Dave Barry's Blog

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Flying sofa seen over Turkish capital during storm

(Thanks to Holland Daze and Steve Bradford, who says "Ding dong, the witch is dead.")

CSI: COOKESVILLE, TENN.

A man was found with several bottles of urine after crashing into a fence while driving under the influence, according to police.

It's a Mystery: Police did not clarify where the urine came from.

(Thanks to Bill Carver)

THE WORD IS ‘HERO’

Bobcat Jumps Out Of Tree & Flies Through The Air To Catch Squirrel On The Golf Course

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

ADVISORY:

Check your shoes for snakes

(Thanks to Rick Day)

FLORIDA GUYS IN ACTION

Florida man jumps on 12-foot gator’s back to free his dog from the reptile

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

THIS BLOG STANDS WITH THEM

Dancers at Los Angeles bar to become only unionized strippers in US after 15-month battle

(Thanks to EricY)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

On Jan. 5 the U.S. Navy received a 20-year U.S. patent for a method that is essentially designed to “feed the bad bugs metal so they stick to a magnet.”

(Thanks to EricY)

A+ FOR CREATIVITY

Rumours of alien invasion created to stop math test, Michigan superintendent says

(Thanks to B&C)

EVERYONE INVOLVED, INCLUDING THE TURTLE, HAS A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Florida driver stops for turtle crossing busy highway, causes multi-vehicle crash: video

(Thanks to Paul Rodden)

THEY HAVE NOTHING TO GO ON

State Police Investigate Theft of Toilet Paper in Spartansburg

(Thanks to Ralph)

BEFORE THE INTERNET, THIS WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE

YouTuber pleads guilty to intentionally crashing his plane for a wallet sponsorship

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

AND IN FLORIDA YOUTH SPORTS

Child rescued from 'dust devil' in baseball game

(Thanks to Steve Bradford)

YOU KNOW WHO'S GIVING THE ORDERS

Chicken loose on subway tracks halts service in Mexico City

(Thanks to The Perts)

STRUMPDATE

Wonderful crowd in Ohio last night. Thank you, nice people. Tonight at 7 I'll be Clayton, Mo., so if you're in the St. Louis area, I hope to see you there. I'll be the person signing every random object placed in front of me, so if you bring an infant be careful where you set it down.

URGENT CELEBRITY BULLETIN

Rita Moreno Admits She ‘Peed’ In Designer Gown At Kennedy Awards Dinner

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THIS IS HERESY

Oscar Mayer’s Wienermobile is getting a new name

(Thanks to B&C, Rich Klinzman, wiredog and Stan Ruth)

JUST PRETZELS FOR US, THANKS

Edible Manchurian Scorpions

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

IT'S A TRICK

Squirrel tags along with golfers for wild round with very happy ending

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)

THEY HAVE NO DECENY

Squirrels and mongoose bully cobra

(Thanks to MOTW, John Lobert and Ralph)

AND IN YOUTH SPORTS

Umpire tackles deputy at youth game

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

IT'S TIME WE KNEW

Do Sharks Fart?

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

HE 'CLAIMED TO HOLD BLACK BELTS IN JUDO AND KARATE'

Florida man arrested after throwing piece of deli meat at police officer

(Thanks to EricY and Robert Moats)

STRUMPDATE

Fine even last night at the Frugal Muse bookstore. On hand were two blog legends: Not My Usual Alias -- who introduced me and baffled thrilled the crowd by wearing a gator onesie -- and The Amazing Steve, who came dressed as a regular human. Tonight I'll be in Parma, Ohio, for a 7 p.m. event for the Cuyahoga County Public Library. Come on out, Cleveland-area people! Even if you don't have a reptile costume!

AUSTRALIA: IT'S NOT JUST THE SNAKES THAT WILL GET YOU

Man arrested after allegedly assaulting police officer with hamburger

(Thanks to Ralph)

SURE THEY ARE

What 10 American cities will look like in 2050, predicted by AI: DailyMail.com asks software to imagine future cities - and they are filled with flying cars, solar power and lush vegetation

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Organizers of the annual Cows on the Concourse event are excited to bring cows back to downtown Madison for their event, which is held on Saturday, June 3, 2023. This free, family-friendly event, themed “Who Let the Cows Out,” kicks off National Dairy Month celebrations in Dane County.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

THEY MADE HIM DO IT

Driving high with squirrels leads to charges

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

IT'S A START

Beavers, rabbits, squirrels added to Michigan nuisance kill list

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

ASTEROID MEASUREMENT-UNIT UPDATE

Mega asteroid as tall as 85 Ryan Reynolds set to slam into Earth's orbit next week

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

NO.

Seriously, no.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WE BLAME GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE

Why are so many young Americans adopting fake British accents?

(Thanks to Matt Filar, who blames Peppa Pig)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

The pet I’ll never forget: every night I would sing to Cackles the goose. Then tragedy struck

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

STRUMPDATE

Today I'm back on The Road, headed for the Chicago area, where tonight at 7 I'll be at Frugal Muse Books, which is somewhere around Chicago unless the scheduling department has made a terrible mistake. See you there! Yes, you.

LUCKILY FOR HIM THE DOG HAD A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

Driver tried to switch places with his dog on DUI stop in Colorado town, police say

(Thanks to Ralph)

OTHER THAN THAT IT WORKED TO PERFECTION

‘Pregnant’ woman takes off running as drugs fall out of her fake belly, SC cops say

(Thanks to Robert Moats, Barry Nester and EricY)

FYI

They come out at night to have sex on your face.

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

WE ARE SHOCKED, SHOCKED

'Virtual Girlfriend' Chatbot Trained on Conversations With Men Starts Talking Mostly About Sex

(Thanks to P. Cynic)

COULD BE!

A woman was going for a walk when she happened to spot an unusual white figure on the British beach in the distance, which she believes could be otherworldly in nature

(Thanks to John Lobert)

TWO WORDS THAT YOU GENERALLY DO NOT THINK OF TOGETHER

Cinderella Toilet

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

JUST A BRISK WALK FOR US, THANKS

The Wildest Fitness Trend is Jumping Like a Bunny

(Thanks to Maryann)

CANADA: A NATION GRIPPED BY TERROR

Toronto man arrested for allegedly assaulting someone with a python

(Thanks to B&C, who say "Why assault someone just because they have a python?")

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, BLOG MOMS

Or as we say in Miami:

WHAT CHOICE DID HE HAVE?

Man allegedly steals car, crashes into Florida building while looking for internet connection

(Thanks to William Falzone, who says "In Florida, we have to have our wifi.  Someone forgot to tell this guy wifi is free at most restaurants.")

HERESY

AM radio is being removed from many cars

(Thanks to Steve K, who says "I'm keeping my garage locked.")

NOT EVEN CLOSE

The US States With The Worst Drivers, Ranked

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "Florida should demand a recount!")

A 2-YEAR-OLD BOY WAS WALKING HER DOG? IN A SECOND-STORY WINDOW?

Pregnant Woman Catches 2-Year-Old Boy Who Fell from Second-Story Window While Walking Her Dog

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IF THE WHALES ARE TALKING TO ALIENS, OREGON IS IN BIG TROUBLE

Can Understanding Whale Speech Help Us Talk to Aliens?

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

SPRING BREAK

Warning to New Forest visitors as 18 stallions described as 'horny teenagers' released

(Thanks to Ralph)

BOLO II

Missing monkey, seen in Pinson area, is wearing yellow pants and dragging a leash, owner says

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and Jack Shelnutt)

GUYS IN ACTION

Minnesota man invents beer-powered motorcycle

(Thanks to John Lobert, Rodney Bertelsen, Michael Parry and Barry Nester)