Dave Barry's Blog

SPIDERS GET DIARRHEA?

Toilet user's horror as huge spider perched on top of loo roll after 'bout of diarrhoea'

You know the continent.

(Thanks to Ralph)

IN OUR DAY WE’D DISSECT ’EM

Snakes and mice are falling from the ceiling of a Lexington high school

(Thanks to Rick Day)

TRAGEDY IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

6:15 p.m. After being struck by a vehicle, a raccoon passed away and its raccoon friend seemed “worked up.”

Thanks to Mary Smith)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS THIS BLOG DID NOT FINISH READING

Hi {First Name},

WE THOUGHT WE ALREADY POSTED THIS, BUT WE CAN’T FIND IT, SO JUST IN CASE WE’RE POSTING IT AGAIN

A squirrel terrorism update.

(Thanks to John Grant)

YOU’LL WONDER HOW YOU EVER MANAGED WITHOUT THIS SKILL

Learn how to crush walnuts with your butt from Japan’s Guinness World Record holder

(Thanks to Ralph)

THEY’RE ASSUMING ELVIS IS DEAD

AI Portraits Imagine How Celebrities Would Look If They Were Still Alive Today

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

SOMEBODY HAS TO DO IT

Man treks globe in search of the world’s worst public toilet

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

THE SPACE FORCE HAS AN OFFICIAL SONG

And it aint Rocket Man.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

COPACABANA?

Salt Lake City sewers emit mysterious music in homes

(Thanks to Zaphod)

CSI: WILDWOOD, FLA.

As detailed in a Wildwood Police Department arrest report, the Schell family had “ordered Chinese food but the takeout containers were not labeled,” which upset Schell since he did not know “which container of food was his.”

Schell’s son, police reported, said that he argued with his father and sister over the Chinese food “due to the fact that the victim had eaten [his father’s] food unknowingly.”

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

AND IN SPORTS II

Man visits 67 pubs in 24 hours to break world record

(Thanks to Greg Snow and The Amazing Steve, who says “burp.”)

O THE H

Crash involving five semis covers Florida highway in beer cans

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, Jane Linderman, Rodney Bertelsen, Rick Stevenson and Emily, Leslie and w)

FLYING SOUTHWEST TO HAWAII?

You might want to ask for a non-ukulele flight.

(Thanks to Alan Dean)

HEADED TOWARD FLORIDA, NO DOUBT

The driver then reportedly tried to run away with a young child and a bottle of whiskey in their hands.

(Thanks to Alan Dean)

BIG DEAL: YOU CAN SEE THIS EVERY DAY ON I-95 IN MIAMI

Man drives a mile in reverse to break Guinness World Record

(Thanks to Noah Spicker)

AND IN SPORTS

Shear genius! British woman, 34, smashes world's sheep shearing female record by buzzing her way through 370 sheep in eight hours after strict training regime in the gym

(Thanks to Noah Spicker)

CLASSY!

Michigan couple gifted custom, four-tiered cocktail sausage cake on their wedding day

(Thanks to Dave Vander Ark)

SEA OTTERS ARE BASICALLY LARGE AQUATIC SQUIRRELS

'Like a scary movie': Sea otter takes surfer's board in Santa Cruz

(Thanks to vee)

JUST STOP

Deodorant, Ramen, SPAM: Unexpected Products Join Pumpkin Spice Craze

(Thanks to Alan Dean, who says "SPAM?")

NEEDLESS TO SAY IT PRODUCED A VALID DRIVER'S LICENSE

Giant Monitor Lizard Tries To Enter House In Florida

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHY THE LONG CLAWS?

For the second time in a year, a large bear walked into a 7-Eleven in Olympic Valley, California and shocked an employee, a video shows.

(Thanks to Ralph)

MAYBE WE DON'T DESERVE TO SURVIVE, AS A SPECIES

FDA warns against cooking chicken in NyQuil, the latest social media challenge

(Thanks to Annette and ImNotDave)

TURKEYS ARE BASICALLY SQUIRRELS WITH FEATHERS

‘Aggressive’ turkeys take over neighbourhood and ‘keep residents trapped in their homes’

(Thanks to Annette)

AND EVERY SINGLE ONE HAS A TINY BUT VALID FLORIDA DRIVER’S LICENSE

Earth has at least 20 quadrillion ants, study finds

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston and Rodney Bertelsen)

AND IN SPORTS

Exec for Vegan Alternative ‘Beyond Meat’ Jailed for Allegedly Biting ‘Flesh’ from Man’s Nose After NCAA Game

(Thanks to The Perts, Doug Ogg, Stan Ruth and Rod Nunley)

WHERE THE HELL IS THE SO-CALLED ‘FEDERAL GOVERNMENT?’

U.S. beer shortage looms with gap in carbon dioxide supply

(Thanks to Ralph, Rich Alpin and Emily, Leslie and w)

DINING IN FUKURUKUJU

The person who took his order immediately lit up, taking great pleasure in saying loudly: “Well, the Big Cock might be tough today. Let me check for you“, before scurrying off to the kitchen. Masanuki looked down at his table, hoping the other diners hadn’t heard their conversation, only to hear the waitstaff calling out to the chef in the kitchen:

“Looks like we have a big cock. Can you handle it?” 

(Thanks to Ralph)

THAR SHE BLOWS!

Loch Ness Monster spotter gets 'first sightings of Nessie' after webcams installed

Seeing be believing, me hearties:

(Thanks to John Lobert, who asks "How much more rock-solid photographic evidence are people going to need?")

TOILET SNAKES, ME HEARTIES

They be in Alabama now.

Since we be speakin' o' commodes: Here’s Why A Toilet Is Hanging On A Navy F/A-18 Super Hornet’s Wing

IT BE A STARRRRRR STUDENT

Viral Video Shows Monkey Attending Classes With Students At Jharkhand Government School

(Thanks to Ralph)

IN CONSIDARRRRRATION

Guinea Pig Awareness week has been cancelled for the Queen's funeral

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT BE CORRECT

Roku thinks MiamiTV is an international channel.

(Thanks to Paulr)

SHOW AND TELL, ME HEARTIES

Georgia middle-schoolers passed around 'edible gummy bears' that parents fear might have been infused with THC

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

ARRRRRRRR

Arrrrrrrrrrr

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

Northern Minnesota researchers find treasure after sorting through 7,000 wolf poops

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

EMAIL FROM THE TLAP CREW

It's the eve of Talk Like a Pirate Day, and this year it's the 20th anniversary of when you brought our little idea to the world's attention. We thought, "Well, there's our 15 minutes of fame, it'll be over by the afternoon," but somehow we were able to stretch that out out to 20 years. Never would have imagined it. A lot of chutzpah (not a pirate word) on our part, but it wouldn't have meant anything without your initial boost.

Thanks. Enjoy the day. We'll be hosting on livestreamed at the events page on Facebook from 6 to 9 p.m. PDT, assuming we can get the system set up. Fortunately we've got someone who says he knows what he's doing to do that. We shall see.

Thanks for spreading the word and the word is "Aarrr!" – Ol' Chumbucket

GROOMS IN ACTION

A GROOM suffered a broken collar bone after trying to show off on a dirt bike at his wedding.

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says " Other than that, it was a lovely affair.")

WE'VE ALL DONE IT

A Florida doctor did a procedure on the wrong end of a colon, halting the patient’s ability to pass gas or excrete waste through his rear, a Florida Department of Health administrative complaint says.

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

THERE ARE TIMES WHEN WE WISH THEY WOULD

Ameca the robot, from Engineered Arts, was asked about a book when it replied saying that humans have "no need to worry" as robots have no plans to "take over the world"

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

8:07 a.m. A Whitefish man who thought he’d won $19 billion, a new Mercedes and a weekly stipend had already spent $18,000 trying to pay taxes on his winnings before being told it was all a scam.

(Thanks to Roberto)

THE FUTURE

It has arrived.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

REMINDER, ME HEARTIES:

Tomorrow be September 19.

CSI: DUESSELDORF

Trail of slime leads customs officials to stash of almost 100 giant snails

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE REMIND YOU THAT RACCOONS ARE BASICALLY FAT SQUIRRELS

'Unpatriotic' raccoons repeatedly invade official's home, poop on flag

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEN:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to Roberto)

UPDATE: ‘IF THEY WANT ME TO STRIP FULLY NAKED, I WILL DO IT’

Chess Player Insists He Didn't Use Sex Toy To Defeat World Champion

(Thanks to Alan Dean)

SEEMS SOLID

King Charles will abdicate next year according to psychic who reads asparagus

(Thanks to Alan Dean)

AND IT'S ONLY $75,000!

A growing number of men are undergoing a radical and expensive surgery to grow anywhere from three to six inches. The catch: It requires having both your femurs broken.

(Thanks to Joshua Evans)

SOUNDS LEGIT

Dockworkers claimed $2.1million in fraudulent health insurance payments for strippers to perform sex acts and declared them as 'chiropractic' or 'physical therapy' service, Feds say

(Thanks to Michael Moyer)