Dave Barry's Blog

WHEN SUSHI PROMOTIONS GO WRONG

A sushi promotion in Taiwan led hundreds of people to legally change their names to "Salmon," only to discover some people couldn't change them back.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Truck hauling dump trailer spills 20,000 rotten eggs in Lancaster County

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "The cleanup crew had to work eggstra hard. Omelette you make some funny yolks.")

DO-IT-YOURSELFER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

With no defense at hand, a man has pleaded guilty to an obscenity charge for pleasuring himself inside a storage shed for sale at a Lowe’s in Louisiana.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE WITH TOO MUCH MONEY:

Japanese hotel offers toys their own beds, but it will cost you

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

AND IN SPORTS

‘Big Dumper’ Cal Raleigh’s newest endorsement is with Honey Bucket

(Thanks to PapaJohn)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR MEAT LOAF

Massive Underground Blobs May Tell Us Where the Next Mass Extinction Could Start

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT'S A QUESTION WE HAVE ALL ASKED OURSELVES COUNTLESS TIMES

Do sloths fart?

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

GO FIGURE

Judge orders famous Seattle nude beach closed because people keep having sex in public there

(Thanks to Charles Cates and Barry Nester, who says "I am shocked, shocked.")

EDUCATION UPDATE

Unfortunately, our strict policy etc.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

BOLO

Ada County Sheriff's Detectives looking for masked buttocks slapper

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

Yet another argument against masking your buttocks.

ATTENTION, MEN PLANNING TO GO TO THE BEACH:

Don't.

(Thanks to Annette)

OTHERWISE, THE PERFECT RENTER

Tenant left mountain of 3,000 beer cans in flat and only paid rent once

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE DEAD

Lingering Moose Shuts Down Popular Adirondack Trail for a Month

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

'SOME RESIDENTS' NEED TO WAKE THE HELL UP

...some residents are raising concerns about the use of poisonous chemicals to address what the city of San Diego calls “overpopulation” of “very invasive” squirrels in the Windansea area.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BUT FOR HOW LONG?

Travellers are postponing their toilet visits, according to survey

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YOU'RE TELLING US

Scientists find Uranus is surprisingly warm

(Thanks to Barry Nester and pharmaross)

'NO ONE TASTED IT EXCEPT THE DOG, WHO HAD VERY BAD BREATH FOR A LONG TIME AFTERWARDS'

Stench in a rented house after tourists cooked shark by mistake

(Thanks to Art Kraus)

NO WORD ON THE STREET VALUE OF THE CARROTS

‘Gargantuan’ $15.6 million in meth seized from tractor trailer hauling carrots

(Thanks to Monique)

ASTEROID-MEASUREMENT-UNIT UPDATE

Asteroid the size of 145 Elmos to fly past Earth on Tuesday, July 15

(Thanks to Roberto)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

An armed man dressed in a bikini storms a donut shop – but staff fight back

(Thanks to Ron Wylie, who notes that, incredibly, this was "not Florida.")

ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO GO BAREFOOT?

Grand Teton National Park Says Stop Leaving Shoes out for Foxes

(Thanks to John Lobert)

ANYTHING TO DECL.... YIKES

Over 1,400 tarantulas found hidden in cake boxes in German smuggling bust

(Thanks to B&C, Dave Vander Ark and Not My Usual Alias, who notes that "They could have been for personal use.")

THE NEW YORK POST TACKLES THE ISSUES

Kourtney Kardashian helped me poop

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "A use for the Kardashians at last.")

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

What Happens When You Throw a Paper Plane From Space? These Physicists Found Out

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

What we found out is that physicists have a LOT of spare time.

ANYTHING TO DECLARE?

Man escapes prison by hiding in luggage of fellow cellmate as he's released in France

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS CANNOT BE GOOD

China Builds World's Lightest Mind-Controller That Turns Bees Into Military Cyborgs

(Thanks to Ralph)

We cannot allow the squirrels to gain access to this technology.

WE KEEP WARNING PEOPLE, BUT NOBODY LISTENS

Squirrels Take Over Yosemite

(Thanks to John Regan)

Thousands of squirrels are "swarming" one of America's nuclear bases, wreaking untold havoc as we speak

(Thanks to Linda Schutjer and Terry in Bedford)

NO, YOU DON'T THROW IT AT THEM

Here, they explain how to use a disco ball to keep flies away outside

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "They could just play Barry Manilow instead.")

OTHER THAN THAT, A PERFECT NEIGHBOR

...he was caught walking around naked in his apartment building and using a dog whistle to harass his neighbors’ pets.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THIS IS COINCIDENCE

How one squirrel caused thousands to lose power in Taylorsville

Squirrel knocks out power to thousands in Helena Tuesday morning

(Thanks to EricY)

WE'RE ON OUR WAY

The annual Naughty N'awlins swinger convention, the National Federation of the Blind Convention and GalaxyCon are bringing thousands of visitors to the Crescent City this weekend.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WE'VE HAD CARS THAT SOUNDED LIKE THAT

Man Had 14 Toucans Stashed in His Volkswagen Dashboard, U.S. Says

(Thanks to Bill Carver and Alkali Bill)

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

OSTRICH STEALS AND EATS WOMAN’S WEDDING RING

(Thanks to John Lobert)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Wisconsin police find drugs in bag labelled ‘Definitely Not a Bag Full of Drugs’

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR, AND PROTECT, THE COWSILLS

Robot coyotes protect US military airfields

(Thanks to Ralph and MOTW)

WHEN WE THINK 'ROMANCE,' WE THINK 'ALTOONA'

Duo jailed for having intercourse at busy Altoona intersection, police report

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

Despite What You've Heard, Peeing On A Jellyfish Sting Is NEVER The Answer

(Thanks to Ron Wylie)

BACK IN THE SIXTIES, THAT'S DEFINITELY HOW SOME OF US READ IT

Did Shakespeare Write Hamlet While He Was Stoned?

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder)

SOMEBODY HAD TO DO IT

The US military’s most infamous ‘sky penis’ drawings, ranked'

(Thanks to Patricia Dorfman)

THE OTHER VEGETABLES FEAR AND RESPECT IT

Watch this cucumber squirt out its seeds at ballistic speeds

(Thanks to N1LUL Raymond)

WHO SAYS KIDS TODAY LACK INITIATIVE?

Child gets stuck inside claw machine at Mason Community Center

(Thanks to Ron Wylie and Greg Snow)

RIGHT. HE 'FORGOT.'

Man Forgets Wife at Gas Station, Only Realizes 300 Km Later

(Thanks to Ralph)

SMOKING

The Times spots a trend.

WE NEED 23,000 PINTS OF ICE CREAM STAT

Semi-truck spills chocolate syrup on I-75 in Monroe County

Related: Spilled blueberries create 'traffic jam' in Mission

"Traffic jam." Har!

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "Police had to preserve evidence at the accident scene. Thankfully, no commuters were berried alive.") (Also thanks to EricY)

SHE CAN COOK A BOYFRIEND?

Rental grandma service growing in Japan, can help cook or break up with boyfriends

(Thanks to Ralph)

SO YOU'LL NEED A DOG TO BLAME IT ON

Doctors warn butt lift side effect may leave awful odor

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

12:58 p.m. A woman was prepared to defend herself with knives and a baseball bat when a draft slammed a door shut.

(Thanks to Mary Smith)

ARE THESE 'EXPERTS' GOING TO GET IT OUT?

Find a snake in your toilet in California? Don’t get rattled, experts say

(Thanks to EricY)

FASHION ALERT

Chimpanzees are running around with grass in their ears and butts at the Chimfunshi Wildlife Orphanage in Zambia.

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder and Jim Kenaston)

THE HORROR

Woman Leaves Squirrel Little Treats on Her Patio and He Ends Up Bringing All of His Friends Over

(Thanks to Barry Nester)