Dave Barry's Blog

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Miami Dolphins fans can now experience the...unique scent of Odell Beckham Jr.'s jockstrap.

We're hoping this is a joke. But we're not sure. 

Considering the way the Dolphins are playing, this would be an appropriate odor.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE NEW YORK TIMES:

Mucus: It’s Snot What You Think

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner, who says "Paper of record tackles the issues.")

IT NEVER GETS OLD

Astronomers Found Something Cold and Wet Near Uranus

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHEN YOU PULL THAT LEVER, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN

Woman Doused In Feces While Gambling At Casino

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HUNDREDS OF WHAT?

A 63-year-old man has been arrested after hundreds of truckles of cheddar, worth more than £300,000, were stolen from London cheese specialist Neal’s Yard Dairy.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

SO ABOUT HALF AS FAST AS JERRY LEE LEWIS

Romanian pianist hits piano key 500 times in 30 seconds

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "I think I'll pass on Romanian music.")

IT'S FLYING, YES, BUT IT'S NOT A CAR

‘Flying car’ gets off ground, with a person aboard

(Thanks to Rick Day)

CANADA: A NATION IN CHAOS

B.C. woman continues to be paid for a federal government job she has never worked

(Thanks to B&C and Doug Ogg, who says "Send this woman to Washington!")

DO THEY TAKE VENMO?

Russian court fines Google $20,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan, Barry Nester and Ron Wylie, who says "Google can find this much in their couch cushions.")

WE DON'T SEE THIS AS A MAJOR ISSUE, IF THERE ARE ONLY THREE OF THEM

‘Insect alert:’ Experts warn trio of bugs could soon ‘flood’ Ohio homes

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Student accidentally finds lost city in Mexico after Google search

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

BE CAREFUL OUT THERE

Ohio officer ‘attacked’ by giant runaway pumpkin — months after turkeys chased him down during traffic stop in viral video

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias, who says "I really hope a reality show starts following this police officer.")

Yes, we posted a version of this story several weeks ago. But hey, it's Halloween.

IF YOU HAVE ONE IN YOUR HOME, GET OUT *NOW*

St. Augustine couple’s shower door explodes in middle of the night

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

THANK GOD FOR STUDIES

Typing monkey would be unable to produce 'Hamlet' within the lifetime of the universe, study finds

(Thanks to Doug in Sacramento. Ed. Floden and Roberto)

Bob Newhart knew this in 1963.

THEY GET IT FROM THE SQUIRRELS

Lions and tigers and beers: Yes, even animals seek out alcohol in the wild

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, Jim Kenaston, Ed. Floden and Ralph)

Related: Boozy Asian hornets revealed as heavyweights able to swig pints without getting drunk

(Thanks to Ralph)

We saw Boozy Asian Hornets open for Cream.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Lucy's going as a ghost.

IT WAS ILLEGAL?

Jaywalking legalized in New York City

(Thanks to Doug Ogg and The Perts)

SO, ONE STAR?

Florida Uber Eats driver accused of spitting in Davenport customer’s face, stealing food and fall yard décor

(Thanks to pharmaross)

NO WORD ON WHETHER HE WASHED HIS HANDS AFTER

Doctor who urinated in hospital sink struck off

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HAVE ANOTHER SLICE, DUDE

Pizza shop issues apology after customers get high from eating THC-contaminated pies

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

HE HAD HIS REASONS

Blue-bearded man accused of threatening to blow up Ulta Beauty store in Alabama

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

SOMEHOW THIS FAILS TO WHET OUR APPETITE

This month, two states ruled by India's governing Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) announced plans to impose hefty fines and imprisonment for contaminating food with spit, urine and dirt.

(Thanks to B&C, who say "So that's the secret sauce!")

FRANCE ON HIGHEST POSSIBLE ALERT

180-Foot Fountain of Feces Erupts From Sewer in Dramatic Video

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

CANADA: A NATION RULED BY FEAR

'We can't control them': Clothing recyclers frustrated by criminals operating in donation bin industry

(Thanks to The Perts)

SEND IT TO WASHINGTON

OBSCURE FUNGUS SHOWS SIGNS OF RUDIMENTARY INTELLIGENCE

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

We saw Obscure Fungus open for the Troggs.

NEW YORK CITY WILL NO LONGER TOLERATE THESE OUT-OF-CONTROL TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET LOOKALIKE CONTESTS

Police Break Up Chalamet Look-Alike Contest That Drew Large Crowd and the Real Timothée

(Thanks to Steve K. and Jeff Meyerson)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

LEAF BLOWER ATTACHED TO ROBOTIC DOG

(Thanks to John Lobert, who notes that "We were promised flying cars.")

NEW HAMPSHIRE: LIVE FREE OR BURPPPP

Which U.S. States Consume The Most Beer?

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THEY ARE INFILTRATING OUR MOST CHERISHED INSITUTIONS

A squirrel scores a TD in the Oklahoma-Ole Miss game

(Thanks to pharmaross, Rodney Bertelsen and John Lobert)

IT'S IMPORTANT THAT YOUNG PEOPLE LEARN MANNERS

A Coconut Creek man has been charged with assault with a deadly weapon after allegedly threatening his son with a machete for forgetting to wish him a happy birthday.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

Rocket Launch Threatened by Sliced Cheese Stuck on Leg

(Thanks to Ralph)

DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK?

Is a bulletproof alligator wandering through Florida?

(Thanks top Steve Thompson, who says "Yes.")

HEH HEH

Penile fillers are on the rise.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

POLICE HAVE PLENTY TO GO ON

Rindge police arrest two, seize over 1,000 toilet paper rolls in alleged vandalism attempt

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

THE CONSUMMATE HOST

Snoop Dogg Confirms He Has A Staffer Who Makes Sure People He’s Smoking Marijuana With Don’t Get Too High

(Thanks to Ralph)

BECAUSE THE BARS THERE STAY OPEN LATER?

Why do nearly all of Vancouver's crows fly to Burnaby at night?

(Thanks to The Perts)

THEY WILL STOP AT NOTHING

Squirrel with Absolutely Zero Shame Steals Woman's Pastry Right Out of Her Hands

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

PLEASE CELEBRATE RESPONSIBLY

Happy Bat Week.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR FIFTY TONNES OF FATBERGS

Fraudsters steal 22 tonnes of high-value cheddar

(Thanks to Jim Perth, The Perts and John Lobert)

CANADA: A NATION UNDER SIEGE

Metro Vancouver removes 50 tonnes of 'fatbergs' from Richmond, B.C., sewers

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

We saw Fifty Tonnes of Fatbergs open for Meat Loaf.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Silicon Valley’s Elite Pour Money Into Blotting Out the Sun

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

The U.S. empire was built on bird dung

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

CANADA: A NATION IN CHAOS

Butter shoplifters strike again! Two more large-scale thefts reported in Guelph, Ont.

(Thanks to MAC)

DOES THAT MEAN WE CAN'T LEGALLY EAT IT? BECAUSE WE ALREADY DON'T WANT TO.

Pie and mash, a traditional Cockney dish, might soon get protected status in the U.K.

(Thanks to The Perts)

SHE SUSTAINED 'SEVERE BODILY INJURIES'*

JetBlue passenger sues after being served ‘dangerously cold’ ice cream sandwich

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

*A fractured tooth.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO

18-wheeler crash spills beer all over I-70

(Thanks to pharmaross)

NOTHING YOU CAN MAKE UP ABOUT THE ART WORLD IS AS STUPID AS THE ACTUAL ART WORLD

When a banana duct-taped to a wall sold for $120,000 in 2019, social media uproar and an age-old debate about the meaning of art ensued. But artist Maurizio Cattelan’s viral creation, titled “Comedian,” may yet prove a sound investment: On Friday, auction house Sotheby’s announced that one of the artwork’s three “editions” is going back on sale — this time with an estimate of $1 million to $1.5 million.

(Thanks to EricY and pharmaross)

THE SOURCE OF THIS INFORMATION IS A LAWYER

Aliens are 'abducting humans, stealing eggs and sperm and creating hybrid monsters'

(Thanks to pharmaross)

RACCOONS ARE BASICALLY FAT SQUIRRELS WEARING MASKS

Sam’s Club Temporarily Closed Due to Loose Raccoon in Bakery

(Thanks to Ralph)

Loose Raccoon is currently on tour with Beyonce.

WE SAW C.G.O.S.O.S.C.H.S. OPEN FOR E.L.O.

Creepy ‘glowing’ orange sack of self-cloning hermaphrodite slime hauled from river leaving experts baffled

(Thanks to Annette and Mezrap)