Dave Barry's Blog

OHHHLYMPIC UPDATE OF THE DAY

The Penises of the Icelandic Handball Team

(Thanks to Ross Marks)

CLEANUP ON AISLE 7

Ew.

(This may not be safe for work, but we don't know, because we could not bring ourselves to read it.)

("Thanks" to Jeff Meyerson and Bill Jones, who sent in a link with pictures)

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS OF THE DAY

... and perhaps the night, ifkwim.

(Thanks to funny man, who notes unnecessarily, "i thought you'd like this judi")

WHOOPSIE!

More or less.

(Thanks to my son)

YUM, II

Sliced mouse found in frozen peppers

(Thanks to DavCat)

YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, CAN'T GET A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT WITHIN TWO MONTHS

Hernia op to save angelfish

(Thanks to DavCat)

UPDATE FROM SOUTH FLORIDA

We apologize for the lack of posting today (of semi-naked men or the other boring variety), but we (the Smith family, not the Barry family or related sloths) have been driving around The Land of the Bright Orange T-shirt, searching for short-term housing that does not cost more than our South Florida house payment to rent a studio with sagging screens and rotting wood. For a week. Thanks to a really great woman named Frances¹ we finally found one and got to come home. So now we can post stuff. Yay.

¹Frances, in our hearts.

YUM

Cow Something

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

GOOD NEWS FOR THE LADIES

(Thanks to Matt Filar and CJrun, who we are probably not legally allowed to say would look good in one)

(We are sure Matt would too, but we haven't actually seen him)

UPDATE of some clothing styles CJrun and Matt would NOT look good in, thanks to Jeff Carrie's friend Jean

OMG HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Megan McKeever)

UGH

O-Rama

("Thanks" to DavCat)

WHEN THE BLOG'S AWAY

We take our responsibilities seriously.

(Thanks to Howard from Broward, Hilly, everyone, and Siouxie)

WHY WE LOVE BRITISH JOURNALISM

The sophistication.

WARNING: Probably not for the office.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

YOU ARE INVITED TO THE PARTY

...in Sweden's pants.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

DUH

(Thanks to Siouxie)

(Here's your thank-you gift.)

PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION OF THE WEEK

We do think this is funny, but we find ourselves with an uncharacteristically serious reaction to it: WHY? we wonder. Why would you want to access these sites while you're at work? We admit we are not a guy, but we just don't get it.

(Thanks to qsman)

UPDATE: Ohhhhh. NOW we get it.

HEADLINE-OF-THE-DAY STORY THAT WE WOULD MOST LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR POSTING

(Thanks to John Bunyan)

WHAT DAD DOESN'T WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

And also, a good name for a rock band.

(Thanks to Clean Hands) (Really)

MORE-THAN-WE-WANTED-TO-KNOW NEWS ITEM AND HEADLINE OF AT LEAST THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Brian Smith)

ATTENTION, MEN SUFFERING FROM...YOU KNOW

Be sure to check with your doctor for appropriate treatment.

(Thanks to Lee Allen)

RE-BLOGGING

We admit to having blogged this page before, but this time, it's more for the guys.

(Thanks to Leetie of the large cardboard fluctuating-size strumpethead)

ATTENTION, GUYS OF THE MALE GENDER

Would you like to play a game?

(Thanks to Chaz Schlueter)

WAIT WAIT WAIT

THIS is the GrossMeOut Headline of the Day so far, at least for those of us who are men. Please note that the doctor in this situation is NOT someone you want to be angry with you.

(Thanks to the steely Drew Harchick)

EXACTLY WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS NONSENSE?!

(Thanks to Sondra Anderson)

ITEM GUYS SHOULD NOT LOOK AT OF THE DAY

Also: Huh?

(Thanks to 80 billion people, none of whom, presumably, are guys.)

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

Warning to Men: You may not want to click the link.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

THIS KEEPS HAPPENING

And yet men continue to cheat and then fall asleep near their wives. What's the learning curve here?

P.S. Men, this is another one of those "do not click the link" items.

(Thanks to Ray)

DO NOT READ THIS POST

Do not click this link. Especially if you're having lunch. If you do, don't blame the s.b.

Blame Susannah Nation.

FOOD-RELATED UPDATE: Here's the gas-free beans link, so you can stop sending it in now. Thank you so much!

WORMS IN THE NEWS

Yumck!

(Thanks to Stupendous Man)

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT

You have our sympathy.

(Thanks to Tammy Korolnek)

UPDATE: Possible related news item, courtesy of Doug Brockmeier)

YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, COPPERS!

Take that!¹

(Thanks to Ian Clark)

¹Men: Do not click the link.

FRANKLY, WE'D RATHER HANG OUT WITH MORNING STAR

(Note: The YELLOW FOR CAUTION warning is down there, at the bottom. Be cautious. You probably don't even want to read this.)

During a gathering of about eight of our closest friends, something mysterious happened. The surprise was not an immediate surprise. We had the pleasure of a strange smell coming from our bathroom for three days before we actually discovered the wonderful present one of our friends had left us. We scoured the entire bathroom before we discovered it. I mean, who thinks to look under the cabinet for poop when cleaning the bathroom?

After bleaching the room from top to bottom with the pesky smell still lingering, we investigate the unexpected smell source, our bathroom cabinet. Whereupon, we found a Pittsburgh Pirate cup with dried out brown paper towels on top. After calling in several roommates to investigate, we all confirmed the smell source. It was immediately thrown away outside. Several minutes later after jokingly referring to how ridiculous it would be for someone to poop in a cup, curiosity overtook us. We went outside to the trashcan armed with rubber gloves. We picked the cup up out of the trash and dumped it out. Sure enough, poo.

And now we're wondering . . . how close are these close friends of ours? I mean one of them pooped in a cup and put it in our cabinet. Who does that? Just in case anyone out there finds themselves with a cup full of poo, make sure you take it with you when you leave. Because as much as your friends love you, they do not love finding your poo in a cup three days later under their cabinets. If in fact you find yourself a recipient of this wonderful gift, we want to let you know that a lot of beer and a pack of cigarettes helped us forget about it for about four hours while the buzz lasted. We're still pissed. Kelly Tucker & Molly Laurence, Washington, D.C.

XTREME REGIFTING

Don't do it.

(Thanks to ArcticAl)

(BTW, we rest our case. Come back soon, sir!)

WORRISOME

It is of some concern to the s.b. that the blog submissions we have received while the blog is away are ... let's just say, less high-brow than usual.

(Thanks to julieta)

DON'T TELL PETA

And definitely do not watch the video.¹

("Thanks" to rita and Tom)

¹We are, of course, wondering how to adapt S. Florida cars to this system, since it's easier to find cows than gas, in most of our cities.

FORGET BASKETBALL

We'd rather talk football.

(Thanks to freelance fred)

GUYS

Nuts about sports, or just plain nuts?

(Thanks to Larry Gainey and Octavia Sawyer)

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THAT GUYS LACK AN APPRECIATION OF CULTURE

This blog is deeply offended.

(Thanks to Ron "Disco" Ungerman)

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

Is it just the s.b., or does "shapeshifter erotica" open up a can of worms that simply should not be opened in civilized society?

(Thanks to Mahatma Jane)

WE HAVE NO COMMENT

Thanks for this item goes to a Mr. Bill Hudgins, who (perhaps unwisely, should he hold hope that he may ever be involved in any way with a woman) stated: It's nice to know it really is the woman's problem...

WHY WE LOVE THE INTERNET, PART 2,038

Because it brings out the best in people.

ADVISORY: Do not click on this link if your body contains so much as one lone molecule of decency.

(Thanks to Shayna)

HEALTH CARE ANALYSIS OF THE DAY

"If you cut your sex organ and then eat it, then something is wrong with you."

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Weeee.

(Thanks to Okiecub from the message board)

NOT-SO-DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE

"That's okay, honey, you stay here and watch TV; I'll be happy to go to the store."

(Thanks to Debby Witt)

TAKING THE IPEX CHALLENGE

The Evolution by Margarita, for the "natural cosmetically enhanced look."

Key quote from the press release, sent in by Jo:

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL - April 22, 2005 - Women who lust after the look of cosmetic breast implants can strap on an eye-fooling alternative this summer with the new "Evolution by Margarita" bra, designed by Brastraps.com founder Margarita Reis.

Evolution is a revolutionary five-in-one underwire, convertible bra made of a smooth microfiber nylon/Lycra spandex mix. It features a sculpted, graduated cup specially designed to mimic the appearance of cosmetic breast implants by lifting and slightly separating each breast to appear fuller and firmer both in and out of clothing.

A NEWER, LOWER LOW

Really. A lower low than we can even imagine. A low so low that if you click this link, you'll be truly, deeply sorry.

You think we're kidding but we're not.

Please note that this story is from Canada.

(Thanks to Scott Cook)

WOMEN

Sometimes, it's not obvious that we're all that politically savvy, you know?

(Caution: nakedidity within)

(All links thanks to freelance fred)

WHO COULD EAT?

(Thanks to Mahatma Jane for the photo and julietine for the story)

ATTENTION, FEMALE PHOTOJOURNALISTS

You'll never make it in this business if you don't show up for the really important stories.

(Thanks to Mahatma Jane)

ATTENTION, WOMEN

Apparently some of you need to be reminded that this is not okay. Even if you're miffed.

(Thanks to Kristi Kelley)