Dave Barry's Blog

THE SCARY PART WAS, IT WASN'T HIS FOOT

Driver fell fast asleep in traffic on I-95, with one foot on brake, Florida cops say

(Thanks to EricY)

CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL

Woman accused of pointing gun inside Cracker Barrel, firing it inside Waffle House off I-20

(Thanks to EricY and Robert Moats)

AND IN SPORTS

Furious man smashes beauty pageant winner's crown after his wife comes second

(Thanks to Alan Dean)

CANADA: A NATION GRIPPED BY TERROR

Toothpaste thief caught with $2,100 worth of tubes

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE BET THE CHICKS DIG IT

A man's 'optical illusion' tattoo looks like he has a massive hole in his bald head.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE WERE PROMISED FLYING CARS

AI industry and researchers sign statement warning of ‘extinction’ risk

(Thanks to Alan Dean and Steve K., who says "I had a serious discussion with my computer, and told it that I know where the plug is.")

THE LATEST FROM THE 'PALEO' HEALTH MOVEMENT

You don't want to know.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

OF ALL THE PRODUCTS THAT AREN'T REAL BUT WE WISH THEY WERE

This is the one we wish was real the most.

'WHO, ME, OFFICER?'

An alligator tried pulling off a rather peculiar stunt in coastal North Carolina, when it crawled into a donkey pen and tried to blend in, according to the New Hanover County Sheriff’s Office.

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND IN SPORTS

Woman wins UK cheese rolling race despite being knocked unconscious

(Thanks to many people)

SHE'S A SELF-DESCRIBED 'AMATEUR SCIENTIST,' SO THIS HAS TO BE LEGIT

Aliens are mutilating sheep in Wales and leaving 'very precise' clues, claims UFO hunter

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THEREBY QUALIFYING FOR AN ADDITIONAL FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Woman drives into water at New Smyrna Beach park, faces DUI charge, deputies say

(Thanks to Duane Carrell)

'DAREDEVIL' IS ONE WAY TO DESCRIBE HIM

British daredevil sailor is forced to delay solo attempt to cross the Atlantic in a tiny 3ft boat after discovering his boat takes on water

(Thanks to Mr. Ridley Pearson)

STRUMPDATE

Here I am on a Portland (Ore.) TV station talking about my new book, which apparently is called "Swap Story."

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL

85-year-old man arrested for stealing condoms from convenience store

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

JUST BLACK COFFEE FOR US, THANKS

A cafe in the Russian city of Perm has been getting a lot of attention after announcing plans to introduce a controversial breast milk-infused latte on its menu.

(Thanks to Ralph)

GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE STRIKES AGAIN

Heavy rains expose ancient phallus

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THINKING OF GOING FOR A SWIM THIS MEMORIAL DAY?

Think again.

(Thanks to The Perts)

A FLORIDA SAILING LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

BMW convertible drifts out to sea after owner parked on beach

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w and Ralph)

MEMORIAL DAY

Have a good one. But please remember -- and remind your kids -- what it's about.

CANADA: A NATION GRIPPED BY TERROR

Man breaks in, mops floor, takes selfies, steals cupcakes in Vancouver robbery

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

NOPE

Squirrel haggis and Japanese knotweed reach UK menus as invasive species trend grows

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner, who says "I'd rather eat the bugs.")

AMBIENCE!

Seagull scarer in bird outfit helps diners eat their seaside fish and chips in peace

(Thanks to John Lobert)

CRY US A RIVER

Warming Arctic Could Put Chill On Squirrel 'Date Nights'

(Thanks to Rodney Bertelsen)

AND IN BASEBALL

Mets’ Pete Alonso hit first-pitch homer because he had to poop: ‘Straight to the bathroom’

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

ALSO 'GOOD SHERRY'

I’m a 102-year-old — good sex is my secret to a long life

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Michael Parry)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Last week, police shared online that Rhinehart was a wanted man for having multiple warrants. They alerted the public to contact them if the 20-year-old was spotted. Rhinehart then replied to the social media post saying, “Y’all almost had [me] the other day you gotta be quicker than that.”

(Thanks to nursecindy)

UPDATE

Man who terrified passengers by opening aircraft door midair ‘wanted to get off quickly’

Well in that case, sir...

(Thanks to Steve K.)

GUYS IN ACTION

Pa. man in jail after nearly burning his house down trying to kill spiders

(Thanks to The Fourth George)

THEY'RE EVERYWHERE

Meet the ‘gummy squirrel’ and thousands of other newly discovered deep-sea species – in pictures

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

AND IN HONG KONG SPORTS

At the stroke of midnight, the 12 brave participants scrambled up a 60-foot tower made of buns.

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

SUCH A DEAL

The pizzeria said 666 customers in New Zealand and 666 customers in Australia will be chosen for the AfterLife Pay program, which will delay payments for pizza until the customer has shuffled off this mortal coil.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE SON WILL LOOK BACK AND LAUGH ONE DAY, AFTER HE'S FINALLY OUT OF THERAPY

In Perry Township, one dad went all out to greet his son with a musical performance as he got off the school bus for the last time. Matt Wilson and his band, Union Suit Rally, donned black wigs and rocked "School's Out" by Alice Cooper.

(Thanks to Ralph)

FLORIDA ART CRITIC OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Derek Alan Modrok, a 49-year-old Florida resident, admitted to running his car into a tall, blue sculpture of a rabbit titled Thunderbunny by American artist Hunt Slonem, police said earlier this week.

Well in that case, sir: NBC Miami reported that Modrok told local police that he had targeted the work because the park it resided in was named after Justin Flippen, a former mayor of Wilton Manors who Modrok blamed “for the birds that we hear.”

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

SOUTH FLORDA NATURE UPDATE

Love is all around.

FYI

I’m a urologist — men have been peeing the wrong way

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

CONNECTICUT TACKLES THE ISSUES

Connecticut lawmakers have voted to exonerate 12 people more than 370 years after they were convicted of witchcraft in colonial America.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

FATHER’S DAY IS COMING

Always wanted a lighthouse? US is giving some away, selling others at auction

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

HE DROPPED IT WHILE TAKING A SELFIE

India official drains entire dam to retrieve phone

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

(He did not, in fact, drain the dam; he drained the reservoir.)

CRY US A RIVER

Male Arctic ground squirrels go through puberty every year. As if that wasn’t hard enough, now the females have a problem, too.

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

YOU ARE NOW FREE TO POOP YOUR DRAWERS

Terrifying moments as plane door opens midair on Asiana Airlines flight

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and EricY)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Drivers can change lanes using just their eyes in new BMW 5-series sedan

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

O THE HUMANITY, DUDES

Infectious Pathogen Silently Spreads To Over 90% Of California's Cannabis Farms, Destroying THC Production

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

IT WAS THE ONLY OPTION

Man steals backhoe for 10-mile drive to Illinois airport to catch flight

(Thanks to Ralph)

'SITZPINKLER'

_{Why German men urinate sitting down}

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THAT'S A LOT OF SALAD

Woman accused of breaking into restaurant to make salad, ruining $500 worth of food items

(Thanks to EricY)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

A researcher used her baby's used diapers to build a greener home

(Thanks to many people)

BUT YOU HAVE TO ASSEMBLE YOUR TABLE AND CHAIRS

IKEA's All-You-Can-Eat Midsummer Buffet Returns This Summer

(Thanks to klezmerphan)

WHO KNOWS WHAT THE OTHER SQUIRRELS WERE UP TO WHILE THE FIREFIGHTERS WERE DISTRACTED

Pet squirrel rescued from tree in Ohio

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WE THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA

Georgia reminds digital driver's license users to wear clothes for photos

(Thanks to John Lobert and Ralph)