Dave Barry's Blog

THANK GOD FOR STUDIES

Study: Breast Size Increased 300% on Female Comic Book Characters over the Last 70 Years

(Thanks to jim)

FINALLY

Police get swan handling lessons

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND IN SPORTS

Chess robot grabs and breaks finger of seven-year-old opponent

(Thanks to Doug Ogg, wiredog, Steve Bradford, Fabian Marson, Barry Nester and Bruce McIntyre)

WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

We investigated whether peeing on your garden will keep pests away

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE NERVE

Animals Caught Having Sex in Front of Guests on Disney’s Kilimanjaro Safaris

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE NEWS FROM LATIN AMERICA

Argentine presidential spokeswoman enters Instagram contest to win a dildo

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF EMERGENCY FOR WHICH 911 WAS CREATED

Drunk Florida Man Calls 911 Because “Girlfriend Wished To Eat Sour Patch Kids”

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE SEEDS

The feud between a weed influencer and scientist over puking stoners

(Thanks to vee)

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Police under fire for banning food vendors from wearing dinosaur costumes

(Thanks to Ralph)

'THE EMPIRE STRIPS BACK'

There's a Star Wars strip show.

(Thanks to Carlos Montage)

WICHITA FALLS: EVEN SLOWER THAN VERMONT, NEWSWISE?

Again, you be the judge.

(Thanks to Steve K.)

SLOW NEWS WEEK IN VERMONT?

You be the the judge.

(Thanks to Frank)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Father who 'hasn't stopped breaking wind since he ate a ham roll at a Christmas market five years ago' sues for £200,000

(Thanks to Roberto)

OTHER THAN THAT, AN UNEVENTFUL JOURNEY

After a bedding down for the night on the Caledonian Sleeper train on Tuesday - expecting to sleep through a 345-mile journey - passengers woke up to find it had never left the station.

(Thanks to Fabian Marson and Ralph)

THE FINAL FRONTIER

NASA scientist explains why astronauts should not masturbate in zero gravity

(Thanks to Annette, Barry Nester and Frank)

WE HAVE ALL ASKED OURSELVES:

Are Butt Masks Worth It?

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

AND IN SPORTS

Crotch Cup 2022

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BUT... BUT THAT'S WHAT HE IS

Fake Navy SEAL ordered to stop being a fake Navy SEAL

(Thanks to pharmaross)

ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK

FBI: No sign of Jimmy Hoffa under New Jersey bridge

(Thanks to pharmaross and Jeff Meyerson)

WE NEED TO GRANT THE FCC THE POWER TO IMPOSE THE DEATH PENALTY

FCC orders phone companies to block auto warranty robocalls

(Thanks to pharmaross)

NEVER SHOWER WITHOUT PEPPER SPRAY

Attacker hits woman with toilet seat while she’s showering, Ohio prosecutor says

(Thanks to pharmaross)

GUESS THE STATE

A man accused of “driving erratically” by his neighbors responded to the criticism by driving into a neighbor’s home — which prompted a homeowner to shoot at him.

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

'GET A DOG!'

Police in Fogelsville, PA had to unholster their weapons and spray some lead after a 15-foot snake started choking its owner to death

(Thanks to Frank)

CRY US A RIVER

It's so hot in Texas that squirrels are splooting.

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEANWHILE IN A PLACE VERY UNLIKE FLATHEAD COUNTY

The East Hampton Star Police Logs

(Thanks to wiredog)

'BETWEEN CINDERELLA'S CASTLE AND PETER PAN'S FLIGHT'

Disney World descends into chaos as 2 families brawl in huge Magic Kingdom fight

(Thanks to The Perts and Al Barkafski, who says "Move over, Chuck E. Cheese!")

SUUUUURE

Hyundai Subsidiary Unveils Flying Car Concept That Could Fly U.S. Skies by 2028

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

And after our flight we'll eat delicious food made from insects!

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

A Logitech webcam is then added to the mix in order to give the project eyes and a bit of homebrew code performs object detection to observe if the driver picks up a cell phone. If they do, the servo is activated and a ruler zip-tied to the contraption punishes the driver by smacking the phone out of their hand.

(Thanks to Frank)

ALSO THE DOG ATE HER HOMEWORK

Student demands retest after monkey pees on answer sheet

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

TEN (BURP) HUT!

Beer in the barracks? Army says ‘maybe’

(Thanks to pharmaross, who asks "What could possibly go wrong?")

JUST A BEER FOR US, THANKS

The Velveeta martini.

(Thanks to klezmerphan)

GUESS THE CONTINENT

Snake captured in McDonalds drive-thru ‘sleeping off a few Big Macs’

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FLORIDA: WHERE THE LAW IS THE LAW

Man fined $100+ for using an umbrella at Belleair Shore Beach in Pinellas County

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA

A Central Florida woman accused of running around outside a Publix store with a pitchfork and a black whip, while trying to sell teddy bears, was arrested Tuesday afternoon, according to the Florida Highway Patrol.

(Thanks to Ron T and pharmaross)

AWESOME, DUDE

Mysterious pink glow over town confirmed as medicinal cannabis facility lighting

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

AS LONG AS IT WAS A CONSENTING PELICAN

Man Arrested for Drunkenly Running Around Campground With Pelican

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE WILD BLUE YONDER

How an Unqualified Sex Worker Allegedly Infiltrated a Top Air Force Lab

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says "The Air Force Insists on QUALIFIED sex workers.")

THIS MAN HAD BETTER SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN

A Man Made a 3-D Printed “Iron Man” Helmet for His Cat

(Thanks to John Lobert)

AND IN SPORTS

Portland Pickles to hold 'Exploding Whale Night'

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

ALWAYS CHECK YOUR BED FOR OTTERS

Couple astounded after hearing 'rattle' in home - and finding otter in bed

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "Wonder who put him up to it?")

A GRATEFUL NATION REJOICES

Mystery of Oregon 2022 mascot Bigfoot’s missing head solved by police

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

1:59 p.m. A man was upset that he had not been contacted about the theft of his dog at a Motel 6 last year. It was later learned that he had given the dog away while intoxicated.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE MEDICAL SCIENCE IS SETTLED

Beer could help you survive a heatwave, doctor says

(Thanks to many people)

OTHER THAN THAT IT WAS A BRILLIANT PROTEST

A drunk man who lay down in front of a hotel in protest because staff wouldn’t let him to his room was moved on by police – because he had the wrong hotel.

(Thanks to Ralph)

FLIES HAVE BRAINS?

US researchers 'hack' fly brains and control them remotely

(Thanks to wiredog, who says "We were promised flying cars.")

MEANWHILE ABROAD

Somerset woman stages naked protest at overgrown hedge

(Thanks to pharmaross)

We feel we should note that she is not, in fact, naked.

CSI: CADILLAC LOUNGE

Robber steals $22,000 in $1 bills from Providence strip club

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "In keeping with the strict Blog policy, I will NOT point out the strip club owner's name that is a byproduct of satisfied customers.") (Also thanks to Guin, who says "We're gonna need a bigger G-string.")

ATTENTION, CULTURE-LOVERS:

Did you know The Colony is home to a toilet seat museum?

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHO SAYS CHIVALRY IS DEAD?

Not this blog.

(Thanks to Jim Perth)

UPDATE FROM THE PARENTAL FRONT

Hi, Dave.

We have an adult son who is living with us while he attends university in pursuit of a bachelor’s degree in engineering. His ten year-old son (our grandson) also lives with us.

We call our son OVL – Our Valiant Lad.

We have a smallish single story house. He uses the bathroom in the hallway. The other bathroom is ours. Anyway, he’s had a habit of turning on the heater (the fan is broken) whenever he uses the toilet. He says it’s so we don’t hear the number one or two he is working to produce. When he opens the bathroom door, the heated air hits the thermostat which is located on the wall opposite the bathroom door. This turns on our A/C. Repeatedly.

I suggested to OVL that since it is over 109 degrees outside, perhaps he does not need to turn on the heater. There’s nothing the rest of us haven’t heard and it would help our electric bill to not have the central system constantly cycling to keep up with his, ahem, bodily output.

We have been under an Excessive Heat Warning for the past 10 days and the forecast calls for the next 15 consecutive days to be over 100 degrees, with several hitting 108.

I’m not sure why I wrote this to you, except it’s not a story about politics, war, protests, climate change, or inflation. But the story on applying table sugar to a prolapsed anus might have triggered this.

Best to you,

MOTW