Dave Barry's Blog

IGUANAS ARE BASICALLY SCALY SQUIRRELS

Iguana causes power outage in Florida town for third time this year

(Thanks to Ralph)

The worst part is, every time it's the same damn iguana.

JUST WHEN WE THOUGHT THE GOBSMACKERY BAR COULD NOT GET ANY LOWER

'Ghost train' spotted chugging along abandoned railway line leaving locals gobsmacked

Shocking "twist" explanation that is like something out of an M. Night Shyamalan movie: ...the track is occasionally used by freight trains when they need to reverse, which probably explains the 'ghostly' sighting, which happened in June last year. 

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR CANADIAN MOTION PICTURE

Four cows have been captured in a small Quebec town after months on the loose

(Thanks to EricY)

CELEBRITY NEWS

Skateboarding Fleetwood Mac TikTok Star Arrested for Marijuana Possession

(Thanks to Noah Spicker)

LET'S ALSO ELIMINATE STOP SIGNS, BECAUSE TOO MANY PEOPLE BLOW PAST THEM

Kansas universities may scrap algebra requirement because too many students fail it

(Thanks to Noah Spicker)

WE HOPE YOU CELEBRATED APPROPRIATELY, ALTHOUGH IF YOU DID, YOU MIGHT BE DEAD NOW

Yesterday was Keith Richards' 238th birthday.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'CRABIFICATION'

The Extraordinary Reason Why Animals Keep Turning Into Crustaceans

(Thanks to Steve)

TRADITION!

Hanukkah menorah in Tel Aviv breaks world record for largest menorah built of Legos

(Thanks to John Lobert and Asher Scheiner)

And happy Hanukkah to everyone, regardless of how you spell it.

DOO-DAH, DOO-DAH

Epic Bigfoot nipple slide

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE'RE ALL FEELING IT, DUDE

Anxiety added as condition for medical weed in New Mexico

(Thanks to GJ, who says "It makes me anxious to run out of weed.")

IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THERE, YOU'LL MAKE IT ANYWHERE IN THE GALAXY

The National UFO Reporting Center reports that purported alien-ship sightings in the Big Apple ticked up 4% this year — and for the first time New Yorkers submitted pics to the center to try to back up their cosmic claims.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

'ROUND THESE PARTS WE SHOOT GOAT-RUSTLERS

A southern California man was shot by a homeowner earlier this month after trying to steal a goat and a dune buggy from the residence.

He was literally rustling: The 79-year-old homeowner and his 60-year-old wife heard Belinsky rustling outside with the goats

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

YUM!

These 'Hyper Nasty' Clams Live in Chimneys Made of Their Own Poop

(Thanks to Ralph)

URGENT BREAKING FASHION UPDATE

Kendall Jenner's £6,300 jacket mocked for looking like testicles

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

FLATHEAD COUNTY ALERT LEVEL RISES STILL HIGHER

8:16 p.m. A man was trying to talk to his parents about the Illuminati.

(Thanks to Roberto)

THE RECIPE CALLS FOR ONLY 20,000 POUNDS

Some 40,000 pounds of meatballs rolled onto I-95 in Virginia when two tractor trailers crashed early Friday morning, officials said.

(Thanks to Michael Parry, who says "We're gonna need more pasta.")

IT'S A GOOD SOURCE OF IRON, DUDE

NSW Costco spinach recalled after hallucinations reported

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

RED ALERT IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

8:18 a.m. A woman was walking around with a peanut.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THEY ARE OUT TO DESTROY OUR MOST CHERISHED INSTITUTIONS

Waxhaw family has ‘Christmas Vacation’ moment when squirrel gets in tree

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

CANADA PLUNGES EVEN DEEPER INTO ANARCHY

City of Toronto's snow removal flyer elicits juvenile reaction from Twitter

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

Bugles have disappeared from Canadian stores

(Thanks to EricY)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Three camels cause traffic chaos in Brisbane after escaping nativity scene

(Thanks to Jim Perth and Janice Gelb)

NOT A WEIRD TRADITION AT ALL!

Inmates at a prison north of Barcelona have produced thousands of clay figurines of world leaders and celebrities with their pants down and defecating, in keeping with a tradition from the northeastern Catalonia region of Spain

(Thanks to Doug Ogg and pharmaross)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

...for Spherical Poodle.

(Thanks to Paul Prichard)

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT

Snake Found Hiding Under Christmas Tree Among Presents

Guess the continent.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CLASSY!

Man throws epic KFC party for girlfriend - with gravy fountain and a chicken bouquet

(Thanks to John Lobert)

OOPS

Firm left with 18,000 England 'World Cup winners' T-shirts after gamble backfires

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HOCKEY WITHOUT THE BORING PARTS

Professional Ice Fighting Coming To Wyoming

(Thanks to Ralph)

ZONING VIOLATION

Crack dealer arrested on Weed Street

(Thanks to Doug Ogg and pharmaross)

'I THOUGHT IT WAS MY BOSS FOR A SECOND'

Villagers throw eggs at penis-headed statue of Putin erected in Bell End

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHEN YOU'RE TALKING HARD-HITTING JOURNALISM, YOU'RE TALKING THE MIRROR

Samantha Milns, 52, from, Tunbridge Wells, Kent, is a pet psychic and she's shared some shocking revelations about what we've all got in store next year and it doesn't sound good

Time traveller insists the apocalypse is real - and he has the evidence to prove it

(Thanks to John Lobert)

AND IN COLD-WEATHER SPORTS

Lake Trout Fishing Gone Wrong

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

AND IN SPORTS

Fighting is 'better than intercourse,' 25-year-old boxer Teofimo Lopez says

(Thanks to pharmaross)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Omaha woman tried to rob bank from the drive-thru lane, police say

(Thanks to Mark Sughroue)

AS IF WE NEEDED ANY MORE TACK-SHARP, CRYSTAL-CLEAR, IRREFUTABLE VIDEO PROOF THAT IS NOT BLURRY AT ALL

Charlie Chaplin movie from 1928 'proves time travel is real' as woman has 'mobile phone'

(Thanks to John Lobert)

Solid Point From Mr. Bill In The Comments: "They must have had cell towers in the 20s then. I wonder why they built the cell towers before the phones were invented?"

ART UPDATE

Police broke into an art gallery to help an unconscious person inside, only to discover it was an art installation.

The lifelike sculpture is a depiction of gallery owner Steve Lazarides' sister, Kristina, with her head in a bowl of soup.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

'Electrified roadways': Coils hidden in streets could charge your electric vehicle while you drive

(Thanks to Geoff Scott, who says "Loads of fun on rainy days.") (To which we add: Doo-dah, doo-dah.)

(YOUR FLACCID ECONOMY JOKE HERE)

The Cost of Living Crisis Is Ruining Sex

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS THIS BLOG DID NOT FINISH READING BECAUSE WE WERE GETTING A HEADACHE

Dear My Friend,
The Best Performance On 3.7V20Ah Li Polymer Pouch Battery Cell (NMC), Discharge On 8C Continuous To 15C Burst, Fastly Charge 5C Constant, The Cycle Life Is Even 1500 Times, Is Satisfied In Special EV Or 

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

12:12 p.m. A crowd had gathered behind Baskin Robbins because a bear was sitting in a tree.  

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THEY’RE NOT FOOLING US WITH THESE OBVIOUS PLOYS

Woman's cookie-leaving secret admirer is caught on tape

(Thanks to many people, including nursecindy, who asks “Does this video soften your feelings for squirrels just a little bit?”)

(NO)

IF THIS ISN’T THE THE TRUE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS, WE DON’T KNOW WHAT IS

Yorkshire pudding addict vows to eat 600 of them in two days over Christmas

(Thanks to John Lobert)

We’d be more impressed if he did this with fruitcakes.

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR, ESPECIALLY IN FLORIDA

Florida man accused of hitting wife with Christmas tree after asked to help with making dinner

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE ALREADY-LOW BAR FOR GOBSMACKERY GETS STILL LOWER

Domino's customer left gobsmacked after receiving dirty pizza cutter with food

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA

“Finally the Flint police and the airport authority came over and said we were removed because I said the word ‘penis’ on board an airplane,” he said.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING

Snakes have a clitoris

(Thanks to pharmaross, wiredog, Jim Kenaston and Holland Daze)

WE SAW CELEBRITY EMUS OPEN FOR THE BYRDS

A pair of celebrity emus that vanished after being banned from an outback pub for bad behaviour have been rediscovered — and they have multiplied.

(Thanks to Jim Perth)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS TO THE BLOG THAT WE DID NOT FINISH READING

Hi [NAME],

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Do you really need deodorant? Experts weigh in

(Thanks to GJ and B&C, who ask "Do we really need experts for this?")

FLORIDA DINING REPORT

A man accused of pointing a loaded gun at several patrons, threatening to kill them after they were offered free pizza at a Cuban restaurant faces multiple charges.

Well that explains it: Andrade-Banegas became upset because those accepting the pizza from the restaurant had already eaten their food, the report says.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS, BUT IT SOUNDS BAD

True giant wombat gives Diprotodon podium a wobble

(Thanks to The Perts)