Dave Barry's Blog

HE SPENT 'A SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF TIME' IN THE LAVATORY

A Texas man was arrested after boarding a Delta Air Lines flight in Salt Lake City on Sunday without a ticket by using a photo he took of another passenger’s boarding pass while they were not looking, according to court documents.

(Thanks to Steve K.)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Tribe that wash with cow urine and use dung as toothpaste guard herd with machine guns

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE ALL DO

NASA’s Hubble Finds that Aging Brown Dwarfs Grow Lonely

(Thanks to Mary Smith)

THEY HAVE RETAINED COUNSEL

More than 100 hibernating bears evicted from Tahoe homes this spring

(Thanks to Ralph)

HIGHER ED

Vermont college offering course on ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic

(Thanks to Doug Ogg and Al Barkafski)

THE 'ELIGIBLE ITEMS' INCLUDE CHILI

Wendy’s is delivering food by drone for the first time

(Thanks to Zaphod)

What could possibly go wrong?

SOUNDS... FUN?

Blink-182 star Tom DeLonge sinks to his knees and VOMITS from heat stroke during sweltering Paraguay concert... then finishes show anyway

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

ADVISORY

Adultery may soon be legal in the Empire State

(Thanks to GJ)

THEN HOW COME THEY ALL POSSESS VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES?

CHP says 'imaginary friends' don't count in the carpool lane, Bay Area driver busted

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

'DEFENSIVE DEFECATION'

Sperm Whales Battle Hunting Orcas With Cloud Of Diarrhea In Rarely Recorded Moment

(Thanks to Linda Schutjer)

ATTENTION, HYPOCHONDRIACS:

Do NOT, under any circumstances, click on this.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Roberto)

FRANCE ON HIGHEST POSSIBLE ALERT

Fresh epidemic fears of 'zombies' overrunning UK towns in impending 'summer of death'

(Thanks to Annette)

THANK GOD FOR STUDIES

Toddlers Smell Like Flowers, Teens Smell ‘Goatlike,’ Study Finds

(Thanks to Tim Couch, Asher Scheiner and GJ)

ASKED HOW IT GOT THERE, THE MAN 'COULD NOT PROVIDE A CLEAR ANSWER'

Doctors Remove Live Eel from Man’s Abdomen in Bizarre Medical Emergency

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT HAS HAPPENED TO ALL OF US

Newly discovered Australian beetle almost mistaken for bird poo

(Thanks to Ralph, GJ, B&C, Michael Parry and Barry Nester, who asks "Is it venomous?") (Duh)

ESPECIALLY IF YOU JOG IN MIAMI TRAFFIC

Jogging to blow off steam could actually make you angrier

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w, who say "That's why we ride the couch.")

AND WHAT DO YOU DO?

In her own quest to become a solo mother by choice, investigative journalist Valerie Bauman has spent the past four years embedded in the world of freelance sperm donation

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

AND IN SPORTS BRUISES

But when Adam glanced down at his right leg he spotted a familiar sight – the mark was a dead ringer for the Duke of Sussex.

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "Looks like Nessie to me.")

OTHER THAN THAT, A CONSUMMATE PROFESSIONAL

Real estate agent accidentally burned down house ahead of open house

(Thanks to Jim Perth)

HOW BIG IS THAT IN ASTEROIDS?

Boulder the size of a large boulder removed after blocking Highway 21

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

YET ANOTHER REASON NOT TO HANDLE REPTILES

An experienced South African reptile handler nearly lost his genitals after a massive 15-foot crocodile bit him between the legs in a horror attack that was caught on camera by tourists

(Thanks to Rick Day)

IN THE CENTER, A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

500-pound ball of pythons found in Florida marsh

(Thanks to many people)

NUMBER 1 IS DEFINITELY GUILTY OF SOMETHING

Why a California police department is replacing suspects’ faces with Lego heads

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

They panic-bought bidets during the pandemic. It changed their lives.

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

'COMPELLING' IS ONE WAY TO DESCRIBE THEM

A photographer has revealed 'compelling' photographs of the Loch Ness Monster after keeping them a secret for five years.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley, who says "The clearest photos of the Loch Ness floating trash bags yet.")

'UNSURPRISINGLY, A LONG TIME'

How long would it take to walk around Mars?

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

IN THE TRUNK OF A 1,900-YEAR-OLD BUICK

1,800-year-old Roman statue discovered in parking lot

(Thanks to Ron T)

SPEAKING OF KNIFE-WIELDING:

This is very bad.

(Thanks to Debbie in the Hague)

HEIST OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Knife-wielding NYC bandits steal more than $200 in Bounty paper towels — but their scheme went down the tubes

(Thanks to Ralph)

IF SCIENTISTS SAY IT, WE BELIEVE IT

An exercise pill may soon offer the same benefits as a workout, scientists say

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)

WE'VE BEEN TALKING TO OUR PET FOR YEARS

I can hear what animals think – and you can talk to your pet with this simple trick

(Thanks to John Lobert)

Related: Overworked South Koreans Unwind With Pet Rocks—‘Like Talking to Your Dog’

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOME OF US MAJORED IN THAT LONG AGO

The union between APPLETON PRIVATE UNIVERSITY and the INTERNATIONAL NIGHTLIFE ASSOCIATION (INA) has created the first FACULTY OF NIGHTLIFE STUDIES in the world, marking a milestone in the nightlife industry.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

WE MIGHT AS WELL SHRED THE SO-CALLED 'BILL OF RIGHTS'

Shopper banned from Buc-ee’s after bringing his service duck inside Tennessee store

(Thanks to Ralph) 

NOW EVERYBODY'S GOING TO WANT ONE

Cow crashes wedding with perfectly timed mooing

(Thanks to Ron T)

THEY'RE TRAINED IN CPR

Genetically Modified Pigs Might Save Your Life

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

WHEN BUYING A CAR, ALWAYS GET THE FLOTATION OPTION

Fleeing suspect ends up in Pacific Ocean after wild pursuit in Los Angeles

(Thanks to man tom)

FOR SOME OF US, THIS IS EVERY DAY

Hundreds in Mexico City stretch out for a 'mass nap' to commemorate World Sleep Day

(Thans to The Perts) 

NATURE CAN BE CRUEL

First-of-Their-Kind Pics Capture The Moment a Seal Spat at a Swooping Eagle

(Thanks to GJ)

'THE OWNER'S STATE LICENSE TO KEEP THE ALLIGATOR EXPIRED IN 2021'

Authorities seize ailing alligator kept illegally in New York home's swimming pool

Well in that case, sir: Cavallaro said he treated the alligator like it was his kid and that he never put anyone in danger.

(Thanks to The Perts, Jeff Meyerson and Ed. Floden)

New York licenses alligator owners?

AND IN WEIRD SPORTS TROPHIES

Wales have lost against Italy in the final game of the 2024 Six Nations Championship, meaning they will receive the Wooden Spoon for the first time in 21 years.

(Thanks to Mezrap)

HEY, IT'S AN ATTRACTIVE BREED

Toronto dog DNA testing company IDs woman as 40% Alaskan Malamute

(Thanks to Ralph)

Another Version: Pet DNA testing company in doghouse after identifying human as canine

(Thanks to Prairie Cynic, who says "There's been suggestions that I am the illegitimate offspring of a Rotweiler.")

WE'RE PRETTY SURE THIS IS SPECIFIED IN THE CONSTITUTION

US government agencies demand fixable ice cream machines

(Thanks to Ralph)

MARCH 17

It's International Talk Like an Irish Person Day, a.k.a. St. Patrick's Day. Have good one out there. Begorrah! ("Begorrah" is the traditional sound you make in the bathroom after you've had six or seven too many beers.)

THE CHANTING HAS BEEN OFF THE HOOK

Thai Buddhist monks in temple test positive for meth

(Thanks to Eric Y)

ANTELOPES IN THE NEWS

Unfortunately this blog's strict policy prohibits us from bringing you Antelopes in the News.

(Thanks to Ralph) 

SPORTS UPDATE

Missouri museum takes world record for wearing underwear as hats

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WE ASSUME IT'S VENOMOUS

Giant blueberry grown in Australia smashes Guinness World Record for heaviest ever

(Thanks to B&C, The Perts, Ron T and Al Barkafski)

ANTS IN SPACE!

The burning acid behind ant stings was spotted around two stars

(Thanks to The Perts)

MEN WOULD ALSO LIKE TO KNOW

Women are only just learning why bras close at the back rather than the front

(Thanks to Rick Day and John Lobert)

WE HAVE MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT THIS

Japanese inventor of karaoke dies at 100

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)