Dave Barry's Blog

AND IN POTENTIALLY FATAL SPORTS

Inaugural ‘Florida Man Games’ seeking contestants

(Thanks to Ralph, MOTW and Barry Nester)

UH-OH

Cosmonauts Find Growing Blob Outside International Space Station

(Thanks to John Lobert)

PUTTING THE UPPER IN FIXER-UPPER

The six-bedroom, four-bathroom house in San Jose features an in-ground swimming pool and an "inactive meth lab and meth contamination," according to the Zillow listing.

(Thanks to man tom)

YOU CANNOT STOP A DETERMINED SNAIL

'Determined' snails eating villagers' mail

(Thanks to Rodney Bertelsen)

Snails are basically small slimy squirrels with shells.

O THE HUMANITY

Cleanup crews had to deal with more than old-fashioned smashed jack-o’-lanterns early Wednesday morning after a semi-truck carrying a load of pumpkins caught fire.

(Thanks to man tom, Linda Schutjer and Charles Cates)

ALWAYS A SOUND LEGAL STRATEGY

Drunk Florida man drops his pants, yells 'where's my weapon' while exposing self to deputies, officials say

(Thanks to Buck Nekkid)

GUYS IN ISOLATION

Meet the Rwandan man who's 'lived in isolation for 55 years... because of his extreme fear of women'

(Thanks to Roberto)

SOUNDS LEGIT

Hi Dave,

I know you don't usually finish reading emails, but I received this interesting and, yes, surprising note from a banker professor:

Hello,
With all due respect I know this message might come to you in utmost surprise. My name is Mr. Mark More, A banker by professor i have an abandoned sum of dollars in my office
Thanks
From. Mr. Mark More

(Thanks to Eric)

AND IN REALLY ANNOYING SPORTS

Céline Dion ‘siren battles’ are leaving New Zealand locals sleepless

The battles, which have been steadily growing in popularity, see music lovers rig their cars or bicycles with sirens and loudspeakers (often, as many as possible) to blast songs. Competitors, or “siren kings” as they’re often called, fight to win prestige as the contestant with the loudest, clearest sound.

(Thanks to Ralph, The Perts and Doug Ogg)

AND IN SPORTS

Taylor Swift Sweetly Kisses Travis Kelce's Cheek While Hanging Out After Chiefs-Chargers Game

(Thanks to The Perts)

The cheek was hanging out?

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS THIS BLOG DID NOT FINISH READING

David - I apologize for my numerous emails.

Just to clarify,

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Escaped llamas, alpacas cause chaos on busy British road

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "They were released after producing a valid etc.")

AND IN SPORTS

Wisconsin brothers cook up world's largest grilled cheese sandwich

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "We're gonna need more tomato soup.")

THERE GOES OUR RETIREMENT PLAN

Why Settling Mars Is a Terrible Idea

(Thanks to Rod Nunley, who says "Because it's freezing and you can't breathe?")

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

10:28 a.m. A woman was seen hitting a man with a sword.

(Thanks to Buck Nekkid)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS TO THE BLOG THAT WE DID NOT FINISH READING

Hi Dave,

It's great to be in touch with you!

WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE A BILL OF RIGHTS?

Santa Clara deputies arrest man illegally building table in parking lot on firearm, drug charges

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHEREAS 'COPACABANA' COULD BE FATAL

How Queen’s ‘We Will Rock You’ could replace insulin injections for diabetics: study

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias, who says "I think I'll just stick myself with my insulin shots for the time being. If I play 'We Will Rock You' at 4 am when I wake up, I will be a dead man.")

IF YOU SEE ONLY ONE VIDEO THIS YEAR SHOWING A BEETLE ESCAPING BEING EATEN BY CRAWLING OUT OF A FROG'S BUTT...

...make it this one.

(Thanks to Buck Nekkid and Frank)

YOU ARE NOW FREE TO WHOAAAAAAAA

JetBlue plane tilts back while unloading at JFK Airport

(Thanks to Steve K., who says "The Sumo team meeting in the back was a bad idea.")

PARTY!

10 CSX train cars filled with Svedka vodka, Red Bull burglarized in Madison

(Thanks to Doug Ogg and Bill Carver)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Police in California were left scratching their heads when an entire shack was found abandoned on a city street.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

INVENTOR GUYS IN ACTION

This is beautiful.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

AND IT LOOKS LIKE IT

This faux-leather jacket is made by bacteria

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

AND IN RETAIL SPORTS

A store let customers steal shoes — if they could outrun a pro sprinter

(Thanks to Mike R and Michael Parry)

TAP WATER FOR US, THANKS

Video shows Chinese beer worker urinating into tank

(Thanks to Jay Brandes, Jim Perth, Buck Nekkid and John Lobert)

DOG BITES MAN

Florida man finds iguana lurking inside his toilet bowl

(Thanks to Buck Nekkid)

This is old news.

JUST IMAGINE THE PRANKS

University of Michigan slithers toward history with massive acquisition of jarred snake specimens

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

AND SHE DOESN'T LOOK A DAY OVER 86

Vera Wang, 74, says she orders McDonald's 'EVERY DAY' and reveals her secrets to a youthful appearance include DONUTS and VODKA

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Belgians race boats made of giant pumpkins

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS TO THE BLOG THAT WE DID NOT FINISH READING

Hey David,

Could you point me to someone on your team that can

THOSE THINGS SHOULD NOT BE ON CIVILIAN HANDS

Florida woman's drunken ride at 120 mph ends with 'violent' fingernail attack on trooper

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

AND IN SPORTS

Thorold zucchini grower seeks world record designation for monster fruit

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE'LL ORDER A PIZZA, THANKS

Want to eat the squirrel in your backyard? This class teaches you how

(Thanks to Buck Nekkid)

OOPS

Woman returns from vacation, finds Atlanta home demolished

(Thanks to The Perts, Buck Nekkid and John Lobert) 

WHY DON'T YOU ASK THEM?

Why are whales throwing seaweed on their heads?

(Thanks to GJ, who says "To hide from Oregon authorities?")

IT WAS THE MOST DIRECT ROUTE TO FLORIDA

Massachusetts Woman Drives Car Into Trash Compactor

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE'RE GUESSING IT PAID SOMEBODY OFF

The pallid bat is California’s newest state symbol: Here’s what makes it special

(Thanks to man tom and Emily, Leslie and w)

FIRST THE TACKLING NUN*, AND NOW THE STOMPING PRIEST

A Czech parish priest has apologised to local children after stomping on Halloween pumpkins near his church.

(Thanks to Steve Bradford)

*Reference.

WE HAVE AN IDEA HOW HE MIGHT TRY TO AVOID GOING TO PRISON

Man arrested after faking 20 heart attacks to avoid paying restaurant bills

(Thanks to B&C and Jay Brandes)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Dead body in woodland turned out to be an ‘overused’ sex doll

(Thanks to Ralph)

'HILARIOUS' IS NOT THE WORD WE WOULD USE

Clever squirrel outsmarts bobcat in hilarious chase scene

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THAT'S ALL?

College cafeteria tables harbor 60,000 times more bacteria than a typical toilet seat: study

(Thanks to Annette)

DON'T TRUST BIG KETCHUP

Heinz Finally Settles the Debate: Does Ketchup Belong in the Fridge or Pantry?

(Thanks to Jim Petty)

KEITH RICHARDS' FIRST SINGLE

8 billion-year-old radio signal reaches Earth

(Thanks to The Perts and Barry Nester)

MEANWHILE IN THE ONGOING FLATHEAD COUNTY CRIME WAVE

10:50 p.m. A man called law enforcement because he knew they’d listen while he got some things off his chest.

(Thanks to Buck Nekkid)

OTHER THAN THAT IT WAS A FAIRYTALE AFFAIR

A wedding planned for an inn in Woodstock last week had to be relocated at the last minute when an innkeeper was arrested after he reportedly put a loaded handgun to the neck of the bride’s father, according to officials and court records.

(Thanks to BillVT)

THAT'S ONLY *ONE* OF THE STRANGEST TRADITIONS?

One of the strangest and most mysterious traditions at New Hampshire's Plymouth State University made its return with two pumpkins impaled on the spires of a large clock tower.

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "dropped from a flying car.")

IT'S EVEN HEALTHIER IF YOU'RE ALSO DRINKING BEER

Soaking in a hot tub has the ‘same health benefits’ as going for a 30-minute jog, scientists reveal

(Thanks to Barry Nester, Al Barkafski and Roberto)

HERE BOY! NO, WAIT...

Marines Test Fire Robot Dog Armed With Rocket Launcher

(Thanks to Barry Nester, who says "They keep peeing on the flying cars.")