Dave Barry's Blog

AND THEY ALL HAVE VALID ETC.

Trillions of bugs to swarm in ‘once-per-221-years’ mating frenzy in weeks – it last happened to the Founding Fathers

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, Ron T and Doug Ogg)

FLORIDA'S IS URANUS

Pluto is now Arizona's 'official planet'

(Thanks to Ralph)

SPORTS UPDATE

Minor league baseball team keeping pig mascot’s name ‘Ozempig’ despite accusations of fat shaming

(Thanks to Roberto)

SEZ YOU

No, pork rinds are not healthier than vegetables, and there is no study that proves it

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

We're going out to the garden to pick some fresh porks.

YEAH, THAT'LL DEFINITELY MAKE THEM CUT BACK

England and Scotland fans warned German beer is stronger ahead of Euro 2024

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

YOU KNOW WHO'S GIVING THE ORDERS

Rampaging monkey gangs are terrorising a Thai tourist town, causing cops to arm themselves with slingshots and tranquiliser guns to combat the 'dangerous' primates.

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

THEY'RE CLAIMING IT'S NOT THE LEGISLATURE

Source of ghastly urine-flatulence combination stench boggles Albany officials

(Thanks to Annette)

HAPPY EASTER, BLOG PEOPLE

Here's your Bunny Tracker.

GOOD THING IT WASN'T A CAT

Dog digging in Florida yard unearths decades-old military bomb

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "DON'T FETCH.")

NEVER LEAVE A CAT IN YOUR CAR

Video shows pair of aggressive dogs tear through a car to get to a cat inside

(Thanks to Steve K.)

HE WILL BE RECEIVING A DRIVER'S LICENSE AND A DIPLOMA FROM FLORIDA

9-year-old California boy leads police on chase while driving himself to school

(Thanks to Geoff Scott)

AND IN SPORTS

Notre Dame star Hannah Hidalgo misses over 4 minutes in Sweet 16 to remove nose ring

(Thanks to Steve K.)

PAGING LES NESSMAN

Children race to collect marshmallows dropped from a helicopter at a Detroit-area park

(Thanks to Ralph, who says "As God is my witness, I thought...")

FOR ONLY $4,000

This Balenciaga Bracelet Looks Exactly Like A Roll Of Tape

(Thanks to Ralph)

HE 'REPLACED THE WIENER WITH A CUCUMBER'

Comedian Ed Gamble has been ordered to change a subway station poster campaign for his new standup show because the image of a hot dog violated the transit network’s ban on junk food advertising.

(Thanks to The Perts)

LOW-SPEED CHASE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Watch police try to stop 75,000-lb. machine in 'unbelievable chase'

(Thanks to Steve K.)

MAYBE THEY WERE JUST KINKY EAGLES

Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources official separates pair of eagles found stuck together

(Thanks to Robert Moats, who points out that if this happened in Oregon "they would have used dynamite.")

THANK GOD FOR NEW RESEARCH

New research has revealed that pop music lyrics really have been dumbed down over the last 40 years.

(Thanks to Barry Nester and Al Barkafski, who says "For this we needed a study?")

In our day, when we sang "Papa-Oom-Mow-Mow" it meant something.

AND IN SPORTS II

A possible moonshine cave has been discovered under the grandstands of a legendary NASCAR track in North Carolina.

(Thanks to The Perts)

ANYTHING TO DECLARE?

Upon inspection, customs officers found hundreds of individually wrapped beetles inside, some still alive and crawling around her bag.

(Thanks to John Lobert and Ralph)

AND IN SPORTS

Chinese man regurgitates stream of water for nearly 6 minutes

(Thanks to Ralph and Ron T)

WAIT... IT'S A *SPOTTED* WOLVERINE?

Wolverine spotted wandering down the Oregon coast

(Thanks to John Lobert)

We saw Wandering Wolverine open for the Worm-Eating Ghost Slugs.

GOOD BOY! OR GIRL!

Robotic police dog shot multiple times, credited with avoiding potential bloodshed

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

THERE'S SOME MISSING, DUDES

Calif. cops forced to return $800,000 in pot after controversial raid

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

WORKERS, TO THE POLES!

Washington governor signs ‘strippers’ bill of rights’ into law

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

WE'RE GUESSING BEER

South Carolina found a state bank account with $1.8B, but they have no idea what it's for

(Thanks to EricY)

AND IN SPORTS II

Mike Tyson selling edibles shaped like a chewed ear — and now you can get them in New York

(Thanks to John Gregg)

WE'RE STAYING THE HELL OFF THE STROUD PATH

Rare worm-eating ghost slug spotted on Stroud path

(Thanks to Mary Smith, who says "worm eating ghost slugs WBAGNFARB.")

SO NO RUSH GETTING TO WORK

Melting polar ice is slowing the Earth's rotation, with possible consequences for timekeeping

(Thanks to The Perts and GJ, who says "I thought I felt something.")

AND IN SPORTS

St. Paul Saints come under fire for naming 2024 season's pig mascot 'Ozempig'

(Thanks to GJ)

We like it.

AND IN SCULPTURE

Samuel Ross designs textured toilet that is "closer to a sculpture"

(Thanks to Roberto)

Prince Philip statue that looks nothing like him and cost £150,000 will be torn down

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

The toilet actually looks more like Prince Philip.

'ANIMAL LOVER' IS ONE WAY TO DESCRIBE THIS PERSON

Animal lover cared for hat bobble* all night thinking it was a sick baby hedgehog

(Thanks to Doug Ogg, Michael Parry and Matt Filar)

*Pom pom

IF YOU WATCH ONLY ONE VIDEO TODAY SHOWING BEAVERS BEING PARACHUTED INTO A REMOTE AREA OF IDAHO IN 1948....

...make it this one.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Nearly 3,000 pounds of methamphetamine found in carrot shipment at U.S.-Mexico border

(Thanks to Rod Nunley, who says "What's up, Doc?")

WE SENT FLOWERS

Rare two-headed snake undergoes surgery in Missouri

(Thanks to Ron T)

SOON TO BE 'JAWS XII'

As you step closer to the waves, you see something on the sand. It’s almost 5 inches long and has pinchers protruding from its hardened body. Then it scurries toward you — and goes straight for your toes.

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

TODAY IN GOBSMACKERY

Americans gobsmacked over how many Brits skip 'common ingredient' in cups of tea

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "I think this is fake news, because as an American, I can tell you for certain we don’t get 'gobsmacked.'”)

HISTORIC GRAVE MARKER OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Historic Grave Marker of the Week.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who says "Call your doctor!")

ACCUSED OF WHAT?

NYC Firm Is Accused Of Sex Toy Bootlegging

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

POLICE HAVE NOTHING TO GO ON

Woman dumbfounded after plumber boyfriend steals her toilet after breakup

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "What did she think would happen?")

NOT ALL DURING THE SAME COLONOSCOPY, WE HOPE

Here are, I am dismayed to tell you, seven insects that were found intact during a colonoscopy.

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOUVENIRS

Everest climbers will have to take their poop away with them

(Thanks to EricY, Ron T, Steve K and B&C)

AND THEY'RE DOWN TO A FOUR-DAY SUPPLY OF PANCAKE BATTER

Canada's maple syrup reserve hits 16-year low

(Thanks to B&C and Mezrap)

AS SHOULD WE ALL

‘The Price Is Right’ Has A Protocol For When A Contestant Pees Their Pants

(Thanks to Annette)

YOU WILL BE SHOCKED TO LEARN THAT SHE IS SUSPECTED OF DUI

A woman recently drove her Mercedes through the entirety of the Cobra Smoke Shop & Vape Store in Fullerton, California, eventually tearing through the back of the building like the Kool-Aid Man making a hasty exit.

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "After which she was awarded a valid Florida driver’s license.")

AND IN SPORTS III

Watch 200 waiters race in the streets of Paris, trays in hand

(Thanks to Ron T and Michael Parry)

WE THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA

Lego instructs California police department to stop using Lego heads to mask identities of suspects

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND IN SPORTS II

There Is An Abundance Of Evidence That Suggests Nikola Jokic Might Actually Be A Witch

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

AND IN SPORTS

Seattle Mariners pitcher says Wyoming isn’t real

(Thanks to Ralph)

STEP ONE: SIT ON A SHARP OBJECT

'Dead Butt Syndrome' Is A Real Thing. Here's How To Tell If You Have It.

(Thanks to GJ)