Dave Barry's Blog

FLARRRRRRRRRRIDA

For the second time in two years, a Florida Woman has been arrested for a dildo-related domestic battery.

(Thanks to Carlos Montage)

IMAGINE THE SNEEZES, ME HEARTIES

Hay fever may have led to extinction of woolly mammoths

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

ONLY KEITH RICHARRRRRRDS CAN SETTLE THIS, ME HEARTIES

Scientist Disputes That Big Bang Actually Happened

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

TIME FOR SCHOOLIN', ME HEARTIES

Pirate Lingo 101

(Thanks to Jeff Meyarrrrrson)

WE BE DISTRAUGHT

Tupperware, iconic food container brand, files for bankruptcy

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston, Steve K. and MOTW, who says "Time for a benefit concert with RBR so Dave can sing The Tupperware Song!")

AND IN SPARRRRRRRTS

Florida Python Challenge winner awarded $10K grand prize for killing 20 Burmese pythons

(Thanks to pharrrrrrrrmaross and The Parrrrrrrrts)

THAT BE RIGHT NEIGHBARRRRRRRLY

California man accidentally pays neighbor's power bill for years

(Thanks to Long John Lobert)

IT ALWAYS BE THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK, MATEY

California woman finds marmot hiding in her engine

(Thanks to John Lobarrrrrt)

NEED A PIRATE NAME, ME HEARTY?

Here be a Pirate Name Generatarrrrrrr.

A FLARRRRRIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE BE ON THE WAY

An Incredible Organism Is Evolving at Lightning Speed—Faster Than We Ever Imagined Possible

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

AHOY, MATEYS!

Today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day. The Wikipedia arrrrrrticle be here, and this blog's arrrrriginal column be here. the So let's get out there and shiver them timbers, haul them keels and swash them buckles. We be exhausted already.

BE GRATEFUL IT WASN'T A GATOR, CONNECTICUT MAN

Connecticut man surprised by garage-invading bear

(Thanks to John Lobert)

We saw Garage-Invading Bear open for Entangled Badger.

YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD

Eating grasshoppers might improve your sleep, hair, and libido

(Thanks to EricY)

AND IN SPORTS

Entangled badger rescued from Arizona soccer net

(Thanks to MOTW and John Lobert, who says he saw them open for the Monkees)

TIME TO GET PRODUCTIVE WITH A PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER

We're seeing orange.

(Thanks to MOTW)

CASE CLOSED

Bloke swimming across Loch Ness ‘touched by something big under water’

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "This settles it for me.")

THERE IS NOTHING MORE UNNATURAL THAN NATURE

New wasp species bursts from flies like horrifying ‘Alien’ creatures

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

SO THAT'S.... GOOD?

People who exercise have healthier belly fat, new study finds

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

FINALLY SCIENCE DOES SOMETHING USEFUL

One day, we may all have brain chips to help remember where our keys are: scientists

(Thanks to Jim Perth)

WE'RE GUESSING COLD

WHAT WAS PUBERTY LIKE FOR ICE AGE TEENS?

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE A BILL OF RIGHTS?

Delta is reminding prospective flight attendants that they must wear 'proper' underwear to their interviews

(Thanks to Ron Wylie and Barry Nester)

THE JOKES WRITE THEMSELVES

Semi carrying load of toilet paper rolls over, blocks SR 18 near I-90

(Thanks to B'game)

THEY'RE GETTING EVEN MORE BRAZEN, PEOPLE

Train cancelled after squirrels board and ‘refuse to leave’

(Thanks to Ralph and Annette)

IT'S EXACTLY WHERE WE THOUGHT IT WAS

The rudest city in the US might not be where you think it is

(Thanks to pharmaross and Michael Parry)

YET ANOTHER REASON TO STOP

Study: Breathing might bring microplastics into brain

(Thanks to Ron Wylie)

THE PENGUIN CAMPAIGNED FIERCELY?

Rare smelly penguin wins New Zealand bird of the year after fierce campaign

(Thanks to Ron Wylie)

A GAL'S GOTTA SHOP

8-year-old girl found driving to local Target

(Thanks to Steve Thompson, Ralph, EricY, John Lobert and MOTW)

EVERYBODY DUCK *NOW*

NASA issues alert for stadium sized asteroid passing earth Tuesday

(Thanks to EricY and MOTW)

IT'S A GEICO COMMERCIAL

Deep space transmission reaches Earth 8 billion years later

(Thanks to John Lobert)

NOW DO BEER

Scientists Just Discovered That Drinking Coffee Seems to Counteract the Terrible Health Effects of Sitting All Day

(Thanks to Rick Day)

WE SAW VIRAL HIPPO OPEN FOR PHISH

Zoo Director Threatens Lawsuits After Mistreatment of Viral Hippo

(Thanks to Alan West)

IT WAS IN THE BASEMENT

International Space Station Crew Finds A Long-Lost Tomato

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

We vaguely recall that we already posted this. But better safe than sorry with a story of this magnitude.

WHEW

A Distant Spacecraft Has Confirmed That Earth Is Habitable

(Thanks to Robert Moats, Barry Nester and Annette) 

PERSONAL FOUL

Matt LaFleur reacts to Packers center vomiting on ball: 'First time I've heard that'

(Thanks to pharmaross and Ron Wylie)

THE NAME THEY USE IS 'CHAMP'

These Monkeys Call One Another by Name

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "This is precisely why we have studies.")

 

AND IN SPORTS

Missouri water lily holds 142 pounds of sandbags, wins worldwide contest

(Thanks to The Perts)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE SWIMMING NEAR NEW SMYRNA BEACH, FL:

Get out of the water now.

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

THESE KIDS TODAY

Gen Z employees are entitled, too easily offended, lazy and generally unprepared for the workplace — according to their bosses.

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Cat stuck in 10-metre-deep tank at sewage plant rescued

(Thanks to Geoffrey Scott)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Buckingham Palace guard slips and lands on his butt while on duty

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

SO THEY CAN VOTE *AND* DRIVE IN FLORIDA

Organisms Created in Laboratory Are "Third State" Beyond Life and Death, Scientists Say

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

'WE EAT A LOT OF FIBER'

Why Going on Daily ‘Fart Walks’ Is Great for Your Health, According to an Award-Winning Cookbook Author

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

THOSE THINGS SHOULD NOT EVEN BE LEGAL

Arizona man blows Lego out of nose after three decades: 'I can breathe now'

(Thanks to Ron Wylie and Dave Vander Ark, who both say "Always the last place you look.")

'THE SQUIRREL WAS EATING ME'

Police find squirrel in Florida man’s shirt during traffic stop

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOUNDS LEGIT

'Time traveller' says he's comes back from 2671 to warn of 5 'danger' events this year

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "We should listen to this guy.") 

WE CAN NEVER TELL THEM APART

Vessel rescued in English Channel after emergency call to Dover, Delaware, instead of Dover, England

(Thanks to Ron Wylie)

WELL IN THAT CASE, MA'AM....

Woman says God gave her permission to steal from Walmart

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

WE ASSUME THE SURGERY IS TO MAKE HIM STOP

Man plays trombone during brain surgery

(Thanks to B&C)

AND IN SPORTS

We broke the record for World’s Largest Charcuterie Board, with more than 1,032 pounds of cured meats and cheeses!

Horseback wrestling to sheep bone tossing: Highlights from the World Nomad Games

(Thanks to John Lobert)

PLAIN AS DAY

Loch Ness monster's 'twin' discovered as 'two large' mysterious shapes captured

(Thanks to Annette)