Dave Barry's Blog

HE MIGHT EXPLODE

Man who fathered at least 550 children permanently banned from donating sperm by Dutch court

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan and B&C)

'IT'S DEFINITELY A TALKING POINT'

British man breaks world record with 17 flesh tunnels on his face

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "I'm guessing he's single.")

TALK ABOUT DEFINITIVE

Time-travel 'proof' as woman 'appears to be using an iPhone' in 150-year-old painting

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston and John Lobert)

THAT WOULD EXPLAIN A LOT

Are aliens playing 'Marco Polo' with us?

(Thanks to The Perts)

VAMPIRES USE STRAWS?

Velez told CNN that while vampire straws may be permitted in checked luggage in some states, they are illegal to carry in Massachusetts.

(Thanks to Steve K.)

THIS JUST IN

Iceberg lovers go wild over viral photos of the 'dickie berg' off Newfoundland's coast

Note where the photographer is from.

(Thanks Nigel Grout, Stan Ruth, The Perts and Ralph)

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER JOURNALISM AWARD

Woman bites into KitKat and finds there’s no wafer, just solid chocolate

(Thanks to John Lobert)

STRUMPDATE

I'm at the Sonoma Valley Authors Festival with the legendary (and very funny) Isabel Allende. I love this lady, because in addition to being a lovely person and a fantastic writer, she makes me feel tall.

 

FLORIDA WILL OPEN ITS ARMS TO THIS YOUNG MOTORIST

23-Year-Old Finally Arrested After Having Driver’s License Suspended 65 Times

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THAT SHOULD DO IT

Plans to erect giant inflatable poo in Wellington to raise awareness of emergency toilets

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IF THAT DOESN'T WIN HER HEART, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL

Romantic rival sentenced after defecating on vehicle of executive in The Villages

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

AND THE SO-CALLED ‘UNITED NATIONS HUMAN RIGHTS COUNCIL’ DOES NOTHING

Barry Manilow musical ‘Harmony’ to hit Broadway in fall

(Thanks to Nancy Gill and Jeff Meyerson)

STRUMPDATE

For the next three weeks or so, this blog will be on book tour, which is when a publisher sends an author out to see how long he or she can survive without clean laundry. During this time blogging may be sporadic (from the Greek, meaning “filled with spores”).

We’re heading to California today, then to New York, then to numerous other places. Here’s a schedule. We hope to see you out there. But we advise you to stay upwind.

NOT C-3PO, WE HOPE

In a fascinating breakthrough, 2 babies were born after being fertilized by a sperm that came from a robot.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

THANK YOU

Automakers are starting to admit that drivers hate touchscreens. Buttons are back!

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

WE'RE SEEING THE LOCH NESS MONSTER

Woman opens pack of Tesco ham to find ‘Princess Diana’ staring back at her

(Thanks to John Lobert)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

'Dwarf Bullfighting' Banned In Spain

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "They might as well shred the Spanish Bill of Rights, if they have one.")

GUESS THE STATE

A woman has been ordered to have “no contact with animals” after shooting and killing her pet parrot with a Glock handgun during a fight with her husband, police say.

(Thanks to William Falzone)

STILL DELICIOUS

Couple Discovers 63-Year-Old Preserved McDonald's Fries in Bathroom Wall During Home Renovation

(Thanks to Tom Meerschaert)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE TRAVELING BETWEEN BRECHFA AND PONTYNSWEN:

A group of disgruntled residents in a Welsh community have erected a sign warning drivers to ‘adjust their bra straps’ and to ‘secure their nuts’ due to the number of potholes on a rural road which they describe as “the worst in the county”.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

GUYS IN ACTION

This is a video of self proclaimed science enthusiast and race car driver Chris Rollins constructing and testing the world’s fastest garbage can

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, BON APPETIT!

Suspect Caught With Bag Of Heroin Claimed It Was Actually Chili Powder From Guatemala

(Thanks to Ralph)

THEY WERE ETC. AFTER ETC.

Pony and goat found walking together on Connecticut highway

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THEY DO IF YOU READ THIS BLOG

Asteroid Measurements Make No Sense

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

A SQUIRREL AND A BIRD ARE KILLING YOUTHS?

Police search for squirrel and bird 'killing' youths in Wirral

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner, who says "This is why hyphens are so important.")

THAT WAS PROBABLY AN ACTUAL SQUIRREL

Exorcist saw 'possessed' 5ft nun crawl up wall 'like a squirrel' and 'overpower six men'

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

THEY WERE BOTH RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING ETC.

Mysterious, Glowing Twin UFOs Caught On Video In The Sky Over Florida

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Woman thinks she’s found an owl in her frothy morning coffee

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WOMEN:

Do NOT click here.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

WHO'S 'WE?'

Sex in Space Is Inevitable—and Scientists Say We Need to Be Ready

(Thanks to Robert Moats, who says "Houston, we have an orgasm.")

HOW MUCH IS THAT IN EGGPLANTS?

'Potentially hazardous' asteroid as tall as the Eiffel Tower will zoom by Earth today

(Thanks to EricY)

WHEW

No, french fries won't make you depressed, experts say

(Thanks to B&C, who say "pass the ketchup.")

SUCH A DEAL

Here's the link.

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

A herd of goats went on the lam through downtown San Francisco, stopping traffic and leaving “a trail of green poop” to Fisherman’s Wharf, California officials say.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

POLLY WANT BETTER WIFI

Parrots learn to make video calls to chat with other parrots, then develop friendships, Northeastern University researchers say

(Thanks to Stan Ruth and George Gillson)

CANADA: A NATION GRIPPED BY TERROR

What's that weird smell in North Vancouver?

(Thanks to The Perts)

ASTEROID MEASUREMENT-UNIT UPDATE

Asteroid the size of 48 eggplants to pass Earth Tuesday

(Thanks to Dave Vander Ark)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Homeopathic doctor coats car with cow dung to beat the heat

(Thanks to Ralph)

"Homeopathic" comes from the Greek words "homeopath," meaning "in," and "ic," meaning "sane."

BOLO

Exmouth aghast after iconic and popular 'rusty pole' disappears from the Maer

(Thanks to Ralph)

FATHER’S DAY IS COMING

Navy Wants To Sell-Off Six Nearly New Littoral Combat Ships

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

WE ARE 100 PERCENT WITH THIS WOMAN

Woman videoed angrily smashing robot in Chinese hospital garners sympathy online

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

MALE GOLFERS:

Do NOT click here.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

10,000 new viruses identified in babies’ dirty diapers

(Thanks to Annette)

WE THOUGHT THIS ALREADY

Monkeys are smarter than we thought

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston, who says "Send those monkeys to Washington, quickly!")

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

An American Airlines passenger peed on another traveler on a New York to India flight

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

YOU KNOW THE CONTINENT

Woman Finds Venomous Snake Tapping at Her Door

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

AND IN SPORTS

The Belgian coastal town of De Panne organised on Sunday the third European seagull screeching championship

(Thanks to Ralph)

ATTENTION, SCREENWRITERS:

ARKANSAS WOMAN FEEDS METH TO FAWNS HOPING THEY WILL GROW UP TO ATTACK HUNTERS

What: A homeowner followed one of the deer back to Watkins residence in an attempt to recover his property, he found himself face to face with Watkins wearing only a duct tape bikini disassembling his clock radio.

(Thanks to James Freeman)

CANADA PLUNGES EVEN DEEPER INTO ANARCHY

Southwestern Ontario town pulls confusing road sign

(Thanks to The Perts)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Lamb found in car with 'drugs worth £10,000' on Scots motorway

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says "The British squirrels are recruiting henchmen.") (Technically, it was a henchlamb.)