March 25, 2020

IF YOU WATCH ONLY ONE VIDEO TODAY. OR, FRANKLY, EVER.

It should be this.

(Please explain, if you can, how the hell he did this.)

Posted by Dave on March 25, 2020 at 05:43 PM
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IT'S PROBABLY USING WAZE

A 12-foot-long great white shark named "Ironbound" appears to be heading into the Gulf of Mexico when other tagged members of its species are moving in the other direction.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on March 25, 2020 at 01:07 PM
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WE SAW SALVO OF SNOT OPEN FOR THE RAMONES

Epic moment a blue whale SNEEZES and blasts an overhead research drone with a salvo of 'snot'

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

Posted by Dave on March 25, 2020 at 01:05 PM
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WE WERE AHEAD OF THIS CURVE

People are stocking up on puzzles for coronavirus quarantine

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "Now look at what hoarding trend this blog  started.")

Posted by Dave on March 25, 2020 at 01:03 PM
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NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

DIY Toilet Paper Ply Splitter

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "Downside: you use twice as much.")

Posted by Dave on March 25, 2020 at 12:56 PM
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GUYS IN ACTION

Strike!

(Thanks to John Lobert)

Directly Related: Mammal study explains 'why females live longer'

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Posted by Dave on March 25, 2020 at 12:53 PM
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REPORT FROM THE HOME-SCHOOLING FRONT:

"I'm telling you it is not going good."

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert)

Posted by Dave on March 25, 2020 at 12:21 PM
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IT'S GETTING SERIOUS

The State Government has announced restrictions on the amount of alcohol West Australians will be allowed to buy to try amid coronavirus panic-buying.

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

Posted by Dave on March 25, 2020 at 12:18 PM
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INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Like any good Florida story, this one begins with a naked couple brawling inside a car parked at the mall.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on March 25, 2020 at 12:16 PM
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HEY, THEY WEREN'T USING THEM

Man charged after breaking into parent’s home, stealing meatballs

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on March 25, 2020 at 12:14 PM
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March 24, 2020

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THINGS COULD NOT POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE

Peeps manufacturer shutting down production amid coronavirus outbreak

(Thanks to Sandi K)

Posted by Dave on March 24, 2020 at 02:09 PM
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SOCIAL DISTANCING

Huber Heights firefighters are doing their part.

(Thanks to Joeage)

Posted by Dave on March 24, 2020 at 01:26 PM
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PROBABLY LOOKING FOR TOILET PAPER

Australian woman finds huge Burmese python on her porch

(Thanks to Rick Day)

Posted by Dave on March 24, 2020 at 12:17 PM
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AND IN SPORTS

Boise seniors spend time in quarantine playing 'Hungry Hungry Hippos'

Thanks to Craig Roberts)

Posted by Dave on March 24, 2020 at 12:16 PM
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CANADA TURNS VIOLENT

A Prince Edward Island pig and dairy farmer is literally throwing bacon and sausages at his customers through their car windows in order to maintain social distancing amid the COVID-19 pandemic — and people keep coming back for more.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and The Perts)

Posted by Dave on March 24, 2020 at 11:58 AM
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LEADERSHIP

Denver mayor reverses order to close liquor stores, recreational marijuana dispensaries after crowds swarm

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on March 24, 2020 at 11:29 AM
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March 23, 2020

HE’S A *GOOD* BOY

Dog so happy humans are always at home sprains his tail from 'excessive wagging'

(Thanks to John Lobert)

Posted by Dave on March 23, 2020 at 02:57 PM
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NO PANDEMIC CAN STOP FLORIDA MAN

Auburndale Florida Man Arrested During Traffic Stop And Found To Be Naked With String Tied To His Genitals

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on March 23, 2020 at 12:46 PM
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THIS IS PRETTY GREAT

Nick started commenting on everyday life as he saw it and shared the videos on Twitter.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

Posted by Dave on March 23, 2020 at 12:42 PM
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THAT SHOULD DO IT

Inter Miami alters its logo to promote social distancing during coronavirus pandemic

(Thanks to Mrs. Blog)

Posted by Dave on March 23, 2020 at 12:29 PM
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NOW WE KNOW IT'S SERIOUS

Neil Diamond revises ‘Sweet Caroline’ for coronavirus: ‘Hands... washing hands’

(Thanks to Chris, who says "At least there was nothing about chairs.")

Posted by Dave on March 23, 2020 at 12:13 PM
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ONE DUDE PER BONG, DUDES

Cannabis sales explode as Californians become homebound

Related: “Bong Condoms” Do Not Belong In Your Stoner Survival Kit. We Know Because We Tried Them.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on March 23, 2020 at 11:58 AM
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ALWAYS CARRY SOME ON YOUR PERSON

Shopkeeper throws chilli at armed robber sending him fleeing with nothing but very sore eyes

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on March 23, 2020 at 11:43 AM
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AND IN SPORTS

Confined by virus, Frenchman runs marathon on his balcony

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on March 23, 2020 at 11:31 AM
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March 22, 2020

OPEN THREAD

Blog community, feel free to weigh in here on the COVID-19 situation and all the covidiotic things that have been happening during this time of worldwide suckage. Also let your fellow blog people know how you're doing in the crisis. Do you have enough toilet paper? Food? How about toilet paper? FOR GOD'S SAKE MAKE SURE YOU HAVE ENOUGH TOILET PAPER.

Us? We're fine! Why do you ask? 

Update: I'll keep this post on top of the blog for a while, since it seems to be semi-therapeutic.

Update to the Update: We checked the little box that supposedly keeps this post on top, but Typepad doesn't seem to want to keep it on top. So you may have to hunt for it. We apologize for any inconvenience. Rest assured that judi will be fired from a minimum distance of six feet.

Posted by Dave on March 22, 2020 at 01:08 PM
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WHAT WE NEED IN THESE TRYING TIMES

Vicar sets himself on fire during first online coronavirus church service

(Thanks to John Lobert)

Posted by Dave on March 22, 2020 at 12:44 PM
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TOILET PAPER IN THE NEWS

NEBRASKANS ARE STEALING TOILET PAPER FROM INTERSTATE REST STOPS

Florida Man Charged With Stealing $1 Roll Of Toilet Paper Is Held On $5000 Bond

Man arrested for allegedly stealing 66 rolls of toilet paper from Orlando hotel

“Rush on toilet paper” at local store causes fight; police called

Toilet paper alternatives cause sewer problems

Make Your Own: Artisanal Toilet Paper

Bakery Special: TP Cake

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston, Ann, Ralph, Ranald Adams and pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on March 22, 2020 at 12:38 PM
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THE APOCALYPSE IS DEFINITELY HERE

Minibikes and a motorized port-a-potty take over a Milwaukee roundabout.

(Thanks to Jane Owen)

We WANT the porta-potty.

Posted by Dave on March 22, 2020 at 12:30 PM
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AH YES, THE OLD BACK ROAD

For the weekend 21/22 and 28/29 the bus will travel on Strand Rd, Culmore Rd until Culmore Roundabout where it will then travel up Madams Bank Rd, turning right at Ballyarnett Roundabout past Steelstown GAA and take the (back road) to Muff.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on March 22, 2020 at 12:15 PM
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SPORTS UPDATE FROM DOWN UNDER

Australia's most prestigious pro rugby league is combating the coronavirus pandemic ... by appointing a special BALL WASHER to keep things clean on the field.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on March 22, 2020 at 12:12 PM
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March 21, 2020

PRIORITIES II

New York hair and nail salons to shut, but booze deemed 'essential'

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on March 21, 2020 at 12:56 PM
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BUT DOES IT PICK UP THE POOP?

Drone walks dog for man on coronavirus lockdown in Cyprus

(Thanks to Doug Ogg and Suzie Q Wacvet) (as opposed to nursecindy)

Posted by Dave on March 21, 2020 at 12:54 PM
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PRIORITIES

A man in Italy gets charged for ignoring the coronavirus lockdown to play 'Pokémon Go'

(Thanks to Ralph)

Posted by Dave on March 21, 2020 at 12:34 PM
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‘DON’T JUST COVER YOUR MOUTH’

D.C. restaurant gives condoms with to-go orders

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on March 21, 2020 at 12:25 PM
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WE HOPE IT WAS DECAF

Crews clean I-81 after coffee covers lanes following tractor-trailer crash

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says “Traffic ground to a halt,” and Allen at Division, who says “We’re gonna need a lot of creamer.”)

Related: Truck spills 40,000 pounds of Gatorade

(Thanks to Steve L, who says “We’re gonna need more athletes.”)

Posted by Dave on March 21, 2020 at 11:45 AM
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STREET VALUE: $854 TRILLION

The North Carolina truck driver was busted on Wednesday hauling 18,000 pounds of toilet paper in a stolen 18-wheeler trailer 

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w, The Squirrel Whisperer, Rod Nunley, Le Petomane, pharmaross and Steve K)

Posted by Dave on March 21, 2020 at 11:39 AM
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March 20, 2020

ATTENTION, SELF-QUARANTINERS:

I made you a really unhelpful self-help video. (Give it a little while to get started.)

Posted by Dave on March 20, 2020 at 12:52 PM
Permalink | Comments (29)

AND IMMEDIATELY TRADED IT IN FOR A 24-PACK OF CHARMIN

Woman gives birth in toilet paper aisle of Springfield Walmart

(Thanks to Kevin Meershcaert, who asks "Did she name the kid Scott?")

Posted by Dave on March 20, 2020 at 11:59 AM
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WE ALL NEED SOMETHING NICE RIGHT NOW

...so, here.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

Posted by Dave on March 20, 2020 at 11:53 AM
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MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

4:14 p.m. A grocery store employee called 911 to report that a woman had been in the store’s bathroom for an extended period of time. The employee thought that the woman was either doing drugs or eating donuts.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

Posted by Dave on March 20, 2020 at 11:50 AM
Permalink | Comments (5)

LUCKY BASTARDS

An Australian family accidentally ordered $3,264 worth of toilet paper when they bought 48 boxes instead of 48 rolls

(Thanks to The Perts)

Posted by Dave on March 20, 2020 at 11:47 AM
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SWELL. WHERE'S OUR FLYING CAR?

This drone can play dodgeball – and win

(Thanks to Dave Stuff)

Posted by Dave on March 20, 2020 at 11:43 AM
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March 19, 2020

CLASSY

Man breaks into Jacksonville church, steals hand sanitizer

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert)

Posted by Dave on March 19, 2020 at 04:16 PM
Permalink | Comments (14)

43 MILLION

This online calculator tells you exactly how much toilet roll you actually need to buy

(Thanks to Dave Stuff)

Posted by Dave on March 19, 2020 at 04:14 PM
Permalink | Comments (7)

DUH

Female narwhals attracted to males with biggest horns, study finds

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on March 19, 2020 at 12:33 PM
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OUR WORST FEAR HAS BEEN REALIZED

Accordions

(Thanks to Roberto)

Posted by Dave on March 19, 2020 at 12:21 PM
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EVERYBODY'S STRESSED

Elephants break into farm in self-isolation and get drunk on whisky

(Thanks to John Lobert)

Posted by Dave on March 19, 2020 at 12:13 PM
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THE 'CAN-DO' SPIRIT THAT MAKES THIS NATION WHAT IT IS

One Las Vegas strip club is staying open amid a 30-day shutdown recommended by Gov. Steve Sisolak and taking social distancing to another level by offering drive-through strip shows.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

Posted by Dave on March 19, 2020 at 12:09 PM
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THE SOLUTION TO EVERYTHING

NASA unsticks its Martian digging probe by whacking it with a shovel.

(Thanks to John Criswell and Ralph)

Posted by Dave on March 19, 2020 at 11:40 AM
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JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THINGS COULD NOT GET ANY WORSE

The Deerfield American Legion hosted “Testicle Festival” will not take place Saturday, March 21 as planned, as limitations upon the number of people together in one setting, have been set by the Michigan state government in a response to combatting COVID-19.

(Thanks to B'game and Allen at Division)

And Now This: Playboy suspends iconic magazine after 66 years over coronavirus pandemic

(Thanks to Steve K. and pharmaross)

Posted by Dave on March 19, 2020 at 11:36 AM
Permalink | Comments (5)

 
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