Dave Barry's Blog

APPARENTLY IT DOES NOT

A Terre Haute man with a “Crime Pays” tattoo on his forehead has been arrested after yet another police pursuit.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE A BILL OF RIGHTS?

A man was arrested after being accused of rants and “walking down the street with no pants,” a report states.

Guess the state. Also guess what was apparently involved.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THESE KIDS TODAY

36-year-old woman charged for repeatedly calling 911 because her parents shut off her cell phone

(Thanks to pharmaross)

‘A TASER PRONG STRUCK HIM IN THE GENITALS’

Florida man gets naked to escape DeLand store; ribeyes fall out of his pants

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ROMANTIC!

An activist couple spent Valentine’s day morning naked in bed on the site of a planned canal which Poland’s ruling Law and Justice (PiS) party wants to cut across a narrow strip of land that separates its eastern coastline from the Baltic Sea.

(Thanks to Ralph)

SPEAK FOR YOURSELVES, SCIENTISTS

Scientists theorize that space aliens may already be here, but we don’t recognize them

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

TRYING TO CATCH THE LUCKY STICK

Thousands take part in Japan’s ‘Naked Festival’

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

POLICE HAVE NOTHING ETC.

A gang of knife-wielding men jumped a delivery driver in Hong Kong and stole hundreds of toilet rolls, police said Monday

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

‘YOU DIDN’T PULL ME OVER, I PULLED YOU OVER’

Florida man ‘pulls over’ officer to ask for directions, gets busted for DUI

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

SCIENCE

Smelling your lover's shirt could improve your sleep

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WEATHER FORECAST FOR WESTERN ENGLAND

Expect a stiff breeze.

(Thanks to pharmaross and Ralph)

Sorry, bad link, now fixed. Judi will be fired as soon as we find out where she is.

MAYBE HE WANTED A CLEANY WEENIE

ROME MAN ARRESTED AFTER SHOWING PENIS AT WISHY WASHY

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SOUNDS LIKE AN IDEA FOR A STORY

Green Bay Student Gets Tongue Stuck to Metal Pole

(Thanks to pharmaross)

OTHER THAN THAT...

A case of mistaken identity caused a Louisiana woman to leave her honeymoon in handcuffs and spend 36 hours in the New Orleans jail before it was sorted out.

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE STATUE OF LIBERTY IS THE STANDARD AGAINST WHICH SALAMI SIZE IS TRADITIONALLY JUDGED

Salami larger than the Statue of Liberty has broken a world record in Argentina

(Thanks to Bob Brogan and John Lobert)

FLORIDA: STATE OF PASSION

City of Lakeland closes portion of park because of snake orgy

(Thanks to pharmaross, Stan Ruth, John Lobert and Kevin Meerschaert, who says “I would have expected this to happen in The Villages.”)

WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

Half a million mussels cooked to death at a New Zealand beach

(Thanks to Barry Nester, who asks “Is it a month with an ‘R’ in it?”)

SOUNDS EFFECTIVE

A company in Vietnam has been making masks out of toilet paper amid the coronavirus outbreak.

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

Cats are wearing coronavirus masks in China

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THERE’S SUCH A THING AS TOO BIG

Icelandic Penis Museum Growing, Moving To New Location

(Thanks to pharmaross)

KNIGHT THIS PEER

Tory peer encourages people to eat grey squirrels

(Thanks to Ralph)

DEPARTMENT OF THINGS THAT ARE DEFINITELY NOT THE NEXT HOT TREND

The next hot trend is applying a full face of makeup to your legs

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAA

St. Pete grandma let sons operate drug ring in downtown senior complex, police say

(Thanks to pharmaross)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

Strength and power of women’s buttocks harming NDC – Atubiga

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE WORD IS 'HERO'

Man performs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on gecko that drowned in his beer

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR SNOOP

Parks and recreation escalate efforts to take back control of field terrorised by thug geese

(Thanks to Ralph)

You know who's really behind this.

ASTROPERSONS?

The Space Force doesn't know what to call its troops

(Thanks to kenzen in Oregon, who says "I bet we can help." He also suggests "Half-Astronauts.")

PROBABLY NOT GONNA BE THE LAST TIME

Bank teller called police over coronavirus mask, Michigan woman claims

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, BLOGSTERS

I would put a heart emoji here if I knew how to do emojis.

WHOEVER COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING?

Adult Onesie Clothing Firm Goes Bust

(Thanks to John Gregg)

THEY CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW

Italian man, 101, told he needed his parents to confirm identity after Brexit app glitch

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "His honorary Florida driver's license is on the way," and Le Petomane, who says "I'm guessing the same app company used in the Iowa election also supplied the Brexit software.")

WE CAN EXPLAIN IT IN ONE WORD: FEAR

No One Can Explain Why Planes Stay In The Air

(Thanks to Dave N.)

WE SAW THE SNOT BOMBS ON TOUR WITH THE RAMONES

Upside-down jellyfish release venom-filled snot ‘bombs,’ scientists claim

(Thanks to John Lobert and Linda Schutjer)

'SHE WAS DISTRACTED BY A SECOND TOILET'

A woman driving along W. McMillan Street crashed into a toilet left in the middle of the lane on Monday.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

SOUNDS LIKE A KEEPER

They met on a dating app. Then he robbed a bank on their first date and forced her to be the getaway driver

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan)

'ADULTS'

Adults wearing onesies to Michigan bar crawls is a hot, growing trend

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ATTENTION, VIRGINIA TAXPAYERS

Metro has spent $3.8 million and 5 years building 2 bike racks. They're still unfinished.

(Thanks to pharmaross and Allen at Division)

IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT THE DINOSAUR PRODUCED A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Driver caught using carpool lanes with stuffed dinosaur passenger

(Thanks to Doug Ogg, Ralph and pharmaross)

'ROUND THESE PARTS WE HANG SEAL-SLAPPERS

Shocking moment man is caught on video SLAPPING a monk seal on a Hawaii beach prompting an investigation from federal marine authorities

(Thanks to Roberto)

IT'S CALLED INITIATIVE, DUDE

Girl Scouts Set Up Their Stall Outside A Weed Dispensary In Chicago, Sell Several Hundred Boxes

(Thanks to John Lobert)

EXPLANATION: HE IS AUSTRALIAN

Boy caught eating two flies that land on his face during live TV interview

(Thanks to John Lobert)

MULTI-TASKER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

“After arresting the driver for suspicion of DUI/drugs, he found out that the suspect produces/records music while driving down the highway.”

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert)

CLASSY

Woman steals $561,000 from church to pay for wedding

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DEPARTMENT OF WAY TOO MUCH SPARE TIME

Lunatic Returns Canned Corn Kernels To Cobs To Determine Approximately How Many Cobs Are In A Can

(Thanks to John Lobert)

'MUSHROOM PHOTOGRAPHER?'

Mushroom photographer gave up using indoor toilets in 1974 so he can 'give back life'

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

HE WAS OF COURSE RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING HIS FLORIDA LICENSE

Driver with 2,000 traffic violations arrested in Moscow

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT?

Unexplained deep space signal discovered repeating with a peculiar rhythm

(Thanks to The Perts)

You older blog people can explain "Shave and a haircut" to the younger blog people, if there are any.

O THE ETC.

Truck rolls over on highway in New Hampshire, dumping kegs and cases of beer

(Thanks to pharmaross and Geoff Scott, who says "Road trip!")

LOOKING FOR A ROMANTIC VALENTINE'S DAY GIFT?

Look no further.

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

GUYS IN ACTION

Excavator Bowling

(Thanks to John Lobert)

AND IN SPORTS

Moms clash at children’s dance recital at Ann Arbor school, police say

(Thanks to pharmaross)