Dave Barry's Blog

FLORIDAAAAAAAA

Florida Authorities Arrest ‘The Pooping Perpetrator’ for Burglary After Suspect Jumped Naked into River and was Rescued by Police

(Thanks to William Falzone)

PARTY!

Cook County woman charged with stealing $1.5M in chicken wings from school district

(Thanks to Rod Nunley and Michael Parry)

THE TOILET-SNAKE EPIDEMIC

It has not abated.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

THE WORD IS ‘HERO’

Hughesville Woman Accidentally Shoots Herself After Attempting to Shoot a Squirrel in Her Chicken Coop

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

COMING SOON TO A WINDSHIELD NEAR YOU

Scientists Launch Project to 'De-Extinct' the Dodo, Reintroduce to Natural Habitat

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner, Al Barkafski and The Perts)

AND IN OUTDOOR SPORTS

Bowhunter Takes State’s No. 2 Buck, While Going No. 2

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

TODAY IN GOBSMACKERY

People were equal parts gobsmacked and impressed after the foodie shared her 'genius' serving idea for beans on toast

Drivers left gobsmacked after learning petrol nozzle hack is a 'waste' of time and money

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "I think the British are just easily gobsmacked.")

THE DOWNSIDE: YOUR NIGHT ENDS AT 7PM

Waking up at 5 a.m. every day could improve your life—here’s how to make it work for you

(Thanks to Rick Day)

WHAT MAKES IT VALUABLE IS THAT IT'S VAN DYCK'S POOP

Poop-covered van Dyck painting found in NY shed sells for $3M

(Thanks to Rick Day)

THEY DEFINITELY ARE IN MIAMI

Why More Physicists Are Starting to Think Space and Time Are ‘Illusions’

(Thanks to Robert Moats, who asks "Can I get my permanent school record expunged of all those F's I got in my physics classes?")

NOBODY GIVES A F---

Judge rules the F-word has officially lost its shock value in the workplace

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

YOU ARE NOW FREE TO KILL YOURSELF

New Zealand-bound plane flies 13 hours only to land where it took off

(Thanks to John Lobert)

'A BUSTLING AND THRIVING ALIEN COLONY'

How gut bacteria are controlling your brain

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

WE HAVE CHIMPANZEE TEENS IN OUR HOME?

Chimpanzee teens may not be so different from the ones living in our homes, a new study says.

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan)

HE HAS WRITTEN TEN BOOKS, SO THIS MUST BE TRUE

A leading UFO expert has warned that aliens “don't come in peace” after spending 45 years investigating potential extraterrestrial sightings.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

IN THAT CASE, SIR...

Groper arrested in Japan insists he did not grab both breasts, but just one

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THE PROOF WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR

Maryland witness afraid after watching large object in night sky 'cloaking' itself

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Anti-insect laser gun turrets designed by Osaka University; expected to work on roaches too

(Thanks to Alberto)

CANADA ON RED ALERT

Duncan, B.C., could soon lose record for world's largest hockey stick to U.S. town

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE GOOD NEWS: IT WASN'T A SNAKE

An Australian mum made a shocking discovery in her coffee machine

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

CLOSURE

So it makes a certain kind of sense that Ongakuji, a temple whose name translates as “Music Temple,” offers funeral services for broken record player needles.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE'LL REMAIN OUTSIDE, THANKS

Inside a small town's bizarre tradition of racing 'toilets with loo rolls' on skis

(Thanks to Ralph)

'HAS ANYBODY SEEN FAHIM?'

Boy plays hide-and-seek, ends up in a foreign country

(Thanks to Jim Perth)

AUSTRALIAAAAAA

Watch the chilling moment snake expertly jumps from a roof before slithering away unfazed - as catchers issue urgent warning about reptile explosion

(Thanks to James Flynn)

FASHION UPDATE

Not weird at all!

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

AND IN GUY SPORTS

Peanut Butter Toast Pong

(Thanks to Marta)

AND IN ITALIAN SPORTS

Cheeky female football fan interrupts Italian TV live coverage to flash the underside of her BREAST, revealing a tattoo of her beloved club Hearts

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

THE TRICKY PART IS HITTING THE RIGHT BUTTON WITH THE HARPOON

Japan launches whale meat vending machines to promote sales

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan, who says "I'll have the Doritos, thanks.")

SHE 'PUT THE FUN IN FUNERAL'

Deceased woman hires flash mob for funeral: ‘Another One Bites the Dust’

(Thanks to Chuck, Alan Dean and Janice Gelb)

AS IS HIS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

Florida man threatened employees with gun when chicken wings order was late, police say

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

WHY THE MOOSE'S HANDS WERE BARE WE'LL NEVER KNOW

Canadian couple rescues moose with bare hands

(Thanks to B&C)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

A fart noise blasted through a serious conversation on “The View” Wednesday ― and nobody copped to it.

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

AND THEN IT CAN'T PERFORM

This shark postpones having sex until it is over 100 years old

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

REAL DEMONS WOULD HAVE USED 'COPACABANA'

Priest claims demons tortured him with Rihanna song

(Thanks to Ralph)

THANK GOD FOR EXPERTS

Is wearing underwear healthier than going commando? Here’s what experts say.

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

WE SAW WKFGE OPEN FOR THE WHO

Wildcat known for grumpy expression detected for the first time on Mount Everest

(Thanks to The Perts)

ADVISORY TO MEN:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

SOMEBODY ALERT THE OREGON HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT STAT

Man finds massive American eel washed ashore on Texas beach

(Thanks to The Perts)

BOLO

Radioactive Capsule Goes Missing After Falling Off a Truck

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)

IT WAS THE ONLY WAY

A Colorado man 'intentionally' rammed his pickup truck through the front doors of a police station after he claimed people were 'following him,' causing up to $1million of damage, police said.

(Thanks to Geoff Scott)

HAPPY TO HELP, OFFICER DUDES

Volunteers Get High to Demonstrate Marijuana Impairment for Police

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

AS DEMONSTRATED DAILY ON THE ROADS OF MIAMI

Even brief exposure to traffic pollution impairs brain function, new study finds

(Thanks to EricY)

IRREFUTABLE

'Bigfoot sighting on Google Earth' as enormous 7.5ft ape-like beast seen in wild

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

FRANCE ON HIGHEST ALERT

Assaulted by the AP Stylebook.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko and Roberto)

Update: The original tweet was deleted. Here's a NY Post story about what happened.

PICKUP ON AISLE 7

Single women are shopping for ‘husband material’ at Home Depot

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

SO FORGET ABOUT THAT DIET

A Catastrophic Mutating Event Will Strike the World in 2 Years, Report Says

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

WE’VE SEEN THIS MOVIE, AND IT DOESN’T END WELL

Scientists invented a melting liquid robot that can escape from a cage

(Thanks to The Perts and GJ)

ADVISORY: WE HAVE A NEW MEASUREMENT UNIT

An asteroid the size of a delivery truck

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

WITHOUT THE TECHNOLOGICAL MIRACLE THAT IS THE INTERNET, WE MIGHT NEVER HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THIS

Woman urges people to rub their earlobes after discovering hers smells

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER…

...for Stowaway Gecko.

(Thanks to John Lobert)