Dave Barry's Blog

MEN:

Do NOT, repeat NOT, click here.

(Thanks to Michael Moyer)

CANADA: A NATION SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL

44 escaped sheep found two days later in Ontario

(Thanks to Ron T) 

CSI: KEY WEST

Banana Tried To Give Police The Slip

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, Maryann, Michael Parry and Ralph)

NEWS YOU CAN USE

The Immune System Weighs The Same as a Pineapple, Study Finds

(Thanks to vee)

'I HAVE NOTHING TO DECLARE, GENTLEMEN'

Tourist caught by customs smuggling five litres of dog semen

(Thanks to Buck Nekkid, who says "He was ticketed for littering.")

I HAVE A GUB

The pharmacist technician who dealt with Mues said she didn’t realize the store was being robbed at first and kept asking him routine questions — while he kept telling her to read the note, according to Law & Crime.

(Thanks to Frank)

AT LEAST IT WASN'T A SEX TOY

Authorities are looking for the person whose donation to a Wisconsin Goodwill last week included ammunition and a live explosive device, kicking off a bomb scare and evacuations of the area.

(Thanks to Frank)

TARANTULAS ARE BASICALLY HAIRY EIGHT-LEGGED SQUIRRELS

Tarantula crossing road causes traffic accident in Death Valley National Park

(Thanks to EricY, Al Barkafski and Doug Ogg)

BUT WAS HE GOBSMACKED?

Loch Ness Monster 'size of double decker bus' leaves man frozen with fear

(Thanks to Annette, who asks "How big is that in asteroids?")

WE HOPE SO, BECAUSE WE'RE ALREADY WORKING ON THE SCREENPLAY

Venus Flytraps Ate My Skin, Says Scientist. Could They Eat Whole Humans?

(Thanks to Jim Perth)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS THIS BLOG DID NOT FINISH READING

Hi Dave,

I just wanted to check in and see if you'd had a chance to

URGENT BREAKING UFO EVIDENCE FROM 2010

Believe your eyes, people.

(Thanks to EricY)

NOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(Thanks to Jerome Stemnock)

NO. NEXT.

Are Halloween pumpkins a future superfood?

(Thanks to The Perts)

MOOOoooo....

Biggest Snake Ever Recorded? See the Enormous Snake That Invaded a Farm and Ate a Cow

(Thanks to Ralph)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS THIS BLOG DID NOT FINISH READING

Hello Dear sir/mam,

I have been looking at your site and found it really great and

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Czech President Petr Pavel knocked a soldier's hat off by accidentally striking him with a flagpole during a commemorative event in Prague.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

AND IN KARDASHIANS

The reality television superstar was dressed in a skin-tight outfit with nipples protruding from beneath her clothes. But they weren’t her actual nipples; rather, those nipples were built into the new bra she’s putting on the market.

(Thanks to Frank)

ALWAYS THE FIRST PLACE YOU LOOK, IF YOU LIVE IN AUSTRALIA

Australian Woman Pulls Out 2 Giant Snakes From Ceiling

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOU'LL BE EXCITED TO LEARN THAT IT CAN ALSO 'BE USED AS FEED FOR PIGS'

Researchers want to grind jellyfish into 'protein shakes' to be used in medicine

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston, who says "They're apparently not combating halitosis here.")

We can't leave researchers alone for ten minutes.

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

California doc proposes renaming genitals

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

SO TRUE

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

SOUNDS LEGIT

Driver didn’t know 435 pounds of marijuana were in van, Lancaster County deputy says

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says "In that case, Shaggy....")

CSI: COUNTY TYRONE

Bull semen: Artificial insemination tanks stolen

(Thanks to Ann Farr)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

You should stay home for Halloween due to lunar eclipse, astrologer warns

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "This is why we have astrologers.")

USED?

Thrift store asks people to stop donating 'used and unused' sex toys

(Thanks to many people)

'SHE SAID SHE CALLED OUT TO ANY ALIENS LISTENING'

Goldie Hawn: ‘An alien touched me and it felt like the finger of God’

(Thanks to Frank)

AND IN SPORTS

The 2023 world cheese champion has been revealed

(Thanks to Ron T)

OTHER THAN THAT, PERFECTLY EXECUTED

Corvette Flips Trying To Do Burnout While Exiting Car Show

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Remains of 3,000-mile-wide ‘lost continent’ discovered on ocean floor, study says

(Thanks to Barry Nester, who says "Where else would it be? The ceiling?")

JUST SHUT UP, SCIENTISTS

Earth’s core is leaking, scientists say

(Thanks to The Perts)

SHE'S TAKING IT WELL

Groom’s angry ex throws poop on him and new bride at wedding

(Thanks to Buck Nekkid)

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE THEIR WORD FOR THIS?

Sweden’s tourist board has decided it is time to make it clear that the nation is not, in fact, the same country as Switzerland.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

AS IF THINGS WEREN'T ALREADY BAD ENOUGH

Rare sighting of 'nature's ghost' as albino squirrel spotted foraging in UK woodland

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

THE SCIENCE IS ZZZZZZZ

Taking more naps could change your brain size

(Thanks to Ron T., who says "I'm in.")

IT'S EITHER THAT OR SQUIRRELS

Arkansas family suspects meteorite caused smoking hole in their deck

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "This is exactly why I never used my deck.")

'HE WAS HAVING A DIFFICULT TIME FINDING A WILLING PARTICIPANT'

Longview man accused of trying to hire prostitute for his horse

(Thanks to Charles Cates) 

A SURCHARGE 'FOR ADULTS UNABLE TO PARENT'

Georgia restaurant charging customers for ‘bad children'

(Thanks to Ann Farr)

AND IN SPORTS

You Have To See For Yourself

(Thanks to Frank and Buck Nekkid)

THEY TOURED WITH PHISH

The Acid-Spraying Giant Vinegaroons Just Gained Three New Members

(Thanks to EricY)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Snorkeler washing his wetsuit finds ‘exceptionally deadly’ sea creature

(Thanks to EricY)

TERRORISM IN TENNESSEE

“We had a massive, massive response to this location to find out it was a man who was trying to prevent his car from being dented,” Larry Flowers, Murfreesboro’s public safety public information officer, said.

(Thanks to EricY)

IT WAS IDENTIFIED VIA ITS VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Reported human remains in Washington cave was a plastic beer bong

(Thanks to John Lobert and Ralph)

EXPERIENCING EAR DISCOMFORT?

Do not click here.

(Thanks to Linda Schutjer, John Lobert and The Perts)

UPDATE: Another place you should not click is here.

(Thanks to Ron T. and Buck Nekkid)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

ROBOTIC SPY MUDSKIPPER INFILTRATES MATING RITUAL

(Thanks to John Lobert)

'HERO' IS ONE WAY TO DESCRIBE HIM

Hero cop gives snake the kiss of life in Madhya Pradesh

(Thanks to John Gregg)

TRY HITTING IT WITH A HAMMER

The space agency reported: ‘After multiple attempts at removal, the team discovered two of the 35 fasteners on the TAGSAM [Touch-and-Go Sample Acquisition Mechanism] head could not be removed with the current tools approved for use in the OSIRIS-REx glovebox.’

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w and William R. Falzone)

HOW BIG IS THAT IN GIRAFFES?

Super rare mega asteroid twice as big as Burj Khalifa to crash into Earth's orbit

(Thanks to Annette)

LIKE, SERIOUSLY DUDE

Around 10 Percent Of The Internet Is Encrypted Via Lava Lamps

(Thanks to Ralph)

'AS YOU KNOW, THINGS ARE MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE ON THE VINEYARD'

About $1M of pure, uncut cocaine washed up on Martha’s Vineyard, feds say

(Thanks to Charles Cates, who says "The rich get richer.")