Dave Barry's Blog

WOMEN AND SPORTS

The Blog is lucky he wrote this in 1985; he can claim... well... hmmm. We are fresh out of excuses. Perhaps you can help.

SOMETIMES LIFE INTERFERES

But eventually, we will get around to blogging the Vintage Back-to-School Column posted last week. This week, we look back fondly, in a Vintage way, at the Miami Florida Marlins' first season.

NOT TO MENTION HURRICANE IRENE

Gather 'round, young people, because it's back-to-school time, and Uncle Dave wants to give you some important advice to help you excel in the classroom and have successful, rewarding careers, assuming that the Earth is not destroyed by giant comet chunks.

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE...

Being an ordinary citizen, you are, no offense, way too stupid to understand the complex problems involved in trying to balance the federal budget. So it's fortunate that you have President Bush and the U.S. Congress (motto: "We Can't Agree On a Motto") gnawing away on the deficit problem for you, like a colony of busy beavers who have somehow obtained blue suits, red ties and checking accounts.

(Please note *which* President Bush The Blog is referring to. Also, if you simply must post partisan political crap in the comments section, don't.)

(Suggested by alert reader Gary Findlay)

IDYTPT

This acronym can be used for two different concepts discussed in this vintage column. Just sayin'.

DOGS

Most dogs are earnest, which is why most people like them. You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would have thought of that!" So we come to think of dogs as being understanding and loving and compassionate, and after a while we hardly even notice that they spend the bulk of their free time circling around with other dogs to see which one can sniff the other the most times in the crotch. We are not sure yet whether Earnest has a working brain. You can't tell, early on, with dogs.

(Requested by nursecindy)

FASHION VICTIMS

Isn't it time (1987) someone did something?

The question is: What should be done? One proposed solution that has been kicking around for some time now is the Fashion Police. The way I envision this working is, you'd have people in very tasteful uniforms patrolling public places, monitoring the clothing of civilians and taking whatever corrective actions were necessary. Usually this would consist of a simple polite oral warning, such as:
"I am sorry, sir, but the 'muscle' shirt is designed to be worn by people who have actual discernible muscles, as opposed to rolls of fat large enough to break the falls of world-class pole vaulters."
Or:
"Madame, we do not wear fake-leopard-skin hot pants and very high heels unless we are a 15-year-old girl who cannot even pronounce the word 'cellulite.' "

IF YOU TEACH A MAN TO FISH...

Then we went to a pond, where Robert sat in the weeds and put pond muck in his hair while Uncle Joe and I tried to bait the hook with a living breathing thinking feeling caring earthworm. This is a very difficult thing, emotionally, and not just for the earthworm.

p.s. Last week, we neglected to post this vintage column about the fact that, in 1990, the public hated politicians. Incredibly, this column is just as true humorous today as it was then.

FLORIDUH

An outfit calling itself ''Morgan Quitno Press'' recently ranked the 50 United States in order of intelligence, and I am TICKED OFF. My state, Florida, came in 47th. Can you believe that? Forty-seventh! How dare they? How dare they suggest that Florida is more intelligent than three other states? No way!

DO-OVERS?

So the NBA playoffs come down to this: Miami vs. Dallas. Tonight [in 2006] they begin a series that will determine which city is the winner and which city has many residents who are not cowboys but wear cowboy hats anyway, often in urban environments where they look ridiculous.

FOUR NO-TRUMP

Potential presidential timber Donald Trump, who, by his own admission, is "the very definition of the American success story," came to Miami Monday¹ on an exploratory mission to find out whether he is hugely popular or what.

¹In 1999

NAPWWATT

WASHINGTON -- The National Association of People Who Worry About These Things (NAPWWATT) today reported that this year's graduating high-school seniors are even dumber than last year's, many of whom are still stumbling around the back of the auditorium trying to get their commencement gowns off. NAPWWATT reported that 66 percent of this year's seniors failed a nationwide scholastic test consisting of the question, "What does a duck say?"

This is pretty pathetic. When I was in high school, we were expected to know what a duck says. Oh, sure, I've forgotten a lot of this stuff, but at least I used to know it, which gives me the right to express smug contempt thinly disguised as grave concern for the young people of today.

THE HEAT IS ON

What a difference a couple of decades makes.

That photo of Dave getting dunked by Grant Long, while a fine one, is not the s.b.'s favorite basketball-related photo of The Blog.
This one isn't either, though it's pretty good:

¹

This one's the best, and if you disagree, well, you know what you can do with your opinion.



¹Photo magic by Ray Bubel

POWER SUITS

So what CAN you ladies do to prepare for swimsuit season? You can do what we men have been doing, with great success, for so many years: nothing.

DING DONG

C'mon, smell my toilet.

LOOKING FOR A GOOD VACATION SPOT?

South Florida is not boring. We think the tourists are getting just a little bit jaded after going, year after year, to AdventureThemeParkLand World to watch robots sing Yankee Doodle. They want something different. Verging on weird. They want South Florida.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

Like many career women, Michelle insisted that becoming a mother would not change her. She was going to be the same professional person, darn it! She was NOT going to turn into one of those women who babble obsessively about the baby and baby clothes and all the other baby fixin's. Above all, she was NEVER going to drive a minivan.

Right.

NAKED WEATHERPEOPLE

Czech¹ it out!

¹Sorry.

CSI: RANDOLPH NY, 1992

Like most people, you probably often ask yourself: "What, exactly, are my legal rights if I am wearing a bunny outfit?''

YOU MAY THINK YOU JUST READ THIS COLUMN LAST WEEK

But that's the drugs talking.

BATMAN AND ROB

When my friend Ridley Pearson invited me back to Idaho, I said to myself: He is NOT getting me up another tree.

UPDATE ON AMERICA'S MINISTER BY MAIL

Remember Rev. Al?
Well, the Blog is happy to report that Rev. Al is still out there handling the Lord's Accounts Receivable.

GOT A LIGHT?

In case you didn't know, Philip Morris is test-marketing a new brand of cigarettes called "Dave's." Over the past year I've seen big billboard advertisements for "Dave's" cigarettes in Seattle and Denver. These are folksy ads; one of them features a tractor. The message is that "Dave's" is a folksy brand of cigarette, produced by a down-to-earth, tractor-driving guy named "Dave" for ordinary people who work hard and make an honest living, at least until they start coughing up big folksy chunks of trachea.

IF I HAD A HAMMER

The major thing that I wanted to receive in the way of a blessing was that something horrible would happen to our carpenter bees.

UP A TREE

You know how it is, when you're a house guest: If your host suggests an activity, you, as a polite person, tend to say "sure." My host in this case was my good friend Ridley Pearson, who makes his living writing thriller novels, which means he spends his days thinking up sentences like: "Roger awoke in a dark room and sensed immediately that his body had been surgically removed from his head."

CRUISIN'

We set out on a sea voyage from Fort Lauderdale, knowing that it would be five days, and roughly 153 meals (included), before we would reach our destination: Fort Lauderdale.

(This classic column was suggested by MOTW.)

PARTY TIME

The Rules: Preschool Edition

(We are certain this column was suggested by someone, but have no clue who it was. We will figure out someone to fire.)

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM

Or we would have, if this ever happened.

YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US

It's my own darned fault that I need to speak to Customer Service. We made a really stupid homeowner mistake: We moved to another house. Don't ever make this mistake! It's ALWAYS better to stay in your current house, even if it's actively on fire.

(This vintage column was suggested by nursecindy)

DAKOTA II

I had made fun of Grand Forks and its sister city, East Grand Forks, Minn., for calling themselves the Grand Cities and declaring that they are ''where the earth meets the sky.'' (This turns out to be slightly inaccurate: Between the earth and the sky, there's a layer of really hard ice.)

DAKOTA

It's the intersection of earth and sky.

THERE SHE IS

...Miss America
There she is, your ideal
The dreams of a million girls
Who are more than pretty
May come true in Atlantic City
Oh she may turn out to be
The queen of femininity
There she is, Miss America
There she is, your ideal
With so many beauties
She'll take the town by storm
With her all-American face and form
And there she is
Walking on air she is
Fairest of the fair she is
Miss America

(by Bernie Wayne)

TRUE LIFE ADVENTURES

This week's episode: Zippy and Earnest Get Operated On

(Requested by Sharon Chapman)

YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A SANTA CL...WHOA

 
Feliz Naviwhat?

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

UPDATE: Speaking of malls...

(Requested by nursecindy)

ATTENTION: GUYS

It's almost time to start your Christmas shopping.

FELIZ NAVIDAD

Miami style.

A HOLIDAY CLASSIC

Sort of.

FOR WHAT WE ARE ABOUT TO RECEIVE

We are truly thankful that The Blog is not cooking our Thanksgiving dinner.

ROCK AND ROLL, SORT OF

Here's an old column about the time the Rock Bottom Remainders performed at the VIP party at the opening of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

A smallish portion of the Remainders -- including Scott Turow, Ridley Pearson, Kathi Goldmark and Sam Barry -- will be performing at the Miami Book Fair this Saturday at 6 p.m. Also on hand will be some special guests, including legendary South Florida radio dude Paul Castronovo, who's nervous because he doesn't know a lot of our songs, although I have assured him that we don't know a lot of our songs, either.

GOT A QUESTION FOR MR. LANGUAGE PERSON?

"I have learned ... that 'bonsai' means 'tree in a tray.' My question is, why did the Japanese soldiers of yesterday shout 'Bonsai!' ('Tree in a tray!') when they attacked? I want to know before we get in too deep."

(This classic column was suggested by Alice Sacharoff)

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE

...you pass the long night alone, hour after hour, just you and the miniature candy bars. After a while they start calling seductively to you from their bowl in their squeaky little voices. "Hey, Big Boy!" they call. "We're going to waste over here!"

IT'S ELECTION TIME AGAIN

Thank the Humor Gods that campaigns are back to "normal."

FALL FASHIONS

"They are not like anything you already own."

IN FOURTEEN HUNDRED AND NINETY-TWO

Ships probably didn't carry this much beer.

THANK'S FOR CLEARING THAT UP

Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?

A. The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small-business signs to alert the reader that an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.

HITTING THE ROAD

I set off, armed only with a photographer named Bruce, to see what adventures awaited me along Interstate 95, that vast, undulating ribbon of concrete that stretches down the East Coast, like some kind of vast undulating ribbon or something, connecting Maine with the Rickenbacker Causeway.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

CAN WE ALL GET ALONG?

Tree heads and pine-cone heads give peace a chance.

DESPITE THE OCCASIONAL USE OF THE TERM HEFEWEIZEN

What I like about beer is, you basically just drink it, then you order another one. You don't sniff at it, or hold it up to the light and slosh it around, and above all you don't drone on and on about it, the way people do with wine.

THE MANY USE'S OF THE APOSTROPHE

It is time once again for "Ask Mister Language Person," the only grammar column to have won both the Nobel Prize for Literature and the Indianapolis 500.

(Also, this.)