Dave Barry's Blog

HAPPY NEW YEAR, BLOG PEOPLE. AND REMEMBER:

HIATUS UPDATE

Down here in the Faribbean Sea we are saving the planet by drinking rum drinks from these special ecological cups:

Although so far we have not seen any actual elephants. Maybe after a few more drinks.

HIATUS UPDATE: GUY PRIORITIES EDITION

So we're hiatusing on a sailboat in a secret-location body of water that we will refer to only as the Faribbean Sea, and last night there was a spectacular sunset, which most of us were admiring, but which three of the guys on board were paying zero attention to because they had to watch a replay of an NFL game on an iPad.

 

THE 2024 YEAR IN REVIEW

Here it is.  We're sorry.

ADVISORY

We have come to that time of year when we here at the Blog go on our annual hiatus. We will attempt to post sporadically if we ever get sober as events warrant, but for the most part you will have to get your news elsewhere. We'll return in a week or so, assuming we can post bail refreshed and ready to resume our duties. To keep you occupied in the meantime, here's a picture of Lucy the dog with Santa Claus (Santa Claus is on the left) (and yes, that is the actual Santa Claus).

AND IN... SPORTS?

This doesn't sound right.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE NEED TO PUT A HOME DEPOT ON MARS

Mars colonists could use blood and urine to build their homes, say scientists

(Thanks to Ron Wylie)

THIS CANNOT BE GOOD

Where squirrels collide: Are Minnesota’s southern flying squirrels overtaking their northern cousins?

(Thanks to Ron Wylie)

FINE BY US

Moose want to spend Christmas alone

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IT'S TIME WE KNEW

What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?

(Thanks to Doug in Sacramento and Ralph)

GUYS IN ACTION

Chinese man sets his pants on fire after botched 'fart lighting' stunt

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SOMEBODY'S NOT GETTING INTO HEAVEN

Boca Raton Cops Arrest Jesus On Christmas Eve

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Jay Hanna trials the viral salmon sperm facial adored by Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Aniston

(Thanks to Jim Perth)

ANYTHING TO DECLARE?

TSA finds 'surprising number of prohibited items' in woman's bag, including 82 fireworks, 3 knives

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR ACTION ADVENTURE

Deputy chases escaped rooster around church parking lot

(Thanks to John Lobert)

CANADA: LAND OF FIERCE COMPETITORS

B.C. man wins hotly contested Stick of the Year contest with piece of driftwood from Cowichan Valley

(Thanks to Ann Farr)

AND THE WHALES ARE NOT THRILLED

Scientists Are Crafting Fake Whale Poop and Dumping It in the Ocean

(Thanks to Ralph)

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HANUKKAH

...to all you wonderful, and slightly twisted, blogfolk. And always remember:

RUN RUN REINDEER

Motorcycling Santa Claus outruns Florida police in 120 mph, high-speed chase and gets away

(Thanks to pharmaross and Mezrap)

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

Stripping man accused of using Pokemon cards to attack dollar store customers Michael Gwilliam

(Thanks to Ralph)

CANADA: A NATION IN CHAOS

Newfoundland case involving moose estrogen and alleged road rage ends in acquittal

It began, as these things sometimes do, while people were out spreading moose estrogen on trees.

(Thanks to B&C)

HE'S SAYING, QUOTE, 'ARF'

The Race to Translate Animal Sounds Into Human Language

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

STAND TALL, MONOPOLY SUPERFAN

Monopoly superfan's collection breaks own Guinness World Record

(Thanks to John Lobert)

AW

Woman tells the story of her journey of learning to love moths and care take them.

(Thanks to Jane Hollestelle, who says "To be fair - it is a cool little video. But I have, um, never made this journey.")

WATCH OUT, RUDOLPH

Huge 'Christmas Eve asteroid' will skim past Earth tonight, NASA warns

(Thanks to pharmaross and Ron Wylie)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

New forms of life discovered inside human bodies

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "This does not sound like good news.")

AND IN SPOR.... WAIT, *WHAT* KIND OF TRAINING?

Former UFC Fighter Fractured Penis In BJJ Training

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THAT'S COLD, DUDE

West Palm Beach woman arrested after ex-boyfriend's $600 bong smashed

(Thanks to pharmaross)

EVERYBODY'S WORKING REMOTELY THESE DAYS

Porn star sells likeness to AI firm so she can lighten workload

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SEND THESE MEN AND THEIR CHAMELEON TO WASHINGTON

Police Arrest Two Men With Live Chameleon and Charms for Plot to Bewitch Zambian President

(Thanks to Ralph)

THEREBY SETTING UP A BULLETPROOF LEGAL DEFENSE

In an unusual incident that left Pattaya traffic police officers stunned, a muscular British man swallowed his traffic ticket and washed it down with water right in front of the Pattaya Police Station, before resisting arrest.

(Thanks to Ralph)

BOLO

Kangaroo remains on the loose in Texas after jumping fence

(Thanks to The Perts)

BUT NOT A *GOOD* THING

Drinkable Mayonnaise Is Now a Thing

(Thanks to Ron Wylie)

FESTIVE!

Ohio funeral home to be first in state to serve alcohol during services: ‘Party planner for the dead’

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "Don't ask for a stiff drink!")

HE'S AN EXPERT, SO THIS MUST BE LEGIT

Bigfoot is 'inter-dimensional shape shifter' from another world, expert claims

(Thanks to Annette)

IN THAT CASE, SIR...

A 51-year-old transient man told police his penis was his "freedom of expression" after he was arrested for exposing himself to a woman who refused to let him enter a dance studio.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

 

AND IN SPORTS

UFC veteran Matt Brown endorses 'crotch-kicking' championship

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER TOILET-SNAKE ATTACK

Snake Bites Texas Woman Sitting on Toilet in Dark

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DEFINITELY WASHINGTON MATERIAL

Japanese politician threatens to send bears to people, wants Loony Tunes-style anti-bear bombs

(Thanks to Ralph)

CANADA: A NATION GRIPPED BY TERROR

Porch pirate steals dirty diapers from Edmonton step

(Thanks to Ralph)

FLORIDA RETIREE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A man angry at a bank teller at the Chase bank on Glades Road ultimately told a Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Deputy that he was going to slit his throat and then sh-t down it.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE' DOES NOTHING

Judy Senft was psyched when she got an email saying she won a year’s worth of Charmin toilet paper. But hours later, the company sent her another email with this subject line “Oopsie, we made a Poopsie!”

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

No sex can be hazardous to your health, experts warn — here’s what happens to your body

(Thanks to pharmaross)

 

CANADA: A NATION IN CHAOS

Man arrested on motorway while towing reindeer

(Thanks to pharmaross)

JUST A BEER FOR US, THANKS

Michelin-Starred Restaurant Unveils Luxury 'Water Menu' Featuring $95 Bottle Of Melted Canadian Iceberg

(Thanks to Barry Nester and Ron T)

THOSE WERE CONSENTING SLOTHS

New discoveries could rewrite the history of early Americans — and the 4-ton sloths they lived with

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan and Al Barkafski)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Brittany Furlan Says Husband Tommy Lee Only Showers 'Once a Week' but Is 'Very Neat' and Never Gives Her the 'Ick'

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM!!!

Thousands of cabbages stolen from east Japan farms, police call for caution

(Thanks to John Grant)

WE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT THOSE PLACARDS WERE FOR

Chicago’s O’Hare Airport was the scene of a bizarre holiday brawl last week, as several travelers and even an employee took to whacking each other over the head with “wet floor” placards in one of the American Airlines terminals.

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

CSI: MEERUT

Bald Man Selling Baldness Cure For Rs 20 Causes Traffic Chaos In Meerut

(Thanks to Ralph)