Dave Barry's Blog

SOMEBODY HAS TO DO IT

Guy Makes Oversized Novelty Weapons from Old Amazon Boxes

(Thanks to John Lobert)

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA

Police responded for a fight inside a hotel room, then it turned out it was just two women having loud sex, and somehow it ended with a security guard getting shot at.

(Thanks to B'game)

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

Beer-drinking man arrested after firing gun at his oven at apartment complex

(Thanks to Rick Day)

WE NEED A WALL ON THE CANADIAN BORDER

Asian giant hornets confirmed to be buzzing in B.C. for very first time

(Thanks to The Perts)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

Ohio State’s trademark request for ‘The’ denied

(Thanks to pharmaross)

A FLORIDA COMMERCIAL LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Commercial truck flips on highway, lands on house in Alban, Ont. 

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

NEITHER SNOW NOR RAIN NOR... YIKES!!

Milton post office closed due to snake infestation

(Thanks to Ralph)

NEW YORK, NEW YORK

Deadly Hallucinogenic Plant Blooming in Columbus Avenue Bike Lane Divider

(Thanks to Ralph, and Bill Hudgins)

BASICALLY IT’S A LARGE SQUIRREL

A huge alpha male baboon beat the security at Groot Constantia Wine Farm in Cape Town to enjoy a free meal on Saturday.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WOODY IS BIG

More than a million people in the UK are named after a Disney character

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says “And the ones named ‘Dopey’ have been elected to Parliament.”)

WHERE THE HELL IS THE ARMY?

U.S. warns of feral hogs approaching country from Canada

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

ON ITS BUTT WAS A FLORIDA LICENSE PLATE

Yikes: Rhino Charges Safari Vehicle For A Full Minute

(Thanks to John Lobert)

FUN PET

A previously undiscovered species of electric eel which delivers a shock with more than three times the voltage of a domestic plug socket has been discovered in the Amazon rainforest.

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Rod Nunley)

SOMEBODY IS *SO* GROUNDED

Florida teen arrested after using her parents’ debit card to get cash to try to have them killed

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

A homeless man in Florida went on a car vandalism spree Monday, smashing at least 20 vehicles before getting tired and falling asleep on a nearby bench. When questioned by authorities, he said it happened because President Donald Trump "owes me one trillion dollars."

(Thanks to Rick Day)

9/11

A high school student I know was given an assignment where he had to interview someone who was an adult during the September 11 terrorist attacks of 2001.  His final questions to me were "What changes do you remember that took place across the country? Was there anything that was noticeably different to you?"  I mention your 2002 article in my response.  Just wanted to pass this along:

The terrorist attacks of 9/11/01 immediately led to the first and only instance where all of civil aviation was grounded for several days.  I believe all flights were grounded within three or four hours of the initial attack.  Incoming flights from overseas were diverted to Canada or elsewhere.  It was a travel nightmare for anyone trying to travel by air that week.

Many of us took the first opportunity we could to donate blood that week.  We were otherwise in shock over what had happened, and of course we followed the news about any hope of finding survivors amid the crumbled buildings.  Thankfully, and amazingly, some were rescued.

I recall that the popular late night talk show hosts were, like everyone, overwhelmed by what had happened.  People who make their living in comedy or entertainment were especially (and personally) challenged during that time.  Almost a year later humorist Dave Barry wrote this thoughtful reflection in reference to United flight 93, the plane that went down in Pennsylvania: On Hallowed Ground.  There are many other such tributes, which are greatly appreciated by those of us who experienced the event as it happened.

— Jim Kenaston

DEPARTMENT OF HEADLINES WE DID NOT EXPECT TO SEE IN THE NEW YORK TIMES

Are You Being Kind to Your Butt?

(Thanks to pharmaross)

GUYS IN ACTION

Man sets fire to mulch outside KFC to 'keep away the mosquitoes'

Note that because of this blog’s Strict Policy, we are not drawing undue attention to the suspect’s name.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Would you try zapping your penis with 'the Rocket' to treat erectile dysfunction at home?

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says “a taser for your todger.”)

WE ASSUME IT HAS A FLORIDA DRIVER’S LICENSE

Chimpanzee on the Loose in Santa Fe, Texas, Harassing Residents and Trying to Steal Cats

(Thanks to Ron Weil, Matt Filar and Doug Ogg)

IF WE DIDN’T HAVE RULES, WE WOULD HAVE ANARCHY

95-year-old can't renew his driver's license unless he can prove he was born

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

PLEASE CELEBRATE RESPONSIBLY

It’s Palindrome Week.

(Thanks to RTod Nunley)

WE’VE ALL HAD NIGHTS LIKE THAT

Pennsylvania man rescued from garbage truck after falling asleep in dumpster, officials say

(Thanks to Rod Nunley and Al Barkafski)

CSI: LEELANAU COUNTY

Leelanau Co. Deputies Investigate Crash, Follow Trail of Parts to Suspect’s Home

(Thanks to Geoff, who says “AKA Michigan bread crumbs.”)

IN MIAMI, WE CALL THIS 'PARKING'

CENTERVILLE —  A driver smashed through a window and into a swimming pool Monday afternoon at the Centerville LA Fitness, sending two people to a local hospital.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

AW

New 'Day of the Dead Barbie' celebrates Mexican holiday

(Thanks to pharmaross and keith intampa)

SOUTHBOUND, WE ASSUME

Video Appears to Show Tesla Driver Asleep, Slumped Over Wheel of Moving Car on Boston-Area Highway

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YOU THOUGHT NO JEANS FASHION COULD BE STUPIDER THAN THE JEANS-FULL-OF-HOLES LOOK

You thought wrong.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

'IN A NUTSHELL, WE FOUND THE ENTIRE VENUE WAS COVERED WITH GOOSE DROPPINGS'

Animal poop forces cancellation of world's biggest bounce house event in Oakland

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

THAT WILL SHOW HER

Cops say a man in South Carolina who discovered his wife was allegedly having an affair is the real homewrecker after he decided to get even by torching his home, which was uninhabited at the time.

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "This is not how Match.com is supposed to work.")

THEY'RE UP TO SOMETHING

Technicolor squirrels.

(Thanks to Catherine)

WE DO IT ALL FOR YOU

McDonald's employee filmed choking, punching customer over alleged complaint about cold fries

Related: Two 20-year-olds from St. Augustine pulled into a Palm Coast McDonald’s drive-thru before dawn Monday and threatened the drive-thru cashier with a gun for giving them cold burgers, authorities said.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BASICALLY THESE ARE SQUIRRELS

Prairie dogs take over baseball fields, temporarily force closure

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HEY, THERE COULD BE A PERFECTLY INNOCENT EXPLANATION

'Mile high club' couple annoys passengers waiting for airplane bathroom

(Thanks to pharmaross and Asher Scheiner)

LIVE FROM THE ENTERTAINMENT CAPITAL OF THE NATION

Man Dressed As Elmo Accused Of Groping Teen In Times Square

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger and Asher Scheiner)

AS A RULE WE DO NOT POST PET VIDEOS

But this one is pretty great.

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

WHAT CHOICE DID THEY HAVE?

Couple went on spending spree after accidental deposit of $120k in bank account, authorities say

State police say Robert and Tiffany Williams of Montoursville spent most of the money on items ranging from an SUV to a race car, according to WNEP.

At least they didn't waste it.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BREAKING NEWS FROM FLATHEAD COUNTY

9:58 a.m. A dog bit a human.

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

THERE IS NO POINT IN GOING ON

The popular SPAM cooking competition will not be happening at the New Mexico State Fair this year.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

'I REALLY BELTED HIM WITH IT'

82-year-old grandma beats up store robber with her cane

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

World's fastest driverless car hits 175mph as AI breaks speed record

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

FLORIDA: STATE OF ROMANCE

Deputies: Florida man held woman’s dog as ransom for ‘sexual favors'

(Thanks to pharmaross)

LAWN RANGERS UPDATE

The World Famous Lawn Rangers once again marched in the Arcola (Ill.) Broom Corn Festival Saturday, and as usual astonished the crowd with their machine-like precision lawnmower-and-broom maneuvers. Here's a YouTube video that was shot by The Amazing Steve, who was somehow able to keep his hands steady despite the awesomeness he was witnessing. This blog appears at about the 3:00 mark, wearing a dark cowboy-style hat.

THIS COULD EASILY HAPPEN TO ANYONE

Lad, 18, rushed to hospital 'after getting genitals stuck in belt sander'

(Thanks to DaninDallas and Peter M)

AND IN SPORTS

Test players back Kookaburra balls use in domestic season

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE CLASH

Dancing tarantulas emerge in droves to mate in western US

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

THEN WE WANT OUR MONEY BACK

Red Bull and Monster don’t contain bull semen

Related: There's a Huge Demand for ‘Fine Pig Sperm’ in China

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AMERICA: LAND OF THE FREE

Wheels stolen from New Mexico speed limit monitoring device

(Thanks to pharmaross)

TODAY IS GRANDPARENTS DAY

I have some thoughts.

UPDATE