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November 23, 2022

THE MEALS HAD PULSES?

Neanderthals cooked meals with pulses 70,000 years ago

(Thanks to EricY) 

LOCK UP THE CHEESE, DUDE

Indian police say rats ate 600kg of cannabis from station storeroom

(Thanks to Ralph)

HALLELUJAH

Louisiana priest admits to making threesome sex tape on church altar

(Thanks to pharmaross and Jeff Meyerson, who says "Can I get an 'Amen?'")

IN THAT CASE, SIR...

Gainesville man arrested for stealing from a Walmart he claims he owns

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE CARP ARE ALSO NAKED

Models strip naked and pose with giant fish for 2023 'erotic carp calendar'

Advisory: Naked carp

(Thanks to Ralph)

'NEW?' THIS BLOG DID THIS IN COLLEGE *DECADES* AGO

Crawling On Ground: The New Trend Among Chinese College Students

(Thanks to Ralph)

MAYBE IT DIDN'T *WANT* TO BE 'RESCUED'

Venomous snake rescued from beer in Australia

(Thanks to Bob Brogan, pharmaross and Robert Moats)

IT WAS ETC. AFTER PRODUCING ETC.

Cat found in luggage at New York airport didn’t belong to the traveler, TSA says

(Thanks to Barry Nester, Robert Moats, EricY, pharmaross and Al Barkafski)

THE GOOD NEWS IS, THIS MAKES IT HARDER FOR THE SNAKES TO FIND YOU

Video shows a monstrous mosquito swarm in Australia that's so thick farmers could barely see across their porch

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

WHO SAYS THERE ARE NO VIRTUOSOS LEFT?

Not this blog.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

UPDATE

Mystery of sheep walking in circle for 12 days may be solved

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says “Baaad habits are hard to break. Or maybe someone pulled the wool over their eyes and they can see straight. Mutton makes any sense here.”)

ASSUMING THEY’LL TAKE IT

Budweiser will ship the unsold Buds to the country that wins the tournament

(Thanks to Steve K, The Perts and Not My Usual Alias, who says “the second-place team will get all the remaining Bud Zero.”)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Panasonic to Sell a Subscription-Based, Farting Companion Robot

(Thanks to wiredog and pharmaross)

UNLESS OF COURSE IT’S VERY SICK

Here is some good advice for you: there is no need, ever, to bring a snake to the emergency room. 

(Thanks to MOTW)

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

A mum sparked an online debate about how many fish fingers made a portion for an adult and the nation couldn't agree - but Birds Eye have set the record straight

This has been The News From Abroad.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

November 22, 2022

CENTRAL PARK HAS BATS?

Frigid temperatures have bats falling to the ground in Manhattan’s Central Park, officials said.

(Thanks to Static Joeage, who says "Not the good kind of bat droppings.")

(There's a good kind of bat droppings?)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME SOMEBODY DID SOMETHING

Lawsuit Claims Mac & Cheese May Take Seconds Longer to Make Than Promised

(Thanks to Seymour Singer)

CTRL-ALT-DELETE

How to Test If We're Living in a Computer Simulation

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

AND IN SPORTS

Tian Rui of Qingdao, Shangdong Province, took on the record for tallest house of cards built in 12 hours and completed his 50-level structure in only 5 hours and 4 minutes.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE ON YOUR LIST

Budget casket maker offers Black Friday deal

(Thanks to EricY)

‘HONEY, I THINK I HEAR SOMETHING DOWNSTAIRS’

Soldotna firefighters rescue moose from basement

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FLATHEAD COUNTY: WHERE CRIME NEVER TAKES A DAY OFF

6:09 p.m. Someone was concerned about a local resident’s Facebook postings about her ill chinchilla.  

(Thanks to pharmaross)

COMING SOON TO THE HIGHWAYS OF FLORIDA

Volkswagen creates motorized office chair with speakers, cameras and party lights

(Thanks to MOTW)

HARD PASS

Spam Figgy Pudding

(Thanks to Sean T and GJ, who says “Just a beer for me, please.”)

November 21, 2022

THIS TIME'S THE CHARM

Indonesian Playboy King Ready For 88th Marriage

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHAT RESEARCHERS WERE DOING IN THE BELLY OF A WHALE WE'LL NEVER KNOW

‘Upsetting’ discovery made in belly of whale on Nova Scotia beach, researchers say

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

'THEY?'

Expert claims Bigfoot is rarely sighted as they are 'scared' of people

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "I knew there was a logical explanation.")

SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR THE OREGON STATE HIGHWAY DIVISION

Unknown 'pig-like' sea creature's body washes up on beach leaving locals perplexed

(Thanks to John Lobert)

Perplexed is not as bad as gobsmacked, so there's that.

AND IN SPORTS

Rhino Interrupts A Football Game

(Thanks to Ralph)

SINKHOLES ARE CAUSED BY SQUIRRELS

West Virginia Sinkhole Is About to Swallow an Entire Police Station

(Thanks to John Lobert)

TIME TO RAM LEGISLATION THROUGH

Malaysia elects first ever hung parliament

(Thanks to Alan West)

THE ONLY RATIONAL RESPONSE

Man allegedly pulls gun on Wendy's employee after not getting sauce with his meal

(Thanks to pharmaross)

November 20, 2022

HOW THE GOALKEEPER OBTAINED THE FAN’S URINE WE’LL NEVER KNOW

Goalkeeper Sent Off After Squirting Fan With Their Own Urine

(Thanks to pharmaross)

OBJECTION

A JUDGE stopped a court hearing when “noisy” porn was heard playing through a solicitor’s computer.

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE

GIRL GETS HER LITTLE SISTER’S PANTS STUCK IN HER BRACES

(Thanks to John Lobert)

‘THIS IS A VERY UNUSUAL WAY TO COMMIT AN ARMED ROBBERY IN OUR CITY’

Man uses Uber to rob bank, has driver wait to take him home

We assume he gave the driver five stars.

(Thanks to Alan Dean)

AND IN SPORTS

Minutes before kickoff, two UMass players were kneeling in the corner of the end zone when the A&M cannons fired off a couple of warning shots right into their faces.

Classy!

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

TOTALLY PROPORTIONAL

Drunk man threatens to ‘blow up’ Nashville hotel over potato chips

(Thanks to Bill Carver)

GUESS THE CONTINENT

Horrifying twist after woman discovers deadly snake inside her car

Who Ya Gonna Call: Ms Bridge called Snake Catchers Adelaide

(Thanks to pharmaross)

November 19, 2022

URGENT CELEBRITY BULLETIN

Apparently Kendall Jenner Got Pee All Over Her Feet at the 2022 Met Gala

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AND IN FLORIDA SPORTS

Orlando Waffle House Night Shift Is Undefeated, Florida Woman Gets Upside Down Thrown Out Of The Restaurant

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Mystery of exploding toilet at south Austin dental office

(Thanks to John W and pharmaross)

OTHER THAN THAT IT WAS A LOVELY AFFAIR

Eight relatives jailed after wedding turned into ‘bloodbath’ involving 50 guests

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ADJUST YOUR PLANS ACCORDINGLY

The leap second’s time is up: world votes to stop pausing clocks

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

‘TRY THE BANANAS!’

Chimpanzees share experiences with each other, a trait once thought to be only human

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

Just read it.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

November 18, 2022

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

Soccer fans will still be able to purchase Bud Zero, an alcohol-free lager that Anheuser-Busch says tastes similar to its best-selling alcoholic beverage.

(Thanks to Steve K)

THE *WHAT* JOURNAL?

It seems penises are getting bigger in paintings, and this change is accelerating. That is the conclusion of a team of urologists reported recently in the BJU International journal, in their article “Depictions of penises in historical paintings reflect changing perceptions of the ideal penis size.”

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "Inflation is affecting everything!")

LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE

...is an expression unfamiliar to rhinos.

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

ANYONE WOULD BE PROUD

Brigantine's fecal donor spreads message of 'perfect poop' through billboard

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

 
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