May 23, 2019

DEPARTMENT OF NEWS STORIES WE DOUBT ACTUALLY HAPPENED BUT WHAT THE HELL

Drunk Man Vomits So Hard, Throws up Undiagnosed Tumour, Then Swallows it Back

(Thanks to MOTW)

Posted by Dave on May 23, 2019 at 11:34 AM
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GUESS THE CONTINENT

Enormous python swallows even bigger python, but can't handle it

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

Posted by Dave on May 23, 2019 at 11:31 AM
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DUH

IQ rates are dropping in many developed countries

Exhibit A: 56 percent of Americans don't want Arabic numerals taught in schools

(Thanks to pharmaross)

 

Posted by Dave on May 23, 2019 at 11:30 AM
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EMPLOYEE HYGIENE IS IMPORTANT

Local Wendy's investigating video of man bathing in kitchen sink

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on May 23, 2019 at 11:28 AM
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OTHER THAN THAT, HE HAD A GOOD DAY

A convicted felon accidentally shot himself in the genitals last month at an apartment in Cashmere. His problems didn’t stop there.

...As doctors and nurses performed surgery at Central Washington Hospital, a balloon containing marijuana slipped out of his anus, the affidavit said.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley, pharmaross, John Lobert, David Knight and DaninDallas)

Posted by Dave on May 23, 2019 at 11:25 AM
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THESE FUGITIVES TODAY

Fugitive agrees to surrender if his wanted poster receives 15,000 Facebook likes

(Thanks to Asher Schneider and pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on May 23, 2019 at 11:22 AM
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THE ESSENTIALS

According to the Gonzales Police Department, on May 12, a woman loaded 21 bottles of Titos Vodka and five cases of toilet paper into a shopping cart.

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert)

Posted by Dave on May 23, 2019 at 11:17 AM
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GUESS WHICH WAY FLORIDA MAN CHOSE

Crashing a wedding can go two ways: you have a great time while enjoying some free drinks and leave without anyone noticing you weren't actually invited or you join the bride and groom during their first dance and get arrested.

(Thanks to Fabian Matson and pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on May 23, 2019 at 11:06 AM
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LOOKS LEGIT TO THIS BLOG

Man ticketed for hand drawn inspection sticker

(Thanks to Bill Huggins, who says “Perfectly legal in FL”)

Posted by Dave on May 23, 2019 at 11:00 AM
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THE CORRECT SETTING IS ‘YIKES’

Oklahoma man discovers nearly 7-foot snake in his dryer vent

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

Posted by Dave on May 23, 2019 at 10:56 AM
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TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT

Face mites feast on skin oils, mate while you sleep

And of course they all have valid Florida drivers’ licenses.

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Chuck Cody) 

Posted by Dave on May 23, 2019 at 10:54 AM
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May 22, 2019

EVERYONE GET INDOORS *NOW*

Giant tiger sharks eat backyard birds, surprising study reveals

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

Posted by Dave on May 22, 2019 at 09:41 AM
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NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

ISU researchers teaming with Washie the Cleaner Toilet Seat to test new product

(Thanks to Craig Roberts and Woozy Barnes)

Posted by Dave on May 22, 2019 at 09:39 AM
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BLOKES IN ACTION

’Bored’ bike shop employees try to cremate mouse – accidentally burn down shop

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on May 22, 2019 at 09:38 AM
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WE SAW VOMIT FRAUD OPEN FOR THE RAMONES

Florida Lyft rider faces steep fee following alleged 'vomit fraud'

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on May 22, 2019 at 09:36 AM
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WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

Cheese Made From Celebrity Belly Button and Armpit Bacteria Goes on Display

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on May 22, 2019 at 09:34 AM
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WE HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS

Woman coats car with cow dung to keep it cool

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on May 22, 2019 at 09:32 AM
Permalink | Comments (9)

BUT NOW WE KNOW HIS SECRET IDENTITY

Maryland man who drives Batmobile replica ends up tracking down driver after hit-and-run

(Thanks to pharmaross)

 

Posted by Dave on May 22, 2019 at 09:29 AM
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ATTENTION, MEN WHO DRINK:

Do not, under any circumstances, click here.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

Posted by Dave on May 22, 2019 at 09:27 AM
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‘IT’S OK, OFFICERS. WE’RE IN A PLAY.’

Get ready for more naked Shakespeare in Prospect Park this summer

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on May 22, 2019 at 09:24 AM
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May 21, 2019

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING ETC.

The 5-foot-long lizard that was on the loose in Key Largo is finally off the streets

(Thanks to Eric Y)

Posted by Dave on May 21, 2019 at 04:14 PM
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DEFINITELY WORTH GOING TO JAIL OVER

A dispute over custody of a hedgehog turned violent Sunday evening when a Florida woman allegedly struck her mother several times in an attempt to take the spiny mammal from the family’s home.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

Posted by Dave on May 21, 2019 at 04:11 PM
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YIKES

Texas family puts out traps for mouse in house, catches snakes instead

(Thanks to Laura)

Posted by Dave on May 21, 2019 at 04:08 PM
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YES

Making your kids go vegan can mean jail time in Belgium

(Thanks to John Gregg, who says “I’m not sure why they took the death penalty off of the table.”)

Posted by Dave on May 21, 2019 at 04:05 PM
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HE HAD NO CHOICE

Man doesn’t get pepperoni on pizza, uses gun to threaten store manager

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and John Lobert)

Posted by Dave on May 21, 2019 at 03:57 PM
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THAT’S THEIR STORY AND THEY’RE STICKING TO IT

Here's why sheep was in back seat of Middletown police cruiser

(Thanks to Greg Snow)

Posted by Dave on May 21, 2019 at 03:41 PM
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CRIMESTOPPER OF THE WEEK SO (burrppp) FAR

Brewery offers free beer for info on stolen van, 42 minutes later, it was located

(Thanks to Greg Snow) 

Posted by Dave on May 21, 2019 at 03:39 PM
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BETTER THAN ON THE SOFA

Vacationers Find Alligator Lounging on Alligator Pool Float at Their Miami Airbnb

(Thanks to Dave Vander Ark, Ralph, pharmaross and Allen at Division)

Posted by Dave on May 21, 2019 at 03:37 PM
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‘ROUND THESE PARTS WE HANG LEMUR RUSTLERS

Man accused of Newport Beach burglaries pleads guilty to stealing endangered lemur from Santa Ana Zoo

(Thanks to man tom)

Posted by Dave on May 21, 2019 at 03:35 PM
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IT’S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THE GREAT WHITE SHARK GETS THEM

Goats arrive in Riverside Park to eat invasive weeds

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Posted by Dave on May 21, 2019 at 02:51 PM
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HE WOULD KNOW

Ghostbusters' Dan Aykroyd says aliens are here - and they want sex with human women

(Thanks to Matt Filar, who says “Human women?”)

Posted by Dave on May 21, 2019 at 12:33 PM
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SHOCKER: ‘BOTH MEN SMELLED OF ALCOHOL’

Two men end up in court after row about rescuing a duck in McDonald’s

(Thanks to John Lobert) 

Posted by Dave on May 21, 2019 at 12:31 PM
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WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

Nurse, 46, uses emotional support pet SKUNK called Pongo to

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

Posted by Dave on May 21, 2019 at 12:29 PM
Permalink | Comments (7)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Miami’s flying car port is almost finished. And the flying cars are not far behind

(Thanks to man tom and pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on May 21, 2019 at 12:24 PM
Permalink | Comments (8)

THE SPIDER WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

Georgia woman’s van rolls into river, sinks after spider scare

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Posted by Dave on May 21, 2019 at 12:14 PM
Permalink | Comments (3)

DO NOT EVEN *THINK* ABOUT TRYING THIS IN MIAMI

D.C.’s worst idea ever: Giving regular people the power to issue parking tickets

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

Posted by Dave on May 21, 2019 at 12:13 PM
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FLORIDA MEN, THAT’S WHAT

Florida Man: what lies behind the Sunshine State's crazy stereotype?

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Posted by Dave on May 21, 2019 at 12:08 PM
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IF IT CAN MAKE IT THERE...

Great white shark spotted in Long Island Sound for first time ever

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

Posted by Dave on May 21, 2019 at 12:05 PM
Permalink | Comments (5)

May 20, 2019

GAME OF THRONES ANALYSIS

This blog knows nothing about Game of Thrones.

Posted by Dave on May 20, 2019 at 09:51 AM
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BUT NOT BEFORE OPENING FOR WAYNE FONTANA AND THE MINDBENDERS

Farting dinosaurs with low sex drives 'ATE themselves into extinction'

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

Posted by Dave on May 20, 2019 at 09:50 AM
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AND YOUR POINT IS...

“People, she put BALLS on my wedding cake! Not pearls, balls!”

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on May 20, 2019 at 09:47 AM
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SHE HAS OUR VOTE

A local councilor sporting nothing but a unicorn headdress, underpants and a little body paint spruced up a regional flower show near the southwestern city of Schwäbisch Gmünd in the state of Baden-Württemberg.

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on May 20, 2019 at 09:41 AM
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STAND TALL WHILE GRASPING SOMETHING FOR SUPPORT, CANADA

Canada ranks third in the world for drunkenness

(Thanks to The [burp] Perts)

Posted by Dave on May 20, 2019 at 09:30 AM
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STEP AWAY FROM THE BONG, PHYSICISTS

Jellyfish chips may become your new favorite snack thanks to these physicists

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan and The Perts)

Posted by Dave on May 20, 2019 at 09:26 AM
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ONE HAS ALREADY BEEN ACCEPTED AT USC

Sheep registered as pupils in bid to save classes at French Alps primary school

(Thanks to elseabs)

Posted by Dave on May 20, 2019 at 09:22 AM
Permalink | Comments (13)

YOU KNOW WHERE HE WAS HEADED

Man, 92, drives mobility scooter along Melbourne’s Monash Freeway

(Thanks to elseabs)

Posted by Dave on May 20, 2019 at 09:20 AM
Permalink | Comments (8)

May 19, 2019

THIS DESCRIBES BASICALLY EVERY FLATHEAD COUNTY POLICE BLOTTER

Some Weird Stuff is Going Down

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Posted by Dave on May 19, 2019 at 10:31 AM
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GUYS IN ACTION

Portland police arrested a man who admitted he used dog poop to make an explosive device in order to get revenge on a former friend.

(Thanks to B’game)

Posted by Dave on May 19, 2019 at 10:29 AM
Permalink | Comments (3)

THE ATM WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER’S LICENSE

A Florida man found himself back in jail after chatting with an ATM and charging a deputy, according to the Washington County Sheriff's Office.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on May 19, 2019 at 10:27 AM
Permalink | Comments (5)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

The truth about sex: we are not getting enough

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Posted by Dave on May 19, 2019 at 10:24 AM
Permalink | Comments (10)

 
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