Dave Barry's Blog

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Enhanced Interrogation Time. Be here, or be a rear.

24

Here is where we stand:

At the end of last week Jack finally caught up with Dana and -- while experiencing conflicting emotions including sorrow, remorse, anguish and a deep sense of unease caused by not going to the bathroom in nearly eight years -- shot her fatally at close range several times. (He also shot a NYPD officer in the foot, but he apologized.) Now Jack has the Secret Video That Could Change Everything and is on the run in full Rogue Mode, seeking justice and revenge while being pursued by the Russians, CTU and all branches of American law enforcement including the Coast Guard.

Edgar is still dead. I envy him,  because I'm still on book tour, currently on the West Coast. This means I will once again be unable to join you, although you all seem to do fine down there in the comments section. As always we will rely on The Amazing Steve to give us his analysis afterward. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

Were you surprised when Jack shot Dana?
	No. He's JACK BAUER, for God's sake.
	Yes, because revenge is wrong, plus she was looking hot from the waterboarding.
	I thought he was going to kill her just by glaring hard.
	I hope he also shoots ex-president Handbag.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Execution Time. Be on this blog, or be a remarkably unattractive frog.

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Jack recruited Agent Freddie Prinze Jr. to the Rogue Team. They are now on their way to the safe house containing Agent Dana Walsh, where Jack intends to interview her regarding the role of the Russians in the whacking of Renee. Agent Walsh is currently being waterboarded by henchpersons working for President Woman President, who, at the urging of disgraced ex-President Complete Handbag, has gone over to the Dark Side to save the all-important Peace Procezzzzzzzzzz.

Edgar is still dead.

I will not be joining you tonight, as I'm starting the tour for my new book, which by the way is for sale so please buy it.

TRUE FACT: Several thousand times, I've had the following experience. A person will say to me: "Where can I buy your books?" This always strikes me as an odd question, but I try not to betray this in my facial expression as I answer: "In a bookstore." The person often seems surprised to learn this, as if he or she is thinking: "Huh! So THAT's what goes on in bookstores!"

Anyway, because of the book tour I won't be blogging 24 tonight or next week. So I will be counting on you folks to keep track of things down in the comments section. And of course we will all rely on The Amazing Steve to explain the plot to us afterward.

Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

What do you think will happen to President Woman President?
	She will see the error of her ways and become good again.
	She will remain evil.
	She will actually have sex with ex-President Handbag.
	Ew.
	Remember ex-President Handbag's ex-wife Martha? She was hot in a cougarish way.
	I am still pondering the ketchup-refrigeration question from last week.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Waterboard Time. Be here, or be an unfortunate skier.

STEP ONE: SET UP AN INEFFECTIVE PERIMETER AROUND THE ENTIRE COUNTRY

Labour calls in 24 director to revive election campaign

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

WE HAVE THE SAME REACTION WHEN WE THINK ABOUT ALL THE HOURS WE FLUSHED DOWN THE TOILET

Kiefer Sutherland fought back tears as he wrapped hit show 24 - because leaving the series after nine years was "much more difficult" than he anticipated.

(Thanks to Reggie Robinson)

24

Here is where we stand:

Jack, devastated about Renee getting sniped out of the plot, is trying to work through his feelings of grief and loss by whacking the Russians who whacked her. But President Woman President ordered Jack to be locked down because she needs the Russians for the all-important Peace Procezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sorry!  Anyway, as you would imagine, Jack did not respond well to being locked down. He stole a convenient helicopter and is now on his way toward the UN, thereby forcing Chloe, who is in charge of CTU, to order the Air Force to force him down. We frankly feel sorry for the Air Force.

Edgar is still dead.

Stay tuned in the comments section after the show as the Amazing Steve attempts to unravel the plot, which is no mean feat, as can be seen in this photograph of Steve holding the actual plot.

Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

Is it necessary to refrigerate ketchup?
	No.
	Absolutely not.
	You notice they don't refrigerate ketchup in restaurants. It sits out on the tables for DAYS.
	That way, you're not wrecking your nice hot hamburger by pouring this cold glop onto it.
	Our guess is, the concept of refrigerating ketchup was invented by lawyers.
	The same is true of mustard.
	Mayonnaise is a different story.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: Also, Mr. Bauer, you must return your seat to the upright and locked po sition.

UPDATE: Wait, that was the WHOLE HELICOPTER SEQUENCE? Lame-O-Rama.

UPDATE: Ethan sure recovered quickly from a serious heart attack.

UPDATE: Physical coercion! No!

UPDATE: "Pull out now." Heheheh.

UPDATE: Who is the Vegas-looking guy? We know him from before, right?

UPDATE: "An assortment of assault rifles." Yes, that's definitely how the "pros" order assault rifles.

UPDATE: "We do this right, we take Jack by surprise." Right!

UPDATE: I hate the Peace Agreement. I miss the Lethal Atomic Rods o' Doom.

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: CTU: We're even less competent than you thought.

UPDATE: That Freddie Prinze Jr. sure can emote.

UPDATE: These men have some jowls.

UPDATE: It's a jowl-off.

UPDATE: OK,so at the beginning of this episode, Jack was trying to locate Dana Walsh, and at the end, Jack was still trying to locate Dana Walsh. In other words: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

UPDATE: Next week: Waterboarding! Dana gets loose! Take, it, The Amazing Steve.

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Lockdown Time. Be on this site, or be an amusingly shaped kite.

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Jack and Renee finally had sex, and it was a truly romantic and beautiful thing, except for the sniper. A lesson that we all, as Americans, should take away from this tragic episode is: close the blinds.

So now Renee has gone to that Big Wrap Party in the Sky, and Jack is really ticked off at the Russians. President Woman President is also unhappy with the Russians, because they're trying to sabotage the All Important Peace Procezzzzzz

Sorry! We tend to nod off whenever we think about the A.I.P.P. We wish everybody would just shut up about it so we can get on with the part where Jack works through his grief by shooting or stabbing or barehandedly removing the larynxes of as many Russians as humanly possible.

In other developments, Chloe is now in charge of CTU. We think this is great. We wish Chloe were in charge of the whole federal government and routinely tasered it in the butt.

Edgar is still dead.

Tragically, I will not be able to join you tonight, as I am on the road with the World Famous In Some Circles Rock Bottom Remainders, as we prepare for our big international tour of four U.S. cities. We'll be raising money for good causes, so if you can make it to one of the shows, please do. We promise that there will be great music, by which we mean alcohol.

Speaking of great, The Amazing Steve will be discussing the plot in the comments section following tonight's show. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll.

Are you sad that Renee got sniped?
	Yes, because Renee was hot AND psychotic.
	No, because now Jack is motivated to engage in acts of mass carnage.
	I was hoping that the sniper would be a really bad shot and hit Audrey.
	The Yankees SUCK.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

YES

24's Annie Wersching: Renee's Death Will Make Jack Spiral Out of Control

(Thanks to funnyman, who asks, "How will we tell?")

Update: Apparently it has already started.

(Thanks to Trent and bonmot)

24

Here is where we stand:

We honestly have no idea. Last week the plot collapsed like a lawn chair under a Harley owner. Consider:

-- We no longer have to worry about the dirty bomb made from the Lethal Atomic Rods of Doom, because the terrorists traded it for President Sham.

-- We no longer have to worry about President Sham, because the terrorists sentenced him to Death by Webcast.

-- And we no longer have to worry about Agent Dana Walsh, because CTU finally figured out that she's a mole, possibly because she devoted her entire working day to killing people and making phone calls to terrorists.

-- Finally, we don't have to worry about Edgar, because he is still dead.

So as far as we can tell, the only thing left to worry about is the Peace Process, which is a big deal to President Woman President, but which we frankly do not care about. We prefer the Violence Process, wherein Jack Bauer, having overcome numerous fatal wounds, engages hostiles by shooting them and/or impaling them with screwdrivers.

The question is, which hostiles are next on the agenda? We're thinking it's the Russians, who popped up briefly last week. Also disgraced former President Handbag Logan apparently is going to make an appearance this week, although we have no idea why. Maybe tonight's episode will clear things up. Although we doubt it. Be sure to stick around in the comments afterward for keen observations by The Amazing Steve. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

Where do you think the plot will go next?
	The Russians will be the hostiles.
	I hope they bring back Marwan. He was a GREAT hostile.
	If they bring back the Chinese subplot, I will kill myself.
	Maybe New York will be attacked by that really, really slow missile from several seasons ago.
	WHAT plot?
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: Is there ANYBODY who's not working for the terrorists?

UPDATE: Never trust a bald Russian.

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: "What is it that you wish to talk to me about?" Who writes this stuff?

UPDATE: This here is some Mel O'Drama.

UPDATE: So... President Sham's widow can just decide she's running the country now? Democracy!

UPDATE: CHLOE IS IN CHARGE!! GET OUT THE TASERS, BABY!!!

UPDATE: They are so high over the shark now that they can't even SEE the shark.

UPDATE: Does Hastings know he still has that idiot Bluetooth thing in his ear?

UPDATE: I can't believe Jack was able to execute a kiss without first downloading the schematics.

UPDATE: Jack apparently is not suffering too much from his stab and bullet wounds.

UPDATE: Was that SEX???

UPDATE: OK, can ANYBODY explain why we care so much about the Peace Process? No? I didn't think so.

UPDATE: I think they should go back to the Sex Process.

UPDATE: "...what an honor it has been to serve with each and every one of you. Even the 17 of you who are moles."

UPDATE: Get the jumper cables!

UPDATE: They need a bigger table.

UPDATE: Hey, if you can't trust a lying criminal scumball who won't tell you what he plans to do, who can you trust?

UPDATE: Jack and Renee shot each other several times in intimate places.

UPDATE: I've had NYC cab drivers like that.

UPDATE: Aw.

UPDATE: It seems like only yesterday that Renee was young and vibrant and cutting off that guy's thumb.

UPDATE: Jack vs. Dana. Hot. Take it, The Amazing Steve.

PARENTAL ADVISORY ON TONIGHT'S 24

Jack will engage in a display of affection.

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Handbag Time. Be on this blog, or be a really surprised dog.

24

Here is where we stand:

Despite the ongoing efforts of CTU, the terrorists managed to get the Lethal Atomic Rods of Doom into Manhattan and convert them into a dirty bomb at an all-night nuclear-rod-conversion shop. The terrorists told President Woman President that they would set off the bomb unless she turned over Generic Islamic Republic President Sham, whose hairdo has been gaining altitude with each passing hour and is now the height of Tom Cruise.

When the president refused to accede to the terrorists' demands, Generic Military General Brucker secretly ordered a team of commandos to kidnap President Sham anyway. But Jack and Renee defeated the commandos, who were terrible shots, possibly because they were wearing ski masks.

So now the terrorists have activated the timer, which means that unless Jack stops it, in 15 minutes the dirty bomb will go off in the Upper West Side, seriously depressing the condo market.

In subplot action:

• Agent Dana Walsh is about to be exposed as a mole, which is not surprising inasmuch as she has basically been walking around CTU headquarters with a giant sign that says "I'M THE MOLE, YOU MORONS."
• The Duke University Arrogant Wingtipped Demons square off tonight for the NCAA men's basketball championship against Butler, a plucky underdog team of scrappy youngsters from a university located in Indiana or possibly Iowa.
• Edgar is still dead.

We will attempt to monitor both 24 and the Duke-Butler game tonight, so our analysis may be even less coherent than usual. Stay tuned in the comments afterward to find out what comes out of the brain of The Amazing Steve. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

Do you think the bomb will go off?
	No.
	Yes, but at the last second Jack will swallow it, so it will detonate harmlessly inside him.
	This is not technically relevant, but: anybody not rooting for Butler is heartless scum.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: This here is some tension.

UPDATE: Of course now they can use the dirty-bomb-countdown timer again.

UPDATE: Have you watched "Glee"? Well, you should.

UPDATE: "No one here knows that." There you have CTU in a nutshell.

UPDATE: Wouldn't it be great if just once Jack tried to lighten things up with, I don't know, a fart joke?

UPDATE: Jack is pretty much treating the POTUS as a low-level subordinate. Which of course she is, to Jack.

UPDATE: Bishop is not the brightest bulb on the black-ops tree.

UPDATE: Hastings makes the WORST speeches.

UPDATE: Chloe is not ABOUT to let Dana reroute the servers.

UPDATE: Seriously, how long does it take for CTU and the NYPD to get to a car when they know exactly where it is?

UPDATE: I would not let Agent Walsh anywhere NEAR the trunk line.

UPDATE: Agent Walsh is the Freddy Krueger of CTU.

UPDATE: A LEFT TURN! THOSE SNEAKY TERRORIST BASTARDS!!

UPDATE: Maybe it was a Toyota.

UPDATE: The old President Sham Switcheroo.

UPDATE: A PRIUS! THOSE BASTARDS!!!

UPDATE: How many times per episode does President Woman President say "I don't understand"?

UPDATE: Once again we are reminded: There is no place on earth less secure from terrorism than the Counter Terrorism Unit.

UPDATE: "Me? Why?" BECAUSE YOU'RE THE STAR, JACK.

UPDATE: This only turns Dana on.

UPDATE: If Jack punches Dana, Renee will be SO jealous.

UPDATE: Is that Debbie Harry schlepping President Sham around?

UPDATE: I can't believe they named a fake country "IRK."

UPDATE: A FLU SHOT! THOSE BASTARDS!!!

UPDATE: Butler 4, Wingtipped Demons 6.

UPDATE: Butler 9, WD 10.

BUTLERDATE: Up by 1!

UPDATE: The president also assures people several times per episode that We Are Doing Everything We Can.

UPDATE: OK, for the record: for like the sixth time this season, CTU knows EXACTLY where the terrorists are.

UPDATE: Hoosiers 20, WD 18.

UPDATE:When Jack says get down, you need to get the hell DOWN.

UPDATE: "Call CTU. I want to know what the HELL went wrong." Has this woman never watched this show?

UPDATE: Next week: The old president! Whatshisname!

UPDATE: OK, I am confused. We have the Lethal Atomic Rods of Doom, right? And President Sham is dead, and Agent Dana Walsh has been exposed. So.... what exactly is the plot about now? Maybe the Amazing Steve can clear everything up.

UPDATE: Butler 27, WD 28.

UPDATE: President Handbag. Thank you.

ADVISORY

Tonight at 8 p.m. Eastern NCAA Basketball Conflict Time: a special two-hour show. Be here, or be a steer with a thing in its ear.

24

Here is where we stand:

The terrorists are transporting the Lethal Atomic Rods of Doom into Manhattan aboard an inflatable boat. Jack tried to stop them by engaging in a gunfight, during which more shots were fired than in all of World War II; unfortunately the police never showed up to help because this battle took place in a remote, deserted, desolate and uninhabited part of New York City, namely, Brooklyn. During the fight Jack got shot and now has a collapsed lung, which for a human would be serious but for Jack is the medical equivalent of dandruff.

Meanwhile at CTU headquarters:

-- Chloe, after pulling a gun on a generic 24 moron authority figure, tapped into the trunk line and got CTU back into operation, thus enabling the crack CTU team to resume the vital work of not having a clue what is going on.

-- Agent Dana Walsh strangled probation officer Bill Prady and phoned the terrorists, thus establishing that she is either a mole or even dumber than she previously seemed.

-- Edgar is still dead.

At this point you are asking yourself: Why is this night different from all other nights? The answer is: It's Passover, which means here in the Barry household we are hosting a traditional Jewish-Prebyterian seder, which means I might be joining you late, or (depending on the level of strictly religious wine consumption) not at all. But I'm sure you'll all supply your usual shrewd analysis in the comments section. Be sure to stay tuned after the show for the recap by The Amazing Steve.

Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

Do you think Jack will be hampered by his collapsed lung?
	Don't be an idiot.
	Jack has four more lungs.
	Jack can go for two weeks without oxygen.
	Jack can breathe through his feet.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE:OK! I'm here! Did I miss anything?

NO PERIMETER CAN HOLD IT

The Jack Bauer Terrier

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

A NATION MOURNS

It's official: There will be no 24 next year. This is bad for the economy, as literally thousands of moles will be unemployed.

(Thanks to many people)

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week CTU headquarters was blown up by a bomb hidden in a car driven by Generic Islamic Republic President Sham's daughter Kayla, who was guided straight from the terrorist hideout to the CTU entrance tunnel by the crack CTU team. That's right: The agency responsible for protecting the nation from terrorism, through its own cluelessness, managed to get itself incapacitated by a terrorist bomb.

So now, with CTU even more dysfunctional than usual, there is nobody to stop the terrorists from bringing the Lethal Atomic Rods of Doom into Manhattan except our boy Jack Bauer, who has fully recovered from being stabbed in the stomach by his girlfriend Renee three hours ago and is now, we hope, going to swing into action, by which we mean something more than shouting into the phone.

Speaking of the terrorists: Kayla's boyfriend Tarin is apparently still one of them, since he set Kayla up to be disintegrated, although she managed to get out of the car just in time, so maybe they will still have Feelings for each other.

In subplot action:

Bill Prady, the world's most diligent parole officer, is hanging around asking Dana pesky questions about her ex-boyfriend Kevin. We have no idea where this subplot is going, but it refuses to go away, so we're starting to wonder if maybe Agent Walsh is a mole, seeing as how CTU is required by law to always have one on the payroll.

Edgar is still dead.

Be sure to stay tuned in the comments section after the show for the traditional impossibly quick analysis by The Amazing Steve, who we suspect is using time travel. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

Do you think Dana is a mole?
	No.
	Yes, but you can't see it unless she removes her... Oh, IS a mole. Yes.
	If they use the mole plot twist one more time, I am going to shoot the writers in the head.
	Not that this would cause them to suffer any serious damage.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: The terrorists set off a Dramatically Sparking Wires Bomb.

UPDATE: "Agent Skaggs?"

UPDATE: Phil can shut down all bridge and tunnel traffic into the city. Phil has that power.

UPDATE: Those terrorists are some BAD shots.

UPDATE: I love when they tell where the bad guys are using the o'clock system.

UPDATE: That guy is SO clearly fake that only a moron, or Hastings, would believe him.

UPDATE: Unless I am wrong.

UPDATE: This here is some really bad acting.

UPDATE: Check out Jack's tasteful bachelor apartment!

UPDATE: YES! CHLOE!

UPDATE: The lesson: Never get between a woman and her trunk line.

UPDATE: Meanwhile, Jack and the terrorists are setting a world record for Most Missed Shots.

UPDATE: It's a good thing everybody thought to bring along 67 million bullets.

UPDATE: Chloe has taken precautions.

UPDATE: Hastings does not appear surprised that a probation officer from Arkansas would appear at CTU headquarters at 5 a.m. during a terrorist attack.

UPDATE: Jack is hit! But it's only a bullet wound. He will be fine. This is the shootingest episode EVER. But it does lead one to ask how come Renee could find Jack in, what, 11 minutes, while CTU had to wait for Chloe to get into the trunk line.

UPDATE: Agent Walsh is definitely not following normal agent procedures.

UPDATE: Well knock us down with a feather. Agent Walsh IS a mole.

UPDATE: Next week: Jack is fine! And of course more shooting. Take it, The Amazing Steve.

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week, while Marcos was trying to activate the World's Safest Suicide Vest, Jack persuaded him to talk by threatening to turn his mom into a human Hot Pocket. Shortly before being concerted to small terrorist particles Marcos revealed that President Sham's daughter Kayla's boyfriend Tarin is in on the plot to bring the Lethal Atomic Rods of Doom into Manhattan. CTU knows what hotel Tarin and Kayla are in and has ordered a perimeter to be set up around it, so we can safely assume that Tarin will escape.

Meanwhile:

The Kevin subplot, which we thought was dead and buried in the swamp, has reappeared in the form of Kevin's parole agent, who called Agent Dana Walsh and said he wants to talk to her, which she agreed to do because otherwise she would have to go back to her actual job of countering terrorism, which she has spent perhaps three minutes on since the season began.

Edgar is still dead.

Stay tuned in the comments after the show to watch The Amazing Steve somehow make sense of what happened. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

What would happen if CTU set up a perimeter around the Washington Monument?
	The monument would be gone in 45 seconds.
	But then Chloe would locate it by typing really fast.
	But then CTU would lose it again because it would follow a decoy monument.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE:A Twist That Will Change Everything!

UPDATE: They're talking about getting to a hotel in midtown Manhattan as if it's Madagascar.

UPDATE: A really shrewd woman would sit on the toilet at this point, and Tarin would be HELPLESS.

UPDATE: They should have some kind of ceremony to observe the 5,000th failed "24" perimeter.

UPDATE: Jack needs a Kidnap and an Electronic Intercept Package. As do we all, from time to time.

UPDATE: Wait... now we need FOUR Gs? I don't even know what "G" is, and now I need FOUR.

UPDATE: I think agent Walsh should just shoot this guy in the head and end this subplot NOW.

UPDATE: Agent Walsh is thinking: Oh what a tangled web we weave, etc. Assuming she is capable of thought.

UPDATE: Why the blindfold? Seriously. Why?

UPDATE: This is a total violation of the Consumer Product Safety Code for plastic bags.

UPDATE: Hastings, with one second of examination, is able to identify the contents of File 33.

UPDATE: I personally cannot wait for the Twist That Will Change Everything!

UPDATE: This is the World's Most Diligent Probation Officer.

UPDATE: "I need you to keep your head in this." Heheheheh.

UPDATE: You go, Kayla.

UPDATE: Not to be nitpicky, but this episode has so far involved very little of Jack doing anything except talk excitedly into the phone.

UPDATE: Chloe immediately found the abandoned bank vault. Of course.

UPDATE: "Dammit we're blind." The Plot Twist! They took out CTU! Which actually doesn't seem like such a bad thing.

Take it, The Amazing Steve.

ADVISORY

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Daylight Nighttime Time. Be here, or be a person wearing a Santa outfit who has perhaps consumed too much beer.

TRY TO IMAGINE...

...a world without perimeters.

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here)

24

Here is where we stand:

I missed last week, but from what I gather President Sham's evil brother Farhad was killed at least twice and is now completely dead, as far as we know. He was killed the second time by a terrorist named Marcos, who has locked himself into a room at a hospital, where he intends to detonate his vest bomb before Jack can use his reasoning skills to persuade him to reveal the location of the Lethal Atomic Rods of Doom.

Meanwhile in subplot action:

-- Crack CTU anti-terrorism agents Dana Walsh and Freddie Prinze Jr. were unavailable for countering terrorism last week because they were busy sinking the bodies of Kevin and Nick in one of New York City's many vast trackless swamps. It is not clear whether the two agents will remain An Item. It is clear that this subplot is challenging Audrey for the title of Worst Subplot Ever.

-- President Sham's daughter Kayla is doing It with Tarin.

-- Edgar is still dead.

I intend to watch tonight, but because of being up late last night and traveling back to Miami today and generally not sleeping I have essentially the same level of brain function as a turnip. So my comments, if any, will be even more random than usual. But as always we'll all be relying on The Amazing Steve to explain the plot in the comments after the show.

Meanwhile, here's a poll:

Should agents Prinze and Walsh get back together?
	No.
	Yes, but not on this show.
	Yes, but only if it involves Agent Walsh taking a shower.
	I don't care. What I want to know is: Why is Chloe dressed as a cocktail waitress?
	Speaking of which: Remember when Chloe tasered the guy in the bar? That was the BEST.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: Don't you HATE it when you want to talk to somebody about your relationship, and they're all, "Not NOW! We're in the middle of a radiological threat!"?

UPDATE: Hastings is one to talk about salvaging careers.

UPDATE: Wait... don't the rods kill you when you get exposed to them? I am SO confused.

UPDATE: "Son, if you don't let us treat that bloody nose, you could bleed to death before you get a chance to blow yourself to pieces."

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: You'd think suicide vests would be designed to make it less difficult to, you know, commit suicide.

UPDATE: THE KEVIN SUBPLOT WILL NEVER DIE.

UPDATE: Do we think they're going to milk the vest for an entire episode? Do we think "milk the vest" sounds obscene?

UPDATE: Whoa. Jack. Playing the Mom Card.

UPDATE: Jack knows the circuit pattern!

UPDATE: OK, he didn't know it all that well.

UPDATE: WHEN will they stop setting up perimeters? WHEN???

UPDATE: OK, this episode was about a 9.9 on the Lame-O-Meter.

NEXT WEEK: Incredibly, the perimeter apparently did not work.

Take it, The Amazing Steve.

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Generic Islamic Republic President Sham's treacherous brother Farhad delivered the Lethal Atomic Rods of Doom (LARDs) to a guy named Ali, who told Farhad that he plans to turn them into a dirty bomb. Farhad pretended to be all for this but then fled into the dense jungle wilderness of Queens, where – displaying a complete disregard for his own safety -- he called CTU to come rescue him.

Meanwhile a Justice Department lawyer named Miss Smith, acting on the orders of mandatory White House scumweasel character Rob Weiss, tried to get Renee to take the fall for CTU's continuing inability to successfully execute any operation more complex than adjusting the thermostat. This displeased Jack, who tried to free Renee by calmly reasoning with Miss Smith while pinning her to the wall by her neck. But then Jack got tasered and, for the 2,038th time, taken into CTU custody. He got himself and Renee released by agreeing to head the effort to locate Farhad and the LARDs, which would be a good name for a rock band.

In subplot action:

Highly qualified but increasingly annoying Agent Dana Walsh went to another remote forest location in New York to shoot her ex-boyfriend Kevin in his trailer, but was prevented from doing so by Agent Freddie Prinze Jr., who intended to take her away but wound up shooting Kevin's sidekick Nick to death after Nick stabbed Kevin in the stomach (not fatally, unfortunately) which caused Dana to indicate that she still Has Feelings for Nick by cradling him in her arms, no doubt causing Agent Prinze to consider shooting her, which at this point would probably not overly distress the viewing audience.

Neither President Woman President nor President Sham showed up in last week's episode. We don't know what they're doing, and we don't want to know

Edgar is still dead.

Be advised that I'm meeting Mrs. Blog's flight tonight and will not be joining you. But you have each other, down there in the comments section, and of course The Amazing Steve will be on hand at the conclusion to weave his special magic.

Meanwhile, here's a poll:

What the heck ARE President Woman President and President Sham doing?
	Firing their agents.
	She's showing him the secret underwater frogperson entrance to the White House.
	It.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Jack, after being tortured via jumper cables and the Thumb of Pain, singlehandedly killed approximately six dozen Russian mobsters and captured Bazhaev, the Russian mobster-in-chief, who chased Jack around a smallish dining room firing approximately two million rounds, all of which fortunately missed. Jack finally took him down using Table Fu.

Bazhaev revealed the location of the truck containing the Nuclear Death Rods of Lethal Atomic Doom, but when CTU agent Freddie Prinze Jr. got to the truck, it contained, in a shocking plot twist…

…Jimmy Hoffa.

No, seriously, it contained two more deceased Russian mobsters, who were whacked by Bazhaev's son Josef, who has stolen the Atomic Doom rods. He is angry because (a) Bazhaev shot his brother, Oleg, and (b) he is the only Russian mobster without an accent. His plan is to sell the rods to Generic Islamic Republic President Sham's evil brother, Farhad, who is angry because his name is "Farhad."

Meanwhile in subplot action:

CTU chief Hastings has ordered a full psychiatric evaluation of Renee.

Highly qualified Agent Dana Walsh has apparently decided to whack her pesky ex-boyfriend Kevin.

Edgar is still dead.

Stay tuned in the comments section afterward for an informative wrapup by The Amazing Steve.

Meanwhile, here is a poll:

Given that the nuclear rods are in large radioactive crates that must be transported by truck, and are in the same city as CTU, will CTU find them?
	Yes.
	Only if the truck crashes into CTU headquarters bearing a sign that says "NUCLEAR RODS."
	And even then they might not notice, what with the various subplots.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: Hey, he punched House.

UPDATE: So.... couldn't they maybe alert the actual NYC police? Who would be in Queens already? Nah.

UPDATE: You did nothing wrong, Renee, stabbing that guy 387 times and then stabbing me in the stomach.

UPDATE: OK, I know I have asked this before, but why do they keep calling their phones "PDAs," as though they're carrying 1997 Palm Pilots? Is it some sponsor thing? Congress needs to look into this.

UPDATE: Maybe Renee will stab Miss Smith.

UPDATE: "The Americans are not stupid, Farhad." Clearly he has never watched this show.

UPDATE: I think Farhad is toast.

UPDATE: They're gonna put the rods into a Toyota.

UPDATE: Jack spends roughly half of his life getting into and out of CTU custody.

UPDATE: Farhad is a wiry li'l rascal.

UPDATE: "Give us the room."

UPDATE: "I thought YOU had the rods." That, in a nutshell, is CTU.

UPDATE: How many employees does CTU have this season? Eight?

UPDATE: The van is rockin'!

UPDATE: Are they in some kind of jungle? In Queens?

UPDATE: "I want you in. With both feet." Kinky.

UPDATE: OK, Freddie Prinze Jr., just now noticed that she was holding a gun?

UPDATE: Are we supposed to feel bad about Kevin?

UPDATE: Take it, The Amazing Steve.

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Russian Mobster Time. Be on this blog, or be a mouse-bearing frog.

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Renee, who is working through some issues, used a handy knife to express her displeasure with Vladimir. Renee got a little carried away and also stabbed Jack in the stomach, but she didn't mean it personally, and of course Jack is not the kind of man to be slowed down by a mere stab wound or fatal bioweapon illness or decapitation. He recovered in time to fling the knife into the throat of one Russian mobster and shoot the others, thus leaving the show temporarily Russian-mobsterless. Fortunately it turns out that 35 percent of the greater New York City population consists of Russian mobsters, so a new batch showed up almost immediately and took Jack, who is still posing as a buyer for the Deadly Nuclear Rods of Lethal Atomic Doom, which are currently in a nondescript truck on the side of a highway. The CTU was supposed to track Jack, but of course the CTU has proven over the years that it could not track an elephant through a sandbox, so it has no earthly idea where Jack is.

Meanwhile in subplot action:

Highly qualified agent Dana Walsh's moron ex-boyfriend Kevin and his moron sidekick Nick managed to – Surprise! – screw up their heist, and now agent Walsh is in serious trouble, which may require her to (we're just tossing this idea out in case the show writers are reading this) take a shower or something.

President Woman President and Generic Islamic Republic President Sham continue to emit lines of dialogue.

Edgar is still dead.

Stay tuned in the comments after tonight's episode, when The Amazing Steve will make everything clear. Meanwhile, here's a poll:

How many CTU employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
	It takes 116: One to hold the bulb, and 115 to form a perimeter.
	But the bulb would manage to escape anyway.
	But then Jack would find it and cause it to light just by shouting "DAMMIT" at it.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: They trashed Jack's cellphone? Those BASTARDS.

UPDATE: Why was the Russian mobster chief cutting carrots?

UPDATE: I bet they're violating the warranty on that thing.

UPDATE: This is SOLID wood dialogue.

UPDATE: Ooooh. Agent Walsh knows what she needs to do. If you catch her drift.

UPDATE: The old thumb-in-the-wound.

UPDATE: He had better be using Purell.

UPDATE: The old use-your-feet-to-electrocute-his-heart.

UPDATE: President Sham uses a very powerful hair product.

UPDATE: Jack got another phone! NOW they're in trouble.

UPDATE: In short order there will be no Russians left on the entire East Coast.

UPDATE: Sigh. Yet another perimeter.

UPDATE: Somebody is going to have to pay for that glassware.

UPDATE: "She had to manually reboot the firmware." Heheheheh.

UPDATE: Every season I think they can't possibly come up with a more-clueless jackass to run CTU than the previous one, and every season they prove me wrong.

UPDATE: I think Jack needs to haul out the jumper cables.

UPDATE: The Daughter Sham subplot zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: A big CTU operation coming up... nothing can go wrong!

UPDATE: I'm thinking the rods are now in the possession of Anthony Soprano.

UPDATE: Oooh! Plot twist!

UPDATE:  Next week: Renee gets framed; Dana goes Kevin-hunting.

UPDATE: Take it, The Amazing Steve.

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Wooden Dialogue Time.

Be here, or be an extremely large brassiere.

WAIT A MINUTE... ISN'T THIS THE GUY WHO JUST SHRUGGED OFF A STAB WOUND TO THE STOMACH?

Kiefer has been taken out of action by a cyst.

(Thanks to many people)

GET READY

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Vaguely Related Item: We can't wait for the movie version of this.

(Thanks to Joe Hicks)

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Renee "went dark" (if you catch our meaning) (our meaning is "had sex") with the Russian mobster Vladimir in an effort to get him to arrange the sale of the Deadly Nuclear Rods of Death to Jack, who is posing as a non-credible German. Vladimir tried to have his henchpersons whack Jack, but of course that didn't work, so Vladimir has agreed to meet with Jack in what we are sure will be an amicable get-together.

Meanwhile in subplot action:

-- Bazhaev the kingpin Russian mobster, a believer in the tough-love school of parenting, shot his son Oleg, thus ending that particular subplot.
-- Highly qualified agent Dana Walsh met with her pondscum ex-boyfriend Kevin and gave him a keycard so he can go steal impounded drug money and then leave her alone forever, which of course will not happen, as Kevin is the persistent yeast infection of ex-boyfriends.
-- President Woman President and Generic Islamic Republic President Sham continue to blather ponderously about whatever in dramatically lit rooms.

Edgar is still dead.

Stay tuned in the comments after for the always helpful wrapup by the always Amazing Steve.

Meanwhile, here's a poll:

Do we think Renee will survive this season?
	Yes.
	No.
	I'm not sure she'll make it to the first commercial break.
	This is off-topic, but: I have never once heard the Geico gecko say anything remotely clever.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE:  Which is creepier: The Wolfman, or the E*Trade baby?

UPDATE: "Jack seems to be in control." Har.

UPDATE: The more psychotic Renee gets, the more men want her.

UPDATE: Somehow I think Kevin will find a way to screw this up.

UPDATE: 4660! That's MY code!

UPDATE: Section 3101! That's MY section!

UPDATE: Math is not Kevin's strong suit.

UPDATE: Jack so so going to kill this man.

UPDATE: Wait... he shot Oleg like 20 minutes ago, and already they're burying him?

UPDATE: The Semi of Doom.

UPDATE: Does Eric Clapton really need the money?

UPDATE: I mean, he's Eric Freaking Clapton.

UPDATE: Advertising a cellphone.

UPDATE: President Sham is a badass.

UPDATE: This is why you so rarely see Nobel Prize winners who live in trailers.

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: Where is Jack? Where is Chloe? Marwan?

UPDATE: Are these people not on U.S. soil? They can't detain anybody, right?

UPDATE: Renee IS Anthony Perkins.

UPDATE: Jack threw that knife BACKHANDED.

UPDATE: Just a stab wound to Jack's abdomen. The equivalent of a zit for a human.

UPDATE: I think Jack and Renee really could be a happy couple, except that he could never sleep safely when she was around.

UPDATE: The Rod People are coming!

UPDATE: That's a nasty fake shirt stain.

UPDATE: This show would not be able to exist without secret underground tunnels.

UPDATE: The thing about the Charles Barkley Taco Bell ad is, it raises the issue that if you eat at Taco Bell, you could look like Charles Barkley.

UPDATE: Next week: Jack gets jump-started. Take it, Amazing Steve.

24

Here is where we stand:

Renee, with the help of the cooperative Ziya, has convinced the Russian mob that she has a buyer for the lethal nuclear uranium rods of death. The buyer is of course Jack, wearing a disguise.

The Russian mobster son who got careless with the rods, Oleg, was taken by his brother to get medical care from a doctor, who will no doubt be rewarded for his cooperation.

In other subplot action, highly qualified CTU agent Dana Walsh is being blackmailed by her ex-boyfriend Kevin.  Meanwhile President Woman President, Generic Islamic Republic President Sham, and the officers of CTU are all like blah blah blah international crisis blah blah blah extremely urgent blah blah blah.

Edgar is still dead.

Advisory: My wife, who has bizarre priorities and thus values human interaction above watching 24, scheduled a dinner engagement for us this evening. I made her promise that we'll be home by 9, but sometimes her scheduling is a little off, so I may be a few minutes late. Feel free to start without me. And of course be sure to stay tuned in the comments after the show for the amazing recap by The Amazing Steve.

Meanwhile, here's a poll:

What do you think will happen in the subplot involving Agent Walsh and her despicable boyfriend Kevin?
	He will kill her.
	She will kill him, ideally by using a uranium rod as a suppository.
	Chloe will kill them both.
	I don't care, as long as they keep showing Agent Walsh.
	Like maybe she could go swimming, if you catch our drift.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: OK, I am here. But I will be honest: They were selling beer at the restaurant.

UPDATE: I'm gathering I didn't miss much.

UPDATE: Are there any commercials that are NOT for Geico?

UPDATE: Why do the Republic of the Generic Republic of Islam Republic people speak English when they are just generically hanging out with each other?

UPDATE:  He in fact DID stare at Chloe's ass as she walked away.

UPDATE: Kevin's van was provided by Central Redneck Van Casting.

UPDATE: Renee wears her communications device in the shower!

UPDATE: Renee is going dark, if you catch our drift.

UPDATE: The Russians also prefer to speak English, except for "Da." ("Yo.")

UPDATE: I barely recognized Jack in the glasses.

UPDATE: I'm thinking I could have had several more beers.

UPDATE: It is not clear whether Renee and Vladimir did It or not. But if they did, It was rapid.

UPDATE: The Russians need to agree on an accent.

UPDATE: He's dead, Jim.

UPDATE: "I am pulling you out." Heheheheheh.

UPDATE: Take it, The Amazing Steve.

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Digit Removal Time. Be here, or be a Mousketeer.

SOMEBODY'S THIGH IS GONNA BE HAMBURGER

(Thanks to Bryan and sjhaller)

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Jack and Chloe and Special Agent Freddie Prinze Jr. thwarted the plot to kill Generic Islamic Republic President Sham, whose brother was planning to buy deadly nuclear rods from the Russians, who have brought the rods to New York City, a flagrant violation of city health ordinances. So now the Russians are looking for a new buyer. Fortunately, ex-FBI-agent and hot person love interest from last season Renee just happened to be in New York City, and -- in another extremely believable coincidence -- she used to work undercover with the Russians.

At the end of the previous episode, Renee removed a parole bracelet from a lower-level Russian mobster by putting his hand in a vice and using a circular saw to cut off his thumb, an action that totally shocked Jack inasmuch as Renee -- in flagrant violation of CTU regulations -- was not wearing safety goggles. So now Jack realizes that, in addition to being hot, Renee is a psychotic homicidal lunatic. He has never wanted her more.

In subplot action, highly qualified CTU agent Diana Walsh is probably going to go kill her slimebag ex-boyfriend. Or maybe she's going to get her laundry. We don't really care, as long as she continues to get screen time.

Edgar is still dead.

Be sure to stay tuned in comments after the show for the authoritative recap from The Amazing Steve.

Meanwhile, here's a poll:

What do you think of the new Renee?
	She is insane.
	But in a good way.
	We should send her to Washington.
	If she and Jack end up in bed together, there will be no survivors.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: Nothing has happened yet.

UPDATE: Why don't the makers of V-8 just throw in the towel and start putting alcohol in it?

UPDATE: What still bothers me about last week is, when Renee was cutting off the guy's thumb, why didn't he use his other hand to, I don't know, try to stop her?

UPDATE: They could at least get the radiation brother a Netflix account.

UPDATE: Renee seems surprised that the guy is bleeding from where SHE CUT OFF HIS THUMB.

UPDATE: WHO ARE YOU CALLING UNSTABLE?????????????

UPDATE: What a baby! He loses one lousy thumb and he's all "Waahhh, I lost my thumb."

UPDATE: I wonder if they smuggled the rods into the country in their underpants. No, wait! I bet they put them in clear, one-quart, resealable plastic bags! Those fiends.

UPDATE: The severed-thumb guy's mood sure perked up fast.

UPDATE: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

UPDATE: Seriously, this is the fastest thumb-severing recovery ever.

UPDATE: Hey! Russians say "I'm just saying."

UPDATE: OK, a half-hour gone, and nothing has happened.

UPDATE: I want a thing in my ear that tells me what to say.

UPDATE: Renee is in the Trunk of Radio Silence.

UPDATE: Still no actual action.

UPDATE: Have I mentioned that I totally do not see the appeal of the Geico gecko?

UPDATE; Now THIS is how you get health care.

UPDATE: A CTU operation! Nothing can go wrong!

UPDATE: Jack of course knows exactly where Newton Creek is in New York City.

UPDATE: I am totally strunned and shocked and surprised that Vladimir did not kill Renee, a featured character.

UPDATE: In other words, nothing happened this week.

UPDATE: Next week: Round glasses! Renee in a towel! Take it, The Amazing Steve.

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Power Tool Time.

Be here. We wouldn't want anybody should lose a digit. 

BELATED ANALYSIS OF LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE OF 24, WHICH I JUST WATCHED

Regarding the ending: Whoa.

24

Here is where we stand:

Jack had planned to move to Los Angeles with Kim and her family to lead a quiet life, but just as he was about to leave New York and cause the entire season to end in the first 30 minutes, Jack got sucked into a plot to kill the head of the Generic Islamic Republic, President Sham, who has been negotiating a nuclear treaty with President Woman President and also bonking a professional journalist who has been set up as the fall person for the plot by the real plotters. Jack and Chloe tried to explain this to CTU Director Brian Hastings, who does not believe them because, in keeping with established CTU-director tradition, he has the anti-terrorism instincts of lasagna. So now Jack and Chloe are Going It Alone against a terrorist group that will stop at nothing, including using duct tape on innocent civilians.

Also there is a personal subplot involving highly qualified CTU agent Dana Walsh, and although we have no idea what this subplot is, we strongly urge the writers to continue developing it, even if it requires eliminating the scenes involving terrorism.

Edgar is still dead.

I cannot join you tronight; as you read these words, I am on an airplane bound for a secret desert location to engage in professional work activities. But as always you are welcome to post your thoughtful analysis in the comments, where we also hope to see the traditional post-episode recaps by The Amazing Steve, who was even more amazing than usual last night, which makes us frankly wonder how the heck he does it.

24 SEASON PREMIERE

Here is where we stand:

Last season, there were many developments in what we like to call the "plot." The main one was of course that the White House was taken over by terrorist frogpersons. That was definitely the highlight of the season, and possibly of all human history.

Other than that, we honestly don't recall much of what happened last season, except that at the very end Jack Bauer was continuing to die, as he had been for months, from exposure to the Deadly Death Canister of Lethal Doom. Fortunately, in the off-season he was cured, thanks to a risky experimental medical procedure that involved being pressed from both sides by live human bosoms.

Jack is now living in New York City, so we can safely assume that there will be a terrorist attack there. If the authorities had any sense, they would immediately evacuate any metropolitan area within a 50-mile radius of Jack. (Of course if the authorities had any sense, they would not be on 24.) Meanwhile Chloe is back working for the CTU, which is now headquartered – Here's a coincidence! – in New York City. The president is still President Woman President. Edgar is still dead.

We'll attempt with little success to analyze the action here; stay tuned in the comments at the end when The Amazing Steve will briefly remove the syringe from his arm and explain what happened.

ADVISORY: Be advised that tomorrow night at (we think) 8 Eastern Perimeter Thigh Stabbing Time there will be another two-hour episode. Be further advised that we personally will be on an airplane at that time, so we will be unable to blog it. In fact, under current TSA anti-terrorist regulations, we will be unable to even think about blogging it. Or, pee. Or, think about peeing. So tomorrow night you will be on your own. (To answer a question in the comments: There will be a post here tomorrow night where you can post your analyses.)

UPDATE: This is not directly related to the season premiere of 24, but: It appears as though Hulk Hogan is going to get his prized toilet seat back.

UPDATE:The show that's on before 24 looks a lot like 24.

UPDATE: Here is the best comment so far, especially considering that the show has not started. From Jeff Tompkins: "I have established a perimeter made up of various types of Lance™ crackers. Ready."

Also this, from a sonnet written by ford79:

So how's Kim's DNA affecting Jack?
His hair's now blond. He has a killer rack.

RELATED UPDATE: Meanwhile on the Golden Globe awards: Bazooms!

UPDATE: OK, about the parachute thing on the show before 24: Are you kidding me?

UPDATE: I thought crack was illegal in New York City, along with trans-fats.

UPDATE: This is a lot of corpses during the opening credits. A good sign!

UPDATE: Good to know you can still hot-wire any random car by touching any two random wires together.

UPDATE: Jack was a millisecond away from ripping the head off that stuffed animal.

UPDATE: The president (or whatever he is) of the Middle Eastern nation looks like Sam, of Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs.

UPDATE: Good to know the Wooden Dialogue Generator is still working!

UPDATE: I can take only so much of Jack being mellow.

UPDATE: Wouldn't it be great if the mole turned out to be... Jack's granddaughter?

UPDATE: Is that a gun in your pants?

UPDATE: He's going to reinstate her credential, if you know what I mean, heheheheh.

UPDATE: OK, do we know Victor? I have no memory of Victor. Or, for that matter, last week.

UPDATE: "There's a big hit going down." That's how they really talk! Really! They use hep lingo!

UPDATE: CTU looks like a sports bar, only tackier.

UPDATE: CTU porn!

UPDATE: Why is the blond CTU amazon babe wearing a cocktail dress? Not that I am complaining.

UPDATE: "The Islamic Republic?"

UPDATE: Ethan is taking his Viagra.

UPDATE: "I ain't dead yet." Thanks for the foreshadowing, writers!

UPDATE: So.... rather than just go get Jack and Victor, they have Jack walk Victor through the streets of New York. OK! Nothing can go wrong with that plan!

UPDATE: Helicopter = bomb.

UPDATE: Suddenly, for no reason I can think of, I want to buy a Sprint brand phone.

UPDATE: He shot off the lock! They are pulling out ALL of the stops.

UPDATE: Thanks for playing, Victor!

UPDATE: Why couldn't there, just one time, be a good journalist?

UPDATE: 23 hours to go.

UPDATE: Seriously, that is a cocktail dress.

UPDATE: A half-hour! I guess they can get the interview done in that time.

UPDATE: Chloe has yearned for the moment when she could debrief Jack.

UPDATE: We're supposed to suspect the wife. Therefore, we should suspect the daughter.

UPDATE: Or the little rodent guy with the bad hairstyle.

UPDATE: Rodent guy it is.

UPDATE: Hot babe subplot!

UPDATE: 22.5 hours to go.

UPDATE: CTU: Eight Straight Years, and Counting, of Being Wrong.

UPDATE: Gosh, I wonder what Jack will decide... Will he leave? Or will he... become involved with the plot?

UPDATE:Yes! Jack has joined the team and will do whatever it takes to keep this man alive.

 

UPDATE: Is that a polygraph machine, or a manicure device? 

UPDATE: I sense that this is the slow buildup to the slam-bang episode finale.

UPDATE: A little less than 22.25 hours to go.

UPDATE: Tick.... tick... tick....

UPDATE: THEY TOOK JACK'S SACK! THOSE FOOLS.

UPDATE: Whew for them. They gave it back.

UPDATE: Wow. A thigh shot NOT FIRED BY JACK.

UPDATE: OK, that finale was not much in the way of slam-bang.

UPDATE: Take it, Amazing Steve.

GET READY

It is on for Sunday night: Jack Bauer in the Big Apple, where he apparently has found work as a designer of ladies' evening wear, not that there is anything wrong with that.

(Thanks to Siouxie for the link)

Yes, this blog will be drinking beer and ranting closely monitoring the show Sunday night. According to our sources, the plot will be pretty much the same as it always is up to the high standards established in previous seasons.

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

(Sent in by many people)

SHOOT A HOLE IN THE THIGH OF YOUR CALENDAR FOR JAN. 17

Jack is back.

(Thanks to Andy the TropicHunt.com Guy, who notes, ominously, that this trailer features both Kim and hip-hop)

HO HO HOOOOOOOOOO

Jack Bauer interrogates Santa

(Thanks to Ray, Rod Kirby, Matt Filar, Allen at Division and of course The Amazing Steve)

A DAY OF NATIONAL CELEBRATION

She's not coming back.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

WE CAN QUIT ANY TIME WE WANT

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

IT'S HARD TO COOPERATE WITH A BULLET IN YOUR THIGH

NEW YORK – Kiefer Sutherland's legal troubles for allegedly head-butting a fashion designer in a New York City nightclub are over.

The Manhattan district attorney's spokeswoman said Tuesday that misdemeanor assault charges against the actor are being dropped because the alleged victim wouldn't cooperate with prosecutors.

(Thanks to RussellMc and Jeff Meyerson. And nursecindy.)

WE GIVE HIM EIGHT MINUTES TOPS

Freddie Prinze Jr. joins '24'

(Thanks to Martini Shark)

24

Here is where we stand:

Jack is still dying, as he has been since approximately 1986. Last week he caught Tony, but two members of the evil cabal found Kim at the airport when her flight was delayed; they told Jack they will kill her if he doesn't let Tony go. Olivia -- played by actress Sprague Grayden, whose name can be rearranged to spell "Gay Dung Reapers" -- might get in trouble for hiring an assassin to kill Jon Voight, but frankly nobody cares about that subplot.

What we want to know is how the season will end. Will Jack die? Probably not, unless they intend to base the entire next season around his funeral. Will Tony die? Possibly, but he has died before, and he made a complete recovery. Will Kim die, either from getting whacked by the cabal or from starving to death waiting for a flight-status announcement? Will there be a mole in President Woman President's administration? Will Chloe exhibit a new facial expression?

All we can say with any certainty at this point is that Edgar will remain dead.

Be sure to stick around in the comments afterward for the wrapup by The Amazing Steve, who has been especially amazing this season. Meantime, here is your final scientific poll:

Kiefer Sutherland recently stated that the next season of "24" will be more realistic. What do you think he meant?
	The writers will smoke less crack.
	Jack will go to the bathroom.
	Jack's cell phone will lack supercomputer capabilities, and the battery will run low.
	The White House will have interior lighting.
	People traveling from Point A to Point B will obey the laws of physics.
	Nobody will come back from the dead.
	Sometimes an actor will read a line, then burst out laughing.
	When the bad guys shoot 37,000 bullets, one of them will hit something.
	Chloe will spend an entire episode waiting impatiently while Vista installs important updates.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: Check out the summary of the season in haiku in the comments by Ford 79, an alumnus of this blog's college, Haverford (Motto: "Real World? WHAT Real World?").

UPDATE: So Hodges died, what, less than two hours ago, and they already, at this hour, have a full legal investigation under way? With lawyers? OK! Sure!

UPDATE: Why does the president always speak as if she is addressing Labador retrievers?

UPDATE: Yeah, a door would definitely scratch your neck like that.

UPDATE: YES!!! It has been SO long since Jack shot anybody in the leg.

UPDATE: So Jack actually COULD die, and next season could consist of the evil cabal releasing his pathogen-ridden organs into major cities, possibly disguised as, I don't know, McNuggets.

UPDATE: Pepsi Throwback? PEPSI THROWBACK??

UPDATE: I'm sorry, but I don't care about the Olivia subplot.

UPDATE: So the entire legal investigation took, what, 16 minutes?

UPDATE: Right, don't send the police to the airport or anything.

UPDATE: Seriously: Pepsi Throwback?

UPDATE: The other passengers are like, "Great, now we'll REALLY be delayed."

UPDATE: For the first time EVER, a cell-phone battery dies on 24!

UPDATE: I, for one, do not want to see Ethan strip-searched.

UPDATE: If they try to check his prostate, they are DEAD.

UPDATE: If you want my opinion -- and I know you do -- Jack has spent WAY too much time this season incapacitated.

UPDATE: So all of this is just so Tony can get to the top guy? Tony's actually GOOD??

UPDATE: "It was chaos!" Yep. That is exactly what shooting victims say.

UPDATE: "Hang on! Help is on the way!" Seriously.

UPDATE: Kim! Slinging the lingo!

UPDATE: "His field experience fills a knowledge gap in regards to our logistics and planning." How did she say that without losing some teeth?

UPDATE: YESSSSSSSSSSS

UPDATE: Even if they had removed all of Jack's vital organs, he would have kicked their asses.

UPDATE: I believe this is the second forklift to be used for violent purposes this season. The prop department must have gotten a deal.

UPDATE: I just want to fast-forward through the Olivia subplot.

UPDATE: Alan Wilson! I KNEW it! Or Allen Wilson.

UPDATE: They have not made the duct tape that can hold Jack Bauer.

UPDATE: Let's see: Jack, who is dying, has to get out of handcuffs, get rid of the bomb and overpower like 15 thugs. OK!

UPDATE: Renee knows the trigger mechanism and can disarm it! You don't let go of a gal like that.

UPDATE: I get the feeling Tony does not care for Alan. Or Allen.

UPDATE: So they got Allen or Alan, and Tony is in custody... So what happens in the final half-hour? It has to be a Big Surprise, yes? They certainly can't be putting all their chips on resolving the Olivia subplot, right? RIGHT??

UPDATE: "Do you regret anything that you did today?" "Some of the dialog, yes."

UPDATE: Oh, no. Not Henry. Please.

UPDATE: We are WASTING TIME ON THIS SUBPLOT, writers.

UPDATE: This would be much more powerful if we didn't know that Kiefer has signed for another season.

UPDATE: OK, this has turned into a soap opera.

UPDATE: Renee is now... Jack!

UPDATE: I guess we're all pretty shocked that Kim wants to do the stem-cell procedure.

UPDATE: OK, that started off in a promising manner, but it totally deflated after they caught Allen, or Alan, and we didn't even get to see Renee beat him up. I don't know about you, but I do NOT feel satisfied. This season -- in many ways, my LIFE -- peaked with the frogpersons in the White House. Since then it has been, meh. I leave you now with The Amazing Steve.

REMINDER

It's a two-hour show tonight, starting at 8 p.m. Eastern Season Finale Time. Be at this url, or be a person who is just about to hurl.