Dave Barry's Blog

WE WERE PROMISED FLYING CARS

Ancient ‘AI selfies’ reveal what snaps by Jesus and other historical figures might have looked like

BECAUSE IT'S THERE

People are freaking out over mystery man who scaled upright Miami drawbridge

(Thanks to Steve K., who says, correctly, "probably safer than normal Miami traffic.")

THE FINAL FOUR

We are in Houston to root for the University of Miami Fighting Storm Systems men's basketball team and also allow the playful 600-mph Texas wind to tousle our hair.

The Storm Systems' opponent is the University of Connecticut Panting Cornhuskers.

May the best team win, unless it is the opponents, in which case may the University of Miami win anyway.

AS OPPOSED TO WHAT? DOILIES?

Tyrannosaurus rex: our new research shows it covered its enormous teeth with lips

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

CELERY IS THE WORST

Plants make popping sounds that are undetectable to the human ear, according to recordings made in a new study — and they make more sounds when thirsty or under other kinds of stress.

Another version: In groundbreaking research, Tel Aviv U team records plants ‘talking’ for first time

(Thanks to The Perts and Barry Nester)

ANYTHING TO DECLARE?

Miami Traveler Arrested for Egg-Smuggling After Suitcase Starts Chirping, Feds Say

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOON TO BE INFESTED WITH LIQUID SQUIRRELS

Scientists create Liquid Trees; a tank full of water and micro-algae that could be an alternative to trees in urban areas

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

'SILENT MODE'

A new barbershop in San Francisco offers silent haircuts so that you no longer have to talk to your barber

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

CANADA IS COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL

CANADIAN BULL MOOSE CLIFF DIVES RIGHT IN FRONT OF ONLOOKERS

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

We saw Diving Moose open for the Cowsills.

WE BET HE ALSO CAN DRIVE A STICK SHIFT

Japanese surfer nears 90 and talks of catching waves at 100

(Thanks to B&C)

TIME FOR A BENEFIT CONCERT

Relocating 70 of Pablo Escobar’s ‘cocaine hippos’ to cost around $3.5 million

(Thanks to vee)

SOME NEWS ITEMS NEVER FAIL TO MAKE US GEEZERS SMILE

Here's one.

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

CANADA SINKS EVER DEEPER INTO CHAOS

A Canadian urban artist, who goes by the name Junko Playtime and works with “reclaimed materials,” created the massive spider and installed it under a bridge in Vancouver, according to an Instagram post on March 15.

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

In Australia, this would be a real spider, and nobody would notice.

ONE OF THE BEST

The great Mark Russell has died. He was a hilarious performer and just as funny one-on-one. I was fortunate enough to hang out with him from time to time over the years. A great guy.

SEEING IS BELIEVING, PEOPLE

Loch Ness Monster 'caught on camera' in latest sighting that left hunter 'blown away'

(Thanks to John Lobert)

NO MEANS NO

Africa's Giant Pouched Rats Simply Seal Up Their Vaginas When They Don't Want Kids

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

ASTEROID-MEASUREMENT-UNIT UPDATE

Asteroid the size of 18 platypus to fly closer to Earth than Moon

(Thanks to Ian Mark Sirota)

OF COURSE

Of course, no matter how hair-challenged a man may be, he is unlikely to look to castration as a treatment.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston and Roberto)

AFTER EVERYONE HAD A HEARTY LAUGH HE WAS TASERED

Driver shows ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card to deputy at traffic stop: ‘Points for the effort and humor’

(Thanks to ubetcha, who says “Bet he had a valid Florida driver’s license.”)

IS THERE ANY APPLIANCE IN AUSTRALIA THAT DOES *NOT* HAVE A DEADLY SNAKE UNDER IT?

Woman Discovers Venomous Snake's Head 'Poking Out' From Under Fridge

(Thanks to ubetcha)

WHAT KIND OF PERSON WOULD CHEAT A WALLEYE?

Competitive fishermen plead guilty in walleye cheating scandal

(Thanks to wiredog, who says "There is nothing lower.")

AUSTRALIAAAAAA

A giant trapdoor spider was discovered in Australia

(Thanks to Ranald Adams)

Deadly spiders that can kill in minutes and survive underwater are hiding out in swimming pools

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

LEAVE IT TO PROFESSIONALS

Doctors Really Don't Want You Shaving Your Butt

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

TOTALLY PROPORTIONAL

Woman attempts to set Tiberias city hall on fire over parking ticket

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

WE'VE BEEN SERVED MEATBALLS THAT OLD

Meatball from long-extinct mammoth created by food firm

(Thanks to Barry Nester, Jay Brandes, Doug Ogg, Ralph, Nelson from Michigan, Stan and The Perts)

HOW BIG IS THAT IN GIRAFFES?

A “bum splitting” Viking poo measuring 20cm long and 5cm wide remains the largest turd on record.

(Thanks to Annette, Jerome Stemnock and Ralph)

THIS JUST IN

Japanese Penis Festival shrine distances itself from penis mascot

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and Ralph)

Another version: Japanese penis festival says fake phallic mascot is making things really hard

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

IN THAT CASE, SIR...

Florida Man Arrested For Going 100 MPH, Claims He Needed To Go To Taco Bell

(Thanks to Ralph)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS TO THE BLOG THAT WE DID NOT FINISH READING

Hello, I’m working on a mental health and wellness campaign

'SO HOW WAS YOUR COMMUTE?'

Dramatic moment Kia Soul is launched 10 feet into the air after a loose wheel plows into it on LA freeway

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, who says "Kia Soul is the first flying car!")

FINALLY

MR ROGERS’ ‘WON’T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR?’ TO THE TUNE OF ‘HOUSE OF THE RISING SUN’

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

FOR POSTERITY, DUDE

This Bay Area startup is preserving the world’s best pot strains

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

HOW HEAVY IS THAT IN ARMADILLOS?

A 1,500 pound great white shark named ‘Breton’ is currently swimming off the coast of North Carolina

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and B&C, who asks "How do they know his name is Breton?")

'GAINING ACADEMIC CREDIBILITY' IS THE NEW WAY TO SAY 'STUPID'

The Idea That Everything From Spoons to Stones is Conscious is Gaining Academic Credibility

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

ASTEROID MEASUREMENT-UNIT UPDATE

Asteroid the size of 33 armadillos to pass Earth Sunday - NASA

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner and Mary Smith)

WHAT IF WE JUST WANT TO PEE?

As part of ‘The Tokyo Toilet‘ initiative, Sou Fujimoto has completed the design of a new restroom on the shopping street of Nishisando, Japan. Taking shape as a giant washbasin amid the busy neighborhood, its curvaceous silhouette stands out discreetly against the large buildings on the backdrop. The design team sought to form a ‘vessel open for everyone’ with a recessed center that can host people of all ages,‘ becoming part of our lives’.

Related: Finnish Company Debuts 'World's First' Flushable Wooden Toilet

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

WE WERE PROMISED FLYING CARS

You can now 'experience death' in virtual reality with disturbing new simulation

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner, who says "Exhibit does not include Elvis at the end of the tunnel.")

IF IT'S THE SQUIRRELS, WE'RE NOT SURE WHO WE'RE ROOTING FOR

Black widows are vanishing. Here's their new enemy.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

THE EPIDEMIC IS SPREADING

Nightmare As Child Lifts Toilet Seat Lid To Find 5ft Python

Enormous Python Found Emerging from Toilet That Wouldn't Flush

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

WE HAVE LOST OUR MINDS, AS A SPECIES

Since February, the city has begun to unveil the concrete squirrel sculptures as part of the Seguin Squirrel Trail Program. Each sponsored squirrel is painted by a local artist and then permanently mounted somewhere throughout the community.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS TO THE BLOG THAT WE DID NOT FINISH READING

Hello admin,

I have found your website from a google search and visited.

IT WAS THE ONLY RATIONAL RESPONSE

Taco Bell customer damages drive-thru, threatens to shoot employees when told he can't order breakfast burrito

(Thanks to Ralph)

BUT STILL ON THE CLOCK

Firefighters discover ‘missing’ plumber asleep in crawl space under California home

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

THEY'RE WEARING DISGUISES, YOU FOOL

I Can't Believe How Different Squirrels Look In Other Countries

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

WE ASSUME IT WILL FAIL

NYC’s Museum of Failure opens to make us feel better about our lives

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

APPARENTLY THESE RESEARCHERS HAVE NEVER RIDDEN THE NEW YORK CITY SUBWAY

Apparently, sniffing the sweat of another person could be a useful way to give your mental health a boost, says a team of Swedish researchers

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WHICH CAN ALSO BE DEADLY

Bomb-sniffing dog leads handlers to explosive outside the NYSE — which turned out to be rat poop

(Thanks to EricY and John Lobert)

ASTEROID MEASUREMENT-UNIT UPDATE

Giant 'city killer' asteroid to fly by Earth TOMORROW - and it's bigger than 4,000 buses

(Thanks to John Lobert)

GUESS WHERE THIS PLANT IS LOCATED

'Hurt more than childbirth': Mom of 4 who fell onto deadly 'suicide plant' while biking recounts ordeal

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WE'RE GUESSING IT'S DRUGS

How jumping spiders became the new ‘it’ pets

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)