Dave Barry's Blog

24 SEASON PREMIERE

Here is where we stand:

Last season, there were many developments in what we like to call the "plot." The main one was of course that the White House was taken over by terrorist frogpersons. That was definitely the highlight of the season, and possibly of all human history.

Other than that, we honestly don't recall much of what happened last season, except that at the very end Jack Bauer was continuing to die, as he had been for months, from exposure to the Deadly Death Canister of Lethal Doom. Fortunately, in the off-season he was cured, thanks to a risky experimental medical procedure that involved being pressed from both sides by live human bosoms.

Jack is now living in New York City, so we can safely assume that there will be a terrorist attack there. If the authorities had any sense, they would immediately evacuate any metropolitan area within a 50-mile radius of Jack. (Of course if the authorities had any sense, they would not be on 24.) Meanwhile Chloe is back working for the CTU, which is now headquartered – Here's a coincidence! – in New York City. The president is still President Woman President. Edgar is still dead.

We'll attempt with little success to analyze the action here; stay tuned in the comments at the end when The Amazing Steve will briefly remove the syringe from his arm and explain what happened.

ADVISORY: Be advised that tomorrow night at (we think) 8 Eastern Perimeter Thigh Stabbing Time there will be another two-hour episode. Be further advised that we personally will be on an airplane at that time, so we will be unable to blog it. In fact, under current TSA anti-terrorist regulations, we will be unable to even think about blogging it. Or, pee. Or, think about peeing. So tomorrow night you will be on your own. (To answer a question in the comments: There will be a post here tomorrow night where you can post your analyses.)

UPDATE: This is not directly related to the season premiere of 24, but: It appears as though Hulk Hogan is going to get his prized toilet seat back.

UPDATE:The show that's on before 24 looks a lot like 24.

UPDATE: Here is the best comment so far, especially considering that the show has not started. From Jeff Tompkins: "I have established a perimeter made up of various types of Lance™ crackers. Ready."

Also this, from a sonnet written by ford79:

So how's Kim's DNA affecting Jack?
His hair's now blond. He has a killer rack.

RELATED UPDATE: Meanwhile on the Golden Globe awards: Bazooms!

UPDATE: OK, about the parachute thing on the show before 24: Are you kidding me?

UPDATE: I thought crack was illegal in New York City, along with trans-fats.

UPDATE: This is a lot of corpses during the opening credits. A good sign!

UPDATE: Good to know you can still hot-wire any random car by touching any two random wires together.

UPDATE: Jack was a millisecond away from ripping the head off that stuffed animal.

UPDATE: The president (or whatever he is) of the Middle Eastern nation looks like Sam, of Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs.

UPDATE: Good to know the Wooden Dialogue Generator is still working!

UPDATE: I can take only so much of Jack being mellow.

UPDATE: Wouldn't it be great if the mole turned out to be... Jack's granddaughter?

UPDATE: Is that a gun in your pants?

UPDATE: He's going to reinstate her credential, if you know what I mean, heheheheh.

UPDATE: OK, do we know Victor? I have no memory of Victor. Or, for that matter, last week.

UPDATE: "There's a big hit going down." That's how they really talk! Really! They use hep lingo!

UPDATE: CTU looks like a sports bar, only tackier.

UPDATE: CTU porn!

UPDATE: Why is the blond CTU amazon babe wearing a cocktail dress? Not that I am complaining.

UPDATE: "The Islamic Republic?"

UPDATE: Ethan is taking his Viagra.

UPDATE: "I ain't dead yet." Thanks for the foreshadowing, writers!

UPDATE: So.... rather than just go get Jack and Victor, they have Jack walk Victor through the streets of New York. OK! Nothing can go wrong with that plan!

UPDATE: Helicopter = bomb.

UPDATE: Suddenly, for no reason I can think of, I want to buy a Sprint brand phone.

UPDATE: He shot off the lock! They are pulling out ALL of the stops.

UPDATE: Thanks for playing, Victor!

UPDATE: Why couldn't there, just one time, be a good journalist?

UPDATE: 23 hours to go.

UPDATE: Seriously, that is a cocktail dress.

UPDATE: A half-hour! I guess they can get the interview done in that time.

UPDATE: Chloe has yearned for the moment when she could debrief Jack.

UPDATE: We're supposed to suspect the wife. Therefore, we should suspect the daughter.

UPDATE: Or the little rodent guy with the bad hairstyle.

UPDATE: Rodent guy it is.

UPDATE: Hot babe subplot!

UPDATE: 22.5 hours to go.

UPDATE: CTU: Eight Straight Years, and Counting, of Being Wrong.

UPDATE: Gosh, I wonder what Jack will decide... Will he leave? Or will he... become involved with the plot?

UPDATE:Yes! Jack has joined the team and will do whatever it takes to keep this man alive.

 

UPDATE: Is that a polygraph machine, or a manicure device? 

UPDATE: I sense that this is the slow buildup to the slam-bang episode finale.

UPDATE: A little less than 22.25 hours to go.

UPDATE: Tick.... tick... tick....

UPDATE: THEY TOOK JACK'S SACK! THOSE FOOLS.

UPDATE: Whew for them. They gave it back.

UPDATE: Wow. A thigh shot NOT FIRED BY JACK.

UPDATE: OK, that finale was not much in the way of slam-bang.

UPDATE: Take it, Amazing Steve.

PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN UPDATE

Very early tomorrow morning, the Surging Campaign Juggernaut will finally get the national attention that does not involve sewage lifting stations that it so richly deserves.

JUGGERNAUT UPDATE

THE SURGING CAMPAIGN JUGGERNAUT JUST HAS TO LAUGH

It is way ahead of the pack.

(Thanks to B Kizer and sjhaller)

CAMPAIGN JUGGERNAUT Q&A UPDATE

The site has been moved.¹

¹Frankly, we are not surprised.

CAMPAIGN STRUMPDATE FROM THE S.B.

We interrupt this blog to remind all voters to visit the campaign store for your Dave Barry for President clocks¹ and other fine campaign products. And of course, surging presidential juggernaut bumper stickers are cluttering up the office also available, so place your order before we throw them out any time.

¹As featured in the Official Campaign Video

THE CAMPAIGN JUGGERNAUT

It's really rolling now.

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT SURGING JUGGERNAUT OF DOOM UPDATE

The campaign is definitely gaining momentum, as we can see from this candid unposed photograph taken over the weekend outside the World Famous Rose Bowl, showing two random people and a random dog.

(Thanks to Mike Weasel, Mad Scientist, and Ozzy the random dog)

DATELINE, LOBOMBA

It's good to be king.

(Thanks to Bruce Webster)

THE DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT CAMPAIGN JUGGERNAUT

It's rolling in Arizona.

THE JUGGERNAUT IS ROLLING

I was in downtown Ketchum, Idaho, and I spotted a car with a familiar bumper sticker:

The car's owner, shown below, is Kevin Wade. He will definitely be in my cabinet if I am elected, which appears increasingly likely based on the fact that I did not see a single bumper sticker in Ketchum for any of my opponents.

I don't want to be overconfident, but this race is as good as over.

PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN JUGGERNAUT UPDATE

Ted Habte-Gabr, Field Coordinator of the Dave Barry for President Inevitable Surging Bandwagon of Destiny (my positions on the issues may be found here) has been out coordinating the field like crazy, most recently at the Erotica LA Expo in Los Angeles, where he was able to identify a key voter demographic, namely, women willing to pose with him.

Ted definitely felt a groundswell going on out there.

PRESIDENTIAL JUGGERNAUT UPDATE

If you want to read random answers to strange questions find out where I stand on the issues in the presidential campaign, you can go here and click on "Dave Barry for Prez." Or not!

THE PRESIDENTIAL JUGGERNAUT

It continues to gain momentum.

(Thanks to Kathy Conry)

THE JUGGERNAUT IS ROLLING

(Thanks to Field Coordinator Ted Habte-Gabr)

WE MAY BE A SURGING CAMPAIGN JUGGERNAUT

But there's always time for shopping!

(With sincere gratitude and the promise of some graft 'n stuff to graphic artist and image designer Mike Seidel)

NOTE: Bumper stickers will be printed in about 2 weeks; we'll be offering them on the website, as we did for the last campaign. Buttons will be available as soon as Mikey finished the round design.

THE '08 BANDWAGON IS ROLLING

Here's Field Coordinator Ted Habte-Gabr, at the wheel.

BUMPER-STICKER SLOGAN DECISION

I have painstakingly reviewed all 16 million entries in the bumper-sticker-slogan contest, in consultation with a distinguished panel of experts consisting of Mrs. Blog, judi, and Mr. Gene Weingarten of the Washington Post. After literally weeks of thoughtful consideration, the panel and I have decided to go with the following slogan, which was one of the first ones sent in:

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Yes, of the United States

This slogan was submitted by "Dad-O-Lot," who will receive, as punishment a token of our gratitude, a bottle of this high-quality prank product, if we can figure out a way to send it without violating the Homeland Security Act.

There were many strong runner-up slogans, including:

-- "Or Are You Too Chicken?" from Steve Jens, who also submitted "Basically, He Wants Attention";

-- "The Rest of the World Is Laughing at Us Anyway," by Meanie the Blue, who also submitted "It's Not Like You Care";

-- "My Kid Is an Honor Student," by Chris Knight;

-- "If He Shoots a Lawyer in the Face, It Will Be on Purpose," by Beppie;

-- "Puttin' the 'Mock' Back in 'Democracy'," by JP;

-- "He's Actually a Black Woman," by gfunksizzle;

-- "Because Nothing Isn't Going to Do Itself," by tuxmask3.

...and many, many more excellent ones, including the one that you, personally, submitted, which I liked the best but which was vetoed by judi so blame her.

Anyway, our next step is to have the winning slogan printed on a bumper sticker, which ideally we will have done before election day. After that the campaign will really kick into "high gear" under the direction of the Campaign Field Coordinator, Mr. Ted Habte-Gabr, who will be out in the field doing his horizontal level best to gauge the mood of the voters.

Thanks to all of you who participated in the contest. Now let us join together in making this country a better place for me future generations.   

EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

   Over the past few weeks, every leading politician who is not John Kerry or in a coma has declared that he or she is running for president of the United States. Hillary Clinton alone has declared at least six times, once for each of the states she calls home. The candidacy of Barack "The Beatles" Obama has received nearly as much coverage as...
     Well, I was about to say as much coverage as Anna Nicole Smith, but that would be crazy talk. But he has received as much as Crazy Astronaut Diaper Woman, which is a lot.
     On the Republican side, every male member of Congress who owns two or more dark suits, plus a person named "Mitt," is running or has formed an "exploratory committee" to explore the complex question of whether he has the Leadership and Vision that America needs, or what.
      So there is no shortage of people, or at least carbon-based life forms, running for president. But we, as a nation, must ask ourselves: Are these candidates really the best that America has to offer? By limiting ourselves to professional politicians, are we not running the risk that we will choose, for like the 17th consecutive election, a dipstick?
     When we think about these questions, we have to admit, as a nation, that the answer is yes. (Or possibly no.) Clearly, then, we need to look outside of mainstream politics for a "different kind" of candidate – a person who may lack the traditional qualifications for being president, such as experience, or knowledge, or some clue about what the president actually does, but compensates for these shortcomings in other ways, such as regular flossing.
      I believe that I am such a person. And that is why I have taken the liberty of asking a group of distinguished Americans, including Oprah Winfrey, Albert Einstein, Bono, the Pope and Scarlett Johansson, if they would serve on a committee to explore the question of whether I should run for president. I have not heard back from any of them, which I am taking as a yes.
      And so today, here on the Internet, I am formally declaring that I am running for president. Make no mistake: I am in this thing to win, unless it involves effort. Bold words? Yes, but sometimes boldness is called for. If Columbus had not been bold, he would probably still be alive today.
      My first step, as a candidate, will be the same one taken by every great president from George Washington to Thomas Edison: Creating a bumper sticker. In my last presidential campaign, I used this bumper sticker:

     Incredibly, despite this sticker, I failed to win, because of a combination of factors:
     Factor 1: There was massive voting-machine fraud.
     Factor 2: I was not, technically, on any ballot in any state.
     But I still believe that, with a stronger sticker, I have a chance. I have considered a variety of possible slogans, including this one;

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
"He's Like, Whatever"

     But that sounds too, I don't know, specific. I think we can do better. And by "we," I mean "you." I've decided to hold a contest to get you, the people, to come up with a slogan that truly expresses what I think. Please put your suggestions in the comments section below. I'll pick a winner, and judi my campaign staff will have it made into a bumper sticker. The person who comes up with the winning slogan will receive, as a valuable prize, a bottle of this fine product, which somebody sent to us years ago, and which we have been trying to get rid of saving for a deserving individual.
     So send in your slogans. We need the bumper sticker so we can move on to Phase II of the campaign: collecting money reaching out to the voters. So please help. Your country needs you. More important, I need you. For now.

WHAT I AM THANKFUL FOR

I am thankful that I live in a great nation, a nation where anybody can run for president, including me. And I am thankful that I have a great Field Coordinator, Ted "This Is NOT a Mullet Hairstyle" Habte-Gabr, who even during the holiday season is out there in the field, coordinating the groundswell juggernaut of popular support for my candidacy. and garnering the endorsements of major celebrities such as Eric Idle, who, as we can see in this photo, supports me with 100% total enthusiasm.

LIKE A MOBIUS STRIP

The kitten has two faces.... a story sent in by Wes Kenney and a woman named Cat...originally written by Dan Traylor, designer of the Dave Barry for President seething juggernaut bumper sticker... in a contest on the message board...which was the result of Dave's column... which doesn't actually have two faces, so we're not sure where we're going with this... but it seemed like a good idea at the time...like so many things do.

IMPORTANT CAMPAIGN ENDORSEMENT

In a move certain to rock the political world, the Pirate Guys (Cap'n
Slappy - left in photo - and Ol' Chumbucket) endorsed the heaving juggernaut that is the Dave Barry for President campaign.
"Dave is a close personal friend," said the captain, later admitting he never actually met the man, "so endorsing his presidential ambition was just sort of natural for us. We can't think of anyone who stands more forthrightly for the most important issues of the day - namely a belief in the deliciousness of beer."
Seeking to dispel the rumor that the coveted endorsement of the two had been "bought and paid for," as some of the "weasels" in Washington's press corps have reported, Ol' Chumbucket said, "Absolutely not. No money has changed hands. We haven't even changed our clothes. We support Dave because - well, he's Dave. And if we get an ambassadorship out of this, perhaps to some region vital to American interests, say, the Bahamas or any other warm, sunny place, well, that's totally unrelated to our endorsement."

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, the throbbing surging campaign juggernaut Field Coordinator)