Dave Barry's Blog

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World's largest T-shirt unfurled in Romania

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THIS IS WHY WE MUST LOWER THE ELEVATOR BUTTONS

Seal wanders into California hotel, climbs stairs

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO TAKE YOUR MATCHES AND GO

The song “We Didn’t Start the Fire” was blasting from inside a Minnesota building that was set ablaze by the landlord

(Thanks to Perth Jim)

$35,000 IS NOT ENOUGH FOR THIS OUTRAGE

An Albany mother claims she was left “angry” and “betrayed” when the apple pie she thought she was buying from a local ShopRite turned out to be a cherry pie, leading her daughter to get sick when she ate a piece of it, according to a lawsuit filed Tuesday in Albany County Supreme Court.

(Thanks to Doug Ogg, who says "Hard to imagine the pain.")

AND YOU MISSED IT

Almost 1,500 Kyles travel to Kyle for world’s biggest gathering of Kyles

(Thanks to EricY)

HIS T-SHIRT SAYS 'I AM COMPOST'

Dutch Inventor Creates Mushroom Coffin

(Thanks to EricY)

PLEASE HELP YOURSELF

Avon Bakery Employee Encounters Bear Stealing 60 Cupcakes

(Thanks to Ann Farr)

IT'S A TRICK

Squirrel pays a visit to Yankees Stadium during Orioles game

(Thanks to John Lobert)

FLORIDAAAAAAAA

Woman in pink dress steals $120,000 tractor, Florida cops say. And then it got weird

(Thanks to Robert Moats and Ralph)

JUST NOODLES FOR US, THANKS

Taipei restaurant introduces ramen dish topped with giant isopod

(Thanks to Roberto)

'ERECTED' HEH HEH

Giant gold genitals erected at Buddhist temple to honor ‘origin of life’

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THE VERY DEFINITION OF NEWS

Poisonous Cobra Dies After Being Bitten by 8-Year-Old Boy

(Thanks to klezmerphan)

AND IN SPORTS

Third annual worm charming championships sees winners wiggle to victory

(Thanks to John Lobert)

Video here.

(Thanks to Ralph)

1. THEY'RE NOT ON SOCIAL MEDIA. 2. WE DON'T CARE ABOUT 'THEIR OWN SAFETY.'

Things will be getting a little squirrely at Unitil this week as the utility company launches its 2nd Annual “Squirrel Week” social media campaign to bring attention to the danger these furry friends pose to electric infrastructure and their own safety.

(Thanks to Annette)

UM, IT'S A TURTLE

Huge prehistoric-looking creature spotted in California lake. Take a look — if you dare

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

WHAT CHOICE DID HE HAVE?

Kentucky man, 64, shoots his roommate in the buttocks after he ate the last Hot Pocket in the freezer

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w and Barry Nester)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Florida man charged with aggravated DWI after being clocked at 171 mph on motorcycle in NH

(Thanks to Gregory Dunn)

IF THEY DO, THEY BLAME IT ON DOGS

Do Cats Fart?

(Thanks to MOTW)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO BACK TO THE FUTURE

A 37-year-old man claiming to be a time traveler was arrested after he told Ocala police that he threw a brick through a home window to save the occupants from a future event.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE WILD MIDWEST

Steer on the run for weeks lassoed, captured on Detroit-area freeway

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SAW GROINS OF FIRE OPEN FOR THE TROGGS

‘Uncommon’ creature — with ‘groins of fire’ — discovered as new species in Peru

(Thanks to MOTW)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Jude Law wore perfume that smelled like 'blood, fecal matter, and sweat' to play Henry VIII in a new movie

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

BOLO

A 30-ton shipment of explosive chemicals traveling from Wyoming to California by rail disappeared en route, officials say

(Thanks to MOTW and Robert Moats)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

Maryland guardian arrives in stolen vehicle to take custody of teens arrested for auto theft, police say

(Thanks to MOTW)

DUDES

Seagulls ‘high on spice’ after making off with stashes of drugs

(Thanks to Ralph)

NEXT CHALLENGE: PUBERTY

12-year-old to be youngest to graduate from Fullerton College with five degrees

(Thanks to klezmerphan, who says "Just in case you weren't feeling inadequate enough.")

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS THIS BLOG DID NOT FINISH READING

I’m Joe, Web marketing consultant of a Digital Marketing Agency. I feel your website needs attention in terms of rectifying moderate to significant errors apart from certain essential elements to update.

Would you prefer to take a quick look at all the errors of your website?

AND IN GOLF

Jordan Spieth dumps opening PGA shot into toilets, swears, internet melts

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

We apologize for all the toilets on the blog this morning. But we have a professional responsibility to report the news as it happens.

AN IGUANA WAS WEARING IT

Woman gets wedding ring back 13 years after flushing it down toilet

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

THEIR NATURAL HABITAT

Iguana found inside Florida home’s toilet

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

BUT IT COMES WITH FRIES

A Philadelphia restaurant that opened on Friday is serving hamburgers with a $700 price tag.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

Update: For dessert, how about some ice cream?

(Thanks to B&C)

OF COURSE BY THE TIME THIS HAPPENS WE'LL ALL HAVE FLYING CARS

Inside incredible triple decker FLYING HOTEL airliner that could carry 800 passengers & is bigger than a Boeing 747

Sure They Would: Cruise passengers would also be hoped to have access to onboard facilities such as a restaurant, a spa, a cinema, shops and a casino.

"Be hoped to."

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Seattle named dog poop capital of the US

(Thanks to Ralph)

BAFFLED, HELL: WE'RE GOBSMACKED

People baffled after spotting 'Nike shoes' in 400-year-old painting

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHO COULD HAVE FORESEEN IT?

Russian Popeye regrets injecting oil into biceps and admits damage cannot be fixed

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Investigation of average crosslink distance and physicochemical properties of gummy candy during storage: Effect of formulation and storage temperature

(Thanks to MOTW)

HELLO, FARMERS?

An Essex couple have spent 10 months seeking compensation after 18 escaped water buffaloes stampeded through their garden, with eight of them taking a morning dip in their new swimming pool.

(Thanks to Roberto)

IT'S SANDWICH WEEK IN BRITAIN, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS

EXCLUSIVE: Experts settle debate on whether sandwiches should be cut into triangles or rectangles

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston, who says "Exclusive.")

CANADA: A NATION GRIPPED BY TERROR

Bird 'explodes' all over rollercoaster rider at Canada's Wonderland

(Thanks to Ralph)

Remember what happened to Fabio?

WE OLDER FOLKS CAN RELATE

Big Ben fails to bong for second time in a week

(Thanks to Steve K.)

ATTENTION:

It's Almost Time To Get Your Johnson Ready For Summer

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

STRUMPDATE

Today at 4:15 I'll be appearing at the Gaithersburg Book Festival, where I'll be in conversation with my old friend, editor, and co-Hunt designer Tom Shroder. Join us! Afterward we can march on Washington and straighten everything out.

THE ANSWER IS ONE WORD, AND IT RHYMES WITH 'TWIRLS'

Orcas have sunk 3 boats in Europe and appear to be teaching others to do the same. But why?

(Thanks to Annette)

AND IN SPORTS (IF YOU COUNT GOLF AS A SPORT)

Joel Dahmen Gives Fan Beer Money After Hitting Him with Tee Shot at PGA Championship

(Thanks to Steve K.)

ALL WE KNOW AT THIS POINT IS THAT IT HAS A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Mysterious ticking sound leads scientists to creature with green bones in Colombia

(Thanks to Robert Moats, who says "They already used this in Peter Pan.")

THIS IS WHY WE HAVE THE DEATH PENALTY

FBI charges man with stealing Dorothy's The Wizard of Oz slippers

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

DUDES

American Workers Testing Positive for Marijuana Reaches 25-Year Record

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AMS, YOU ARE ALL FREE TO GO

Woman pulled over in the Florida Keys had 28 licenses

(Thanks to EricY, who says "A Florida... never mind.")

GUESS THE CONTINENT

Snake found napping in bar manager's desk drawer

(Thanks to John Lobert)

CONTRACTOR GUYS IN ACTION

Blowtorch used as weed trimmer sparks Ann Arbor house fire

Yet Apparently It Needs To Be Said: “It should go without saying that using a blow-torch to kill weeds next to a structure is an incredibly poor decision,” wrote the fire department on social media.

(Thanks to Geoff Scott)