Dave Barry's Blog

HOW DID WE MISS THIS MOVIE?

The VelociPastor

After losing his parents, a priest travels to China, where he inherits a mysterious ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur.

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

1:28 p.m. A longtime meth user told officers he now has “the powers to vaporize people.”

(Thanks to Mary Smith)

A WHAT WAS STOLEN FROM WHERE?

800 kilo ball filled with Swiss gin stolen from bottom of Lake Constance

(Thanks to Alberto)

WE CAN ALL SLEEP MORE SOUNDLY

US CBP officers officers stopped a woman trying to cross the border with 50 wheels of undeclared cheese under a blanket in her car.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

We saw 50 Wheels Of Undeclared Cheese open for the Partridge Family.

NOT CREEPY AT ALL!

People Are Preserving Dead Relatives' Tattoos and Turning Them Into Art

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

JOURNALISM, DUDE

Reporter Accidentally Gets High After Inhaling Fumes From a Burning Pile of Drugs

(Thanks to Rick Day)

DUH

Older patients who consume alcohol regularly report better quality of life before and after surgery

(Thanks to Ann Farr)

'THE LOVED ONE LAUNCHER'

Blast Cremation Ashes up to 75 ft into the air.

(Thanks to klezmerphan, who says "When you want to go out with a bang...")

UH-OH

Witscript: A System for Generating Improvised Jokes in a Conversation

Witscript employs well-known tools of natural language processing to extract keywords from a topic sentence and, using wordplay, to link those keywords and related words to create a punch line. Then a pretrained neural network language model that has been fine-tuned on a dataset of TV show monologue jokes is used to complete the joke response by filling the gap between the topic sentence and the punch line.

(Thanks to nora, who notes that this is from 2021, but it's important)

AUSTRALIA: EVEN THE COWS ARE WEIRD

Cow caught chewing on a large python in outback northern Australia

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)

(We don't know why the headline says "caught." The cow does not appear to be hiding the fact that it's chewing on a snake.)

A GIANT LEAP FOR PERSONS WITH PRIVATES

Lume Deodorant

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

UH-OH

Apparently whales can explode spontaneously.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BRILLIANT

Dog invents automatic backscratcher.

(Thanks to man tom)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Study shows why beer mats do not fly in a straight line

(Thanks to Markhh)

URGENT

How to Avoid Snakes Slithering Up Your Toilet

(Thanks to Bruce)

IT'S AN EPIDEMIC

Doctors Remove A Blue Tilapia From a Chinese Man's Rectum After He 'Accidentally Sat On It'

Ambulance viewers stunned after man calls 999 to report ‘cucumber stuck up his bottom’

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SO *THAT'S* WHERE IT IS

Infamous Tiger King star Joe Exotic’s penis pump is to be among the odd items on display at a new museum linked to the hit Netflix docu-series.

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "The Smithsonian missed out big time.")

WE’RE GONNA NEED MORE NOBEL PRIZES

Legal weed is linked to higher junk-food sales

(Thanks to Andy Mendez)

WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

Sidney Crosby Admits He's Been Wearing Same Jock Strap Since High School

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IF YOU READ ONLY ONE WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT TODAY

Make it this one.

It's difficult to pick a highlight, but consider: "The bride is manager of the SPAM® Museum in Austin, Minn."

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Army researchers are developing a self-aware squid-like robot you can 3D print in the field

(Thanks to wiredog)

'BOTH BLACK AND WHITE MAGIC ARE OFFERED'

San Diego warrant seeks Argentinian man in global witchcraft sex extortion scheme

(Thanks to Douglas Frost)

THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH

Scientists say space aliens could hack our planet

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

DO THESE PEOPLE NEVER WATCH MOVIES?

These are not your friendly neighborhood spiders: scientists have mixed a graphene solution that when fed to spiders allows them to spin super-strong webbing. How strong? Strong enough to carry the weight of a person.

(Thanks to Jon Harris, who asks "What could go wrong?")

'FILTHY PHALLIC FLOTSAM'

Dozens of massive dildos mysteriously wash up on an Italian beach forcing lifeguards to ban kids from bathing

(Thanks to Steve Thompson)

IRMA PREPAREDNESS

You will find these tips to be extremely useful.

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

The World Now Has a Scorpion-Milking Robot

(Thanks to Patricia Hall who says "Thank heavens! I was getting a sore back from sitting on that little stool!")

FASHION UPDATE

"Disco Tits"'

Semi-NSFW.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who asks "Can disco balls be far behind?"?)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAA

Florida man accused of shooting cows with AR-15 from moving car

(Thanks to Ralph)

WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE YEAR 2006 SO FAR

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting this wedding announcement, which is the last one listed here.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

 

REMINDS US OF WHEN WE OWNED A CHEVROLET VEGA

Engine blows up, falls out of truck.

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Man uses prosthetic arm to assault officer in Fenton

(Thanks to Jerry Whittle)

YIKES

Guy finds giant scary worm with 17 million legs in his fish tank.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

YIKES

Man Photographed Hugging Massive Christmas Island Crab

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

HARD TO ARGUE

Guitar Solo Faces Make A Lot More Sense When Guitars Are Replaced With Giant Slugs

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

Polar Bear Penis Bones Are Snapping All Over The Arctic Thanks To Pollution

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

ADVISORY

No 'unpredictable erections' on SA's first legal nude beach

(Thanks to Jon Harris, who saw the Unpredictable Erections open for Sting)

WARNING: Pictures of naked people whom -- as is so often the case with people on nude beaches -- you don't really want to see naked.

WE MIGHT HAVE BLOGGED THIS ALREADY, BUT WE DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANY CHANCES

Drunk Florida Man Tries to Use Taco as ID After His Car Catches Fire at Taco Bell

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

SCIENCE

Which Makes Goldfish Learn Faster: Vodka or Bourbon?

The study is from 1969. But that was a good year.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THESE THINGS SHOULD ALWAYS BE DONE IN THIS ORDER

Pulaski man threw skunk into a river before kicking woman's sunglasses off a bridge

(Thanks to Samuel Sprague)

THE NEWS FROM IRELAND

A Longford pig farmer has been sent to jail for a year after he forced two repossession men to strip naked and get into a pen with an agitated boar.

(Thanks to wjra)

We saw Agitated Boar open for the Ramones.

A QUESTION WE ALL NEED TO PONDER MORE OFTEN

Why doesn't the franchise auto populate?

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

A real life Fru T. Bunn baker who specialises in making edible gingerbread sex objects has agreed to pay compensation for sexual harassment to two young female workers after he gave them gingerbread penises topped with whipped cream.

(Thanks to Julius Marx)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE NEED DRONES

The Laotian Giant Flying Squirrel

(Thanks to Rob Tooker)

COLLECTORS ARE PAYING TOP DONG

Vietnam has Leech Fever.

(Thanks to Daniel Ray)

WE PROBABLY POSTED THIS BEFORE. MAYBE SEVERAL TIMES. BUT WE DON'T WANT TAKE CHANCES.

Russian press conference invaded by flying dildo

(Thanks to E-40118)

DEPARTMENT OF THINGS THAT NO WOMAN WOULD EVER THINK OF DOING

Exhibit 2,038.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

YET ANOTHER SITE THAT MEN SHOULD NOT CLICK ON

...can be found here.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THERE WHEN YOU NEED THEM

Butt Drugs

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

SEND IT TO WASHINGTON

Residents of Bokaro, Jharkhand, have started worshipping a pumpkin believing it to be a reincarnation of Shiva.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)