Dave Barry's Blog

GUYS IN ACTION

Homeowner tries melting snow with garden-torch, sets house on fire

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR GRAND FUNK RAILROAD

Doctors have diagnosed the condition as 'restless anal syndrome'

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

NEVER DECLINE POTATOES

Man beaten with metal skillet after declining an offer of potatoes, police say

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and pharmaross)

AUSTRALIAN WEATHER FORECAST:

Sunny with a chance of cicada pee.

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING ETC.

Turtle recovered after high-speed interstate police pursuit

(Thanks to Ralph)

AW MAN

We lost Johnny Fever.

PROBABLY JUST INDICATING HIS INTENTION TO CHANGE LANES

Driver Opens Fire At Another Car On I-95 In Miami

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IT WAS THE ONLY RATIONAL RESPONSE

Walmart shopper allegedly sets fire to Bounty paper towels after being mad that they were out of almond milk in viral TikTok

(Thanks to Geoff Scott)

ALSO THE COW WILL BE FILING CHARGES

Madhya Pradesh Man Beaten For Urinating In Front Of Cow

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

‘I ACCIDENTALLY NOTICED THIS TALENT OF MINE’

Abolfazl Saber Mokhtari, 50, who broke the record in Karaj, said he has been balancing spoons on his body since he was a child.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

THE SNAKES WILL TAKE CARE OF IT

Traffic in Australia is just offal after semi-truck sloshes animal guts across highway

(Thanks to Static Joeage)

YEEPERS

Great white shark leaps into air just metres from tourist boat

(Thanks to pharmaross)

This is why nations should use yards, which we believe are longer than “metres.”

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE CLASH

Rash of sewing machine thefts at east Lincoln craft store

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FASHION UPDATE

Apparently the Munster look is in.

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT KIM JONG-UN IS GUARDING AGAINST

Shocked British tourist finds a huge monitor lizard crawling out of the toilet in Thailand

(Thanks to B&C)

‘IT IS HEAVILY GUARDED’

Kim Jong-un travels with his own portable toilet

(Thanks to pharmaross)

FLORIDA TACKLES THE ISSUES

Florida already has a state pie — key lime — and the Senate on Thursday unanimously voted to make strawberry shortcake the official state dessert.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

In fact, the official state dessert is another cocktail.

Update: Lawmakers debate adding whipped cream to Florida’s potentially new state dessert

CATS HAVE BRAINS?

Study Confirms Suspicions That Cat Brains Are Smaller Than They Used to Be

(Thanks to B&C)

AHEM

A two-lane bridge has collapsed in Pittsburgh just hours before US President Joe Biden was expected to visit to discuss his infrastructure bill.

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

From This Blog's 2021 Year In Review:

Congress finally passes the $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill, intended to repair the nation’s crumbling roads and bridges through the acquisition and deployment of 48 billion rolls of duct tape. This is the first big legislative win for Biden, who travels to New Hampshire to promote the new law by making a speech on a bridge constructed in 1939, which immediately thereafter collapses into the Pemigewasset River.

THE MIAMI WEEKEND WEATHER FORECAST

We are looking at a 110 percent chance of completely freaking out.

THIS WOULD NOT BE NEWS IN MIAMI

Man drove without insurance or a licence for more than 70 years

(Thanks to DaninDallas and B&C)

A SURGEON GOT HIGH AND SAID, ‘HEY, I HAVE AN IDEA!’

Cocaine was the secret ingredient in pig-to-human heart transplant

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THIS WAS IN FLORIDA, SO HIS STORY CHECKS OUT

Drug Suspect Claimed Bag Of Syringes Was "For Fishing," Police Report

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IT WAS A FAKE DINOSAUR, OF COURSE, BUT IT HAD A REAL FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

T-Rex stuns drivers on Interstate 4

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE HAZARDS OF BRONCO BUSTING

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from reporting on the hazards of bronco busting.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

EMAILS THIS BLOG NEVER FINISHED READING

Hi, This would be the last time I contact.

WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

TV Weatherman Appears To Fart On Air

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says “Sounds like a partially occluded front is passing through the area.”) 

THESE ARE MESSAGES CONCERNING YOUR CAR WARRANTY

Unknown space object beaming out radio signals every 18 minutes remains a mystery

(Thanks to B&C)

MAKES SENSE

New scientific paper claims octopuses are actually aliens from outer space

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

MOON THE MOON

The moon appears larger when it’s near the horizon, but you can defeat this illusion by bending over and viewing it between your legs.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Lion loses a TESTICLE after lionesses attack him for trying to steal their food

(Thanks to pharmaross)

JUSTICE BREYER IS RETIRING

This blog enjoyed serving as his mentor.

YIKES

Seriously, yikes.

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says “there had to be vodka involved.”)

WHAT’S THAT SMELL?

Hippos unleash poop tornado in response to stranger danger

(Thanks to Ralph)

UH OH

Woman who helped monkeys in Pennsylvania crash experiencing health issues: report

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THIS IS WHY WE HAVE THE DEATH PENALTY

Alabama man accused of keeping meth-fed ‘attack squirrel’ faces new charges

(Thanks to Rick Day)

THE NEWS FROM EUROPE

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting The News From Europe.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

NO WORD ON HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT BARRY MANILOW

Aliens love the Queen but not Prince Harry or Prince Andrew, UFO expert claims

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

IN SLOVAKIA, ANYWAY

Flying car wins airworthiness certification

Longer story here.

(Thanks to Gerry Studzinski and Michael Moyer)

SAID BY WHOM?

Japanese lingerie manufacturer Wacoal recently launched a line of lace boxer briefs for men that are said to be both beautiful and functional.

(Thanks to Static Joeage)

TWO GLASSES, PLUS A BOOSTER GLASS

Drinking red wine can reduce risk of catching Covid, according to new research

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

CSI: BLEACHFIELD

At some point in the preceding hours Mr Ross had male genitals drawn on his face which enabled police to quickly track him down from a description of the culprits.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

TikTokers Scream As Huntsman Spider Lands On Their Car Window In Drive-Thru

You know the continent.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

KENTUCKY TRAFFIC REPORT

A Limo With A Trunk-Mounted Stripper Pole Crashed Into A Creek

No doubt en route to Florida.

(Thanks to James Flynn)

ATTENTION, DETROIT LIONS FANS:

Trophy drought: A cow must be sacrificed to reverse the bad luck on Black Stars – Prophet

(Thanks to pharmaross)

UPDATE

Nephew who took uncle's corpse to post office for pension 'didn't know he was dead'

Totally plausible.

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w

IF IT WAS 'COPACABANA,' WE'D UNDERSTAND

Man divorces wife in record time after her song choice at their wedding sparks family row

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WARREN

The great Warren Zevon would have turned 75 today. He played many times with the Rock Bottom Remainders, possibly because he learned so much about music from me and Steve King.

THAT SHOULD FIX HIS CREDIT RATING

Man Sets Bank Branch on Fire After Being Denied Loan

(Thanks to Ralph)

WONDER WHY

Is Old Music Killing New Music?

(Thanks to Rod Nunley and pharmaross)