Dave Barry's Blog

THE EPIDEMIC IS SPREADING

Nightmare As Child Lifts Toilet Seat Lid To Find 5ft Python

Enormous Python Found Emerging from Toilet That Wouldn't Flush

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

WE HAVE LOST OUR MINDS, AS A SPECIES

Since February, the city has begun to unveil the concrete squirrel sculptures as part of the Seguin Squirrel Trail Program. Each sponsored squirrel is painted by a local artist and then permanently mounted somewhere throughout the community.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS TO THE BLOG THAT WE DID NOT FINISH READING

Hello admin,

I have found your website from a google search and visited.

IT WAS THE ONLY RATIONAL RESPONSE

Taco Bell customer damages drive-thru, threatens to shoot employees when told he can't order breakfast burrito

(Thanks to Ralph)

BUT STILL ON THE CLOCK

Firefighters discover ‘missing’ plumber asleep in crawl space under California home

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

THEY'RE WEARING DISGUISES, YOU FOOL

I Can't Believe How Different Squirrels Look In Other Countries

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

WE ASSUME IT WILL FAIL

NYC’s Museum of Failure opens to make us feel better about our lives

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

APPARENTLY THESE RESEARCHERS HAVE NEVER RIDDEN THE NEW YORK CITY SUBWAY

Apparently, sniffing the sweat of another person could be a useful way to give your mental health a boost, says a team of Swedish researchers

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WHICH CAN ALSO BE DEADLY

Bomb-sniffing dog leads handlers to explosive outside the NYSE — which turned out to be rat poop

(Thanks to EricY and John Lobert)

ASTEROID MEASUREMENT-UNIT UPDATE

Giant 'city killer' asteroid to fly by Earth TOMORROW - and it's bigger than 4,000 buses

(Thanks to John Lobert)

GUESS WHERE THIS PLANT IS LOCATED

'Hurt more than childbirth': Mom of 4 who fell onto deadly 'suicide plant' while biking recounts ordeal

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WE'RE GUESSING IT'S DRUGS

How jumping spiders became the new ‘it’ pets

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

HEY, CAT PEOPLE:

You have some explaining to do.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

'INTERTWINING THEIR GIANT PENISES'

David Attenborough’s Wild Isles shocks viewers with graphic slug sex scene

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE STAND WITH BERLIN

Berlin welcomes topless female swimmers in victory for activists

(Thanks to Carlos Montage)

CANADA: A NATION GRIPPED BY TERROR

B.C. family comes home from vacation to find a goat has moved in

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

SO SCIENTISTS ARE ALSO DOING THIS?

Beetles suck water into their butts to stay hydrated, and now scientists know how

(Thanks to Ralph)

IS THERE ANYTHING THAT *ISN'T* OUR FAULT?

French blame 'Americanisation' of baking bread for causing farting epidemic

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) have revealed that they’ve tested over 1,000 Oreos to figure out the best way to eat the beloved cookie.

(Thanks to Annette)

THERE'S AN OINTMENT FOR THAT

What's That Big White Splotch on Uranus?

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

ATTENTION ALL HANDS: PEE OVER THE SIDE

Toilets on the Navy's newest aircraft carriers clog frequently, and fixing them costs $400,000 a flush

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

NOBODY IN AUSTRALIA SHOULD TOUCH OR EVEN APPROACH *ANYTHING*

Australians warned not to touch or even approach the poisonous Dendrocnide moroides trees there

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Rick Day)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, HERE'S A TREAT AND YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Man tells deputies his name is ‘Dog’ and barks during traffic stop, Florida cops say

(Thanks to Doug in Sacramento)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

Potatoes are better than human blood for making space concrete bricks, scientists say

(Thanks to Mordechai Michael Schmutter)

MAYONNAISE: FOOD OF LOVE

They actually met for the first time in the mayonnaise aisle and they wanted to commemorate the occasion by returning to this specific location.

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

NEXT LEVEL OF *WHAT*?

Designs To Take Your Nails To The Next Level

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WE WERE PROMISED FLYING CARS

You Can Now Order a Starbucks Drink Based on Your Zodiac Sign

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

ASTEROID MEASUREMENT-UNIT UPDATE

Asteroid the size of 22 tuna fish to fly closer to Earth than the Moon

(Thanks to John Grant and Maryann)

PAGING LES NESSMAN

Nevada church to have 10K Easter eggs dropped from helicopter

(Thanks to Mike in Dayton)

CUBA, KANSAS: CITY OF EXCITEMENT

What started as a friendly competition with a neighboring town to see who could keep a rocking chair oscillating the longest, has turned into an annual tradition of food and merriment.

(Thanks to Dave Vander Ark)

None of YOUR business

What color are YOUR boogers?

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko, who says "It's snot for me to say.")

UP TO THAT POINT IT WAS A FUN EXPERIENCE

Tourist survives bungee jump fall in Thailand after cord snaps

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THE ENVELOPE PLEASE...

'Not the most attractive': Underdog snail wins Mollusc of the Year

(Thanks to klezmerphan)

A BLOW FOR JUSTICE

Farting Lawyer Wins $170K Over Being Refused Permission to Work From Home

(Thanks to Annette)

WE SAW THREE LOOSE MEERKATS OPEN FOR THE KINGSTON TRIO

Three meerkats on the loose in Netherlands town

(Thanks to John Lobert)

DEFFANITELY

Are we growing more dumber? Americans’ IQ scores drop in four of five measurements

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

1:21 p.m. A man who had previously shoplifted, did not shoplift today.  

8:18 p.m. A man kept approaching passersby and letting them know he was a murderer. 

(Thanks to Roberto)

EVEN IF WE PLAY FLIGHT SIMULATOR?

Think you can land a plane in an emergency? Pilots explain why you can’t.

Unsurprising: Almost half of the men who responded were confident they could do it, compared with 20 percent of the women.

(Thanks to Steve K., who says “I guarantee I could get it on the ground.”)

NEXT STOP: WASHINGTON

South Carolina's top accountant to resign after $3.5B error

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

A California man who racked up almost three-dozen charges and 10 arrests in the past month was most recently busted for allegedly driving a stolen car to the police station to pick up his personal property, cops say.

(Thanks to Barry Nester, who says “Everybody makes mistakes.”)

‘HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY, DEAR?’

“Great!”

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

A HERO FOR OUR TIMES

Amazon PRIME: Driver walks through active police standoff in North Carolina to deliver package, hands item to SWAT officer before taking a picture to confirm delivery

(Thanks to John Lobert and Ralph)

IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Oregon baseball team unveils new uniforms paying homage to exploding whale

ASTEROID-MEASUREMENT-UNIT UPDATE

Huge asteroid the size of London's Big Ben will get closer to Earth than the MOON on Saturday

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

SO YOU'RE SAYING IT HAS FEET?

Lab-grown chicken is one step closer to being sold in the US

(Thanks to Ronald Troyer, who says "No.") 

KIND OF LIKE WHEN EXPLORERS DISCOVERED THE TOMB OF TUTANKHAMUN, EXCEPT... IT'S A CONVERSATION PIT

Homeowners discover pink 1970s ‘conversation pit’ hidden under their floors, and TikTok is obsessed

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

TikTok is easily obsessed. 

CANADA SINKS EVER DEEPER INTO CHAOS

Show us your Regina': Canadian town is slammed over 'gross' new $30k tourism campaign mocking fact city's name rhymes with vagina

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS

An Ozarks church leader claims prayer regrew a woman's toes.

For you skeptics: A website urging anyone with proof to share it has popped up at ShowMeTheToes.com.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

YOU KNOW WHO’S RUNNING THE SHOW

Feral Pigs Are Casually Destroying the Country. No One Can Stop Them.

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

I have a 55-inch butt — I use it to smuggle booze into bars

(Thanks to Michael Parry and Doug Ogg)