Dave Barry's Blog

WHATEVER GETS YOU THROUGH THE 'SMALL WORLD' RIDE

Florida Man Caught with ‘Bulky Wallet Full of Cocaine’ at Magic Kingdom

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "He's just a big Snow White fan.")

WHAT'S THAT SMELL? II

Spilled chicken guts snarl traffic in Guntersville

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AT TIMES LIKE THIS, WE MISS NURSECINDY

A man managed to get a large flashing kids' toy stuck in his bottom - forcing hospital doctors to come up with a genius plan to finally get the "anorectal foreign body" out for good

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

What the heck is a fart walk? Why this practice is being hailed as the secret to healthy aging

(Thanks to Barry Nester and Allen at Division, who says "Or as we call it, "Walking".")

WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW

Why men are shaving off their eyelashes

(Thanks to Ron T)

TALK ABOUT DROPPING A DIME

Millions of dimes spill on roadway, closing U.S. 287 in Alvord for hours

(Thanks to MOTW)

WE BLAME GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE

Runaway kangaroo on the loose named Sheila shuts down Alabama interstate

(Thanks to Ron Wylie, Doug Shedd and Ralph)

YEEPERS

Man drops gun, flees charging polar bear in Norway

(Thanks to John Lobert, who asks “How do you say “I need a change of underwear” in Norwegian?”)

PRIORITIES

Student rescued from Mount Fuji goes back for his phone and has to be rescued again

(Thanks to Allen at Division, Jim Perth and Fabian Marson)

THOROUGHBRED RACING REPORT

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from bring you the Thoroughbred Racing Report.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IN FRANCE'S GENERAL DIRECTION

Night vision camera captures beaver breaking wind

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE WORD IS 'MIRACLE'

Valerie the sausage dog ‘fit and well’ after 529 days alone in Australian bush

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "The story here isn’t that she’s 'fit and well,' it’s that she’s alive.")

NEW YORK CITY

Try not to inhale.

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

Snake falls into margarita at Henrico restaurant, leaving woman traumatized

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOME OF YOU STATES SHOULD BE ASHAMED

Most popular beer in America revealed in new study

(Thanks to MOTW)

UH-OH

Trusted Toilet Paper Supplier Files for Bankruptcy

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

OR, NOT

From now through Friday, May 16, passersby can smell a giant armpit on the street, which will give them a whiff of Billie’s newest tropical-inspired scent, Coco Villa.

(Thanks to Annette)

PARENT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Texas mother arrested after bringing Jell-O shots to 5th-grade classroom party

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

 

AND IN COLLEGE SPORTS

...a USC student won the first-ever sperm race

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHO SAYS CUSTOMER SERVICE IS DEAD?

Drug Dealer Apologises For Poor-Quality Heroin and Crack Cocaine, Offers Freebies to Customers

(Thanks to Ralph)

BOO

Do You Have 'Ghost Poops'?

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

OOPS

Charity accidentally distributes drug-laced candy to around 400 people

(Thanks to EricY)

WE'RE SURE THEY'LL RETURN IT TO THE RIGHTFUL OWNERS

Dozens of Chicagoans grab $300K cash that fell off back of Brinks truck

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YOU GO, GIRLS

These apes form girl gangs to scare off aggressive males

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YET ANOTHER REASON TO BAN KARAOKE

Woman Allegedly Catches Herpes Virus by Holding Karaoke Mic Too Close to Her Mouth

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE'VE SAT NEXT TO THIS GUY

Southwest Airlines passenger allegedly stripped naked, pooped on seat as plane landed

(Thanks to Mezrap, pharmaross and Unholy Slacker)

MAKES SENSE

Belief In Satan, Hell Linked To Greater Stress

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

PROBABLY TRYING TO GET TO AUSTRALIA

'Twilight Zone' fish with fangs found on Oregon beach. 'I wouldn't touch it'

(Thanks to Rick Day)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Gwyneth Paltrow has started eating carbs and cheese again

(Thanks to EricY)

WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE

Wicklow man loses car in Cork for almost three weeks after forgetting where he parked for stag party

(Thanks to Ralph)

SO HOW WAS YOUR FLIGHT?

Army of mosquitoes take over entire plane

(Thanks to John Lobert)

AND IN SPORTS

A dancer in Cyprus may have broken a Guinness World Record by balancing 468 wine glasses on his head -- while dancing.

He may have?

(Thanks to John Lobert)

SOUNDS SCHOLARLY!

Two Bayeux scholars at loggerheads over whether dangling shape depicts dagger or the embroidery’s 94th phallus

(Thanks to The Perts, Unholy Slacker, Jan in Grimsby, Jay Brandes and Roberto)

EVERYBODY HOLD STILL

Earth’s Orbit Is Not as Stable as We Thought

(Thanks to The Perts)

YOU KNOW WHO'S BEHIND THIS

Woodpecker damages more than 20 vehicles in Massachusetts town

(Thanks to Ralph)

AUSTRALIA FINDS THIS HILARIOUS

Man in The Hague finds 2-meter snake in his bathroom; Days before animal is caught

(Thanks to Ralph)

JUST AS WE HAVE LONG SUSPECTED

Giant prehistoric kangaroos preferred to ‘chill at home’ and didn’t like to go out much, scientists say

(Thanks to Ralph)

'RIVAL BOFFINS ARE AT ODDS'

'Proof' of alien farts on distant planet questioned as scientists may be full of hot air

(Thanks to Ralph)

Rival Boffins WBAGNFARB.

THEY CAN DO THAT?

Experiments to dim the Sun will be approved within weeks

(Thanks to Geoffrey Scott, who asks "What could possibly go wrong?")

COCKTAIL OF THE DAY: STINGERS

Terrified bar-goers engulfed by swarm of 3,000 bees

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "The bar-goers wanted to catch a buzz, so what are they complaining about?")

WHICH FORTUNATELY IS RIGHT NEXT TO THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL

The perfect steak can be made in your dishwasher

(Thanks to pharmaross)

'HUMAN ATOMS?'

Extreme 'zombie star' capable of ripping human atoms apart is shooting through the Milky Way — and nobody knows where it came from

(Thanks to Steve Thompson, who says "Obviously, it came from Florida.")

AND IN SPORTS

Lake County toilet seats a hit

(Thanks to Ron T)

IN THAT CASE, SIR...

A Florida man casually offered pursuing deputies a vodka spritzer in the middle of a car chase after he allegedly stole several items from a convenience store, authorities said.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT RESEARCHERS?

Yawn contagion in fish

(Thanks to Alberto)

HERE COMES PETER (burrpppp) COTTONTAIL

Belgians hunt for hidden beers in Easter event

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "his was followed by the famous Beer Bottle Roll on the lawn of the Belgian White House.")

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE COMMITTEE:

6th grader's science experiment answers, 'Do cat buttholes touch every surface they sit on?'

(Thanks to Ralph and wiredog)

UPDATE: It has been alleged in the comments that this story is old and we already blogged it. We frankly do not have time to investigate this allegation, but as a precaution judi will be forcibly brought out of retirement and fired.

THIS USUALLY WORKS

Man urinated and told cops 'I will make you lick that pile of pish'

(Thanks to Actual Name)

OTHER THAN THAT IT WAS AN UNEVENTFUL FLIGHT

Delta passengers forced to hold plane together after ceiling collapses mid-flight

(Thanks to Ron Wylie)

SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT

Man sets off on 53-mile walk dressed as a curlew

(Thanks to Ralph)