Dave Barry's Blog

THESE THINGS SHOULD ALWAYS BE DONE IN THIS ORDER

Pulaski man threw skunk into a river before kicking woman's sunglasses off a bridge

(Thanks to Samuel Sprague)

SWINE FLU UPDATE

Worried? Not us.

HAPPY EASTER

...to you and yours.

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR MOBY GRAPE

The Psychedelic Bouncing Frogfish

(Thanks to Dr. Doug and Onterrible)

OR THEY COULD JUST ASK WALTER

(Thanks to Ralph K.)

TROUBLE AHEAD

Yesterday we adopted a dog from a shelter. Her name is Lucy, and she's mostly Lab, around 8 months. She's very sweet and has quickly adapted to our home and yard. Especially our yard, which she finds absolutely fascinating ("Hey! A dog urinated here! Wow! A dog urinated HERE, also! Ohmigod! A dog also urinated HERE! Wait a minute! A dog ALSO urinated..." etc.). The one troubling thing is that Lucy has discovered Walter.

UH-OH...

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

ARRRR

SHADES OF THE DAILY LOCAL NEWS

We just hope no one shows this story to Walter.

(Thanks to fivver)

TROPICAL STORM FAY UPDATE

Here in South Florida we are hunkering nervously by our TV sets and bracing for Tropical Storm Fay. Already we are seeing devastation in the form of downed leaves.

Moments after this dramatic photo was taken, Walter the Weather Oosik was struck by several pieces of what appeared to be water falling from the sky.

We will hold out as long as we can.

'WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO THROW THE HEAVIER PASSENGERS OVERBOARD'

(Thanks to CJrun)

WE HAVE THIS TEAM IN OUR FINAL FOUR

The Kyrgyzstan Headless Sheep Wranglers

(Thanks to sjhaller)

IMAGINE THE TALENT COMPETITION

Key Quote: "She isn't married yet, this one," he said. "She's still a virgin."

(Thanks to jon harris)

OOSIK UPDATE

From funniegrrl: "During the credits of Antiques Roadshow tonight, they showed a couple of teenagers (brother and sister I think) who had an oosik which had carving on it.  They described an oosik as a "petrified whale bone."  hmmm.  They also said it had been appraised at $1200."

Makes a person wonder what Walter is worth. Not that Walter is for sale. Walter is way too cool to sell.

WHERE IS THE NATIONAL GUARD?

The temperature in Florida is seventeen thousand degrees below zero. We are fighting for our very survival.

TO ALL OF YOU, FROM ALL OF US HERE AT THE BLOG

Have a Cool Yule.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

...from us to you.
In our house, we were up early, reading the newspaper ads just as the Pilgrims did.

NATURE UPDATE

Miami-Dade schools are closed today, so Sophie went to a park with some friends. She came home very excited because they found a squirrel skeleton, and Sophie got two bones. ("Stella got the skull," she said, a bit ruefully.) Here is an exclusive CrapCam photo of the squirrel bones with Walter, who is looking unusually masculine by comparison.

THE REAL-ESTATE MARKET IS IN THE TOILET

But walrus penises are up.

And in case you were worried, we're not letting go of Walter.

(Thanks to SandyEgo and the Perts) (Which sounds like the name of a rock band)

IPHONE UPDATE

This blog has obtained an advance review unit of the new Apple "iPhone," which as you can see has an exciting new form factor, making it almost more of a fashion statement than a telephone. You can use it to watch video or TV, play music, surf the Internet, navigate the roads, massage your gums, brew tea and prod cattle. The only thing it can't do is send or receive voice communications, but who has time for that anyway?

BUT WALTER IS JUST LIKE A MEMBER OF THE FAMILY

(Thanks to Afkat)

REMEMBER, DADS

Whatever they give you, it means they love you.

Happy Father's Day.

RAMPAGING SQUIRRELS

We would like to kill this news item with a crutch. Honestly, we promise it has been blogged.¹ We swear on Walter's walterness. Thank you.

¹Really.

(Thanks to Mark for that last one)

THIS JUST IN FROM ICELAND

Perhaps it's an ancestor of Walter.

SOMEBODY IS LOOKING TO GET LUCKY TODAY

HAVE JOY

I'm taking off to spend Christmas week at a Secret Undisclosed Location that might not have the Internet, which as you know requires a series of tubes. Judi is also out o' town, so for a while there may be sporadic posting here, or even no posting. But before I go, I want to wish you all happy holidays, on behalf of our entire staff.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

To all of you, from all of us.

HALLOWEEN UPDATE

Walter has found a friend.

THE ERRANT WALTER HALLOWEEN PHOTO

Here's the CrapCam photo I was trying to post here, which I somehow posted to Greg Cote's blog.
(Greg, if for any reason you wish to publish a photo of a walrus-penis bone, or for that matter the penis bone of any other mammal, on my blog, I will not stand in your way)

GIRDING UPDATE

Here in South Florida we are continuing to gird for Tropical Wave Tropical Storm Hurricane Tropical Storm Moth Fart Tropical Storm Potential Hurricane Ernesto. We are so girded that our loins ache. The TV people are already hoarse from standing outside gas stations, supermarkets, Home Depots, massage parlors, etc. informing us that we are all girding. On the fuel front, every man, woman, child and household pet in Florida currently possesses -- counting vehicle tanks, generators, and gas cans for generators -- at least 350 gallons of gasoline. God help us if anybody in this state lights a match. Here in Miami-Dade County school has been canceled until Halloween, just in case.

In case you were wondering -- and we know you were -- Walter is ready:

WALTER UPDATE

Mr. Gene Weingarten is visiting Miami, and as you can see is deeply impressed with my oosik.

THE BIG GAME

Walter is ready.

OOSIK QUESTION

I recently learned that my old friend Gene Weingarten, who writes for the Washington Post, and, in his spare time, works as a fashion model, owns a walrus-penis bone, or oosik, which Gene says he bought in Alaska from (this is a direct quote) "an eskimo named Larry."

As you are no doubt aware, I also own an oosik, named Walter, who is a regular contributor to this blog. Walter serves as our weather correspondent and is a big hit with the ladies.

So Gene and I got to talking about our oosiks, and naturally the question arose: Whose is bigger? Gene measured his, and sent an email stating:

My oosik, sir, is 21 and a half inches, end to end. The little ivory caps add another one and a half inches.

So I measured Walter, and was stunned to discover that Walter is also exactly 21 and a half inches long. Walter does not have "little ivory caps," but then Walter, unlike some, is confident enough in his masculinity not to need them.

But anyway, the question arises: Is it mere coincidence that, statistically, 100 percent of all the Walrus-penis bones that I know of are exactly the same length? Or are all male walruses, in fact, equally male? How do the lady walruses feel about this? And what should Gene call his oosik? Incredibly, he hasn't thought to give it a name. I'm thinking he should call it "Shorty." But I welcome your suggestions.

Update: Commenter Bumble notes that, to judge from the specimens on this page, Gene and I have unusually big oosiks.

TIME FOR A BENEFIT CONCERT

Here in South Florida we are under both a Severe Weather Warning and (I am not making this up) a Wind Chill Advisory. Yesterday the temperature was in the low sixties, and last night it dropped INTO THE FORTIES. The perky TV-news people cannot stop talking about it. They have been giving us all kinds of tips for surviving this brutal environment, such as: If you go outside, wear clothes.

This blog will hold out as long as it can. And speaking of long, Walter has so far shown no signs of shrinkage, as we can see in this exclusive CrapCam photo taken earlier today.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE BIT SCARY WHEN YOUR WALRUS-PENIS BONE STARTS GETTING EMAIL FROM OTHER WALRUS-PENIS BONES

Hey Walter,
It’s COLD here! Can I visit you and hang out on your patio? I can’t stand this weather another second. HELP! You can see from the picture that my bag is packed—I’m ready to go. Are there female walruses in Florida? Write soon!
--Pete

(Via Sandy Beach)

ATTENTION ALL ALASKA UNITS

We have a report of a stolen walrus penis bone (second item).

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

Be advised that Walter is on the case.

Also be advised that the exclusive CrapCam has put some kind of weird green line across Walter.

PUMPKIN UPDATE

We ate at a restaurant where the chef dude produced this fine effort (which may actually not be visible, since the photo was taken on this blog's exclusive CrapCam):

(It says "OH WILMA.") Meanwhile, Walter has recovered from the storm and is catching Halloween Fever:

THIS WE DID NOT DO

We suspect Walter.

WILMA

I'm in Washington, D.C., this weekend with my family. We were planning to fly home tomorrow morning, but our flight is canceled. So unless the forecast is even more inaccurate than usual, we're going to miss Wilma. Good luck to everybody down in Florida. We wish we could be there. But at least we know our house is well-protected.

WAITING FOR WILMA

Walter is starting to feel the strain.

WILMA UPDATE

Here in South Florida, they're closing schools and canceling events, and people are jamming the supermarkets to buy food they will probably never eat, all in preparation for a hurricane that is now... approaching Mexico.

Needless to say, Walter is in Full Preparedness Mode.

BRACING FOR WILMA

Walter is ready.

WHAT WOMEN REALLY WANT

They want a big vegetable.

(Via Gizmodo)

NOTE: There are some exceptions.

WHAT THIS BLOG THINKS ABOUT THE LATEST NOMINEE FOR THE SUPREME COURT

This blog thinks that if the president wanted a woman with a firm grasp on the issues, there were better women available.

URGENT WEATHER UPDATE

A Super Typhoon is penetrating (Har!) Asia. We're thinking Walter should cover this one.

(Thanks to many people)

WAIT A MINUTE....

If this is worth $199 Canadian ($20.38 US), how much can we get for one with a marketable skill?

LIVE STORM REPORT FROM WALTER THE WALRUS-PENIS BONE

Here we see Walter on the patio, wearing his rain gear and courageously reporting that the potted palm is experiencing wind gusts of up to three miles per hour. Walter will remain on location next to the potted palm as long as he is humanly able.

ADVISORY

No doubt you have been asking yourself: "What happens if Rita slams into Miami and causes the walrus penis bone on Dave's patio to become a 150-mile-per-hour airborne missile? Might not somebody get hurt, or -- worse -- become pregnant? (Judi would be SO jealous.)

Not to worry! I have taken the precaution of securing it to the patio, using two pieces of masking tape.

HUGELY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

As you are well aware, Monday is International Talk Like a Pirate Day, the day on which all the peoples of the world set aside their differences and join together in saying "Arrrr," which is pretty much the only pirate expression anybody remembers. This year I'm going to be observing Talk Like a Pirate Day by appearing on the Paul and Young Ron Show on Big 105.9, where Paul and Ron  and I will be raising money for victims of Hurricane Katrina by holding an auction. One of the items we will be auctioning is a beautiful Gibson SG Special electric guitar, which was donated by the good folks at Gibson thanks to the ceaseless efforts of Ted "I Do NOT Have a Mullet Hairstyle, Even Though the Entire World Believes That I Do" Habte-Gabr. This very guitar will be played by members of the Famous Despite Being Really Bad "Rock Bottom Remainders" almost-all-author rock band when we appear at the Miami Book Fair in November; we will then sign the guitar and give it to the high bidder. Or, if the high bidder prefers, we will refrain from even touching the guitar, to avoid getting our musical cooties on it. Whatever the high bidder wants, we will do, unless it involves underage sheep.

So anyway, if you're in the South Florida area, please tune in to Big 105.9 FM Monday morning around 8, and please bid. To give you an idea of the size of this guitar, here's a photograph of it on my patio, next to the bone from a walrus penis:

Judi will be SO jealous.

UPDATE AND CORRECTON:

Commenter AXL sends this:

Dave, that guitar is an SG not an SG Special...

the Special has only two knobs, a tone and volume, and is only a single cutaway, not a double

it is however a very very beautiful guitar with an awesome tone, i own and play the doubleneck version of the SG and it is a really lovely guitar, whoever wins it will not be disappointed.... helping people and getting a lovely guitar

WALRUS PENIS UPDATE

Since some people apparently do not believe this blog owns a walrus penis, judi graciously agreed to pose with it. She was pleased to learn that it is single.