Dave Barry's Blog

HOLD OFF ON THAT MORTGAGE PAYMENT

‘Devil’ comet 3 times bigger than Mount Everest explodes, now heading toward Earth

(Thanks to Rod Nunley, who says "So how many Kilimanjaros is that?")

WE SUSPECT MARINE SQUIRRELS

Great white shark’s remains found ashore after being devoured by mystery seabeast

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "I think it was the Oregon Department of Highways.")

BRILLIANT

A man has been accused of posing as a mannequin in a Warsaw shop window to steal jewellery after closing time.

(Thanks to MOTW)

IS THIS THE FLYING CAR WE WERE PROMISED?

Florida street racer driving 80 mph goes airborne after losing control, lands in canal

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

AND IN SPORTS

French nun tackles environmental protester attempting to stop construction of religious center

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

THE F*&% IT IS

Texas named 'cussing capital of the U.S.'

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

LIKE YOU, IT PRETENDS TO LISTEN WHILE THINKING ABOUT OTHER THINGS

Microsoft's new AI assistant can go to meetings for you

(Thanks to GJ)

IN THAT CASE, SIR...

Florida man tells deputies ‘these aren’t my pants’ drugs found inside

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Man Caught In The Act With Stuffed Animal

(Thanks to many people)

CANADA: LAND OF OPPORTUNITY

Need an old parking meter? Red Deer, Alta., is selling 1,100 of them

(Thanks to Carlos Montage, who says "I’m thinking of buying one and putting it in front of my house—it might make for a nice little revenue stream. [Or maybe I should take all 1,100—and just do the whole town?"])

NEVER MIND

Reported mountain lion in Pa. was a 'feral house cat,' state says

(Thanks to John Lobert)

BOLO

Pig named Kevin Bacon breaks loose in Adams Co.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, WE'LL BE ON OUR WAY

A Florida man wanted by the cops tried to throw them off his trail by placing a big sign outside his house, reading: “Johnny Yates does NOT live here!!”

(Thanks to Frank)

AUSTRALIAAAAAA

Australian man sparred with ‘jacked’ kangaroo to save his drowning dog

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM....

A Delray Beach woman is facing a DUI charge after she allegedly drove into a curb, got out of the vehicle, fell to the ground, pulled down her pants, relieved herself, then told an off-duty cop who watched the whole thing that she’d just call AAA.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ANYTHING TO DECLARE?

Goat Guts Confiscated by Customs Officers at Chicago Airport

(Thanks to Ralph)

NO PRETZELS FOR YOU

Japan Airlines put on an extra flight for a group of sumo wrestlers whose weight made the planes too heavy to fly

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

In Other Aviation News: EasyJet flight canceled because of ‘defecation’ incident

(Thanks to Michael Parry, Barry Nester, Asher Scheiner, Emily, Leslie and w and Roberto)

AND IT SHOULD BE ORGANIC

Car expert says drivers should always 'rub a potato on their windscreen'

(Thanks to John Lobert)

'THIS IS MISSED EXIT TO THE EXTREME'

Woman accidentally drives to Mexico during simple car trip to Home Depot

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "it has happened to all of us.")

WE DON'T LIKE THE LOOKS OF THIS

Texas has a Secret Squirrel Facility.

(Thanks to John W. and Stan Ruth)

BOLO

Police are on the hunt for thieves after 35 portable toilets were stolen from a racetrack.

(Thanks to John Lobert, who points out "they have nothing to go on.")

AS FORETOLD IN THE OLD TESTAMENT

Woman spots the face of a famous cartoon character hidden in a tree

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "I, personally, think it looks more like Nessie.")

WAS IT HIS?

11,000-year-old statue of giant man clutching penis unearthed in Turkey

(Thanks to Frank, who says "So much has changed.")

APPARENTLY IT HAS ACCESS TO A MICROWAVE OVEN

A bear broke into a Connecticut house and took some lasagna from the freezer before leaving through the kitchen window, video shows.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

CSI: WORCESTERSHIRE

Residents discover shopping trolley on top of a lamppost sparking a conspiracy theory

(Thanks to Ralph)

SEND THIS MAN TO WASHINGTON

A Kenyan man was recently arrested after it was revealed that he had impersonated an attorney and represented various clients in 26 different cases – all of which he won – despite lacking any formal training.

(Thanks to Ralph)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS THIS BLOG DID NOT FINISH READING

Hey David - thoughts on this?

WE'RE BETTING THE SQUIRREL WAS ALSO IMPAIRED

Impaired driver blamed squirrel for rollover crash on B.C. highway

(Thanks to Buck Nekkid)

THE ACTUAL FINE WAS ONLY $1.2 MILLION

SAVANNAH, Ga. -- A Georgia man was left reeling after receiving a $1.4 million speeding ticket, but city officials say the figure was just a placeholder, not the actual fine.

(Thanks to The Perts)

THOSE CAN ALSO BE BAD

Flight to Florida returns to Panama over a suspected bomb that turns out to be an adult diaper

(Thanks to Buck Nekkid)

WE'RE SURE IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE

Thieves in Florida use tractor trailers to steal more than $1.6 million in alcohol from US distributor

(Thanks to EricY)

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

Giraffe falls, smashes into family’s windshield at Texas wildlife center in scary scene

(Thanks to Michael Parry, who says "Hello, Farmer's?")

DUH

Ice cream and potato chips are just as addictive as cocaine or heroin: research

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Seriously, do not.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

YOU MEAN SOME PEOPLE *DON'T* DO THIS?

CEO Suggests Wearing Pants In Shower To Combat Climate Crisis

(Thanks to vee)

IT WAS THE ONLY RATIONAL OPTION

Woman jumps out of van and lets it roll into a river after spotting spider

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "The spider was released after producing a valid Florida driver's license.")

AND IN SPORTS

Grazer, also known as Bear 128 to the fans of Fat Bear Week at Alaska’s Katmai National Park and Preserve, won this year’s contest, handily defeating Chunk 108,321 to 23,134 in the finals.

(Thanks to John W)

LADIES, HE'S AVAILABLE

A funeral home worker responsible for transporting dead bodies in a Nebraska county is suspected of having an intimate encounter with a life-sized sex doll he found in the apartment of a deceased person, according to a felony criminal complaint.

(Thanks to Buck Nekkid, who says "Inflation is impacting everyone.")

GUYS IN ACTION

Jon May, a 25-year-old from Britain, is striving to drink 2,000 pints of beer in 200 days — simply because he can.

(Thanks to Michael Parry, who says "The word is 'hero.'")

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Police in England said multiple emergency calls came in reporting an unusual traffic hazard: a bathtub in the middle of the highway.

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT'S A PASS-FAIL-VANISH COURSE

A U.K. University Will Confer a New Title: A Master’s Degree in the Occult

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

SEAGULLS ARE BASICALLY FEATHERED SQUIRRELS

Venice airport closed, flights diverted by flock of seagulls

(Thanks to Blunt Hobo, who says "You know who gave the orders.")

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS THIS BLOG DID NOT FINISH READING

Hi Dave,

Thinking my emails must have missed you.

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Wild beavers return to west London for the first time in 400 years

(Thanks to EricY)

IT LOOKS LIKE JABBA THE HUTT

Restaurant Credits Deliciousness of Pork Skewers to Sauce Jar That Hasn’t Been Cleaned in 60 Years

(Thanks to Ralph)

RIP RUDOLPH ISLEY

...founding member of the great Isley Brothers, one of this blog's all-time favorite groups.

(Thanks to Steve K.)

GUY DADS IN ACTION

An Arizona father stripped down to a crop top and short shorts at a school board meeting to protest a proposed dress code that would allow tank tops and students' showing their midriffs.

(Thanks to MAC, who says "I'll bet his kids just loved this.")

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY, DUDE

4:39 p.m. After smoking a lot of pot, a man accidentally walked out of his apartment naked, not realizing he’d left his home.

(Thanks to Buck Nekkid)

MEN WHO RIDE MOTORCYCLES:

For the love of God do NOT click here.

(Thanks to Michael Moyer)

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

Coin Tosses Are Not 50/50: Scientists Toss 350,757 Coins And Prove Old Theory

(Thanks to Matt Filar)