Dave Barry's Blog

IF HE HAS IT, HE PROBABLY IS

Study Suggests Body Odor Can Reveal if a Man Is Single or Not

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE FRANKS

Thousands of cans of Bush’s Baked Beans spill after semi-truck wreck

(Thanks to AmoebaStampede, who says "send in the Wienermobile")

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

12:10 p.m. A man reported his mother kept trying to break into his house and steal his bearded dragon.

12:33 p.m. The mother in question was just trying to use the lizard as ransom to get her spider back.

We saw Ransom Lizard open for Whitesnake.

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

LOOKS VEGAN TO US

A business-class airline passenger who ordered vegan food says it was insulting to be served one banana along with a pair of chopsticks

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

TODAY IN BRITISH MEDIA COVERAGE OF WEIRD-SHAPED CRISPS:

Another wad of hard-hitting journalism.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

TOO BAD THIS DIDN’T HAPPEN IN HERSHEY

‘Marshmallows everywhere:’ 20 cases of the sweet treats create sticky situation in Camillus

(Thanks to Chris, who says “going to need more Graham crackers.”)

A QUESTION WE HAVE ALL ASKED OURSELVES

Should the moon have its own time zone?

(Thanks to GJ, who says “Next up: Uranus Time.”)

ATTENTION, ACADEMY VOTERS:

Cocaine Bear, Hold My Beer: Production Company Behind ‘Sharknado’ Releasing ‘Meth Gator’ Movie This Summer

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

DELUSIONAL

She rescues baby squirrels: ‘They’re quite destructive. I don’t care. I love them.’

(Thanks to Rick Day) 

WHAT'S THE POINT OF EVEN HAVING POLICE?

A Canadian woman called 911 to report a long line at a new Burger King drive-thru, prompting Mounties to issue a public reminder that being "hangry" is not a police emergency.

(Thanks to MOTW)

AND IN FLORIDA SPORTS

Rambling alligator puts stop to high school’s lacrosse practice

We saw them open for the Turtles.

CLEANUP ON AISLE SEVEN

City of Havelock warns public about Walmart alligator

(Thanks to Ralph)

FUN COUPLE

Boston property magnate worth $220m is accused of hiding $130m from movie director wife he's divorced twice, after she caught him spending $532,000 on WOODEN DUCKS (but he says she's so lazy she spent $80,000 on staffer to brush dogs' teeth!)

(Thanks to Roberto)

AGAIN, IF YOU WATCH ‘THE LAST OF US,’ YOU KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING

Jack Daniel's barrel houses are causing an out-of-control black 'whiskey fungus' in a Tennessee community, enraged residents say

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

‘HURT DOWN UNDER’

Aussie adult film star suffers injury during scene

(Thanks to John Lobert)

BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN WORRIED ABOUT THIS:

Thor, the masturbating walrus, finds pleasure in new location

(Thanks to Michael Parry)

WE’RE GUESSING THEY WOULD HAVE PREFERRED MONEY

Iowa State University gets 169 confiscated baby tarantulas

(Thanks to Ralph and GJ)

CASE CLOSED

Mexican president posts photo of what he claims is an elf

(Thanks to Ralph)

ADVISORY

TSA asks passengers to stop putting pets through X-ray machines

(Thanks to Laura)

PRESUMABLY A PACKET BOAT

Ketchup helped him survive weeks lost at sea. Now Heinz wants to buy him a new boat

(Thanks to The Perts)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

2:45 p.m. Smoke was seen coming out of a smokestack. 

(Thanks to Mary Smith) 

SAME

Elephants may remember the smell of a relative's dung for 12 years

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

‘OH, THAT, OFFICER? IT’S MY… LUNCH.’

Police found a duffel bag with over 20 pounds of meth wrapped in tortillas “like burritos.”

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

SWANSEA DINING REPORT

McDonald’s forced to shut down after ‘dead frog is thrown inside’

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS BLOG HAS NEW RESPECT FOR HIS MAJESTY

King Charles hates grey squirrels and once tried to turn them into clothing

(Thanks to Watson B)

BATS ARE FLYING SQUIRRELS

Bats found in high school force students to switch to remote learning

(Thanks to The Perts)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Chinese device allows users to kiss their significant others anywhere in the world

Sort of.

(Thanks to Doug Ogg, Rick Day and GJ)

IT WAS EITHER THAT OR ASK TO SEE THE MANAGER

Customer rams SUV into Popeyes over missing biscuits, nearly hitting worker, GA cops say

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

Bizarre footage shows police arresting man who hit security guard with giant blue dildo

This has been The News From Abroad.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

OOPS

Woman mistakenly eats crisp that could have won £100k

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

ANY DISTINGUISHING PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS?

Canada-wide warrant issued for man accused of breaching statutory release

This is helpful: He was described as five-foot-five, 110 pounds with brown hair and brown eyes.

(Thanks to Roberto)

SO THAT’S WHERE IT COMES FROM

Crypto mining operation found in school crawl space

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Gator ate bath plug

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and The Perts)

Maybe it wanted to drain the swamp.

WE BLAME GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE

Motionless B.C. bird suspended mid-air continues to puzzle many

(Thanks to The Perts)

MAYBE IT WAS THE FLIPFLOPS

Man dressed as 7ft penis is arrested for harassing women

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

WE'LL JUST HOLD OUR BREATH, THANKS

How A Man's Hiccups Were Cured By Digital Rectal Massage

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND

Giant New Species Of Extinct Predatory Fish Was The Length Of Five Corgis

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHRED THE BILL OF RIGHTS

A proposed bill in Florida would ban dogs from hanging their heads out of car windows

(Thanks to Sean T and GJ)

DO BEER BOTTLES COUNT?

Study shows higher sperm counts in men who lift heavy objects

(Thanks to Catherine)

THIS CHECKS OUT

Aliens could be deliberately avoiding Nasa rovers on Mars

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

AND IN MEDIEVAL SPORTS

A video has emerged of the final minutes of a 'medieval football' game played each year on Shrove Tuesday - one of England's longest traditions -  descending into a violent end outside a betting shop in Atherstone.  

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

New bench at Artis zoo made from elephant dung

(Thanks to Ralph)

(YOUR WASHINGTION JOKE HERE)

This Japanese Man Makes a Living Showing up and Doing Nothing

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

‘A TRANSFORMATIONAL MOMENT’

Starbucks adds olive oil in coffee

(Thanks to Nelson in Michigan, who says “Next: cottage cheese lattes.”)

WE NEED TO STOP DOING STUDIES

Laxative use may be linked to dementia risk, study says

(Thanks to GJ)

‘THAT’S JUST NOT THE PHONE CALL YOU EVER EXPECT YOU’RE GOING TO GET’

What Hill didn’t expect was to be asked to remove an angry weasel from the inside of a living room recliner.

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOU KNOW IT’S HEADED FOR FLORIDA

‘Runaway' black hole the size of 20 million suns found speeding through space with a trail of newborn stars behind it  

HORN-TOOTING

My new novel, Swamp Story, to be published in May, got a nice review from Publishers weekly.

PAGING THE OREGON HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT

Japanese officials investigate mysterious sphere washed up on beach

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

AND IN SPORTS

XFL Fans Pelt Field With Lemons After Massive Beer Snake is Confiscated

(Thanks to Ralph)

In Australia, the beer snakes are actual snakes.