Dave Barry's Blog

STAY CLASSY, NEWLYWEDS!

Newlyweds charge guest £3.66 for eating extra slice of cake after reviewing CCTV footage

(Thanks to John Lobert)

SOMETHING NICE, FOR A CHANGE

Good morning Blog!

I have no idea if this will get to Dave or Judi because Im not a Moatie anymore (it's been years due to life and stuff) so maybe I could still find them through that, but I don't have any idea where the Moat might be at this point. But!

I want to say a very heartfelt thank you to Dave and Judi and this blog and the Moat. Many years ago I fell into the Moat quite by accident and stayed a good while. And met a fellow Moatie called Joshie. I have never actually met in person this Joshie from the Moat, but last week Josh gave my husband a kidney. His left kidney in fact. And he gave him an awesome kidney and Eric should have a long and healthy life now because of Josh. All because I met Josh on the Moat. While playing with Moaties. On the Dave Barry blog. so.. if this can get passed along by any chance to Judi or Dave.. Thank you! You guys are the reason my husband gets to live to a ripe old age. Bet they never thought they could be directly responsible for saving a life. And yet, here we are :-)

Someday when they both heal, we will be meeting Joshie live and in person. After 20+ years, I will meet a Moatie live and thank him too. Because I still haven't met the man. But the blog attracts some really awesome people.

Thank you for existing! You've given me an awesome thing because you do!

Wolfie

(Jessica)

Clarification for you newbies: "MOAT" means Mother Of All Threads. From judi: "It was a long thread that got started on the blog but then eventually they transferred to something else and they continued having lots of gatherings and they made a calendar and all kinds of stuff."

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE THE CIA

A venture capital firm funded by the CIA has officially placed its bets on bringing back extinct species like the woolly mammoth and the thylacine,

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

‘PILLOW NOT INCLUDED AS MY DOG HAS TAKEN TO IT’

Scots wife giving away coffin online after husband lives 'longer than she hoped'

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOU KNOW WHO WAS OPERATING THIS DRONE

Queensland's Browns Plains without electricity after drone food delivery crashes into powerlines

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

DON’T CROSS THE CORLEONES

Dolphins keep dying mysteriously at this Las Vegas casino

(Thanks to Charles Cates) 

STRIKING A BLOW FOR THE FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHT TO BUY A PUMPKIN

Motor lodge receptionist awarded $21k after being yelled at for buying a pumpkin

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

IMAGINE OUR JOY

McDonald’s is releasing new Happy Meals for adults to recreate ‘one of the most nostalgic experiences’

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

Cow dung speakers

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan)

AND IN MIAMI SPORTS

Miami Dolphins fans spark controversy by setting up make-shift strip club in parking lot ahead of game

Best Comment So Far: "Disgusting! Does anyone know when the next Miami home game is?"

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

WELL, SHE DIDN'T GET PREGNANT

Florida reporter defends putting condom on mic during Hurricane Ian broadcast

(Thanks to Roberto)

‘NOT AN IDEAL SOLUTION’

An international team led by researchers from the University of Otago in New Zealand were able to show that castration of male sheep delays the aging of DNA, and the same principles could apply to humans as well.

(Thanks to Roberto)

IN OTHER BAT-RELATED NEWS

Trailer filled with hundreds of pounds of bat droppings stolen from Lincoln business

(Thanks to Steve Bradford) 

SCIENTISTS FINALLY DO SOMETHING USEFUL

Scientists Create AI-Powered Laser Turret That Kills Cockroaches

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Rod Nunley)

MAKE IT A HALLOWEEN THEME

California school dance postponed due to bats in gym

(Thanks to Ralph)

Rats are basically winged squirrels.

BOLO

He can blend right in.

(Thanks to Ralph)

AFTER HE CONSUMED THEM

Man attacks restaurant employees after being denied refund for his tacos

(Thanks to Bill Carver, who says “What choice did he have?”)

THIS IS HUGE

The purple M&M is here, but not the way you might think

(Thanks to Steve K., who says "I've always hoped I'd live long enough.")

UPDATE

American Airlines says a mechanical issue was responsible for strange sounds coming from a plane’s public announcement system during a flight from Los Angeles to Dallas.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

"Mechanical issue" is code for "evil spirit."

AND IN SPORTS

Diamondback rattlesnake interrupts Florida high school football game

CANADA: A NATION IN CHAOS

Ontario driver busted with insecure load of carrots

(Thanks to Ralph)

We believe Insecure Load of Carrots opened for Strawberry Alarm Clock.

THEY ARE RELENTLESS

Red squirrel shuts down Scottish bakery for two days

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Parcel thieves fought back against a Texas couple who tricked them into stealing dirty diapers by spraying their house with cow manure.

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

IF YOU SAY SO

ADDING ROBOTIC GOOGLY EYES TO SELF-DRIVING CARS MAKE THEM SAFER

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

(Not to nitpick, but it should be "makes.")

THAT'S ONE WAY TO DESCRIBE WHAT THEY DO

Water-filled condoms bring 'mermaid vibes' to Paris Fashion Week

(Thanks to Joshua Evans and Allen at Division)

BLOG STATUS UPDATE

To answer your questions:

1. No, we don't know why the blog went away for a while there.
2. No, we don't know what the hell this means:
3. Yes, judi has been fired.

WE GOT YER UPDATE RIGHT HERE

Hello,

Can I get an update on this?

Waiting for your prompt response.

Best Regards,
Patrick Parker

On Mon, Sep 26, 2022 at 6:44 PM Patrick Parker wrote:
Hello,

Hope you had a good weekend. Can I get an update on this?

Best Regards,
Patrick Parker

On Fri, Sep 23, 2022 at 6:22 PM Patrick Parker wrote:
Hi,

Hope you are well

Just wanted to follow up on my previous emails. Did you get a chance to see them?

Best Regards,
Patrick Parker

On Thu, Sep 22, 2022 at 1:41 PM Patrick Parker wrote:
Hello,

Can I get an update on this?

Waiting for your prompt response.

Best Regards,
Patrick Parker

On Tue, Sep 20, 2022 at 6:28 PM Patrick Parker wrote:
Hi,

Have you given this a thought?

Regards,
Patrick Parker

On Mon, Sep 19, 2022 at 6:50 PM Patrick Parker wrote:
Hi,

Any new updates on this? Waiting for your response.

Regards,
Patrick Parker

On Fri, Sep 16, 2022 at 7:13 PM Patrick Parker wrote:
Hi,

I hope you are well. Can I get any update on this?

Regards
Patrick Parker

On Thu, Sep 15, 2022 at 7:43 PM Patrick Parker wrote:
Hi,

I hope you are well.

I just wanted to follow up on my last email. Did you get a chance to see it?

Regards
Patrick Parker

On Wed, Sep 14, 2022 at 6:31 PM Patrick Parker wrote:
Hello Miami Herald Team,

I know you probably receive tons of emails every day, so I’ll keep it short.

I see that you publish some really great content on miamiherald.com. I am writing a well-researched, data-driven, and in-depth blog post, which might be a great addition to your blog.

IAN

We're getting a LOT of rain in Miami, but the worst of Ian appears to be headed for the Tampa-St. Pete area. We hope the folks up there get through it OK. And we urge everyone to heed the words of Walter the Weather Oosik, who reminds you to make sure you have enough emergency supplies on hand to last until you pass out.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

New fully self-driving Volkswagen allows you to work, eat and SLEEP

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

ADVISORY TO CHIHUAHUA OWNERS:

Keep your mouth closed while you sleep. Trust us, you don’t want to know why.

(Thanks to Rick Day and Matt Filar)

WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE

Cobra regurgitates entire snake after eating too much for lunch

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE HAVE BEEN ON MANY, MANY FLIGHTS

But this is a new one.

(Thanks to Moe Money, who says “Not your captain speaking.”)

WHO’S UP FOR SOME OLD-FASHIONED PUFFIN TOSSING?

Why it's perfectly normal to see baby puffins thrown off cliffs in Iceland each year

(Thanks to vee)

WE SAW GATHERING OF NIGELS OPEN FOR THE CLASH

Gathering of 372 Nigels eases fears of mass ‘Nige’ extinction

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THE SCIENCE IS (BURRRRRPP) SETTLED

Drinking beer every night may lower your risk of dementia, scientists claim.

(Thanks to Emile, Leslie and w and Michael Moyers)

Is it just us, or do "scientists" release a new study on this subject -- often contradicting the previous study -- roughly every 17 minutes? 

NOT BITTER AT ALL!

New Jersey man is caught making daily visits to PEE on grave of ex-wife he divorced 48 years ago

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

MEANWHILE IN CANADIAN SPORTS

The Kelowna Kinsmen Club hosted a cornhole tournament over the weekend open to the public, with hopes of drawing attention to the sport while also attracting new members.

(Thanks to BigUke)

RATS ARE BASICALLY GROUND-BASED SQUIRRELS

Over 1,500 Virginia Residents Left Without Power Because Of Rat

(Thanks to Rick Day)

IT’S ESCALATING

Woman fires shot during fight at Chuck E. Cheese in Brandon, deputies say

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, EricY, John Lobert and Ralph)

THERE ARE NO WORDS

A British soldier who was captured while fighting in Ukraine has revealed how he was forced by the Russians to listen to ABBA and Cher on repeat while a prisoner.

(Thanks to David Snoke, who says “at least it wasn’t ‘Copacabana’”)

TO YOU ALL YOU BLOGSTERS WHO BELONG TO THE TRIBE:

Shana tovah!

AND THE SO-CALLED ‘UNITED NATIONS SECURITY COUNCIL’ DOES NOTHING

The British UFO Research Association (BUFORA) has been sent a report of a pocket-sized alien with fears the mini 'Martian' could be a scout for an extra-terrestrial force

(Thanks to Ralph)

FOOL

Scots man saves squirrel trapped down toilet in heroic rescue mission caught on camera

(Thanks to Ralph)

”Heroic.”

JUST STOP, RESEARCHERS

Japan-led researchers develop rechargeable cyborg cockroach

(Thanks to John Grant)

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

Cow poops, sits inside ATM vestibule as man covers nose and withdraws money

This has been The News From Abroad.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA

Woman who brought raccoon to North Dakota bar is charged

(Thanks to EricY)

WE HAVE MANY QUESTIONS

Number one is, what if the guests have to go to the bathroom?

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

Loch Ness Monster 'may live' in Stranger Things-style parallel universe

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says”We finally get an explanation that makes some sense.”)

IT’S WHY WE’RE HERE, EH DUDE?

Michigan man asks border officer if he could buy pot

(Thanks to The Perts)

CLOSE ENOUGH FOR GOVERMENT WORK

DC Misspells ‘Virginia' on Street Sign

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)