Dave Barry's Blog

PENNSYLVANIA CUISINE UPDATE

Enormous Lebanon bologna sandwich unveiled at Pennsylvania community fair

(Thanks to Ron T. and Rodney Bertelsen)

THIS IS WHY WHEN WE WANT FISH, WE GO TO A SEAFOOD RESTAURANT

Kayak Fisherman Gets Dragged 15 MILES Out To Sea By 500-Pound Marlin

(Thanks to Rick Day)

THE LESSON HERE IS, STICK WITH YOUR OLD AI SEX ROBOTS

New AI sex robots could blackmail or kill their owner, warn terrified experts

(Thanks to Annette)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Researchers Tickle Rats For Science

(Thanks to Ralph)

PEOPLE ARE EASILY BAFFLED

People left baffled after camera catches 'portal to another dimension' at ski resort

(Thanks to John Lobert)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Fragments of what's believed to be Beethoven's skull were in California drawer for decades

(Thanks to The Perts)

NO PLACE LIKE HOME, DUDE

Architects are turning to cannabis-based ‘hempcrete’ that could revolutionize the way we build our homes

(Thanks to EricY)

MAMMOTHS ATE CHOCOLATE?

EATING chocolate can cut the risk of early death by up to ten per cent, ­a mammoth study found.

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

FLORIDAAAAAAAA

Florida Woman Bites Another Woman’s Ear Off During Brawl At House Party

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, who says "'Another' woman's ear! That makes how many now?')

'DEFINITELY A POO'

Mystery of the 'Loch Thames monster' as man spots 'Godzilla' in London river

(Thanks to Ralph)

NEBRASKA: STATE OF EXCITEMENT

World's coolest cow performs 10 tricks in 60 seconds!

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

ATTENTION, IDIOTS:

The sandwich chain is offering free Subway sandwiches for life (depending on much Subway you eat) to a fan who agrees to legally change their first name to Subway.

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "I do not want to meet the person who actually does this.")

THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF THINGS TO DO

Scientists discover secret of virgin birth, and switch on the ability in female flies

(Thanks to John Lobert and B&C)

THE WORST PART IS, THEY ALL HAVE VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Ancient pathogens released from melting ice could wreak havoc on the world, new analysis reveals

(Thanks to Rodney Bertelsen, who says "Just don't answer the doorbell.")

OTHER THAN THAT, THE PERFECT CRIME

Video shows moment bumbling Ohio burglar falls from bank roof into trash can — just as police arrive

(Thanks to EricY)

HE 'HAS TAKEN HIS FIRST WALK'

Man spends $22,000 to become a border collie dog

(Thanks to Michael Parry and Ron T)

'THERE WILL EVEN BE FOOD STALLS'

Plymouth family fun day is being held at city's incinerator

(Thanks to Ralph)

NEVER MIND

Turns out there wasn't a snake on the loose in Lexington after all

(Thanks to EricY)

AFTER WHAT?

Sweaty Margot Robbie makes obscene gesture after beating off Barbie cast in plank trial

(Thanks to Annette)

APPARENTLY IT'S ONE OF THOSE FAST, LAND-BASED LOBSTERS

From yesterday's Miami Herald:

No word on why the lobster crossed the road.

CANADA: A NATION IN CHAOS

VANCOUVER — A British Columbia real estate agent has been fined $20,000 after being caught on camera drinking milk straight out of the jug at a home he was showing.

(Thanks to B&C and The Perts)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

A Florida couple ran into an alligator in the most unexpected of places — under a Ford Mustang at a used car dealership.

(Thanks to Robert Moats and EricY)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Hovercraft crew rescues sheep swept out by waves

(Thanks to Ralph)

THEY DROPPED IT INTO A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA

46,000-Year-Old Worm Possibly Revived from Siberian Permafrost

(Thanks to Rick Day, Steve K., Jim Kenaston and Michael Moyer, who says "Is every goddam scientist bored out of his mind?  Who thinks reviving Pleistocene roundworms is a worthy vocation?  BTW, 46,000 years is approximately the wait at my local DMV for just about anything.")

IF YOU LIKED 'BARBIE,' YOU'LL LOVE 'BARNEY'

“We’re leaning into the Millennial angst of the property rather than fine-tuning this for kids,” McKeon said. “It’s really a play for adults. Not that it’s R-rated, but it’ll focus on some of the trials and tribulations of being 30-something, growing up with Barney—just the level of disenchantment within the generation.”

In other words: FUN!

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

STEP 1: DETERMINE ITS SIZE, IN GIRAFFES

How to Survive a Killer Asteroid

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

SEND IT TO WASHINGTON

A new millipede species is crawling under LA. It’s blind, glassy and has 486 legs

(Thanks to Ralph)

CANADA: LAND OF EXCITEMENT

Manitoba town star of insect repellent ad

(Thanks to The Perts)

THOSE THINGS SHOULD NOT EVEN BE LEGAL

Frozen bananas flung onto highway, damaging five vehicles in Berks Co.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

THIS WOULD HAVE NO AFFECT ON FLORIDA DRIVERS

French village disorients drivers with crisscrossed white lines

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "French village on high alert.")

LOVE WILL FIND A WAY

Girl Keeps Cutting Power in Her Home Village to Meet Lover under Cover of Darkness

(Thanks to Ralph)

WANT TO FEEL OLDER THAN YOU ALREADY DO?

Mick Jagger is 80.

(Thanks to Steve K.)

WHY WE NEED THE INTERNET

This.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

BUT YOU GET BOTH LEFT AND RIGHT

‘Ultra-rare’ Apple sneakers on sale for $50,000

(Thanks to Steve K.)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Naked woman gets out of car at major Bay Area bridge, starts firing gun

(Thanks to Robert Moats and Asher Scheiner)

'PRE-ORDERS'

World’s first flying electric car headed for US dealerships as it racks up $750M in pre-orders

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT

Manatee dies at Florida aquarium after ‘high intensity sexual behavior’ with brother

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Woman attempting to rescue parrot gets stranded on cliff

(Thanks to John Lobert) 

STEP 1: STOP PUTTING CHEESE ON YOUR FEET

If your Tesla starts to stink like cheesy feet, this is what you have to do

(Thanks to John W)

WELL YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO CARRY THEM ON

Raccoon shows up on baggage belt at Philadelphia airport

(Thanks to Ralph, and to John Lobert, who asks "Where was it supposed to show up?")

HUMANS HAVE DONE WAY WORSE

BOFFINS developed the first AI engine to write love songs — and it came up with the line: “You’re my biohazard baby”.

(Thanks to Maryann)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Sullivan's is removing its outdoor seating due to aggressive seagulls

(Thanks to Ann Farr)

WHAT'S THAT SPEEDING PINK BLOB IN THE SKY?

Asteroid the size of 100 Barbie dolls to pass Earth on Thursday

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WE DON'T THINK SO

In celebration of National Mustard Day on August 5, the candy brand has partnered with French’s to make its first-ever mustard-flavored Skittle.

(Thanks to Rich Klinzman)

GIT ALONG, LITTLE DOGIES

China flat owner who kept 7 cows on verandah ordered to remove animals after neighbours complain of smell and noise

(Thanks to Nancy Gill and Ralph)

THEY'RE DOING WHAT TO BEAVERS?

California aims to tap beavers, once viewed as a nuisance, to help with water issues and wildfires

(Thanks to Matt Filar and The Perts)

TEENS IN ACTION

Hundreds evacuated after teenage girl sets fire to hotel sofa following fight with mother

(Thanks to MOTW)

HOW HOT IS IT?

School librarian says his shoes melted while helping kids cross the street

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

After years of being casually peed on by humans, this tree is peeing back.

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

BACK IN THE SIXTIES THIS WAS A STANDARD DRUM SOLO

Northern Ireland man plays drums for over 150 hours straight

Related: This is a video of musician Eric Carr playing the drums he set up in the style of QWERTY keyboard, so as he types something out with his drumsticks, he’s also performing a drum solo.

(Thanks to John Lobert)