Dave Barry's Blog

THAR SHE BLOWS!

Chunks of Sperm Whale Wash Up on NYC Streets After Storm Surge

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston and Al Barkafski)

THE EPIDEMIC OF DEADLY CHRISTMAS-TREE SNAKES:

It has reached South Africa.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SO THE WOLVES WERE ALSO ON BIKES?

10:59 p.m. A man reported he was seeing a “whole pack of wolves” while out on a bike ride, wasn’t sure if they were wild or not, and didn’t think he could out-bike them.

Guess the county.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FINALLY, A CAUSE WORTH BELIEVING IN

Couple hate Last Christmas by Wham! so much they've raised £50,000 online to buy the song rights so they never have to hear it again (now they only have £19,950,000 to go)

(Thanks to Roberto)

GO FIGURE

Man 'turned away from nightclub' after spending thousands on face tattoos

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "They might as well tear up the Australian Bill of Rights, if there is one [and isn’t poisonous].")

THEY'RE A GATEWAY FOOD TO PIZZA

Former prison guard charged with illegal possession of hamburgers

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

GOBSMACKING EPIDEMIC UPDATE

Now: Monopoly

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

THE TRICKY PART WAS THAT THEY BOTH HAVE VALID FLORIDA LICENSES

Video shows Florida deputy trying to separate dueling hawk and snake

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SURE IT CAN!

Chinese Startup’s $140,000 Car Can Fly Over Traffic Jams

(For 90 seconds.)

(Thanks to coscolo)

SANTA CLAUS UPDATE

Santa -- wearing snazzy tropical attire -- is currently at the Brickell City Centre in downtown Miami, and evidently everybody has been naughty, because there's no line to see him.

THE EPIDEMIC OF GOBSMACKERY

It has reached Wales.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THAT'S ONE WORD FOR IT

The Satisfaction of Mathematically Efficient Christmas Cookies

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

CSI: KENTUCKY

After receiving the call, a dispatcher described the scene to responding officers as “a male standing outside. He is naked. He has a robe covering part of his body. He is exposing himself, and he has a hose between his legs.”

(Thanks to pharmaross, Allen at Division and nursecindy)

AND IN AMERICAN SPORTS

Gisele Bündchen's witch powers, the reason for Tom Brady's terrible year?

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

Apparently she also has it in for the Jets.

AND IN CRICKET

Salman Butt comes hard on Pant and wants him to focus on fitness

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

3:52 p.m. Some strange men entered a laundromat and began to play Disney movies.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FOLLOWED BY HANGING

FCC proposes record $300M fine for ‘auto warranty’ robocalls

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IF THIS KEEPS UP, WE MAY HAVE TO EVACUATE CANADA

Man arrested after attempting to fight tree

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

CANADA: A NATION GRIPPED BY TERROR

“Many people may consider the game of nicky nine doors a harmless prank, and we are sure there are adults in the community who remember playing the game in good fun as youth,” explained RCMP Campbell River Constable Maury Tyre.

"Nicky nine doors?"

(Thanks to Ralph)

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS

Planet’s panties of the future may be compostable too

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HANG A SHINING STAR UPON THE HIGHEST BOWWWWWWWWW

Family cat drops snake under Christmas tree in regional Queensland

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WELL DUH

Faced With Ultimatum in Court, Man Chooses Beer Over Marriage

(pharmaross)

THE NEWS FROM ASIA

Fukuoka favored by women to settle, while men move for work

(Thanks to pharmaross)

YOU DO YOU, RESEARCHER

Researcher: The way to make plant-based foods taste like Christmas

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston, who says "The photo suggests to me that further research may be necessary.")

SURE, DUDE

'Glitch' blamed for 'smoke weed every day' message on LED road sign

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w and pharmaross)

BECAUSE IT'S FLORIDA

Why did costumed trio ask Fort Lauderdale commissioners for tax-funded sex ‘dungeon’?

(Thanks to Lynn Tolleson and pharmaross)

IF THIS DOESN'T GOBSMACK YOU, YOU CANNOT BE GOBSMACKED

Elvis is in Home Alone.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT

Ho-ho-hold it right there - you're on the naughty list! Cops disguised as father Christmas and Santa's little helpers arrest drug gang in Peru - with heroic elf seen cuffing a cocaine crook

(Thanks to Roberto)

O TANNENBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Family is horrified to discover Christmas tree is bursting with baby praying mantises

(Thanks to EricY)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS TO THE BLOG THAT WE DID NOT FINISH READING

Hello sir/mam,

I've visited your site & like it.

BECAUSE HE'S AUSTRALIAN

Australian Man Explains Why He Let A Spider The Size Of His Face Live In His House For A Year

(Thanks to Ralph)

ANOTHER FUN ROYAL TRADITION (WE ARE USING 'FUN' IN THE SENSE OF 'INSANE')

Why Royal Family members get weighed when they arrive for Christmas

(Thanks to The Perts)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Woman caught on video throwing monitor at ticket counter employee at MIA

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IS EVERYTHING NOT OK?

Here you go.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

THE FLORIDA FORECAST

Florida iguanas likely to fall from trees as Arctic chill sweeps Christmas weekend

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "Fire up the grill!")

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

8:56 a.m. A man was “doing the tweaker dance” while unpacking his suitcase.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AND IN THE SPORTS NAME HALL OF FAME

Rowdy Beers

(Thanks to MOTW)

HOLIDAY HEALTH ADVISORY

You don't want to know.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Man with WWI explosive lodged in his rectum sparks bomb scare, hospital evacuation

(Thanks to many people)

REALLY? THAT LONG?

Americans can tolerate less than 4 hours with family on holidays, survey finds

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WE PREFER NOT TO KNOW

What Horses' Anuses And Ginger Have To Do With The Origins Of "Cocktails"

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ADVISORY

Not being horny enough can lead to an early death: study

(Thanks to Michael Parry and pharmaross)

SOUNDS MANLY!

Male wasps fend off attackers with penis ‘stingers’

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE HAVE NOTHING TO ADD

Dave,

I’ve been seeing a trend in “fancy” athletic socks that now purport to be tailored to specific feet, the right and left socks being labeled as such (photo illustrating this is attached).  I happen to love my athletic socks, but there are times when having to find the tiny “L” or “R” sock to place it on my corresponding left or right foot seems a bit, pressing.  And, truth be told, having gotten dressed in the dark several times so as not to disturb others, I’ve worn the “L” sock on the right foot and (inevitably) the “R” sock on my left foot for the better part of the day with unknown long-term side effects, but with deep embarrassment (what if I had been hit by a truck and they saw my mis-donned socks?).

I know you're not really an investigative journalist, but this sort of investigation has “DAVE BARRY” writ large and all over it.  Is it really a totally different manufacturing process or is it merely an embroidered “L” on one and an “R” on the other one?  You may have more insightful questions, or not, but it would be thrilling to read a funny expose on the theme of non-interchangeable socks by a respected journalist and humorist.

Michael Moyer

WE ASSUME THEY'RE DOING IT FOR TIKTOK

Some American black bears are turning red, researchers now say they know why

(Thanks to Rodney Bertelsen)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS TO THE BLOG THAT WE DID NOT FINISH READING

Hi Dave,

I have not heard back from you yet,

THE BAR HAS REACHED A NEW LOW

Woman gobsmacked after leaving laundry out to dry in freezing temperatures

(Thanks to John Lobert, Ralph and pharmaross)

NOT JUST A GHOST. A *DEMON* GHOST.

A dog walker claims she's captured footage of a 'demon ghost' crawling across the path in an infamous haunted National Trust country park - so shocking that it's turned her sceptical husband into a 'believer'.

No word on whether the husband is gobsmacked.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

ATTENTION, FANS OF MR. GENE WEINGARTEN:

Gene is on Substack! And he's reviving the legendary Style Invitational. You can read all about it here.

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

The $11,500 toilet with Alexa inside can now be put inside your home

In a word, no: Have you ever sat on the toilet, pondering your day, using your phone even though that’s kind of gross to do on the john, avoiding everyone in the house, and thought, “I wish Alexa was in here with me?”

(Thanks to pharmaross)