Dave Barry's Blog

IT ALMOST WORKED

Officers seize bag with ‘Definitely not a bag full of drugs’ printed on it – and it was full of drugs, Police Bureau says

(Thanks to Doug Ogg and Ralph)

OUR DARKEST HOUR

The history of The Great Squirrel Stampede

(Thanks to Ranger Denny, who says "I've recently relocated from central Illinois to Carmel, Indiana — home to a bazillion roundabouts — and where every September the locals celebrate The Great Squirrel Stampede of 1822.  Road trip?")

WITHOUT EXPERTS, WE WOULD BE LOST

A Butt Expert Reveals The Single Biggest Mistake You're Making Down There After You Poop

(Thanks to Ron Wylie)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Mystery lemur found wandering loose in Houston park

(Thanks to John Lobert, who saw them open for the Cowsills)

APPARENTLY KEITH SNEEZED THERE

Oldest living microbes found in 2-billion-year-old rock

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THIS IS WHAT GENE WEINGARTEN CALLS AN 'APTONYM'

Funeral home of the week so far.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

A GRATEFUL WORLD REJOICES

The largest arthropod to ever live finally has a head

(Thanks to John Hayden and Barry Nester)

BOLO

Koala leads police on chase through Sydney train station

(Thanks to John Lobert, who believes the headline should be "Brave Police Chase Only Creature in Australia That Will Not Kill You.”)

WE WERE PROMISED FLYING CARS

...instead, we have this.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

YET ANOTHER REASON NOT TO HAVE SEX WITH A SLOTH

Brain-swelling ‘sloth’ fever could be caught via SEX

(Thanks to Annette)

AND IN 'SPORTS'

Teenager claims first ever Tetris 'rebirth'

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "There's hope for our future.")

LOOKING FOR A UNIQUE VACATION DESTINATION?

Look no further.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

AND THERE'S A GIFT SHOP!

Now, thanks to The Icelandic Phallological Museum, it is finally possible for individuals to undertake serious study into the field of phallology in an organized, scientific fashion.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "Forget Disney World.")

SHE WAS IMMEDIATELY SIGNED BY THE DOLPHINS

In a rematch, mama bear Grazer defeats rival that killed her cub to win Fat Bear Week

(Thanks to Ron Wylie)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

CBP beagle sniffs out bag carrying over 2 pounds of snake meat at Virginia airport

(Thanks to EricY)

MILTON

Here in Miami, we're prepared.

NO WAY THE RACCOONS PLANNED THIS ON THEIR OWN

Washington woman calls authorities after finding over 100 raccoons outside her home demanding food

(Thanks to B'game, Barry Nester and Ralph)

THIS MAKES UP FOR ALL THE DELAYED FLIGHTS

Pakistan International Airlines (PIA) achieved another milestone, a flight PK784 from Toronto to Karachi recently took off almost three hours ahead of schedule, leaving all passengers behind.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE ARE 100 PERCENT WITH THE STAFF MEMBER

A Dutch museum has recovered an artwork that looks like two empty beer cans after a staff member accidentally threw it in the rubbish bin thinking it was trash.

(Thanks to The Perts, Geoffrey Scott, Mezrap, Doug Ogg and MOTW)

BUT DO THEY HAVE SPICY ROCKET SQUID?

Fried bear. Snake over rice. Everything’s fair game at the Roadkill Cook-Off.

(Thanks to The Perts)

THIS IS A SLIPPERY SLOPE THAT ENDS WITH DISCO

‘Hideous’ 70s interior trend makes a surprising comeback in homes

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

First it was the dodo – now scientists want to resurrect the giant bear and jumbo beaver

(Thanks to Ralph)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

Alcoholism charity executive caught drink driving and hiding from police in bush

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

NEW YORK STREET-FOOD REPORT

They have pretty much everything.

Do not miss the spicy rocket squid.

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Drew Barrymore Says She Sprained Her Ankle Trying To Pee Outside: “I Ended Up Falling In A Hole”

(Thanks to John Lobert)

ASIDE FROM KEITH?

Who pooped – 250 million years ago?

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

THE WAIT IS FINALLY OVER

Japan’s cat testicle calendar is here

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

1,285-Pound Pumpkin Explodes Into Bazillion Pieces After Being Dropped From Crane

(Thanks to Carolyn L)

AND IN SPORTS

UFC veteran Matt Brown endorses 'crotch-kicking' championship

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DON'T BE CRUEL

Discover the glittering rock 'n' roll Elvis worms

((Thanks to MOTW)

OOPS

Passengers on a recent Qantas flight from Australia to Japan were left gobsmacked after an inappropriate movie was played on every screen due to a technical issue.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THE NEWS FROM HIMACHAL PRADESH

Residents of Himachal Pradesh will now be taxed based on the number of toilet seats in their homes, as the state government, led by Chief Minister Sukhvinder Singh Sukhu, grapples with a financial crisis.

This has been The News From Himachal Pradesh.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

STANDING HIS GROUND

Florida man arrested for sleeping on Walmart roof with gun in hand

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ALSO, WILL THERE BE DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME UP THERE?

China and the US 'locked in race' to decide what time it is on the Moon

(Thanks to Annette)

BRILLIANT

Court Says Man Can't Be Charged with Drunk Driving Because He Chugged Entire Bottle After Getting Pulled Over

(Thanks to Ralph)

BUT.... THEY'RE NOT CARS

Flying cars straight out of ‘The Jetsons’ are finally a reality — and several people own them now

(Thanks to Mezrap, pharmaross and Emily, Leslie and w)

ALERT LEVEL: MAXIMUM

Escaped circus camel spotted wandering road in France

(Thanks to John Lobert)

RACCOONS ARE BASICALLY FAT SQUIRRELS WEARING MASKS

Raccoon rampage of poop and pee leaves NYC family with $100K repair bill

(Thanks to Mezrap)

QUESTIONS SUCH AS 'WERE YOU ONCE IN A BAND WITH KEITH RICHARDS?'

People have some questions about ‘188-year-old man found living in a cave’

(Thanks to John Lobert)

'IT WAS A DIFFERENT DAY AT WORK'

A Beach Cleanup Crew Thought They Found a Sea Snake. It Was Actually a Whale Penis

(Thanks to pharmaross)

A PERSON'S GOTTA EAT

A Brooklyn bank robber on the run was busted with the loot he stole Friday morning after he decided to stop for breakfast at a Lower East Side Chinese restaurant, police said.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ALWAYS CARRY ONE

A surgeon at a crisis-hit NHS trust used a Swiss Army penknife to open up the chest of a patient because he claimed he could not find a sterile scalpel.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THEY WANT TO MATE WITH THE TARANTULAS?

Spider lovers scurry to Colorado town in search of mating tarantulas and community

(Thanks to John Lobert and Ralph)

YET THAT IS EXACTLY WHY 911 WAS CREATED

Man faces charges after he called 911 on someone who lit a scented candle

(Thanks to EricY)

THAT'S HIM, ALL RIGHT

Clearest footage yet shows ‘Bigfoot’ chilling in the woods

(Thanks to pharmaross and Emily, Leslie and w)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Incredible plan for world’s first AI passenger plane with NO PILOT where travellers can sit in cockpit & enjoy the view

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

AND IN OUTDOOR SPORTS

Fat Bear Week delayed after a large bear kills a rival bear

(Thanks to Ron Wylie and The Perts)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

An American bomb from WWII explodes at a Japanese airport, leaving a crater on the taxiway

(Thanks to The Perts, who say "It's not over yet.")

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

Woman faces milk carton assault charges after seagull capture

(Thanks to Ralph)

FLIES HAVE BRAINS?

Fly brain breakthrough 'huge leap' to unlock human mind

(Thanks to many people)