraid to in some way call you on it.

     Larry is the kind of guy who'll see a perfectly healthy-seeming lady step out of an Escalade after parking in a handicapped space and, with a wry smirk, confront her. I loved the episode in which Larry, on Halloween night, refused candy to two sullen teenaged girls who hadn't bothered to even attempt being in costume.

     This is a man with a million rules, with principles all his own. Subconsciously we all want to be Larry David, but don't have the nerve.

September 25, 2005

Saban walks on football field!

Saban      Nick Saban cast the Coach of the Year trophy in his unmistakable likeness Sunday as his Dolphins -- at 2-1 one of the early surprises in the NFL -- upset highly regarded Carolina, 27-24, at Saban Stadium.

     Afterward Saban dedicated the win to the debut of Greg Cote's new blog.

     Rookie Ronnie Brown rushed for 132 yards to lead the offensive assault and make at least one local newspaperman wish that, instead of writing the week before that Brown didn't look like anything special, he had stuck with his originally planned column on the unsung role of third-team long snapper Turk Maufington.Fish_loaves

     Saban, elated over the victory, celebrated by treating the entire team to a postgame meal of his own creation.

     "Who'd have thought we could all be sated," remarked Maufington, "from one loaf of bread and a single fish?"