Dave Barry's Blog

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WENT EXACTLY AS PLANNED

Giancarlo was just trying to help. But he set the dog on fire, the dog set the couch on fire, the couch set the curtains on fire, and before long, residents of a five-story, 114-unit apartment building in San Francisco were fleeing for their lives down a fire escape amid a blaze that sent two people to the hospital.

(Thanks to Malcolm Hoar)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Swedish Guillemot Mistaken for Spy Bird in Ethiopia

(Thanks to Ralph)

'OLIVIA'S WATER HAS BROKE'

Schenectady news anchor goes into labor on air, but delivers the news

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TODAY'S SUBSTACK TOPIC

It's important.

THAT SHOULD DO IT

Snakes released in condo hallway in protest against noisy dog

(Thanks to pharnariss)

ATTENTION PULITZER BOARD

Chicago Paper Publishes ‘Summer Reading List’ of Fake Books Created With AI

(Thanks to John Lobert)

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

Toilet Scrolling Is Hurting Your Butt

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE CAN'T BELIEVE THEY DIDN'T ASK US TO DRIVE

Wienermobiles to compete in inaugural ‘Wienie 500’ at Indianapolis Motor Speedway

(Thanks to Ralph and The Perts)

REMINDS US OF COLLEGE

This Austin book club has been reading the same book for 12 years. They’re not even close to done.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner, who says "Maybe they should get off their phones.")

HE WILL FIGHT FOR YOU

A Charleston personal injury attorney was arrested last week after police say he was downtown yelling at the top of his lungs without any clothes on.

(Thanks to Actual Name)

'URBAN?'

CNC Research Forest team is looking for public help with collecting urban bear poop

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

ATTENTION MEN:

GP issues urgent warning over 'summer penis' phenomenon that could destroy intimate moments

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CAUSING HIM TO 'SUFFER PERSONAL INJURIES'

Texas man sues Whataburger for nearly $1 million because restaurant didn’t hold the onions, he says

(Thanks to EricY)

WHO'S HUNGRY?

Stir-Fried Cassia Caterpillars

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS CANNOT BE GOOD

NASA Scientists Uncover Giant Glowing Life Form in Ocean, Visible From Space

(Thanks to The Perts, who say "We saw this movie back in '62.")

WE NEED TO BUILD A WALL

Texas officials introduce bill aimed at stopping New World screwworm

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

BEST CLASS EVER

Primary school evacuated after student brings in a grenade for show and tell

(Thanks to Ralph)

MAYBE HER INSURANCE WAS DENIED

Moose gives birth on the grass outside Alaska hospital

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "Almost made it.")

WHY HIS ROLLS-ROYCE WAS WEARING A TOWEL WE'LL NEVER KNOW

Florida man tries to stop his Rolls-Royce from being towed wearing only a towel

(Thanks to Ralph)

The video is pretty great.

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

31 million tons of supercharged seaweed is creeping toward beaches in Florida and around the Caribbean

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND IN SPORTS II

U.S. Army Capt. Travis Chewning-Kulick set a world record for the fastest time to run a mile in a bomb suit (7:04)

(Thanks to Chris)

KINKY

How one couple’s hotel bed became covered in potato chips

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AND IN SPORTS

70-year-old golfer struck by SUV in crazy, caught-on-video car chase on Chicago golf course

(Thanks to John Lobert)

TO BOLDLY GO

Urologists have a new assistant, a highly flexible robotic finger

(Thanks to Ralph)

ANYTHING TO DECLARE?

U.S. customs agents find parrots stuffed in man’s boots

(Thanks to man tom)

HE IS WELCOME ON THE ROADS OF FLORIDA

French Man Has Been Driving Without a License Since 1997

(Thanks to Ralph)

FLORIDAAAAAAAA

Ocala woman arrested after punching officer’s testicles, refusing to pay tab at steakhouse

(Thanks to pharmaross)

OTHER THAN THAT, A SMOOTH FLIGHT

A flight spent 10 minutes with no pilot when the first officer collapsed while the captain was in the bathroom

(Thanks to Ron Wylie)

CSI: THE WOODS

Bear steals trail camera in New Hampshire

You know who put him up to it.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

FLORIDA MAN IN ACTION

Man allegedly chases kids to Family Dollar for ding-dong-ditch ‘joke’ at his door

(Thanks to Rick Day, who says "And stay off his lawn!")

CHICAGO SIGHTING

Here I am at my event in Chicago last night with blog stalwart Not My Usual Alias, who is (I think) dressed as Gene Weingarten dressed as the Costco Chicken Guy. Again: Do not ask me to explain.

BOOK TOUR UPDATE

Attention: Qatar

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Scientists discover giant missing blob of water in the middle of the Atlantic

(Thanks to The Perts)

UROLOGY PROFESSIONAL OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Urology Professional of the Week So Far.

(Thanks to John Finn)

CSI: NEBRASKA

Multiple women stealing comforters from JCPenney’s, Lincoln Police say

(Thanks to Steve Bradford)

YOU KNOW WHO WAS BEHIND THIS

Snake halts Japanese bullet trains

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND IN SPORTS

Robot sets record by solving Rubik's cube in .103 seconds

(Thanks to Rick Day)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Your fingers 'prune' the exact same way each time, study suggests

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner and Gary Schroeder, who asks "What would we do without studies?")

PHARMAROSS SIGHTING

Tonight at my event at the Poisoned Pen in Scottsdale, the completely insane extremely prolific blog contributor known as pharmaross presented me with a miniature ceramic Cialis bathtub. Do not ask me why.

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

'This should not be published': Scientists cast doubt on study claiming trees 'talk' before solar eclipses

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

After solar eclipses you can't shut them up.

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Naked Man Found in Lowe’s Display Shed with Vaseline and Phone

(Thanks to Actual Name)

CANADA: A NATION IN FEAR

Plane Drops Frozen Excrement Through Unsuspecting Homeowner’s Roof: “My head was only about 12 or 15 feet away”

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

A radar image of a speed offender caught in central Switzerland last month has revealed that the culprit was not only a duck but probably a repeat offender, local authorities have said.

(Thanks to Doug Shedd, Ron Wylie and Ralph)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Mystery of 'exploding birds' deepens in California

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

HOLD OFF ON THAT MORTGAGE PAYMENT

Universe expected to decay in 10⁷⁸ years, much sooner than previously thought

(Thanks to Ralph, The Perts and some guy who doesn't want credit for some reason.)

HOW MANY BEERS DO YOU HAVE?

What is the optimal number of beers to drink in one sitting?

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SHE HAS OUR VOTE

South Jersey Assembly candidate selling photos of her feet as online adult content

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BASICALLY IT'S A HORROR MOVIE

Booming squirrel population leads to Santa Monica's insistence not to feed wildlife

(Thanks to man tom)

CSI: LEANDER

Flock of mystery sheep found wandering near Texas school

(Thanks to MOTW)

ANYTHING TO DECLARE?

Over a ton of cocaine worth nearly half a billion dollars seized off Australian coast

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "This interdiction could dramatically reduce cocaine use in the U.S. for about 15 or 20 minutes.")