Dave Barry's Blog

THEY ALL PRODUCED VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS’ LICENSES

Truck with 100 monkeys crashes, some of them missing

(Thanks to pharmaross, Roberto, Tinkerbell and Nelson from Michigan)

WAIT... DIDN'T HE KILL HIMSELF IN SEASON FOUR?

Marwan killed after Philippines raid

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Terence Hegarty)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

Niceville Police officers were called to a residence after a man allegedly decided he wanted to sing and dance outside.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

24: THE NEXT DAY

Thanks to all of you who participated in this season's Jack-a-thon.

No, wait, that doesn't sound right. You know what I mean.

Thanks especially to The Amazing Steve, who was unusually amazing this year. I think we can all agree he did better than the writers, who should have followed the First Rule of Dramatic Plotting, as explained by Euripides: "When your hero has defenestrated the main villain and her son, it's time bring down the curtain."

Anyway, Audrey's gone, Chloe's free and Jack's in Russian captivity.

Above all, Edgar is still dead. For now.

Everybody get back to work.

 

24: THE FINALE

Here is where we stand as we finally head into the SEASON FINALE THANK GOD:

Jack Bauer and highly competent agent Kate Morgan are on the trail of Jack’s evil torturer nemesis Cheng, who has gained possession of the Magical Override Device, which has the power to launch any weapon from any nation anywhere on Earth as well reverse the Earth’s rotation and make long-distance phone calls for free. Cheng is working for the Russians, who have used the Device to put the USA and China on the Brink of War, and the EARTH IS DOOMED BWAHAHAHA unless Jack can save it with the aid of Agent Kate Morgan, who as we pointed out earlier is remarkably competent.

Chloe escaped from captivity by performing Chloe Fu on some of Cheng's henchdudes and is currently hiding in one of the many dense wilderness forests found around central London. We assume that tonight she will join forces with Jack and of course Agent Kate Morgan.

President William Devane, having fully recovered from death, is breaking new ground in the field of comically overdelivering his lines. In the preview for tonight's episode President Devane is seen collapsing, and he can't even do that believably. Meanwhile his annoying yet tedious daughter Audrey has fallen into Cheng's hands. In the last episode she held a secret meeting with a Chinese person for reasons we do not totally understand, after which Cheng's snipers wiped out EVERYBODY BUT AUDREY WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE WRITERS?

Critics are saying there will be a major shocking plot twist tonight, and the missing 12 hours will be explained. Also according to the preview there will be a coffin. We don't know who's in it, but we have our suspicions.

Speaking of dead: Edgar still is.

Be sure to stay tuned in the comments afterward for the recap by the only person on Earth, including the writers, who actually understands the plot: The Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: The shocking plot twist is: Red velvet cake! No, wait, sorry. Too soon.

UPDATE: Jack Bauer just won the Home Run Derby, which has not even started yet.

UPDATE: If Jack Bauer competed on Master Chef, he would literally carve up the judges and THEY WOULD STILL VOTE FOR HIM.

UPDATE: "Sit." Good Audrey!

UPDATE: "We're condemning Audrey to death for nothing." FINALLY.

UPDATE: When Chloe offered to get Jack the schematics, that was HOT.

UPDATE: Wait... we own Okinawa?

UPDATE: The Ship Captain is wearing a Halloween Ship Captain outfit.

UPDATE: He manipulated Chloe. The bastard.

UPDATE: What if Audrey has to pee? (Doo-dah, doo-dah.)

UPDATE: "I'm gonna need you to draw the sniper's fire." This is why we love agent Kate Morgan.

UPDATE: THIGH! 

UPDATE: "My comm is open." Chloe you SLUT.

UPDATE: Is that Windows 8?

UPDATE: Why would the sniper fall OUT of the window? Wouldn't the laws of physics... Oh, never mind.

UPDATE: Audrey's thigh wound is already healed.

UPDATE: Oh, wait.

UPDATE: Well, we won't have her to kick around any more.

UPDATE: Jack is so sad he might not be able to go on killing people by the dozens.

UPDATE: Oh, wait.

UPDATE: Fire Extinguisher Fu!

UPDATE: Jack really DID win the Home Run derby!

UPDATE: Plot twist headed our way.

UPDATE: 12 hours later!

UPDATE: Aw. President Devane.

UPDATE: The Russians are in a WORLD of trouble now.

UPDATE: Well THAT was certainly... something.

Take it, The Amazing Steve.

THE 24 SEASON FINALE

It's tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Override Time. Be on this blog, or be some kind of repulsive snotlike frog.

24

I'm flying home from Brazil, so I won't be able to join you for tonight's episode. Also I missed last week, so I have no idea what's going on. I don't even know for certain whether Edgar is still dead. I hope the plot still involves highly competent agent Kate Morgan. I'll try to catch up next week. Meanwhile, you gals 'n' guys have fun in the comments section, and be sure to stick around for the always amazing recap by The Amazing Steve.

24

Here is where we stand:

Last episode, Jack Bauer -- in as fine a demonstration of throwing both halves of a mother-son terrorist team out a fifth-story window as you are likely to see – rappelled down to the terrorist lair and defenestrated Evil Terror Mom and Ian. Jack also steered the last drone missile – which was heading for Waterloo Station – into the Thames, thereby saving thousands of lives, although many innocent carp were vaporized. It was a vintage performance by Jack, who also in this episode shot and punched out numerous individuals, including a security guard, which was kind of like LeBron James going one-on-one with Dr. Ruth Westheimer, but DAMMIT THERE WAS NO TIME.

Evil Terrorist Mom wanted to blow up Waterloo because she found out that President William Devane was still alive. Jack tricked her with the help of Chloe, who, armed with only a laptop and operating from a pub – where, tragically, she did not have to tase anybody – was able to hack into the drone feed, locate the terrorist lair, tell Jack where the dedicated electrical junction was located and just generally show why we used to love her a lot before she started applying mascara with a trowel.

Speaking of highly competent women: Agent Kate Morgan assisted Jack by engaging in a gun battle with the Evil Terrorist Mom’s henchpersons during which at least 17 million bullets were fired at her from close range. Incredibly, none of these bullets struck Agent Kate Morgan. So fortunately we have not lost Agent Kate Morgan.

In the mole subplot, which apparently now is the main plot, Jack is now chasing Steve Navarro, who ran off with the Device, which he is supposed to turn over to the creepy corpse-looking hackmaster guy, who it turns out is is getting it on with Chloe. Ew.

Edgar is still dead.

We would truly love to join you tonight, but tragically we are in Brazil engaging in hardcore journalism. However you are as always welcome to share your comments down in the comments section. And as always we urge you to stick around afterward for the miraculous recap by The Amazing Steve.

(DITTO - SEE THE LAST POST FOR MEA CULPAS)

UPDATE FROM DAVE: I have no idea what happened here, but I believe it was my fault. So you may rest assured that Judi will be fired.

24

It's tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Payback Time. Be here, or have a gigantic rear.

so... this was supposed to be on Wednesday... but because the s.b. was not paying attention, it turned out to be tonight, and this was not properly posted. mea culpa. mea culpa.

24

Here is where we stand;

President William Devane is dead. At least we think he is. Evil Terrorist Mom shot him with a missile in Wembley Stadium, which is usually fatal. But bear in mind that back in Season 5, he drove a car off a cliff, and that wasn’t fatal. Also, characters on 24 tend to have remarkable healing properties, although it seems unlikely that this will happen to President Devane, who is now apparently in several million tiny pieces.

Or is he? There are rumors on the Internet that his death was faked somehow -- that maybe he was actually a hologram, possibly created at the last second by Chloe, or that Chloe manipulated the drone camera. And if we can’t believe Internet rumors, what CAN we believe?

In any event, Jack Bauer wants PAYBACK, baby. No more Mister Only Mildly Psychotic Guy. We are very excited about this.

Meanwhile in the mole plot, that guy whom Navarro sent out to get killed might not actually be dead. This is probably very important but we have no idea why.

Agent Kate Morgan continues to be a vital plot element.

Edgar is still dead.

We will be posting updates here as events warrant. Stay tuned in the comments afterward, when the Amazing Steve will make everything clear.

UPDATE: OK, at the moment our cable is not working. We are not going to name our cable provider, which rhymes with Fomcast. All we will say is that WE CURRENTLY HAVE NO CABLE SERVICE FOR WHAT FEELS LIKE THE 337TH TIME, although to be fair it is probably only the 334th. But in any event, if we don't get our service back, obviously we will not be joining you live tonight. This may mean that, rather than forego our commentary, FOX will simply not broadcast tonight's episode. We sincerely apologize. Your call is important to us.

UPDATE: OK, we definitely do not have cable tonight. So we will just do what people did in the olden days, when they did not even have TV: We will slit our wrists.

UPDATE: So I gather from the comments that President Devane is not dead. Good! Except now there will be more Audrey.

UPDATE: So I gather from the comments (SIGFTC) that there was a perimeter. Perimeter! Actually, this is not a bad way to watch the show.

UPDATE: SIGFTC that Jack just threw somebody out a window and I MISSED IT.

UPDATE: SIGFTC (thanks, Jeff Meyerson) that Jack threw Margo AND Ian from the window. So I assume they're dead, but who the hell knows?

UPDATE: SIGFTC that nobody gets the Sprint ads. 

UPDATE: SIGFTC that not a lot of actual stuff is happening.

UPDATE: SIGFTC that Chloe kissed whatshisname and ew.

UPDATE: So I finally watched this episode. Whoa. Excellent Jack action.

 

24

Here is where we stand:

Jack Bauer managed to save Simone (code name “Pinky Stump”) from her Evil Drone Mom, who tried to kill Simone with missiles in an excellent car chase that required Jack to requisition two civilian vehicles, whose owners will no doubt be fully reimbursed by the United States government for any collateral damage caused by missiles or getting punched in the face. Jack is now supposed to meet with President William Devane, who appears to be about to turn himself over to Margot in exchange for not wreaking any more special effects on downtown London.

The Russians still want Jack.

Navarro is still the mole and is doing mole things with that other guy. We frankly do not understand this part of the plot.

Agent Kate Morgan is still very capable.

Edgar is still dead.

We will be providing updates during tonight’s episode as plot developments develop. Stay tuned in the comments afterward for The Amazing Steve’s amazing recap.

In conclusion: Go Heat USA soccer team!

UPDATE: The Amazing Steve writes that "If you count the movie Redemption, tonight is the 200th hour of 24."

UPDATE: "These are more like Kaiser rolls than doughnuts." Ooooh, BURN.

UPDATE: Who the hell turns in doughnuts with NO FILLING??? 

UPDATE: ANOTHER drill?

UPDATE: President Devane is lucky Jack didn't deck him.

UPDATE: OK, with all due respect to the writers, why would Terror Mom care what anybody thinks, seeing as how she is a psychotic mass murderer?

UPDATE: "So wake the bitch up." Whoa.

UPDATE: This is really not Simone's day.

UPDATE: "We need a drill and a soldering iron STAT."

UPDATE: Mark of course can get the codes for Wembley Stadium. 

UPDATE: So is Audrey in charge of the government? Or what?

UPDATE: The Secret Service detail plugs right into Jack's phone.

UPDATE: HOLY CRAP JACK IS CUTTING OPEN THE PRESIDENT.

UPDATE: The president, like everybody else on this show, heals in seconds.

UPDATE: Right. It's easy for the president of the United Freaking States to walk away from all his security. Because they never think to cover... the back door!

UPDATE: "Geez, Jack! Do you always have to PUNCH everybody?"

UPDATE: Jack don't need no stinkin' pilot.

UPDATE: Jack don't need to get no clearance from no air-traffic-control authorities.

UPDATE: Errand boy strikes back!

UPDATE: Apparently the safety is off. 

UPDATE: It's just a gaping chest wound. He'll be fine.

UPDATE: TAC Team 7 is my favorite TAC Team.

UPDATE: Didn't Kate get stabbed in the leg like 90 minutes ago?

UPDATE: It's nice the way Terror Mom praises her son when he reactivates the drones.

UPDATE: Fortunately, a helicopter landing in Wembley Stadium would not draw any attention.

UPDATE: Is it just me, or does Audrey have weird nostrils?

UPDATE: This is some very fine overacting.

UPDATE: Seriously, something has been done to those nostrils.

UPDATE: "End of the road, Jack." WHO WRITES THIS STUFF?

UPDATE: Chloe has managed to resolve the data pack into three screens! BUT WE'RE OUT OF TIME!

UPDATE: And the president is tackled by Wayne Rooney!

UPDATE: I bet they're glad they got the Facial Recognition App for their drone.

UPDATE: HOLY CRAP SHE BLEW UP THE PRESIDENT!

UPDATE: Next week: PAYBACK. Take it, The Amazing Steve.

24

It's tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Mole Time. Be here, or be something bad that rhymes with "here." 

24

Here is where we stand:

Jack Bauer is clearly head-over-heels in love with scorching renegade CIA agent Kate Morgan, as evidenced by the fact that he took her unconscious in a car trunk to turn her over to an arms dealer as a sort of a hostess gift. This is Jack’s idea of a date.

Speaking of arms: Kate wound up being suspended by hers backward from the ceiling, in which position she was slashed with a knife and about to get literally drilled with a literal drill, leaving her no choice but to apply the Thighs of Doom to a henchperson and then finish him off by stabbing him behind her back. This woman truly is Jack’s soulmate, which probably means she is roadkill.

Speaking of which: Simone is not having a good day. After having to stab her fake boyfriend to death in the ear, THEN having her finger chiseled off by her Evil Drone Mom’s henchpersons, THEN seeing her mom execute her husband, she gets sent by her mom to kill her sister-in-law. She decides to defy her mom’s orders and warn her sister in-law-to-flee, but somehow – It’s just that kind of day! – Simone manages to stab her sister-in-law to death anyway. THEN she chases after her niece and gets hit by a double-decker bus. It’s a miracle that, while she was lying in the street, an Acme brand safe did not land on her.

Meanwhile Jack is still after Evil Drone Mom, and the Brits have temporarily taken over for the CIA in the role of Idiots Getting Everything Wrong And Trying To Stop Jack. Jack is also being pursued by the Russians. President William Devane is still going senile. Edgar is still dead.

Finally, those of you who had Steve Navarro in the Mole Pool: Congrats!

Mrs. Blog leaves tonight for Brazil, where she will be covering the World Cup; unfortunately as a result I won't be providing updates on tonight's episode. But I'm sure you folks will provide your usual trenchant commentary in the comments. And as always, be sure to stay tuned in the comments afterward for The Amazing Steve being amazing. 

UPDATE: I'm checking in without knowing what is going on, because I'm not near a TV. I'm just hoping that (a) SOMETHING is going on, and (b) it does not involve Audrey.

UPDATE: Also, go Heat.

UPDATE AFTER I FINALLY SAW IT: Whoa. Awesome dronage.

24

It's tonight at 9 Eastern Drone Time. Be here, or be a big fat pooping steer.

24

Here izzzzzzz

Sorry! We nodded off there, thinking about last week's episode. Here is where we stand, to the best of our recollection:

Evil Game of Thrones Finger-Choppin’ Drone Mom lured the CIA into a building and used one of her drones to blow it up. Chloe found out about the trap, but we don’t know (at least I don’t know) if Ritter and Navarro got out of the building in time. Agent Kate Morgan continues to be an important character.

Jack had a reunion with Audrey but – this was definitely the low point of the season so far -- did not kill her.

Edgar, on the other hand, is still dead.

Be sure to check the comments after the show for the recap by The Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: Chef Ramsey just said, quote, "That is one of the worst meatloafs I have ever eaten."

UPDATE: "None of you did a meatloaf justice." 

UPDATE: "You absolutely humiliated a meatloaf."

UPDATE: If President Devane poops his pants, they're going to be suspicious.

UPDATE: "Jack wants her. Jack needs her. Jack gets her." Heheheheh.

UPDATE: I'm sorry, but if my mom recently had my finger chopped off, I'd be a little chilly.

UPDATE: Could Giant Chin's attractive blond secretary be the mole?

UPDATE: Plot twist! Jack has been working for the arms dealer!

UPDATE: "There is a very good chance we will both end up dead." Jack, you silver-tongued devil!

UPDATE: So Navid's sister is dead, right?

UPDATE: Has anything happened yet? 

UPDATE: Seriously, she is walking around chatting on the phone WITH HER FINGER CHOPPED OFF. If I had MY finger chopped off, that would be pretty much all I would talk about. If somebody said to me, for example, "Please pass the ketchup," I would be all "OHMIGOD I HAD MY FINGER CHOPPED OFF!!!"

UPDATE: Thank God for the totally invisible earpiece, huh?

UPDATE: UH-oh. Power tools.

UPDATE: Computer screens on TV never look like computer screens in real life.

UPDATE: The Brits screw up EVERYTHING.

UPDATE: Agent Kate! Thighs of Doom AND a reverse stab! We love Agent Kate very much.

UPDATE: Jack Bauer, with the most dramatic keystroke ever.

UPDATE: NAVARRO IS THE MOLE??

UPDATE: Next week, Jack protects whatsherhame from her Evil Finger Choppin' Mom, who HAS A VISUAL!

Take it away, The Amazing Steve.

24 REMINDER

It's tonight. Be here, or be a sphere.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE AMAZING STEVE COULD NOT GET ANY MORE AMAZING

From The Amazing Steve, last night:

I'm sitting here writing the recap, and wild life attacked.  At first I thought it was Audrey and jumped ten feet.  Check out the picture.

24

Here is where we stand:

Jack Bauer, having spent the entire last episode failing to upload or download some damn thing to or from Chloe, finally decided to let CIA Agent Hot Person talk him into surrendering to the Marines, although there is no question that, had he wanted to, he could have defeated the entire U.S. Marine Corps using only his feet.

Meanwhile Evil Creepy Terrorist Game of Thrones Mom now has the Secret Device that controls U.S. drones, which will be piloted by her son-in-law, who has graciously agreed to help out in exchange for his wife getting to keep the remainder of her fingers.

President William Devane continues to carry out the 24 presidential tradition of not having any idea what is going on. Audrey and Audrey's simpering douchebag husband Mark continue to be extremely tiresome. 

Edgar is still dead.

I will try to join you tonight, but either way you should feel free to comment on the plot, if you find one. Stay tuned in the comments after the show for the recap by The Amazing Steve.

 

24 ADVISORY

Because of travel/family matters I may not be able to watch tonight's episode of 24:Shoot Another Thigh with you live, though I will try. In any event, I'll post a plot summary later today, and as always you're all encouraged to comment during the show. Also as always we hope The Amazing Steve will take whatever amazing drugs he takes to provide his amazing recap.

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Jack Bauer had no choice but to shoot several randomly selected individuals in the thigh so he could create a panic and run into the American embassy in London, where he plans to interrogate the innocent American soldier who has been wrongly charged with shooting off his drone. In fact this was the work of a high-tech plot device that is now in the hands of Creepy Terrorist Mom.

Naturally the CIA is totally unaware of any of this and is devoting all of its resources to trying to stop Jack, which is OK by us because some of its resources are hot.

Edgar is still dead.

Be sure to tune into the comments section after tonight’s episode for the traditional amazing recap by The Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: OK, apparently the blog came back to life last night while we were watching 24, but we didn't know this because we were busy watching 24, and therefore posted no updates. If we had posted updates, the main one would be HOLY CRAP CREEPY TERRORIST MOM HAD HER HENCHPERSONS WHACK OFF HER DAUGHTER'S FINGER HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP.

Anyway, we see that The Amazing Steve performed his usual amazingness, so you should scroll down through the comments and read his recap.

We will attempt to resume normal blogging, whatever that means, later this morning.

But seriously: HOLY CRAP.

24

Here is where we stand:

A terrorist group headed by a scary mom with an ear-stabbing daughter has gained control of a Secret Device that enables them to control U.S. drones. Jack and Chloe are trying to stop the terrorists, but they’re being impeded by the CIA, which is of course run by morons who have everything wrong, although in their defense one of them is hot.

Elsewhere in the plot, President William Devane is planning to address Parliament, which worries his daughter Audrey and her husband Mark because President Devane is showing signs of dementia (as if that ever disqualified anybody from being president).

Meanwhile across the Atlantic Ocean the Miami Heat, leading 2-1 in the series, are preparing to play the Brooklyn Newts.

Edgar is still dead.

We will attempt to follow all of these storylines and provide updates below. If you prefer coherent prose, stay tuned in the comments at the end of 24 for the traditional amazing recap by The Amazing Steve. Go Heat.

UPDATE: Wouldn't it be great if, at the end of the new Godzilla movie, Godzilla removed his head, and underneath was a Japanese actor?

UPDATE: This LeBron James fellow is a fine athlete.

UPDATE: I would have loved to see Jack shoot that toilet.

UPDATE: The DEVICE.

UPDATE: Jack Bauer does not mind the freaking gap.

UPDATE: Ear Stab Girl is RUTHLESS. She has NO RUTH AT ALL.

UPDATE: I have no idea what Jack and Chloe are talking about.

UPDATE: Oooooh. Morris was Chloe's weird husband. And now he sleeps with Edgar.

UPDATE: Heat 56, Newts 49.

UPDATE: They're going to backchannel the MP's. Heh.

UPDATE: When Audrey and her douchebag husband kiss... Ew.

UPDATE: Douchebag H. is a FORGER. 

UPDATE: Scary Mom and Ear Stab Girl seem like a LOT of fun.

UPDATE: A non-standard hardware bus! Don't you just HATE that?

UPDATE: Do you think there's any chance that Scary Mom and Ear Stab Girl's husband have been... Nah.

UPDATE: The video Jay Z and Beyonce don't want you to see. TONIGHT AT TEN!

UPDATE: Hacker kids all wear wool watch caps. ALL OF THEM.

UPDATE: Kate is a badass.

UPDATE: Heat 65, Newts 61.

UPDATE: Nothing more heartwarming than a mom sewing up her daughter's self-inflicted thigh wound.

UPDATE: "What are we not seeing?" You're not seeing that YOU'RE ALL IDIOTS.

UPDATE: I think President Devane should appear before Parliament in his bathrobe.

UPDATE: I still don't get why it's such a big deal to have a treaty with the British.

UPDATE: Jack is the only person in England wearing sunglasses. That's why they can't find him.

UPDATE: Ear Stab Girl's husband is having Second Thoughts. This will not work out well for him.

UPDATE: Scary Mom is watching! Not TOO creepy!

UPDATE: That chin has to affect the tides.

UPDATE: I am really hoping the first drone hits Audrey and her douchebag husband.

UPDATE: I think President Devane's coolest move at this point would be to make weewee in his trousers.

UPDATE: THIGH SHOT!!!

UPDATE: Maybe a knee. Close enough.

UPDATE: Victoria's Secret has some important new products.

UPDATE: Next week: More shooting

UPDATE: Heat 79, Newts 76, but the Newts are shooting three.

UPDATE: Take it, The Amazing Steve.

24 ADVISORY

We will be blogging 24: Shoot Another Thigh tonight starting at 8 p.m. Eastern Drone Time. We will also be watching the Miami Heat playoff game vs. the Brooklyn Newts. So it could be even less coherent than usual. 

Correction: Apparently it's 9 p.m. Eastern Drone Time.

24

Here is where we stand:

Four years after killing (he had NO CHOICE, DAMMIT) approximately two-thirds of the population of North America, Jack Bauer is a rogue fugitive on the run in London, which is about to be visited by United States President William Devane, who is the target of an assassination plot and is also the father of Audrey, who we assume has pictures of the writers naked with an underage sheep, because there is no other explanation for why she keeps showing up in the plot.

Chloe, who has also gone rogue, is working for some kind of outlaw hacker group.

We don't know this for a fact, but we assume some evil villains are planning to perpetrate some kind of horrendous horror.

Edgar is still dead.

We'll be updating this post during the show as developments develop. After tonight's two-hour episode ends, The Amazing Steve will recap the plot in the comments; he says he'll have a post on the first hour right after the show, and a post on the second hour a little later.

UPDATE: Jack is now an African American! No, wait, that's somebody else.

UPDATE: All the women in the CIA are really hot.

UPDATE: Aparently they are very strict about homelessness in London.

UPDATE: The hoodie!

UPDATE: Beware the Hoodie of Doom.

UPDATE: They now have Jack in captivity, which is EXACTLY WHERE HE WANTS THEM.

UPDATE: President William Devane is uncomfortable with the drones.

UPDATE: We of course already distrust this smarmy douchebag.

UPDATE: "He's up to something." Ha.

UPDATE: Jack Bauer is also currently doing the samba on Dancing With The Stars. 

UPDATE: The hot blonde is already in love with Jack, and WHO CAN BLAME HER?

UPDATE: Jack is like, "Oh no! Please don't put me in handcuffs!"

UPDATE: OK, I am already lost with this Kate-and-Adam subplot.

UPDATE: "Special activities" sounds like they're going to make lanyards.

UPDATE: Jack has no lines in this. His bare chest does the talking.

UPDATE: They're doing Special Activities on Chloe!

UPDATE: Jack won the samba. There are a lot of wounded.

UPDATE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO she's back, and of course she's married to the smarmy douchebag.

UPDATE: "Jack. Can I call you Jack?" Seriously? Somebody wrote that?

UPDATE: That was a major Glance Exchange, between Jack and the H.B.

UPDATE: Kate went rogue!

UPDATE: Nobody on this show EVER believes the obviously correct underling. 

UPDATE: How did they get Jack's shirt back on, with the handcuffs?

UPDATE: WHOA! KATE!

UPDATE: "You were really something Bauer, back in the day." THIS IS THE DAY, BUDDY.

UPDATE: He speaks!

UPDATE: "Nothing you haven't done." A low blow. Followed by a low blow.

UPDATE: Wasn't that in Pulp Fiction?

UPDATE: Jack didn't kill ANYBODY. He's getting soft.

UPDATE: Jack shot at Kate! It's like foreplay.

UPDATE: She can't say DROP YOUR WEAPON! That's what Jack says!

UPDATE: Always good to have a colleague nearby with an air-to-ground missile.

UPDATE: We're at war with the British?

UPDATE: PERIMETER!!!

UPDATE: The chief of staff is up his ass?

UPDATE: Chloe has several new chins.

UPDATE: "I don't have any friends." Aw, Jack. You need to stop killing them.

UPDATE: Drone subplot! Do we know the guy who said "It's done"?

UPDATE: Do we think they're going to start the second hour by recapping the first hour?

UPDATE: We BET you have your own procedures.

UPDATE: Kate has a man on the outside.

UPDATE: Chloe is living in Graffiti Kingdom with a creep.

UPDATE: "That's impossible." "Not for him."

UPDATE: Jack is not going to ask a third time.

UPDATE: "We're doing lots of backtracing, we may need some piggyback servers." We love it when Chloe talks dirty.

UPDATE: That woman has very dark roots.

UPDATE: It's the Drone Control Gang! And they're on shed-yule!

UPDATE: The Drone Control Gang has... a device!

UPDATE: The prime minister's jaw is the size of Montana.

UPDATE: Seriously, cattle could graze on that thing.

UPDATE: The Wooden Dialogue Generator is cranking away here.

UPDATE: Chloe can sulk and type at the same time.

UPDATE: Jack and Chloe, working together again. Aw.

UPDATE: Why are they wearing their overcoats indoors?

UPDATE: It's all gonna go down in West Ealing. 

UPDATE: Military justice moves VERY fast.

UPDATE: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz Let's go to West Ealing.

UPDATE: Can Chloe cut off that camera? Does a bear poop in the woods?

UPDATE: Is this Jack's first hanging?

UPDATE: "No offense, Mick."

UPDATE: Those guys were seriously outnumbered by Jack.

UPDATE: Jack, once again, gets shot by our side, which lets the real bad guy go. Way to go, our side!

UPDATE: It's been several minutes, so Jack has recovered from being shot.

UPDATE: Jack punches Kate. This is LOVE.

UPDATE: SCHEMATICS! A MULTI-CHANNEL OVERRIDE SYSTEM!! 

UPDATE: DAMMIT!!!!!

UPDATE: OK, so for now, the plot is about a Device.

UPDATE: Do we think Dark Roots is an agent?

UPDATE: She IS!

UPDATE: "Mummy's waiting."

UPDATE: Next week: More shooting. Take it, The Amazing Steve.

UPDATE THE NEXT DAY: Don't miss The Amazing Steve's recap, which is... I am searching for a word here... amazing. Here's his secret:

24 2NITE

Tonight is the two-hour premiere of 24: The Writers Have Completed Rehab And Are Ready To Take Another Stab At It. This season will have a total of only 12 hours because the other 12 were stolen by the Russians and Jack Bauer must find them before time runs out so PUT THE WEAPON DOWN. Or something. We don't care what the plot is. We're just happy we have Jack and Chloe back.

We'll be live-blogging tonight's episode starting at 8 p.m. We believe The Amazing Steve will be providing his traditional amazing recap in the comments after the show.

So we'll see you here (actually, not here in this post: we'll have a new post at the top of the blog) at 8 p.m. Eastern Perimeter Time. Be here, or be a sphere.

24

Get ready.

BREAKING 24 UPDATE

From The Amazing Steve:

I was watching a show online just now, and Chloe broke in during a commercial, and directed viewers to this website. It looks like the tie-in to the next "24" episode, since Chloe is supposed to be part of this organization.

SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY NEEDS TO GET SHOT IN THE THIGH

Dammit! Fox mixes up Donald and Kiefer Sutherland in 24 promo

(Thanks to funny man)

More 24 stuff here.

Advisory: Audrey. But also: Chloe.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

24

In case you missed it because you fell asleep during the first quarter of the Super Bowl -- a wise decision on your part -- they showed a trailer for 24: Live Another Day. It features Jack, Chloe, explosions and shooting. We are in heaven.

WE ASSUME A PERIMETER WAS INVOLVED

Malaysian Zulkifli bin Hir, or Marwan, who was on the US FBI's most wanted list with a $5m (£3.2m) reward offered for his capture, was reported killed.

(Emphasis added, for emphasis)

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

24: THE MOVIE

Chloe will be involved.

(Thanks to Emily Tobin, Jeff Brown, and funny man)

THE PERIMETER IS FORMING NOW

'24' Might Start Shooting in April 2012 With Kiefer Sutherland Back as Jack Bauer

(Thanks to funny man)

Related seasonal flashback item here.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

LET'S ASK CHLOE

I’ve been buying up the entire “24” series on DVD,
since I’ve been missing it not being on TV.

Now, I’m finding the shows are nowhere nearly
as entertaining as being able to have Dave’s
“running commentary” during the show.

Since subtitles are available, and the DVD
series are probably due for a refresh, is there
any possibility they can do a box set which
includes Dave’s commentary in the subtitles?

Thanks!
Dave Roe

AND THEY'LL KEEP SHOOTING UNTIL THE LAST THIGH HAS BEEN PUNCTURED

Kiefer Sutherland Optimistic About ’24′ Movie: “We Start Shooting Hopefully By Next December or January’

(Thanks to Martini Shark)

WHY WE LOVE CHLOE

Read this.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ESTABLISH YOUR PERIMETER AND DOWNLOAD YOUR SCHEMATICS

The 24 Marathon Challenge

(Thanks to Trent Whitney)

CHLOE UPDATE

"I wish Edgar wasn't dead."

(Thanks to Virgil)

THIS CALLS FOR, AT MINIMUM, A NATIONAL HOLIDAY

Chloe is back.

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

SO HE'S NOT STILL DEAD

Edgar was seen in the 11/1 episode of Hawaii Five-0 on CBS!  He’s back!

Elizabeth Bettisworth

THE MORNING AFTER OPENING NIGHT, THE TIMES CRITIC WAS SHOT IN THE THIGH

24 actor Kiefer Sutherland is headed for the New York stage to star in a Broadway revival of That Championship Season.

(Thanks to Stacie Donaldson)

MARWAN UPDATE

He's back!

No word on Edgar.

(Thanks to Emily Tobin)

ATTENTION, SICKO PERVERTS SERIOUS FANS OF 24

Christmas is coming.

(Thanks to sandy)

JACK BAUER IS NOT GONE

He's on Avenue A.

(Thanks to funnyman)

JACK BAUER IN THE FUTURE

It will get more difficult for Jack to download the schematics.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

JACK BAUER UPDATE

He's out there.

(Thanks to Matt Loper)

SO THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM

Dear Dave,
I don’t know if this was previously reported.  I watched “G.I. Joe:  Rise of the Cobra” last night, and Marwan was in it.  I’m sorry to report that not only is he still a bad guy, but he is now working undercover in the White House as the President of the United States.  On the bright side, maybe this will be just cause for Jack to come out of hiding.
Always on Alert,
Sharon Lurie

HEY, WE'D WATCH IT

Har.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

Here is where we stand:

Jack, having for various solid reasons killed or wounded two-thirds of the population of Manhattan, is now hunting Russian President Suvarov and also leaking about a quart of blood every 15 minutes. Jack is in turn being pursued by CTU under the command of Pillar, the henchperson of ex-President Dirtbag, who was captured by Jack last week and revealed, under interrogation, that he had pooped his drawers. Meanwhile the FBI took the Secret Video away from Meredith and has been ordered to give it to President Woman President, who is suffering from pangs of either conscience or intestinal flu; there is no way to tell which.

Chloe and Cole are also trying to find Jack. Edgar is still dead.

Tonight's two-hour special is the final episode, ending eight years of Jack Bauer's courageous efforts to find some way, against impossible odds, not to laugh out loud at the plot. It is a journey we have all taken together; a journey that has given us much to think about. We can honestly say that it has been an unmitigated pleasure, except when it sucked. Thanks to all of you for participating on this blog. And thanks especially to The Amazing Steve for his wonderful summaries. We don't know why you do it, T.A.S., but we strongly suspect drugs are very grateful.

And now it's time for our final scientific poll:

What was your favorite moment in all the eight seasons?
	Terrorist frogpersons capturing the White House.
	Jack getting addicted to heroin.
	Chloe tasering the drunk in the bar.
	The time that the perimeter actually succeeded in capturing a... No, wait, that never happened.
	The Victoria's Secret Dream Angel Push-up Brassiere commercial.
	Chloe shooting the machine gun.
	Marwan.
	The discovery that it is not necessary to refrigerate ketchup or mustard.
	That time Jack shouted "DAMMIT!"
	The ceremony observing the hiring of the 10,000th CTU mole.
	The terrorist missile that flew from Iowa to Los Angeles at 14 miles per hour.
	Renee cutting off that guy's thumb.
	Renee emerging from the Potomac.
	All the times Jack obtained voluntary confessions through the use of power tools.
	Some other moment, which I will nominate in the comments (the blog comments, not the poll comments).
	This is off-topic, but: It felt as though the last episode of "Lost" ran about 17 hours too long.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: Jack said he's eternally grateful. So maybe he's DEAD.

UPDATE: When two guys are aiming guns at each other and engaging in dialog, I always think, "If I were one of those guys, I would pull the trigger, before the other guy does." Does that make me a bad person? Never mind.

UPDATE: Nice product placement of the rearview-camera feature.

UPDATE: But we WANT to see Jack take Pillar apart piece by piece.

UPDATE: Jack has the power of Backseat Invisibility.

UPDATE: Jack Bauer does not need blood.

UPDATE: Or anesthetic.

UPDATE: "I am judge and jury. Now STEP BACK."

UPDATE: Here's the thing: Middle East peace treaties NEVER work anyway.

UPDATE: Whoa! President Woman President is insane! This is good!

UPDATE: Jack has one of those instant-on PCs that don't actually exist.

UPDATE: Somehow, Jack got inside the perimeter.

UPDATE: Nice to see Chloe with a gun again.

UPDATE: Jack choking Chloe! Hot.

UPDATE: Jack has a very large gun.

UPDATE: One hour down. Not a whole lot happened.

UPDATE: "The pipple of Russia."

UPDATE: So far today Jack has been stabbed twice and (I think) shot twice. At this rate he is eventually going to need medical attention.

UPDATE: JACKULA!

UPDATE: I miss the rods.

UPDATE: Well, THIS is a neat and tidy ending.

UPDATE: Aw. Jack and Chloe.

UPDATE: So in conclusion: The Peace Process was NOT a big deal after all! So this season was about... what? Never mind. We had our little fun, didn't we? Take it away one last time, The Amazing Steve.

REMINDER

Tonight at 8 p.m. Eastern Apocalypse Time: The two-hour grand finale.

(Motivational poster by Andy the TropicHunt.com Guy, who has a 24 page)

Related email:

Dave,
I’m an ER doctor who also happens to be a rabid “24” fan.  Not too long ago, I was working the night shift.  Over the course of about an hour, two different people came in with bilateral gunshot wounds to the thighs.  You heard me right.  Two people who were shot in both thighs.  Immediately after seeing the second patient, I thought to myself, “Jack Bauer’s in town and boy is he pissed.”
-- Todd Larson

IT'S ALMOST OVER

And we still have no idea what happened.

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Jack, who is finally starting to come out of his shell, used his powers of persuasion as well as pliers, a blowtorch, a knife, a power drill, a chainsaw, a pickaxe, a roto-tiller, a backhoe and an industrial sandblaster to extract a SIM card from the digestive system of the Russian agent Pavel. Jack now knows that former President Handbag is involved with the Russians, which means Jack will be paying him a call.

Meanwhile everybody at CTU (Motto: "The One Thing We Never Actually Do Is Counter Terrorism") is secretly working to thwart everybody else.

Edgar is still dead.

I regret to say that I am still traveling, although I may be able to join you for some of the show. Be sure to stay tuned in the comments section afterward for the wrapup by The Amazing Steve. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll:

Do you think the writers are ultimately going to kill Jack?
	No.
	Yes.
	How?
	I think Jack should ultimately kill the writers.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: "You killed that man, didn't you." Um, duh.

UPDATE: Mrs. Sham certainly did not take long to get over the death of her husband.

UPDATE: President Woman President sure has a modest desk.

UPDATE: Darth Jack.

UPDATE: I can't believe he didn't kill Handbag.

UPDATE: People tend to open up to Jack.

UPDATE: "He shot to wound." That Jack! Such a softie.

UPDATE: WOW! Death by poker!

UPDATE: Excellent move by Jack, bugging the Handbag.

UPDATE: Take it, T.A.S.