Dave Barry's Blog

FLORIDA WILDLIFE UPDATE

Ran into this guy on Lucy's morning walk.

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING

Scientists demonstrate self-awareness in fish

(Thanks to John Lobert)

RESEARCHERS NEED TO GET OUT MORE

Swedish Researchers Really, Really Want Your Urine

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AND THEY ALL HAVE VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS’ LICENSES

Here's what one million mosquitoes look like

(Thanks to pharmaross and Le Petomane, who says “I wonder who counted them?”)

THE WORSENING SITUATION IN CANADA CONTINUES TO GET WORSE

Denture held hostage in fight between neighbours

(Thanks to Doug Ogg)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, PLEASE PROCEED ON YOUR MERRY WAY

Man stopped in Florida Keys for DUI tells deputies he’s high and happy

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE MOTHERS OF INVENTION

Floating Mystery Turds Interrupted The Apollo 10 Mission... Twice

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AUSTRALIAAAAAA

Deadly snake found inside Sydney man's bed

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THURSDAY NIGHT LIVE

I had the pleasure of "hosting" an event last night for the Miami Beach JCC featuring two members of the original Saturday Night Live crew: Laraine Newman and my old buddy Alan Zweibel, who was one of the writers. They told many funny behind-the-scenes stories about SNL and talked about their books -- Laraine's is May You Live in Interesting Times (and did she ever); Alan's latest is Laugh Lines: My Life Helping Funny People Be Funnier. My job was mainly to listen to these two great comedy pros and laugh. 

A GRATEFUL NATION REJOICES

Stolen Portland Pickles mascot Dillon found safe, team says

(Thanks to n7cfo)

DADS IN ACTION

Dad takes down town's internet by mistake to get his kids offline

(Thanks to Sean T)

KINKY

Police handcuff cougar bothering a residential neighbourhood

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOU CAN DEFINITELY WANT TO

Can You Die From Getting Kicked In The Testicles?

(Thanks to pharmaross)

O THE HUMANITY

Ship Carrying 1,100 Porsches and Other Luxury Cars Is Burning and Adrift

(Thanks to MOTW, ImNotDave and Le Petomane)

OTH II: The A1198 has reopened near Bassingbourn after a lorry spilled its load of beer over the road.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AS LONG AS IT’S CONSENTING CHEESE, WE DON’T CARE

What is the Government Doing With Billions of Pounds of Cheese?

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

TERRORISM UPDATE

An office worker was left terrified and trapped at work for more than half an hour because she was being 'stalked' by an aggressive squirrel.

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

DOWN BOY!

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are said to be mocked by critics as they decided to name their dog Pula, which translates to a man’s genitals.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BUT WE LIKE THE WAY ‘KRUNG THEP MAHA NAKHON’ TRIPS OFF THE TONGUE

No, English speakers and others using the Roman alphabet aren't going to have to start calling the Thai capital by its local name, Krung Thep Maha Nakhon, and drop the more familiar “Bangkok.”

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

“ONE OF THE DESIGN TEAMS SAID, ‘LET’S JUST PUT A FORK HERE AND WE’LL COME BACK TO IT’”

Oregon city installs 37-foot fork believed to be world's tallest

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BOLO

Mystery emu on the loose in Virginia

(Thanks to MOTW, who says “They opened for The Byrds.”)

OH SHUT UP

Good-looking people may be better at fighting infections, a study finds

(Thanks to The Perts)

FLYING CAR UPDATE

They claim they’re getting closer.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THERE ARE SQUIRRELS IN MICHIGAN

Entire cabin reported stolen in Michigan

(Thanks to pharmaross and Nelson from Michigan)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS TO THE BLOG THAT WE DID NOT FINISH READING

Hey Dave

Did you get my last email? Hope you don't mind the random email.

IN THE DUTCH CULTURE THIS IS A SIGN OF AFFECTION

Thousands Pledge To Egg Jeff Bezos’s Mega-Yacht As It Passes Through Rotterdam Bridge

(Thanks to Tim Couch)

'MANY OF JESUS' MOST IMPORTANT MOMENTS HAPPENED WHILE HE WAS NAKED'

See Church Where Members Attend Service Fully Naked

(Thanks to pharmaross)

MAYBE GOOGLE MAPS KNOWS SOMETHING

Indonesian man nearly marries the wrong woman after Google Maps leads him to wrong location

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

NEXT STOP: ANARCHY

SINGAPORE — Witnesses at parliamentary committee hearings do not need permission to visit the bathroom, a parliamentary office said on Wednesday.

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

WE ASSUME THESE ARE CONSENTING COWS

Cow-kissing raises funds for United Way support

(Thanks to Asher Scheine

MAKES AS MUCH SENSE TO US AS 'BITCOIN'

Dog kennel hit by meteor could fetch up to $420,000 at auction

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOU SAY YOU WANT TO TRY CURLING, BUT YOU HAVE NO RINK?

No problem.

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

P.J. O'ROURKE

P.J. O'Rourke, a brilliant writer, a wonderfully funny man and a good friend, died today. I've been a fan of his work since his National Lampoon days, and was thrilled when, a few decades ago, I got to know him, and found him to be as entertaining in person as he was in print. We hung out many times at conventions and other Serious Events populated by Serious Journalists; he was always excellent company at those things, because he refused to take them seriously. P.J. never took anything too seriously. He mainly just wanted to have a good time, which made him a joy to be around. I'll miss him, and I'll miss his voice.

SHE’D FIT RIGHT IN ON THE STREETS OF MIAMI

Drunken woman on motorized suitcase leads police chase through Orlando airport, officials say

(Thanks to pharmaross)

TURNS OUT THERE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A SNORKEL

Priest resigns after learning he has performed baptisms wrongly for 20 years

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

UPDATE

Ohio mayor resigns after linking ice fishing to prostitution

(Thanks to Static Joeage and pharmaross)

AND IN SPORTS

Celebrity Golfer Drills Photographer’s Crotch with Shanked Tee Shot

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SOUNDS PAINFUL

Pakistan has an Untapped Youth Bulge.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE ARE SHOCKED, SHOCKED

Snoop Dogg smokes weed right before star-studded Super Bowl 2022 halftime show

PAGING SHERLOCK HOLMES

5:36 a.m. A dog that had been barking for a long time was no longer barking.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Americans less likely to have sex, partner up and get married than ever

(Thanks to pharmaross)

SHE HAD HER REASONS

Woman arrested for arson after burning down husband's shed with a blow torch, police say

(Thanks to pharmaross)

JUST WATER FOR US, THANKS

Kyoto Univ. researcher seeks firms to help bring healthy moth feces tea to market

(Thanks to manalonedies)

IS WORDLE TOO PG-RATED FOR YOU?

There’s an alternative.

Advisory: NSFW

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE NEWS COULD NOT GET ANY WORSE

Maine is out of Moxie.

(Thanks to wiredog)

And apparently it’s affecting the moose.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

ANOTHER WIDESPREAD MYTH DEBUNKED

The woman claimed she had cupped her husband's balls for three years every night to stop him from snoring. There is no scientific evidence to support this 'treatment'

(Thanks to pharmaross)

MEANWHILE IN THE NEVER-ENDING POLICE DRAMA THAT IS FLATHEAD COUNTY

9:54 p.m. A man who said he would call his wife after he got out of the shower still hadn’t called three hours later.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

STILL BETTER THAN A PLEDGE DRIVE

Owners of older Mazda vehicles in the Seattle, Washington area have come across a weird issue with their cars: if they tune their radio into the local National Public Radio (NPR) affiliate, KUOW on 94.9 FM, their GPS, backup camera, and infotainment system stops working, and they can’t change the dial back to any other station.

(Thanks to Roberto)

NOW WITH ADDED... EW

A woman is demanding answers from a KFC store after she discovered deep-fried toilet paper in her order of chicken.

(Thanks to Static Joeage)

FLIES HAVE ROMANTIC DINNERS?

Feeling amorous after a romantic dinner? At least in flies, the feeling may come from the gut

(Thanks to The Perts)

WHAT, THIS, OFFICERS?

Cops: Driver Had Severed Finger In His Wallet

(Thanks to pharmaross)