Dave Barry's Blog

THIS IS WHAT WE IN PROFESSIONAL JOURNALISM REFER TO AS 'AN UNIMPEACHABLE SOURCE'

An anonymous man who allegedly worked for the CIA claims he saw both living aliens and retrieved parts and remains of alien ships

(Thanks to John Lobert)

MIAMI DOLPHINS FANS:

In case you missed it, here's the interview this blog did with the great Larry Csonka at the Miami book Fair.

AS ATTRACTIVE AS IT SOUNDS

Realistic Eyeball Toenail Art

(Thanks to John Lobert)

AUSTRALIA: EVEN THE COCKATOOS ARE DEADLY

‘A bit horrifying’: the Melbourne cockatoo dropping pot plants from four storeys up

We don't think these are the kind of pot plants we were thinking of when we first read the headline.

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

OTHER THAN THAT, DUDE, IS WAS A GREAT AFFAIR

‘Poisonous’ level of marijuana in caterer’s food derails wedding, Florida lawsuit says

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

This story reminds us of a key plot element in this book.

BUT PRESUMABLY NOT THE OZZY OSBOURNE METHOD

Bats use the same techniques as death metal singers to vocalize, study finds

(Thanks to Steve K, GJ, pharmaross and Ralph) 

CELEBRITY GLAMOR UPDATE

Drake gifts DJ Khaled $20K toilets for birthday: ‘This is not no regular bowl’

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

AND IN QATAR SPORTS

Camels battle it out in Qatar beauty contest

(Thanks to Barry Nester, who says “Wait till you see them in bathing suits!”)

FOR SOME OF US THAT WOULD BE A VERY LONG WALK

Can your dog legally poop in someone’s yard in Iowa?

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THE UPSIDE

Climate change is altering squirrels' SPERM

(Thanks to DaninDallas and Emily, Leslie and w)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Alpaca Poo Could Be The Key To Staying Warm This Winter

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WAIT... IS THAT WRONG?

Ohio lawyer is accused of tossing poop-filled Pringles can into parking lot of victims advocacy center

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THE HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

It's here! We're sorry.

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS THIS BLOG DID NOT FINISH READING

Hi friend ,

We are selling screws and showers ,

TIME FOR A TELEVISED CONGRESSIONAL INVESTIGATION

An audio clip from the hit children's film Toy Story 3 has left internet users up in arms after a TikTok user claimed that they could hear the movie's Ken doll using a very rude expletive - while others insisted they hear nothing but an innocent exclamation.

(Thanks to Roberto)

SHOW AND TELL

An Arizona middle school teacher has resigned from the district and was banned from OnlyFans after she filmed pornographic material in her classroom.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

GUESS THE STATE

Man Busted For Striking Girlfriend With Sex Toy During Motel Argument

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

AND IN SPORTS

Skunk spotted in the stands during Browns-Buccaneers game

(Thanks to Gregory Snow and Ralph)

Spanish athlete slaps watermelons to break Guinness World Record

“Athlete.”

(Thanks to EricY)

LOOKING FOR A GIFT FOR THAT HARD-TO-PLEASE HERPETOLOGIST?

Your search is over.

(Thanks to Ralph)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS THIS BLOG DID NOT FINISH READING

I'm sorry to hurry you up. I've been waiting for your reply during 8 days.

DO *NOT* PASS GO

Man arrested after family Monopoly game turns violent, Tulsa police say

(Thanks to Alan West, who says "I hope he kept his 'Get Out of Jail Free' card.")

THIS IS THE 376,438TH TIME WE HAVE READ SOME VERSION OF THIS STORY

...and we're still not biting.

(Thanks to Ashe Scheiner)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Oxford scientists crack case of why ketchup splatters from near-empty bottle

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND IN THE ARTS

A contemporary pop artist known for transforming The Simpsons in his art says he could take action against Cardi B for recreating his work in a Halloween Instagram post. Italian artist aleXsandro Palombo claims Cardi B was never authorized to use his art for her Oct. 31 post, in which the rapper portrayed Marge Simpson in a dress cut out on the backside to expose her butt cleavage.

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

NOTHING SAYS "'TIS THE SEASON"

...like Caesar salad candy canes.

"With a dash of anchovy."

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

WHY ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS SHOULD BE REQUIRED TO HAVE SPEARS

City employee in  Japan kills wild boar with spear on elementary school grounds

Vaguely related: Japanese zoo practices lion escape protocol in hilarious drill

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOU GOTTA FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT NOT TO PARTY

A French court has ruled that companies can't fire their workers for failing to be sufficiently "fun."

(Thanks to Robert Moats)

THEY ALSO HATE SQUIRRELS

Octopus Brains Evolved to Share a Surprising Trait in With Our Brains

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

THE WORD IS 'HERO'

The 30-year-old supermodel gave researchers a sample of her blood before and after reaching climax so they could study its effects on her body chemistry – and the results will be screened on TV this week. 

(Thanks to Roberto)

AND IN WEST VIRGINIA SPORTS

The Commode Bowl

(Thanks to pharmaross)

LOOKING FOR A SPECIAL HOLIDAY GIFT?

Sculpture of naked Putin on golden toilet up for auction

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE INTERNET: AN EASILY AMUSED PLACE

"Fast And Furious": Video Of Snake Slithering Away With Slipper Leaves Internet In Splits

(It’s actually a flip-flop.) (Why a snake needs a flip-flop, we’ll never know.)

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SQUIRRELS ARE BASICALLY LARGE FURRY PARASITES

A Mind-Controlling Parasite Is Making Yellowstone Wolves Foolhardy

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

World Cup fan known as 'T*ts Man' forced to remove inflatable boobs by Qatar cops

We’ve known many guys who were T*ts Men.

(Thanks to Doug Ogg and pharmaross)

WE DON’T KNOW ABOUT ON THE ROAD, BUT PROBABLY YES IN THE CAR

Will Self-Driving Cars Lead to More Sex on the Road?

(Thanks to pharmaross)

STILL SITTING INSIDE THE ORIGINAL VENDING MACHINE

World’s ‘oldest meal’ discovered in 550-million-year-old fossil

(Thanks to Steve K, who says “And another Hostess Twinkie was nearby, still in perfect condition.”)

USA! USA !

THEY WERE BOTH RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING ETC.

Rarely seen snake species shows up in middle of Florida road — eating another animal

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner and Robert Moats)

CANADA: A NATION IN CHAOS

Watch RCMP chase down escaped ostriches running amok in Taber

(Thanks to B&C and Roberto)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS THIS BLOG DID NOT FINISH READING

Hello herald.com,

How are you doing today?

I'm sure you have been contacted regarding this before but

WE MIGHT AS WELL SHRED THE COLOMBIAN CONSTITUTION, IF THERE IS ONE

A Colombian judge notorious for sharing racy photos of herself on social media was handed a three-month suspension this week for appearing half-naked and smoking in bed during a virtual court hearing.

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w, pharmaross, Michael Parry and Robert Moats)

SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE SOMETHING THIEVES WOULD DO

Venezuela man, 79, turns up in emergency department with a beer bottle stuck up his butt — and tells doctors 'thieves put it there'

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

THIS IS THE ONE, PEOPLE

New Loch Ness Monster sighting 'proves' mythical creature is real

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WE ALL KNOW WHO ‘KEVIN’ IS WORKING FOR

‘He kind of amps them up’: ‘Kevin’ the ringleader as turkeys terrorize Massachusetts town

(Thanks to Doug Ogg and Rodney Bertelsen)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

4:08 p.m. A septuagenarian at the hospital was hitting on orderlies.  

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Texas woman sets boyfriend's house ablaze after another woman answers his phone: Police

Oops: The other woman “later turned out to be his relative.”

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Ugly invisibility sweater invented that tricks AI so you can’t be spotted on security cameras

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

WE’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BOWL

Fisherman catches 67-pound goldfish

(Thanks to many people)

FLORIDA CRIME REPORT

Unfortunately our strict policy against making fun of people’s names prohibits us from bringing you the Florida Crime Report.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, BLOG PEOPLE

We’re thankful for you. Don’t ever change. Or stop taking your medications.