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May 17, 2022

ATTENTION, SOUTH FLORIDA SPORTS FANS WISHING TO JUMP ON THE HEAT OR PANTHERS PLAYOFF BANDWAGONS:

Here you go.

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I often hear about four and five star athletes, though perhaps Dave has opened the door for four and five star fans and fan bases.

Let the recruiting and NIL deals begin!

I was once a big NBA fan. I no longer watch the games because the players, owners, broadcasters as well as anything associated with the NBA make me sick. I'm serious.

So, I watch hockey. Living in Anaheim I am a big Ducks fan. I plan to not follow the Ducks next year. I am betting they will not make the playoffs until sometime in the 23rd century. The people who manage the Ducks are nuts. They haven't got a chance for at least the next 200 years. AS for the Los Angeles Kings, I follow them and I am damn mad about them losing to 'The Wusss' David McConner' of the Oil's or as I like to call him 'Pu**y face'. I could whip McConner David's azz in a flash. So, I have faith the Kings will someday be atop the NHL again. I wish they would get rid of Barney Rubble their current coach. I also like some of the Kings players because they are from London, Ontario Canada where I hope to live some day because after extensive therapy sessions I am convinced I can take the cold. And wish I had their wives. Although no longer with Kings, Jeff Carter is from London, Ontario. Actually that picture is of Tyler Toffoli's girlfriend, but He knows Jeff because they played together on the Kings. Drew Doughty is also from London, Ontario, married his high school and has no front teeth to show for it.

I won't go on, but I can tell you LaBaby James would be pummeled if He showed up in London, Ontario. I will admit I am a Luke Doncic fan so I am rooting for the Dallas Maverics to take it all this year. I am also hoping Mark Cuban is trampled during the celebration and requires a head transplant.

GO London, Ontario born players of all sports!

*Dave is the best writer EVER.

Drew Doughty is also from London, Ontario, married his high school sweetheart and has no front teeth to show for it.

Living in Roswell, New Mexico, heat and panthers take on a different meaning than in Southern Florida. Heat can be handled by finding shade in a saloon or cantina and drinking beer. Now panthers are a bigger problem but stuffing them later on keeps our local taxidermists employed.

Sports are mostly enjoyed in the comfort of an air-conditioned recliner or barstool. The space aliens offer laser tag, but since they employ real lasers, we reasonably decline to join one of their teams and become players.

Now that we know the Florida players backgrounds, we will watch some games on TV and possibly the aliens may transmit a few games on Intergalactic subspace. Might be fun to watch what happens. Or not. Aliens are unpredictable creatures you know.

Thanks. I had a rough day, and my husband sagely advised: You need to read Dave Barry's Blog. We did and just finishing howling over this column and the other headlines. Many thanks from both of us. Not a bad day after all.

Le Petomane - if you meet an alien from London, Ontario go for their wife. or daughter as the case may be.

Go Boston Sex Rods!

This made me feel guilty so I went to see some footage of our Houston hockey team. Turns out the fourth largest city in the US does not have an NHL hockey team, just the Aeros in the IHL. Oops, they seem to have disbanded. Still, according to Google, we do have field hockey, but the fields here, even though very flat, don't freeze over very often, only when the power grid fails in February. OK, fairly often. (Yeah, Dallas has an NHL team, proving that it must be something we do not want.)

They should combine the two sports to make a Basket-Puck.

It’s too bad there wasn’t a chapter in the Lucy book about just being nice to people because in this column, Dave. Barry isn’t. It should be possible to create humor without denigrating people because of where they live

Steve K., the Stars are now out of the playoffs, but don't feel too bad Houston doesn't have a team. Soon enough nobody south of Canada will have a hockey team. People tend to be fans of sports they played as kids. The population center of this country has been moving south for half a century now. You can't play hockey where the water doesn't freeze, and rinks are far too expensive to build, maintain, and rent. The day is coming hockey will be purely a Canadian game.

Meanwhile, the Suns just proved better than anybody that nobody has an answer for Luka. He just flat out toyed with them.

A comment made on another forum I frequent:

"Faking injuries. Basketball players are the worse (sic) at this. Football players can be the second worse (sic). At least in football they have to come out for one play, but sometimes the injury is so minor and the player probably would've come out of the series anyway that they don't even go get evaluated on the sideline.

"Baseball players, when they get injured, are usually injured. The less serious injuries involves a few minutes of stoppage, but usually doesn't benefit either side.

"Hockey players, when injured, usually leave the game, are declared dead, get 170 stitches for massive loss of blood, receive an organ or limb transplant, and make it back to the bench to be on the ice for their next shift."

Actually Detroit and Florida have a lot in common. Both are rife with porno bookstores, tattoo parlors, pawn shops, liquor stores, strip clubs, and "Hooters". The only differences I see are that it snows in Detroit and Florida has prehistoric wildlife like insects the size of a Toyota Camry.

One of Dave's comments was apparently shortened for space considerations. "The Heat are playing the Boston Celtics, a team with a rich storied basketball tradition of committing fouls" originally added, "and attempting to have fouls called on their opponents by flying backwards like a novelty circus act whenever said opponent moves in any direction, including towards the locker room on a stretcher." I'm sure that will show up in the unabridged collection.

BTW, I just returned from the Tampa Bay area where I was moderately impressed with the hockey enthusiasm shown by a lot of people who have not seen ice outside of a margarita since they moved south several suntans ago. Not being a big NHL fan it took me a while to figure out who "Go Bolts!" signs referred to. The TB folks are not terribly concerned with the NBA, but they do seem to believe the pro football season will reconvene any minute, and are attired accordingly.

Just remember, sports fans, no matter what you're doing, Don Shula is watching you from the beyond.

It is a well-known fact that South Florida sports fans, in general, do not attend home games of teams that aren't winning when those teams play at home.

Kind regards,

Dr. Howard Katz

https://dentox.com

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