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April 10, 2022

DEAR NEW YORKERS MOVING TO FLORIDA:

Welcome!

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Love it and congratulations on the parking skills!
Here in my part of the south, the situation would have been fixed by calling in a guy with a large pickup truck and a chain. The offending car would have been unrecognizable after he was done.

Great article! However, I think you forgot one very important item:
Adult diapers
I'm sure that seeing a car flying at 100mph will cause a visitor to experience a sudden need to void their bowels!

One way you can distinguish a New York driver from a Floridian: if these use a turn signal EVER, they are NOT a Floridian.

Cindy, I used to live in a Brooklyn neighborhood where my neighbors had a similar (um) pro-active attitude towards morons like that. Once, this dumb@ss woman pulled out of a parking space (granted, it was a narrow street) and took the bumper of my VW Beetle with her (perhaps as a souvenir). Several of my neighbors descended on her and LIFTED THE VOLKSWAGEN, unhooking it from the moron's car, then sent her on her way.

The hell of being cursed with a lovely ( excepting hurricanes ) climate ( unlike Minnesota, where Winter is all year long and no one from New York wants to move ).

Dave, you don't seem to understand why some people get medals from the USG and others have monuments built in their honor. People receive medals because they have provided a very valuable service to the USG and this is the USG's method of letting them know they will not receive one plug nickel for that service, occaissionally postumously. Monuments on the other hand are only erected in memory of those who the USG phukked over so badly that they're no longer living as a result, and the monument is provided in lieu of an apology, and thereby is NOT an official recognition of guilt.

Thanks for making us both laugh out loud for the 1000 millionth time. My Dad (Dad of "B") was also a great parker. Once, in Vancouver B.C. where our family lived, he encountered a struggling parker, and helpfully shouted instructions to the driver until the person had manoeuvered perfectly into the spot. My beaming Dad came to the driver's window, ready to be heaped with praise, and the driver said: "But I was trying to get out." True story.

Someome need to start selling souvenir coins that have NY on one side &. FL on the other. Should be helpful when decision making is involved.

Ah, step 6: Memories of Hurricane Andrew and of taking six garbage bags full of unripe grapefruit from the tree so we didn’t have windows smashed with projectile fruit.

Dave,
One reason we here in New Mexico are not plagued with New Yorkers and their boneheaded parking habits is when they park their car, for any reason, over 5 minutes, when they come out their car will be sitting on 4 concrete blocks. If the NY visitors happen to chance visiting a cantina, their car will also be missing the radio and engine along with the tires and wheels. Usually there, even the concrete blocks will have been stolen.

Most vehicles with New York license plates we see are leaving New Mexico rather rapidly. Driving on new tires and wheels, of course.

1) "Our bagels suck, our pizza sucks, our Chinese food sucks, our airport sucks, our newspapers suck," Our vacuum cleaner sucks, too.

2) I am firmly convinced that if you purchase a car for more than $50,000, you get a certificate that allows you to legally drive like a complete a**hole.

3) RE: 7. This is NOT the reason we drive like we do. THe reason we drive like that is because of 2) above and becasue Florida seems to attract complete a**holes.

4) Our equivalent of Marjory Taylor Green lives in The Villages.

Wait... What am I supposed to do with all the lentils I bought last year? Or was it two years ago?

@w2575: I think you're supposed to throw the lentils in the pool in order to keep the iguanas from shrinking.

I have never been to NY, NY. I was once in Newark, N.J. on a job. The driver I was working with says, "i have a pickup I can make in NY, it's just across the bridge, wanna do that?" I immediately answered, "No." *See the first sentence of this post.

I have been to FL on numerous occasions. I did not get to visit my cousin in Pensacola, who at the time owned a coin operated car wash. I think he also sold bait. It must not have been far from his car wash to his bait store because he had one of his legs amputated at the knee. I always assumed he wanted to be just like Grandpa.

*Not of interest. My cousin was a dead ringer for Mick Jagger with one leg.

Dave,
I have not read your work for a long time. Not since the book on the worst songs ever: (Bats pooping on my head.)
While teaching a class on cyberbullying, Erikson's psychosocial development, Kohlberg's theory of moral development (or lack thereof), Gilligan's disputed ideas on "caring" I went in search of your article/chapter on 12-year-old smelly boys sitting on the sofa in your house and found this article.
This made me absolutely cry with laughter. I can't thank you enough for making me cry.
By the way, 12-year-old boys actually are the most dangerous. Not until they are about 18 do they think about consequences. Just so you know. Dr. Renita Wellman (just showing off my PhD)

We always love it when you share an article, Dave! Thanks!

I don’t know about hurricane season, but typhoon season is starting incredibly early here in Japan, with #1 already on the horizon.

That’s the best surprise ever when you link to an article of yours! Thank you so much Dave! Whenever I read your work I just dread it ending :)

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