Dave Barry's Blog

PROBABLY A GEICO COMMERCIAL

NASA scientists left baffled after recording 'eerie sounds' deep in space

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

A Florida Man denied ownership of baggies containing cocaine and methamphetamine that cops found “wrapped around his penis” during a search early Saturday morning, according to arrest affidavits.

(Thanks to Michael Moyer and maryann)

GUYS IN ACTION

Guys blow up a Tesla for some guy reason. (You can skip to 5:15.)

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

AUSTRALIA:

Even the turkeys are badasses.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS TO THE BLOG THAT WE DID NOT FINISH READING

Hi Dave,

Has the online reputation of your business suffered because some of your customers had a bad day?

LOOKING FOR AMBIENCE?

Here you go.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

NEEDLESS TO SAY HE MOVED TO FLORIDA

Former Connecticut GOP digital director now working as a porn star

(Thanks to Stan Ruth, who says "What's the difference, exactly?")

BETTER THAN LIGHT BEER

Parrots getting drunk after eating fallen, fermenting mangoes

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

LET'S NOT BE HASTY

Women executed 300 years ago as witches in Scotland set to receive pardons

(Thanks to DaninDallas, who says "I hope they're properly grateful.")

MAKES MORE SENSE THAN DRINKING IT

Miller Lite unveils Christmas tree ornaments filled with beer

(Thanks to EricY)

SOUNDS KINKY

Running of the Balls in Greensboro attracts thousands from the Triad

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE'RE GOING TO QUIT READING THE NEWS

Candy cane shortage fueled by COVID, weak peppermint harvest

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WILL THEY NAME IT ELON?

Philadelphia woman gives birth in front seat of Tesla on autopilot

(Thanks to Rick Day)

TWO?

How many bananas would I need to eat to become radioactive?

(Thanks to Ralph)

IN THAT CASE, YOUNG MAN, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Five-year-old caught driving car north of Kingston, Ont. wanted to buy present for sister, police say

(Thanks to The Perts)

PROBABLY HIDING FROM THE MOUSE PLAGUE

Video Shows Deadly Snake Curled Up in Child's Shoe

(Thanks to pharmaross)

A GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND

Human brain cells grown in lab learn to play video game faster than AI

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOUR DAILY AUSTRALIAN PLAGUE STORY

Mouse plague deals fresh blow to Australian farmers

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "They need more snakes?")

BOLO

Ohio police seeking thieves who stole 58-foot bridge

(Thanks to DaninDallas and pharmaross)

DO YOU LIVE IN A HIGH-RISE?

You should have a crab.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

YOU KNOW WHO'S GIVING THE ORDERS

Family's Rudolph decoration repeatedly attacked by real deer

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS, BUT IT SOUNDS BAD

Scientist Who Trained Rats to Play “Doom II” Says He May Start Twitch Channel

(Thanks to John Lobert)

YOU KNOW THE BANANA IS GOING TO SUE

Doctor in London Performs Remote Surgery on Banana in California

(Thanks to John Lobert, who says "I find it difficult to believe that there’s no one in California who will do banana surgery.")

TO BOLDLY GO

Man Attempts to Use a Drone to Decorate Tree in Front of His House With a String of Christmas

(Thanks to John Lobert)

WHO COULD HAVE FORESEEN IT? II

The two straw goats of Gavle, Sweden’s most endangered Christmas decorations, have gone up in flames after surviving nearly a month on a downtown square.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DEPARTMENT OF ARTICLES WE DID NOT EVEN BEGIN TO READ

Giving birth through your penis?

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BETTER THAN SNAKES, WE SUPPOSE

Florida Couple Finds 80,000 'Nice' Bees in Their Home's Shower Wall amid Bathroom Renovation

(Thanks to Michael Parry, GJ and B&C)

WHO COULD HAVE FORESEEN IT?

A major dairy company has apologized following backlash over an inflammatory milk commercial that depicted women turning into dairy cows.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE HAVE REACHED PEAK AUSTRALIA

Huntsman spider interrupts Australian Covid press briefing

(Thanks to Steve)

Australians warned against surge in snakes and spiders

(Thanks to pharmaross)

PRESUMABLY THEY WILL BE RETURNED TO DEKAY

Six Dekay’s Brown Snakes Found In Wall Of Target Bathroom

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Woman drugged boyfriend ‘because he wouldn’t shut the f--- up’ cops say

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HE IS WELCOME IN MIAMI

The Ghana Drunkards Association has indefinitely suspended its Tasting Officer, Afreh Aboagye aka Sixty over irresponsible drinking.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE NEWS COULD NOT GET ANY WORSE

FRITO-LAY's signature snack, Flamin' Hot Cheetos, is reportedly in a shortage.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

AT LEAST NOBODY STOLE IT

Bangkok man calls for rescue after locking penis in padlock

(Thanks to pharmaross)

IF YOU, LIKE SO MANY MUSIC LOVERS, HAVE BEEN WAITING TO SEE 'I WANNA BE SEDATED' PERFORMED BY A UKULELE ORCHESTRA

...your wait is over.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AND IN SPORTS

Brazilian Politicians Are Now Settling Disputes With MMA Fighting

(Thanks to Rod Nunley and Barry Nester, both of whom want to bring this concept to Washington.)

JUST STOP

Craft Beer and Crypto Collide in New Alternate Ending Beer Co. Limited Release Can

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

THERE'S A FUN SURPRISE INSIDE

People warned to keep an eye out for 'walnut-sized lumps' on their Christmas trees

(Thanks to pharmaross)

Update: Alert commenter wiredog points out that Mr. Gene Weingarten once wrote about this.

LOOKING FOR UNIQUE JEWELRY?

Look no further.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

CSI: WARWICKSHIRE

Police hunt burglar who packed 15 royal pythons into wheeled holdall and made off through cemetery in Warwickshire

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

WE MIGHT AS WELL SHRED THE NEW ZEALAND CONSTITUTION, ASSUMING THERE IS ONE

NZ Aviation Security Service Bans Lightsabers from Carry-On Luggage

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS MEANS *YOU* CAN PERFORM BRAIN SURGERY!

Rocket scientists and brain surgeons aren't smarter than everyone else: study

(Thanks to B&C, The Perts and Le Petomane)

HANG A SHINING STAR UPON THE HIGHEST BOWWWWWWWWW

Family finds venomous snake slithering in their Christmas tree

Incredibly, this did not happen in Australia.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

TODAY'S POLITICAL UPDATE

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you Today's Political Update.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Ed. Floden)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Oxford professor tries to work out how many legs are in the 12 Days of Christmas

(Thanks to John Lobert)

THEY'RE ALSO CONSIDERING SHAQUILLE O'NEAL

Should Pluto Be Reinstated As A Planet? A New Study Says Yes

(Thanks to Rod Nunley)

MEN WITH TODGERS:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

AND IN SPORTS

Violent brawl breaks out at Realtor Convention inside Harrah’s Resort in Atlantic City

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

INCREDIBLY, IT WAS NOT ISSUED BY FLORIDA

Green Bay man had valid driver's license at time of alleged 18th OWI

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

AS IS HER CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

Louisiana woman drives to Sheriff’s Office and refuses to leave until she’s arrested

(Thanks to pharmaross)