Dave Barry's Blog

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Now you can dress up as a sexy Ozempic shot for Halloween

(Thanks to Ralph)

HAVING SOLVED ALL OF ITS OTHER PROBLEMS....

California is first state to banish Froot Loops from school cafeterias

(Thanks to The Perts)

MVP

Chicago Cubs player throws beer money to fans in left field stands

(Thanks to Ron Wylie)

This would never happen in Miami, because there are no fans in the stands.

WE'RE ALMOST THERE!

Senator Flynn introduces memorandum for flying cars

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

SO IT CAN LIVE ANOTHER DAY

Hyper-realistic inflatable alligator rescued from creek in Lebanon County

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE CRICKETS

Randy bum-biting spiders set to march into homes and mate in our dirty pants

(Thanks to Annette)

AND IN COLLEGE SPORTS

Auburn cheerleader knocks down Oklahoma player running onto field while performing stunts

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Spanish Armada galleon sails into London 400 years late

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

WE SAW UNHINGED GROUNDHOG OPEN FOR THE ANIMALS

Hogwild drama unfolds as hero teen thwarts unhinged groundhog’s attack on jogger

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

PET-LOVING GUYS IN ACTION

A man trying to cremate his dog sparked a wildfire in Colorado, authorities say

(Thanks to Rodney Bertelsen)

WHEN WE THINK BRIDGERTON...

...we think pole dancer.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BEGORRAH

The Loch Ness Monster is in Ireland now.

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "Very convincing video!")

YOU KNOW WHAT TO (BURRRPPPP) DO

It's National Drink Beer Day.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Appropriately enough, tomorrow is National Coffee Day.

(Thanks to EricY)

WHY A BEAR HAS A GARAGE WE'LL NEVER KNOW

Bear charges at British Columbia man inside his garage

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "I think we can just write Canada off.")

WE'RE SEEING THE STATUE OF LIBERTY, BUT EITHER WAY IT'S A MIRACLE

Woman spots Freddie Mercury in chewing gum stuck to car park floor

(Thanks to Annette)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL? II

Scientists discover bacteria found in armpits and groins in Earth’s atmosphere

(Thanks to Ron Wylie)

ANYTHING TO DECLARE?

About 748 pounds of bologna, 280 boxes of undeclared prescription medications and $7,600 in concealed currency were confiscated by Border Patrol agents during an inspection at the “port of entry” in the border city of Presidio

(Thanks to Ron Wylie)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Watch moment enormous ‘POO-CANO’ sends human waste shooting 33ft into air before raining and drenching cars

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THERE IS HOPE FOR THE FUTURE

Pa. student spent years building world's tallest hat

(Thanks to John Lobert)

'CLAUDE THE CLAW'

Birdbox's signature chicken sandwich comes with leg attached

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Poland’s Donald Tusk declares war on beavers

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THEY MAKE GREAT PETS

Salps: The world's fastest-growing animals that look like buckets of snot

(Thanks to Ron Wylie)

TIME FOR A BENEFIT CONCERT

A group of self-described “beautiful” people have exposed the disadvantages of being incredibly good-looking.

(Thanks to Robert Moats and Jim Perth, who says "It’s quite a cross to bear, but I’m stronger for it.")

NOW WITH ADDED PROTEIN!

Toad found in bagged salad bought from grocery store

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "Always the last place you look.")

'BEAUTY'

Squiggle Eyebrows And Lips Instagram Beauty Trend

(Thanks to John Lobert)

AND IN SPORTS

The chunkiest of chunks face off in Alaska's Fat Bear Week

(Thanks to Ron Wylie, who says "I'm thinking spirit animal here.")

YOU'RE WELCOME, CANADA

New photo shows UFO hovering over Canada before it was shot down by US fighter jet

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and EricY) 

YOU WANT CHEESE ON THAT MUMM\Y?

Mysterious white substance smeared on 3,600-year-old mummies is world's oldest cheese

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston and Ralph)

PARTY LIKE IT'S 1624

Cocaine found in 400-year-old mummified brain tissue stuns experts

(Thanks to Rick Day)

SO BASICALLY LIKE EVERY DAY IN WASHINGTON

Bozo fan Billy Corgan plans three-day celebration of beloved clown

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

WE NEED TO BUILD A WALL

How Canada convinced the world to eat engine lubricant

(Thanks to The Perts)

BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT

Do I Have ‘Eyebrow Blindness’?

FLORIDAAAAAAAA

Florida man brings drugs to beach and locks self in own trunk–then the sun goes down

(Thanks to Ralph)

THESE KIDS TODAY

Gen Z men can’t locate a woman’s clitoris, shocking new research shows

(Thanks to pharmaross)

JUST ANOTHER DAY IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

5:21 a.m. A woman woke up to her husband threatening to flush his wedding ring down the toilet.

9:13 a.m. A naked man was pushing a refrigerator down the sidewalk.

9:47 a.m. A man in a “pointing a gun stance” was facing off against a cow.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

LAW-ENFORCEMENT PROFESSIONAL OF THE WEEK SO FAR

At one point, an officer walked into an MRI room, past a sign warning that metal was prohibited inside, with his rifle “dangling… in his right hand, with an unsecured strap,” the lawsuit said. The MRI machine’s magnetic force then allegedly sucked his rifle across the room, pinning it against the machine.

(Thanks to PirateBoy)

NOBODY TELL OREGON

Danish park uses dynamite to trim tree branches

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE'VE ALL DONE IT

Ford Wants To Protect You From Accidentally Trafficking Drugs

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

UH-OH

Massive ocean sunfish washes up in Oregon

(Thanks to John Lobert)

POLICE HAVE NOTHING ETC.

Police officer leaves her job after 'stealing toilet rolls from own police station'

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

AS IF WE NEED AN EXCUSE

Human cases of raccoon parasite may be your best excuse to buy a flamethrower

(Thanks to Ralph)

STEP ONE: GET NAKED

Mathematicians Discover the Perfect Way to Multiply

(Thanks to Robert Moats, who says "I think we should notify the folks at Division about this.")

THE TREE WAS TAKEN

SUV spotted parked atop dumpster in Florida

(Thanks to MOTW)

TO WARD OFF HURRICANES?

Why are people hanging toilet seats off of Florida's coast?

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

WHAT'S THAT GLOW?

Three Mile Island nuclear plant is reopening to help power Microsoft data centers

(Thanks to Rod Nunley, who asks "What could possibly go wrong?") 

A FLAWLESS PLAN

Florida man snorts cocaine to hide evidence after fleeing traffic stop, troopers say

(Thanks to PirateBoy)

WHY THE PIG WAS USING A GAME CONTROLLER WE'LL NEVER KNOW

Remote surgery performed on a pig 9,000 km away using a game controller

(Thanks to John Lobert)

BELIEVE YOUR EYES, PEOPLE

New footage suggests there may be two Loch Ness monsters

And if that's not enough proof for you: Loch Ness Monster hunters given fresh hope after canoeists 'thumped' in mystery encounter

That's right: THERE WAS A THUMP.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

NO NEED TO SEND A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

‘Miracle’ as woman who crashed £80k Porsche through wall of Florida car park is saved by tree

(Thanks to Ron Wylie)

This happened in this blog's neighborhood. We are grateful that we have trees here, to save us.

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

North Vancouver utility taps raw sewage to heat homes

(Thanks to The Perts)