Dave Barry's Blog

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Flamingo escapes British zoo, flies over nearby farm

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "When it’s a S L O W news day in England.")

FLORIDA SENIORS: THEY'RE NOT JUST PLAYING SHUFFLEBOARD ANY MORE

Intoxicated 81-year-old woman kicks officer ‘full force’ in groin, Florida cops say

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS

6 doctors swallowed Lego heads for science. Here's what came out

Researchers then measured the time it took for the gulped Lego heads to be passed. The time interval was given a Found and Retrieved Time (FART) score.

(Thanks to MOTW)

ATTENTION JOBSEEKERS

Planters searches for next class of Peanutters to drive the Nutmobile

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

SPEAKING OF VEHICLES THAT BELONG ON THE ROADS OF FLORIDA

…this souped-up SUV boasts bulletproof glass, blinding strobe lights, electrified doorhandles, and wing mirrors that can shoot pepper spray – handy for putting those pesky cyclists in their place.

(Thanks to Ralph)

It would have been handy here:

A Florida road-rage incident took a strange turn when a motorcyclist began punching and head-butting the other driver’s vehicle, according to the Hernando County Sheriff’s Office. The teenager then shot at the vehicle, the sheriff’s office said in a news release.

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

AND IN MOTOR SPORTS

A reverse auto rickshaw driving competition was organised in the Sangli district of Maharashtra on Tuesday.

(Thanks to Ralph)

They’d fit right in on I-95 in Miami.

THE 18-YEAR-OLD MIGHT OBJECT

Tech mogul Bryan Johnson, 45, ‘spends $2 million per year to get 18-year-old body’

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

AUSTRALIAN SEALS KNOW HOW TO PARTY

According to Australian media, the seal drew a large crowd and smashed windows at a service station.

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)

BUT WE DON'T *DRINK* BEER FOR 'PERFORMANCE, RECOVERY AND HEALTH'

But for performance, recovery and health, nonalcoholic beer is likely to be a much better choice and can even be as good as or better than regular sports drinks.

(Thanks to Catherine)

OTHER THAN THAT, THE VIEW IS LOVELY

Giant sewage pipe installed outside new build homes after buyers move in

(Thanks to John Lobert)

‘LOST ANUSES’?

Sea spiders can regrow lost anuses and sex organs

(Thanks to Ralph)

IF YOU, LIKE SO MANY PEOPLE, HAVE BEEN LYING AWAKE NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, WONDERING HOW ECHIDNAS KEEP COOL

Your nightmare is over.

(Thanks to Ralph)

BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT

Humans Can Still Grow a Full Coat of Fur, Study Says

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

IT WAS ‘HANG ON, SLOOPY’

Researchers from Montreal and India detect radio signal from galaxy 8.8 billion light years away

(Thanks to B&C)

WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHRED THE BILL OF RIGHTS

Bill banning sale of kangaroo parts introduced in Oregon

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

NEWS YOU CAN USE

Earth's inner core may have started spinning other way

(Thanks to The Perts and wiredog, who says "I'm sure we'll be fine, though.")

LOOKS... PRACTICAL!

Doja Cat Covered Herself in Red Body Paint and 30,000 Crystals for Schiaparelli’s Paris Fashion Week Show

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

US Marines Defeat DARPA Robot by Hiding Under a Cardboard Box

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SAW PMFS OPEN FOR THE DOORS

Scientists found a new emperor penguin colony by tracking poo markings from space

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

INCLUDING IN 'BEER-LIKE BEVERAGES'

A statute allowing food producers to incorporate cricket powder into flour-based products will go into effect on Tuesday in the European Union.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

PLAIN AS DAY

Tourists visiting the historic Civil War battle site in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, spotted a couple of two human-sized apparitions.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

LIKE WATERGATE, EXCEPT WITH EELS

Swedish PM in hot water over eel fishing scandal

(Thanks to Guin)

A REMINDER ABOUT POLITICS

Dear Commenters --

This is a humor blog. We don't do partisan politics here. Even if you're commenting in what you believe to be an amusing manner, if you're attacking one particular political party or viewpoint, this is the wrong site for you; please choose one of the several billion other sites where people go to argue about politics. That's not why people come here.

We don't want to have to delete comments or close posts to comments. Please don't make us.

Thanks. 

MILITARY PRIORITIES

There are many ways to measure the effectiveness of a tank. There’s its top speed, its armor, the range and power of its main gun. And then there’s how well a tank can balance a glass of beer.

(Thanks to John Gregg)

LOOKS LEGIT

We’re a time travelling couple from 2027 – we even have ‘video proof’ that we are all alone in just four years

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Note from Dave: I closed the comments on this post and deleted some because somebody decided to make it political. Life is too short, people.

AND IN CANADIAN SPORTS

Could you ride a motorcycle 2,000 km in 24 hours? Winnipeg woman's Iron Butt wins award

(Thanks to The Perts)

SEAGULLS ARE BASICALLY FEATHERED SQUIRRELS

'I was mugged in broad daylight at Tesco by a seagull'

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Octopus tentacle ear plugs coming to Japanese capsule toy machines

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

ASTEROID MEASUREMENT-UNIT UPDATE

Now: Pugs.

(Thanks to Barry Nester, who says "22 penguins = 100 pugs")

MIAMI WILDLIFE UPDATE

We think the bird is a heron. The other wildlife unit is either an iguana or a squirrel wearing an iguana costume.

 

 

Update from Suzie Q Wacvet:

YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYONE

Pet fish commits credit card fraud on owner using a Nintendo Switch

(Thanks to Ralph)

EVIDENTLY FLORIDIANS ARE VISITING TEXAS

Somehow, a van landed atop two vehicles in a mall parking lot in El Paso, Texas.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AND IN SPORTS

The Nottinghamshire Football Association are investigating a claim that a Sunday League player inserted a ‘finger or multiple fingers’ into the anus of an opponent during a match.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

3:42 p.m. While putting a new sight on his gun, a man accidentally shot off his finger. His wife refused to drive him to the hospital, as she had the flu and was staying in bed.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

TODAY IN GOBSMACKERY

Teacher gobsmacked after parent gives identical twins near-identical names

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

'THE MYSTERY IS TEARING THE COMMUNITY APART'

For the past year, Waiheke Island residents have been finding single sausages, wrapped in bread, left in their letterboxes.

(Thanks to Andrew Simmons and Ralph)

'ANGEL LUST'

Mortician says he has seen dead men with erections multiple times

(Thanks to Rick Day and Matt Filar) 

911, WHAT IS YOUR EMERGENCY?

NYPD officers caught having sex in car after residents hear screams

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

THESE KIDS TODAY

Girl requests police test DNA on Christmas cookie for evidence of Santa Claus

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

EGGS WOULD BE BETTER

A DOLLAR General shopper has claimed that the self-checkout kiosk began dispensing cherry tomatoes instead of her change.

(Thanks to Ralph)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

Driver arrested for OWI after trying to help friend getting arrested for OWI

(Thanks to Dave Vander Ark)

WHAT?

Seriously: What?

(Thanks to Bill Ostroot)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Only 55 percent of men and women can confidently state where their rectum is located

(Thanks to pharmaross)

TODAY IN GOBSMACKERY

Man left gobsmacked after neighbour builds wall one metre from his window while he's on holiday

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Woman gobsmacked when asked to split £720 dinner bill after hardly eating anything

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

WE CAN'T DECIDE IF THIS IS GOOD NEWS OR BAD NEWS

Supercomputer Says 27% of Life on Earth Will Be Dead by the End of This Century

(Thanks to Rod Nunley and Suzie Q Wacvet)

CLASSY!

Artist Creates Chandelier Earrings That Actually Light Up

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND IN... WELL, WE HOPE IT'S SPORTS

Johnson Comes Up Big, Dick Shrivels Late

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CSI: YOUNGSTOWN

Break-in at daycare possibly connected to recent toilet paper thefts

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "At least police have something to go on.")

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

11:43 a.m.  A woman requested help retrieving a blood-covered boom box from her car.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AUSTRALIAAAAAA

Australia's 'Toadzilla': Record-breaking cane toad found in Queensland

(Thanks to Ralph, pharmaross, Jim Kenaston, Steve, wiredog and Alkali Bill)