Dave Barry's Blog

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Your fingers 'prune' the exact same way each time, study suggests

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner and Gary Schroeder, who asks "What would we do without studies?")

PHARMAROSS SIGHTING

Tonight at my event at the Poisoned Pen in Scottsdale, the completely insane extremely prolific blog contributor known as pharmaross presented me with a miniature ceramic Cialis bathtub. Do not ask me why.

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

'This should not be published': Scientists cast doubt on study claiming trees 'talk' before solar eclipses

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

After solar eclipses you can't shut them up.

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Naked Man Found in Lowe’s Display Shed with Vaseline and Phone

(Thanks to Actual Name)

CANADA: A NATION IN FEAR

Plane Drops Frozen Excrement Through Unsuspecting Homeowner’s Roof: “My head was only about 12 or 15 feet away”

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

A radar image of a speed offender caught in central Switzerland last month has revealed that the culprit was not only a duck but probably a repeat offender, local authorities have said.

(Thanks to Doug Shedd, Ron Wylie and Ralph)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Mystery of 'exploding birds' deepens in California

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

HOLD OFF ON THAT MORTGAGE PAYMENT

Universe expected to decay in 10⁷⁸ years, much sooner than previously thought

(Thanks to Ralph, The Perts and some guy who doesn't want credit for some reason.)

HOW MANY BEERS DO YOU HAVE?

What is the optimal number of beers to drink in one sitting?

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SHE HAS OUR VOTE

South Jersey Assembly candidate selling photos of her feet as online adult content

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BASICALLY IT'S A HORROR MOVIE

Booming squirrel population leads to Santa Monica's insistence not to feed wildlife

(Thanks to man tom)

CSI: LEANDER

Flock of mystery sheep found wandering near Texas school

(Thanks to MOTW)

ANYTHING TO DECLARE?

Over a ton of cocaine worth nearly half a billion dollars seized off Australian coast

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "This interdiction could dramatically reduce cocaine use in the U.S. for about 15 or 20 minutes.")

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER ETC.

Cow causes delays for commuters on Oklahoma City highway

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IT'S NOT US

Florida city finally figures out why it smells so bad

(Thanks to Ralph)

AS IS HIS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

Florida man accidentally shoots himself at Walmart, startling weekend shoppers

Key Quote: “It’s not the weirdest thing to happen in a Walmart. It’s honestly kind of expected,” said Myra.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SOMEBODY HAS TO DO IT

Man making miniatures of every pub in Edinburgh has his work cut out for him

(Thanks to The Perts)

CANADA: LAND OF EXCITEMENT

Friendship blossoms between 300-pound pig and little red chicken at B.C. sanctuary

(Thanks to The Perts)

A DREAM COME TRUE

The world’s biggest zipper maker is developing a self-propelled zipper

(Thanks to pharmaross, who asks "What could possibly go wrong?")

SO MANY DRUMMER JOKES, SO LITTLE TIME...

Chimpanzees drum with regular rhythm when they beat on tree trunks, study shows

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE NEWS FROM ICELAND

Road repair just in time for ovine C-section

Farmers in Skagafjörður were trapped at home after the Héraðsvötn and Húseyjarhvísl rivers overflowed their banks. There was also a sharp increase in water levels at Goðafoss and Aldeyjarfoss in Bárðardalur.

The average flow of the Skjálfandafljót river at Aldeyjarfoss is 50 m³/s, but at its peak this week reached over sixteen times that.

Water flowed over the road further into Bárðardalur on Wednesday night....

Hlini Jón Gíslason, a farmer at Svartárkot at the innermost part of Bárðardalur, could waste no time when it became clear that the ewe Eldsnögg needed a caesarean and had to be driven for about an hour to Akureyri. It was fortunate, then, that the road had already been reopened.

The ewe and her brand-new lamb handled the car ride well, and the young lamb quickly made it to the udder once they were back in the shed.

This has been The News From Iceland.

(Thanks to Art Kraus)

'COULD SHIP AS EARLY AS 2026'

This $1M flying car can reach speeds of 155 mph

(Thanks to The Perts and Mark Chellis)

WELL AT LEAST HE DIDN'T ANY FLUIDS WEIGHING MORE THAN 3.4 OUNCES!

Airport officials were stunned when they opened an overweight luggage belonging to an Australian tourist, prompting them to call in an Explosive Ordnance Disposal (EOD) unit for inspection after discovering what appeared to be mines, ammunition, and explosive components.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SEND THIS CHIP TO WASHINGTON

US Air Force creating AI chip the size of rice grain that 'mimics human brain'

(Thanks to Annette)

WHO SAYS NOBODY MAKES GOOD MUSIC ANY MORE?

Not this blog.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY...

...to all you wonderful Blog Moms!

OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

A Met Police officer who hid a Ninja star in his pants, 'hoping a colleague would touch his penis', has been sacked. PC Stewart Clark played the dirty jape on a colleague during a training role play when officers simulate a search on each other by hiding an object, a tribunal heard.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker) 

WE MIGHT AS WELL SHRED THE SO-CALLED 'BILL OF RIGHTS'

Cohoes resident reportedly restrains chainsaw-wielding man in clown mask

(Thanks to Actual Name)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS A LOVELY SERVICE

Fight at a funeral in Connecticut erupts into gunfire and stabbing, wounding 2

(Thanks to Doug Shedd)

THERE GOES THE BRIDE

The bride's best friends led her to a nearby bush and held up her custom mermaid-style gown designed by Lauren Elaine as she peed. The "dramatic" dress had "an eight-foot train and hundreds of yards of tulle."

(Thanks to pharmaross)

OR NOT

Coming soon to a penis near you — the ‘world’s first’ male contraceptive implant

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE'RE NOT LAUGHING. YOU'RE LAUGHING.

2-fingered man caught with largest cache of homemade pipe bombs in FBI history

(Thanks to Actual Name, who says: "Competence.")

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Researchers have shown that releasing an egg sideways gives it the best chance of surviving a great fall.

(Thanks to Edmond Orignac and The Perts)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Norwegian fan trades five kilos of fish for ticket to Bodø/Glimt v Tottenham

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE'VE ALL DONE IT

Plane caught fire as pilot confused left and right

(Thanks to Rick Day)

OF COURSE

What causes nearly every alligator attack on humans? Study says it's our fault

(Thanks to John Lobert)

MOTHER'S DAY ADVICE FOR MEN

You're going to screw it up.

ALSO ABOARD THE SMUGGLERS' SHIP: 'FOUR MONKEYS, 12 PARROTS AND AN UNDISCLOSED AMOUNT OF MARIJUANA'

The Jamaica Defense Force said an escaped animal initially reported to be a tiger cub is actually an ocelot, a wildcat native to the Americas and Caribbean islands.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WELL IF THE SHEEP ARE INVADING IN HELICOPTERS, IT'S TIME TO FIGHT BACK

Texas aims to legalize hunting invasive sheep from helicopters

(Thanks to MOTW)

WAIT, DUDE.... NOT WEED?

Scientists find the best crops to grow during the apocalypse

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston, who says "I'll either be out or ordering out.")

THE VERY DEFINITION OF NEWS

Naked man arrested after biting dog, officer in Lawrence gas station bathroom

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SHE MAY BE FICTIONAL, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN SHE CAN'T LEGALLY DRIVE IN FLORIDA

Villager crashes Tesla in roundabout and blames fictional girl driver

(Thanks to Rick Day)

INFLUENCERS AT SEA

A near-tragedy nearly happens in Miami.

THANK GOD FOR STUDIES

Celiac sufferers can safely kiss bread-eaters, study says

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

Women are more attracted to BALD men, study reveals

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR, FLORIDA DIVISION

Florida Man Tries to Use Stolen Excavator to Steal ATM Right Next to Police Station

(Thanks to Ron T)

THE WORD IS 'MAJESTIC'

A rare New Zealand snail is filmed for the first time laying an egg from its neck

(Thanks to Rick Day)

SHE WAS RELEASED AFTER CHEWY PRODUCED A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Woman arrested after raccoon named Chewy found with meth pipe in driver's seat during police stop

(Thanks to Doug Shedd, MAC, Ralph, pharmaross and Ron Wylie)

CSI: JONESBORO

Jail enters lock down after convicted killer goes missing for 12 hours. Then cops realize they forgot him at the courthouse

(Thanks to Ron Wylie)

LOOKING FOR A UNIQUE MOTHER'S DAY GIFT?

Your search is over.

(Thanks to Carl Youngdahl)