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January 31, 2024


People vow to stop holding farts in as doctor warns it could come out your mouth

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "Who holds farts?")


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I know that for many folks the standard exclamation to one's spouse after belching loudly is, "Honey, I done cheated my @$$ out of a fart." So it's good science AND good manners.

Still keeping it tight here.

Every time you hold a fart in, somewhere an angel explodes.

Sounds like a smart feller.

Easy for him to say. He's probably young enough to let 'er rip. But for some of us, well, you know the saying...never trust a fart over 50.

The old saying, hmmmm, goes like this, as I remember, "Hold your friends close but hold your farts closer." I think that was a quote from Winston Churchill.

How much wind could a wind breaker break if a wind breaker could break wind?

Old West cowboy insult number 38:

"You ain't nuthin' but a mouth-fartin' no good SOB!!!!"

There's a lot of that going on in an election year.

I fart in your general direction.

Borrowed from TJ Hooker's playbook:

1. If you are sitting in a large crowd (such as waiting in the airport for a flight), if you freep out a fart stand up right away and make some comment about how rude somebody is and then walk away. The move deflects the smell to someone (unidentified) else sitting nearby.

2. If you are sitting in the same situation and you notice that somebody stands up right away, you, too, stand up and make some comment about rudeness and then walk away. This deflects the blame to somebody else.

3. If you are sitting next to someone who is squirming and rocking from glute to glute, ask them "Would you like a breath mint?"

From the forthcoming bio: "I Am TJ Hooker".

Holding in your fart also does nothing to keep you free from lice and sores, but does benefit the unforeseen charm of normalized pubic hair.

You can heat your house with natural gas.

Careful what you wish for.

Who can hold their farts in (who can hold their farts in)
Till their face turns blue (till their face turns blue)
Cover it with Lysol and a miracle or two?

A handy man (a handy man)
Oh the handy man can 'cause he mixes it with love
And makes the world smell good (makes the world smell good)

You're welcome.

Captain, I can't hold'er'n another parsec, she's gonne blow!

I once won a poker hand with 3 farts and a pair of clubs.

It’s just a thunderstorm on turd island….

he who detected it, ejected it.
he who smelt it, dealt it
he who observed it, served it
he who denied it, supplied it

The "Mouth-Fart" workshop is mandatory for all newly elected congressmen (and women).

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