Dave Barry's Blog

SO MAURY'S THE FATHER?

Maury Povich announces paternity test for baby orangutan

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THEY WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT ANTACIDS

Slim Jim's 'Fast Meat' promo car stolen in Los Angeles

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and John Lobert)

"Fast Meat?"

HOW DO YOU SAY 'CLARK GRISWOLD' IN CROATIAN?

Croatian man transforms his property into stunning festival using 5 million lights

(Thanks to Ron T)

AND IN AUSTRALIAN SPORTS

Australian Man Casually Plays Golf With 2 Snakes Fighting Next To Him

(Thanks to Ralph)

CSI: HELENA, MONTANA

“Varied breeds of 5 very scared chickens were found and returned to their homes by Officer (Nick) Ransom and Corporal (Jacob) Scavone,” police said.

(Thanks to Ralph)

POLICE SAID HE WAS DELICIOUS

Gingerbread Man tries to walk into stranger's house in Arlington

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

DON'T MESS WITH B.C. WOMAN

B.C. woman, 72, corners naked man with shovel after he broke in to her home

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

Why the naked man had a shovel we'll never know.

OR ELSE

Shocking doctors’ brains could help them learn to use surgical robots faster

(Thanks to Ron T)

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Woman pretended to be Waffle House employee, worked for hours before stealing cash

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

TikTok thieves in Spain steal baby Jesus from nativity scene and demand ransom

(Thanks to Ralph)

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

Governor’s Mansion chickens to remain in residence through transition

(Thanks to John Lobert)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Woman spotted casually walking a camel down the street in Chingford

(Thanks to John Lobert, who asks "How was she supposed to be walking it?") 

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Colin created a flamethrower that mounts inside of his pants and shoots fire from his butt.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

CSI: SLIDELL

The driver left a trail of shattered glass, transmission fluid and auto parts that officers followed on foot, the department said. Its post said they found the damaged vehicle outside of a bar and the driver sitting at the bar inside.

(Thanks to Ron T)

WHILE YOU WASTE YOUR MONEY ON A 401K

A pair of gold-colored Nike Air Jordan 3 shoes, similar to ones worn by film director Spike Lee in 2019, were found in a Portland donation bin for the homeless and sold at Sotheby's auction for $50,800.

(Thanks to Ron T)

IT WAS THE ONLY REASONABLE RESPONSE

Florida man chucks spicy Nashville Hot chicken at Wawa employee because it was 'uncooked'

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

NO DOUBT ATTRACTED BY THE AFFORDABLE HOUSING

Joro spiders could soon be 'parachuting' into New York

(Thanks to EricY)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Risk of penile fractures rises at Christmas, doctors find

(Thanks to Mindy Weiser)

HO HO NOOOOOOOO

Vet goes 'too far' with freshly castrated testicle Elf on the Shelf prank

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST HANG OURSELVES

We’ve Been Grating Cheese Wrong Our Entire Lives

(Thanks to vee)

NEW JERSEY: LAND OF EXCITEMENT

13,000 people watched a chair fall in New Jersey

(Thanks to Steve K.)

CANADA: A PARIAH AMONG NATIONS

Wild ‘super pigs’ from Canada could become a new front in the war on feral hogs

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

HAR

NASA releases new images of Uranus and its moons

(Thanks to many people)

TO BE FAIR, THEY ALSO WENT TO MAINE AND CANADA

Cruise passengers fuming after trip to Florida, Bahamas reroutes to Boston

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WE'RE JUST ASKING FOR THE ALIENS TO ATTACK

NASA uses laser to send video of a cat named Taters over 19 million miles

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias and Doug Ogg)

THE PARROT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Alabama man ‘high on mushrooms’ arrested with parrot on shoulder after fighting with Florida deputies

(Thanks to Ralph)

POLLYWOGEDDON

‘Biblical’ plague of frogs, toads and tadpoles causes multi-car pile-up

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHICH IS WHY THEY NEVER WEAR NAME TAGS

Apes may have a stellar memory: New study says animals may recognize old friends from over 25 years ago

(Thanks to EricY)

BRILLIANT, DUDE

Bank robber got high, forgot to ask for money in demand note, FBI says

(Thanks to B&C and Doug Ogg)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Llama poop sparked 57% more plant growth in a part of the Andes that was barren and ravaged by climate change

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES?

Tomatoes lost for 8 months on space station are missing something in NASA photo

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE WHALE WANTED TO KNOW WHICH WAY OREGON WAS

Scientists claim they've had a 20 minute conversation with a WHALE - and say it could pave the way for conversations with aliens someday

(Thanks to Nancy Fill, Robert Moats and Emile Leslie and w)

AUSTRALIAAAAAA

Airport submerged and crocodiles seen after record rain

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY

Dude, where’s my getaway car? Suspects find automobile stolen during armed robbery, police say.

(Thanks to EricY, Robert Moats and Mark Buckley)

NEED A LAST-MINUTE GIFT FOR DAD?

Here you go.

(Thanks to The Perts)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Customs officers in California seize $10 million worth of meth and cocaine hidden in jalapeño paste

(Thanks to Steve K., who says "These are some good nachos, dude.")

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

"Did you have anything to drink today?"

"I might have."

She’s not only riding around in a pickup truck missing two tires, she claims there’s nothing wrong with the tires.

(Thanks to EricY)

RUM PUM PUM PUM

The Christmas songs you love to hate the most

(Thanks to Steve K.)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR, FLORIDA DIVISION

After purchasing a meatball sandwich for his nephew, a Florida Man poured Visine all over the food, which was later partially consumed by his relative, according to police who arrested the man on a felony poisoning charge.

Well in that case: When the worker declared that the liquid “could hurt someone,” Leach reportedly replied that it would only cause the victim to “shit himself and puke his brains out.”

(Thanks to Frank)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

World’s First Supercomputer That Will Rival the Human Brain to be Unleashed in 2024

(Thanks to Frank, who says "It won't take that much to rival.")

IN NORMAL PLACES, FIREFIGHTERS RESCUE CATS FROM TREES

In Florida...

Firefighters remove boa constrictor that was threatening peacocks in Palmetto Bay

(Thanks to Robert Moats and Ralph)

AND IN NERD SPORTS

Sydney man dubbed the ‘Annihilator’ wins spreadsheet world championship

(Thanks to Ralph)

AFTER A STERN LECTURE ABOUT DIETARY CHOICES

Turtle Who Pooped Plastic for Six Days Released After 18 Months in Care

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

UH-OH

Mysterious Signals From Space Are Getting Stranger, Scientists Say

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

MAYBE THEY'RE TWISTING THE LID THE WRONG WAY?

It's Been 2 Months. Why Can't NASA Open the Asteroid Sample Container?

(Thanks to Linda Schutjer, who says "I wonder if they tried tapping the top with a knife?")

ANOTHER EXCELLENT ROCK-BAND NAME

Earth’s first space gynaecologist explains how humans will reproduce in future

(Thanks to Linda Schutjer)

FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE DAY SO FAR

Strangers Send Over 60 Pairs of Tiny Shoes For a Chicken With Missing Toes

(Thanks to John Lobert)

"Tiny Shoes For A Chicken" WBAGNFARB. 

AND IN SPORTS

Shin-kicking champion aims for world domination despite breaking two toes

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

At first we thought maybe "shin" was a typo, IYKWWM.

NOW WITH ADDED PROTEIN

Tesco recalls Christmas stuffing because it may contain moths

(Thanks to Ron T)

NOW WITH ADDED BOUNCE

Baked beans recalled because they may contain rubber balls

(Thanks to Ron T)