Dave Barry's Blog

WHEN YOU GOTTA GO, YOU GOTTA GO

South Korean Train Conductor's 4-Minute Toilet Break Delays Commute For 125 Trains

(Thanks to Ralph)

'IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?'

When the deputy approached the car, the driver “was trying to get his finger out of a White Claw can,” the sheriff’s office said.

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

WE ASSUME YOU'RE ALSO EXPECTED TO TIP HIM

Upscale mall charging outrageous fee for kids to see Santa Claus — and you have to make reservations

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YOU MAY LAUGH, BUT HE SAVED MANY IMAGINARY LIVES

Former ‘Deputy of the Year’ charged with DUI after trying to direct traffic that didn’t exist

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE INHABITANTS WILL SURVIVE ON SEAL MEAT

China to build igloos on the Moon

(Thanks to EricY, who says "Good luck finding water.")

IN THAT CASE, SIR...

Man arrested over more than 1,000 home intrusions says it is his hobby

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Faeces, vomit offer clues to how dinosaurs rose to rule Earth

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHERE

Massive python swings out at woman while she’s opening her garage: heart-stopping video

(Thanks to John Lobert)

JUST A BEER FOR US, THANKS

Japan launches drinkable mayo for fans that just can’t get enough

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO HUMAN RIGHTS LEFT

Possessing Harry Potter’s Sword of Godric Gryffindor is now illegal in Japan

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND IN SPORTS

Chad Ochocinco Says He Soaked Ankles in Teammates' Urine to Avoid Injuries

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston, who says "This helps in avoiding political discussions at Thanksgiving as well.")

NEARLY A TWO-DAY SUPPLY

4-year-old hacks mom’s Amazon Prime account and orders 51 boxes of SpongeBob SquarePants Popsicles

(Thanks to Matt Filar) 

THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD HOLD ON TO EVERY BANANA

NYC fruit vendor, 74, who sold banana devastated after it became viral $6.2M artwork: ‘I am a poor man'

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE SAW D.C.H.S.T. OPEN FOR E.L.O.

Dangerous College Honey Sex Trend Alarms Health Experts

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

MIAMI: CITY WITH A PASSION FOR ART

Couple caught having ‘loud sex’ atop a huge elephant sculpture ahead of Art Basel in Miami Beach

(Thanks to EricY and pharmaross)

WE BLAME GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE

Raw meat rains on McDonald’s drive-thru customer’s car windshield — theories swirl to explain why

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Orcas start wearing dead salmon hats again after ditching the trend for 37 years

(Thanks to Ralph, pharmaross, Unholy Slacker and MOTW)

PAGING LES NESSMAN*

Woman drops Thanksgiving turkeys from her plane to Alaskans living off the road system

(Thanks to pharmaross)

*Here's Les.

'TOTALLY STOLE A CAR TODAY!'

Cops: Auto Thief Made Damning Journal Entry

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

In recent months, women-only “scream groups” like Miller’s have cropped up all over the world.

(Thanks to Gregory Snow)

LOOKING FOR A ONE-OF-A-KIND HOLIDAY GIFT?

Look no further.

(Thanks to Ralph)

LEAST SHOCKING NEWS ITEM OF THE DAY SO FAR

"Brown Friday": Plumbers report an uptick in service calls the day after Thanksgiving

(Thanks to pharmaross)

NOR SHOULD YOU COOK IT IN OLD FAITHFUL

Officials: Don't brine your turkey in the Great Salt Lake

(Thanks to pharmaross and John Lobert, who says "This is why we have officials.")

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Here are some helpful tips for avoiding death.

THEY WERE RELEASED AFTER ETC.

Two goats 'detained' after being caught chasing pedestrians

(Thanks to John Lobert)

ANYTHING TO DECLARE?

California Man Caught At Airport With Meth-Caked Cow Pajamas

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

BOFFINS IN ACTION

Boffins solve 'bio duck' creepy underwater quack mystery and discover 'gold mine'

(Thanks to Annette)

JUST STOP

Auction of duct-taped Cheeto Puff takes inspiration from $6.2 million banana

(Thanks to Rick Day)

JUST A BEER FOR US, THANKS

Ancient Egyptians drank a heady mix of alcohol, bodily fluids and hallucinogens during rituals, scientists say

(Thanks to EricY)

IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THERE, YOU'RE PROBABLY LOST

Whale spotted in NYC's East River this week, Coast Guard says

(Thanks to Ralph)

DUH. THE SQUIRRELS.

Earth's axis tilts 31.5 inches - and scientists pinpoint exactly who is to blame

(Thanks to Steve K.)

TO BOLDLY GO

Stranded NASA astronauts are surviving on soup made from their own urine

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

YET ANOTHER REASON NOT TO SHOWER WITH DOCTORS

Doctors say it’s fine to pee in the shower

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Explosive Study Reveals How Squirting Cucumber Engorges And Erupts, Shooting Seeds 10 Meters

(Thanks to John Lobert)

*LAST YEAR?* HOW ABOUT 1993?

1 in 4 people still carrying weight from holidays last year!

PAGING SIGOURNEY WEAVER

In space no one can sniff your smells: Odor from Russian spacecraft leaves scientists baffled

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

CANADA: A NATION IN CHAOS

A container full of teddy bears is stuck in the St. Lawrence.

(Thanks to The Perts and Doug Ogg)

THEY'RE GOING TO BUILD A GIANT ELEMENTARY-SCHOOL DESK

Scientists Have Finally Worked Out How to Save Earth from a Huge Asteroid

(Thanks to EricY)

THE COFFIN ALONE COST THREE GRAND

Family Spends $4,500 On Funeral For SUV

(Thanks to Ralph)

CANADA: A NATION GRIPPED BY TERROR

Wilowhead Family Farm is both puzzled and amused over a huge load of cabbages that showed up at their farm and is trying to find where they belong

(Thanks to The Perts)

KEEP THOSE BAUBLES OUT OF THE EGGNOG

Nudists to get their baubles out as UK village pub hosts naked Christmas dinner

(Thanks to Allen at Division) 

WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS ORDER YOUR STEAK WELL DONE

An Australian woman has shared a “disgusting” find in a steak she ordered at a restaurant, with footage showing live maggots wriggling inside the meat.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IT'S SOME KIND OF TRICK, AND THE SQUIRRELS ARE BEHIND IT

Deer spotted wearing high-visibility safety jacket in Northern B.C.

(Thanks to Doug Ogg and Ralph)

CANADA: LAND OF... OK, WE HAVE NO IDEA

Witless Bay man working to preserve, restore Newfoundland railway speeders

(Thanks to Ann Farr)

WE SAW PPZ OPEN FOR THE STONES

Billionaires will soon be able to buy pills that extend their lives - leaving "posh, privileged zombies" roaming the Earth, it has been claimed.

(Thanks to Ralph)

Come to think of it, the Stones are posh, privileged zombies.

WISCONSIN: STATE OF CULTURE

It’s a 46,000-square-foot cheese (and sausage, souvenir, sandwich and liquor) store, where a shopper can pick up 15-year aged cheddar, gummy worms, a case of local beer and a polyurethane foam cheese hat in a single, rapturous trip. There are stained-glass windows and two ornate thrones.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

R.I.P.

Alice Brock, who helped inspire Arlo Guthrie’s classic 'Alice's Restaurant,' dies at 83

(Thanks to The Perts)

Here's her song.

ALWAYS CHECK THE PULSE BEFORE LIGHTING THE PYRE

An Indian man awoke on a funeral pyre moments before it was to be set on fire after a doctor skipped a postmortem, medical officials said Saturday.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

AND IN SPORTS

Inside the race to be crowned North Carolina’s sexiest collard farmer

GALS LOVE A ROMANTIC GESTURE

Florida man launches rocket at girlfriend, bounces around car, explodes in his crotch instead

(Thanks to Ralph)