Dave Barry's Blog

HAPPY NEW YEAR, BLOG PEOPLE. AND REMEMBER:

HIATUS UPDATE

THE YEAR IN REVIEW

Here it is.

ADVISORY

For the next week or so this blog will be on a New Year hiatus (from the ancient Greek words “hia,” meaning “time,” and “tus,” meaning “when we do not blog as often as usual”). During most of this period we will be in a foreign nation located completely outside of the United States. At some point in the next few days the Miami Herald will risk its reputation by publishing our annual Year in Review, and we (or judi, if she has not been fired) will attempt to post a link to that, assuming the foreign nation has discovered the Internet. In any event, we wish you all a happy and festive New Year’s Eve filled with joy and auld lang syne, whatever the hell that is.

IN OTHER WORDS, SITUATION NORMAL

Golf cart wrecks and fires rampant across Florida: ‘Housewives getting drunk and crashing’

(Thanks to Michael Parry and Buck Nekkid)

CANADA: A NATION BECOMING MORE HELL-HOLEISH THAN IT ALREADY WAS

These huge Asian spiders that can fly (sort of) are heading for Canada

(Thanks to The Perts)

HELPFUL GUIDANCE

New Zealand mayor clarifies there’s no need to ‘stop pooing’ amid town’s sewerage stench crisis

(Thanks to Steve Lodholz and Doug Ogg)

*BAD* HUCK

Man cancels Christmas after dog makes off with glazed ham and eats it all

(Thanka to John Lobert)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS THIS BLOG DID NOT FINISH READING

Hi there,

I'm excited about writing an article for you

BEAVERS ARE BASICALLY OBESE SQUIRRELS

Beavers invade Arizona neighborhoods

(Thanks to John Lobert)

Related: Bartlett Police capture giant beaver inside St. Francis Hospital

(Thanks to Buck Nekkid)

WE'RE HOPING THAT BY 'MORE COMPLEX ORGANISMS' THEY MEAN ELVIS

Resurrection biology — attempting to bring strings of molecules and more complex organisms back to life — is gaining traction in labs around the world.

(Thanks to Barry Nester, who asks "What could possibly go wrong?")

UH-OH

Tesla robot ATTACKS an engineer at company's Texas factory during violent malfunction - leaving 'trail of blood' and forcing workers to hit emergency shutdown button

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, Barry Nester and Rick Day)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

A man wearing a dress and carrying a dildo allegedly tried to burglarize the Florida residence of a 69-year-old woman, according to police who also charged the suspect with stalking.

(Thanks to Buck Nekkid)

AND IN MIAMI SPORTS

Dolphins Allowed to Hold CeeDee Lamb By the Underwear Without Getting Called for Pass Interference

(Thanks to Buck Nekkid)

ON THE ROADS OF FLORIDA...

...all are welcome.

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Woman Busted For Beating Man With Xmas Tree

6:48 p.m. Four Christmas inflatable lawn decorations were stabbed to death.

Drunken 'Santa' crashes into house delivering gifts

(Thanks to Buck Nekkid)

AT LAST WE CAN MOVE ON

Reynold's Finally Settles the Debate: This Is What Each Side of Aluminum Foil Is For

(Thanks to The Perts and Matt Filar)

DID YOU FORGET TO GIVE SOMEBODY A GIFT YESTERDAY?

There's still time to make it up.

Here's a another option.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU CRAZY BLOG PEOPLE

THOSE WERE SOME HYPER BARNACLES

Suspected cocaine bricks covered in barnacles wash up on Australian beaches

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THE WHAT?

You've heard of Santa, maybe even Krampus, but what about the child-eating Yule Cat?

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA

Drunk woman smashes car into 'do not drink and drive' sign while heavily intoxicated

(Thanks to Annette)

EW

In a video posted by Altitude TV’s Vic Lombardi from a recent broadcast, television analyst Mark Rycroft reached down, likely to clear his throat, for a sip of his beverage. At the first gulp, it was evident that this was the wrong cup. Instead of it being a refreshing drink, it was the tobacco spit cup of his partner, play-by-play announcer Marc Moser.

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

OH SHUT UP

How do YOU eat your asparagus? Etiquette adviser says how you eat the vegetable reveals a lot about your social class

(Thanks to Frank, who says "I eat asparagus with my mouth.")

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY ASK THE WOMAN FIRST

Sniffing Women’s Tears Makes Men Less Aggressive

(Thanks to Linda Schutjer, who says "First off, why would anyone think to do this study?")

AND IN SPORTS

I’m a competitive eater in 10,000-calorie food challenges — here’s how I stay in shape

(Thanks to vee, who says "Finally, advice I can use.")

ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT

Does ‘Face Slapping’ Really Make Your Skin Care Absorb Better?

(Thanks to Carl Youngdahl)

'VAMPIRE SQUIRRELS'

Tufted ground squirrel: The Borneo rodent once believed to disembowel deer and feast on their organs

(Thanks to Frank, who says "I believe it.")

TALK ABOUT YOUR CHRISTMAS MIRACLES

Woman with two wombs gives birth twice in two days

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

THEY'RE VERY RELAXING UNTIL THEY SPIT ON YOU

Llama therapy at Portland airport eases holiday travel stress

(Thanks to GJ)

WHO'S A BAD BOY?

Wildwood man jailed after hitting another man in face with bag of dog treats

(Thanks to Rick Day)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

A North Carolina man was assaulted for burping, police report

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Researchers unveil vibrating pill that spurs weight loss by shaking stomach into thinking it is full

(Thanks to Frank)

CANADA: A NATION CLEARLY ON DRUGS

'Sometimes the cats like it': Chorus sings Christmas carols for homeless felines at B.C. sanctuary

(Thanks to The Perts)

CELEBRITY UPDATE

Reality Star’s Vagina Sets Off Airport Security Detector

(Thanks to Frank)

'NEED?'

Do I need to shock my penis?

(Thanks to vee and Matt Filar)

SO HOW WAS YOUR CRUISE?

'People shrieking in tears': Cruise passengers returned to flooded cars at port

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

JOURNALISM

Yes, nutcrackers, shockingly, are used to crack nuts.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Dog Poop Bag Dispenser Resembling Hand Grenade Sparks Bomb Scare In School, Alarming Authorities

(Thanks to Frank)

BOLO

Bass Pro Shops fish thief at large after allegedly swiping live tarpon from Florida store's pond, deputies say

(Thanks to Frank and Loyd Gravitt)

BOTTOMS UP!

Drinking toilet water may be the future of drought-stricken California

(Thanks to Annette, who says "After the dog...")

IT'S TIME FOR OUR ANNUAL GÄVLE GOAT UPDATE

The Gävle goat has been torched, shot with flaming arrows, run over by cars and beaten with clubs. But this year, the massive straw statue has a new antagonist to contend with — hungry birds.

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

HOW YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO CONTACT THE PEDIATRICIAN

Bullets hidden in a diaper discovered at TSA checkpoint

(Thanks to Rick Day)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, YOU'RE GOOD TO GO

A sudden rear ending ultimately resulted in a 38-year-old Florida woman dancing an Irish jig for police officers to prove she wasn’t drunk.

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS THIS BLOG DID NOT FINISH READING

Hey Admin

I just wanted to say, I’m a huge fan of your work. I especially loved your recent post.

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER STAND

NASA spots a massive 'Christmas tree' floating in space

(Thanks to The Perts)

THIS WILL DEFINITELY AFFECT THE CUSTOMER-SERVICE SURVEY RESULTS

3 Dunkin' employees allegedly pulled guns on complaining customers

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

WHO WOULD WANT TO BOOST THE SEX DRIVE IN A DONKEY?

Amazon barred from selling sex drive-boosting donkey supplements in California

(Thanks to John Lobert and Ralph)

IN FLORIDA, ELEVEN SECONDS

Land O’Lakes Finally Settles the Debate: How Long Can You Leave Butter Out on the Counter?

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

SEND THIS MOTORCYCLIST TO AUSTRALIA

Motorcyclist savages 10ft python with his teeth as it attacks him while he was riding in the Philippines - then locals roast it and eat it

(Thanks to Alicia San Nicolas)