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October 19, 2021

CSI: THEODOSIA, MO.

Investigators say while the deputy chased Cole, he noticed something suspicious in his hand. The deputy arrested him, realizing Cole was holding a Marie Callender chocolate cream pie.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

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Leave the gun. Take the pie.

I sympathize with the man. A chocolate pie is worth protecting at all cost. Tasering a man for holding his pie close, Oh, the humanity!

My 'Ozark Man' story.

Clarification. Ozark Man is similar to Florida Man, but less refined.

A friend from the Ozarks was selling a car and had this to say about the car, "I shined the wheels, that jacks the price."

So, when my other friends and I mention my friend from the Ozarks in conversation one of us inevitably at some point in the conversation says, "I shined the wheels, that jacks the price."

In another incident...

The same Ozark friend was driving the car through Jack in the Box drive thru line and came to the clown who had a speaker mounted on his head to take your order. So, my friend from the Ozarks opens the window next to the clown and says, 'I'd like a cheeseburger with only lettuce." My buddy starts making weird noises sounding like there are birds in the car who are obviously chirping out orders asking for a burger with only lettuce on it. So, my friend from the Ozarks says, "Hey man, be quiet, I'm trying to order food here."

When my friends and I get together and bring up my friend from the Ozarks the conversation inevitably ends with, "I wanna cheeseburger with only lettuce."

Every time I think of my friend from the Ozarks I imagine him shining his wheels and jacking up the price of his car and realize just how much he actually looks like the Jack in the Box clown, Jack.

Holding a pie, you say? It's in the Ozarks, man. Or Ozark Man. Har.

The calories and fat in that thing will kill you.

It was likely a stolen pie making the suspect a pie-rate of the car he be in.

A semi-quick story. If you try and picture this, it is 1970's humor at it's best. I would think this has probably happened to each and every one of you.

I'm with my Ozark friend one night and he's driving and says, "hey man I know where there is going to be a monster party over by the college, let's head over there." I say, "cool."

So we get to the house and it was near the college across the way like he said. As we walk up the front steps and the concrete pathway leading go the front door, I step over this huge man laying in the pathway passed out drunk. From there we enter the house and it makes Animal house look like child's play. Everyone is drunk and smoking giant bongs (this was early 70's when a bong was a bong) not one of the little pocket numbers out there today. We had a rockin' good time, said bye to some chicks who were out of their minds drunk and walked back to his car.

So, we are back in the car, the car was my buddy from the Ozarks mom's Chevy Nova. His mom is a school teacher and has an immaculate 1970's Nova. I mention this because every time I question my Ozark Buddy's integrity He says with outermost confidence to me, "hey, my Mom's gotta Master's Degree."

We drive off. He is so drunk He can barely see. We spin around the corner onto the large heavily traveled street and the cops throw the red light on from the back. Really bright lights and positioned right on our back bumper. So my Ozark buddy stops the car and opens his door and steps out just in time to meet the cop walking up to the driver's side, then the cops says, "can I see your driver's license?" My friend slurs in his Ozark drawl, "shuir" reaches in back pockey=t and pulls out his wallet. The wallet goes fling out into the middle of the street. The cops walks out and retrieves the wallet from the middle of the street and comes back with it. My Ozark friend says something like, this is my mom's car, she has a Master's Degree and we out just having a little fuun tonight." No keep in mind the whole time it is all my friend can do to remain standing up! I couldn't believe it, but the cop let us go!

So, my friend drives me home and lets me off in front of my house. I say, see 'ya." He says, "see 'ya and drives off up my street. I get part way up my yard headed for the door and I hear from up the street in the direction he drove off, "Crrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash!" Really loud. He obvioussly hit something. I just go ahead and go inside the house.

A couple of du=ys later, after He had slept it off, I talk with him. He says, "man when I drove off from your house, I hit a fricking parked car. Man, fricked my mom's car all up." I said, "really, you had a wreck?

I've lived American Pie several lives worth.

man tom--We can assume that later, when you drove your Chevy to the levy, but the levy was dry, that due to a lack of funds you ate your American Pie and decided to try your hand at song writing?

A long, long time ago
I can still remember how that music
Used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And maybe they'd be happy for a while

Something touched me deep inside
The day my Pontiac died


So, bye-bye, Miss American Pie
Drove my Pontiac to the train track, but went down the embankment where it's dry
And them good ol' boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye
Singin', "This should of been the day that He died
Let's pull him out before it's the day man tom dies yet.

See what I did there.

When chocolate cream pies are outlawed...

IF his attorney can convince the jury that the pie was actually a doughnut, he walks.

Imagine if he had been holding a European handbag, aka man-purse!

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