Dave Barry's Blog

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

Wild boar on streets of Rome are being used against me, says mayor

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

ADVISORY TO AUSTRALIANS WITH ATTICS:

Stay downstairs.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WHILE AT THE SAME TIME OPENING FOR THE WHO

Crypto trading hamster outperforms Bitcoin, Warren Buffett, Cathie Wood

(Thanks to Ralph)

A PAIR OF FLORIDA LICENSES ARE ON THE WAY

Copulating couple’s car rolls, flips over after handbrake released during romp

(Thanks to DaninDallas and Emily, Leslie and w)

FLORIDIAN + FLATHEAD = CRITICAL MASS

5:04 p.m.  A Floridian who had previously been unable to find the library was now at the library and unable to find his car.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

TRAFFIC ADVISORY

The great tarantula migration is underway in Colorado

(Thanks to The Perts)

'STAY OUT OF NATURE'

Terrified woman hears 'squeak' then finds bat hanging upside-down on her crotch

(Thanks to Ralph and pharmaross)

IT HAD *BETTER* BE RARE

Man poops out of penis due to rare condition

(Thanks to AmoebaStampede and DaninDallas)

THAT SHOULD DO THE TRICK

Scientists Are Trying To Save Texas Ocelots. So They Sent Testicles To Ohio

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

ALMOST THE PERFECT CRIME

Lake City man steals car, tries to trade it back to same dealership days later

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner, Jim Kenaston, Barry Nester and pharmaross)

BUT NO IGUANAS

Elon Musk says Inspiration4 crew had 'challenges' with the toilet

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

'THAT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE'

Hey, South Florida, Look Before You Sit! Beware Of Iguanas In The Toilet!

(Thanks to Asher Scheiner)

THESE CARP TODAY

Hundreds of carp dead in Michigan had herpes, DNR says

(Thanks to pharmaross)

THE SQUIRRELS TOOK THEM

How Humans Lost Their Tails

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

OR MAYBE THEY JUST DON'T WANT TO HELP ANYBODY MOVE

Even mathematicians can't figure out how to move a sofa around a corner

(Thanks to Ralph)

FIRST THE STOCK MARKET, AND NOW THIS

People are worried about going back to the office because they don’t want to poo at work

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

WAIT... WHAT?

Police find accused leg thief with leg strapped to head

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

THIS IS HOW THEY GET THE KIDS HOOKED

New Zealand police arrest pair trying to enter Auckland with ‘large amount’ of KFC

(Thanks to MOTW and Allen at Division)

Another Version: Gang members are caught smuggling $100 worth of KFC into locked-down Auckland as residents struggle without fast food for almost five weeks

(Thanks to Michael Moyer, who says "gangs I would join...")

SEND THIS GOAT TO AUSTRALIA

Canada: mountain goat kills attacking grizzly bear with ‘dagger-like’ horns

(Thanks to Barry Nester and Nigel Grout)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Wally the wandering walrus is spotted in Iceland

When he's in France, he's striped.

(Thanks to wiredog)

IF WE HAD A NICKEL FOR EVERY TIME…

There’s a raccoon eating king crab legs in your attic, workers tell Pa. homeowners

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND IN SPORTS

World black pudding throwing championships back in Ramsbottom

(Thanks to Ralph)

The winner will immediately be offered a contract by the Miami Dolphins.

WE HAVE THE MEATS

Woman Finds Human Finger After Biting Into Fast-Food Burger

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BOLO

Fake $100 bills shot out of cannon during homecoming are turning up around Georgia

AND IN SPORTS

Football referees trapped in locker room, door blocked with vending machine, file charges

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHRED THE BILL OF WELSH RIGHTS

Tourists have been warned against taking selfies with goats on cliffs in a Welsh seaside town.

Huh: The coastguard said the goats are safe and urged people to stay away.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

AFTER SPENDING THE SUMMER ON TOUR WITH COLDPLAY

Carnivorous hammerhead worms invade local lawns

(Thanks to pharmaross)

TURNS OUT AL GORE WON

POLK COUNTY, Fla. (WFLA) – A Polk County girl thought she had won the top title in a statewide pageant this past weekend, but the Miss Rodeo Florida Organization has informed the family that it was a mistake.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS THIS BLOG DID NOT FINISH READING

Dear Dave,

Just checking in one last time to make sure we don't get overlooked in your inbox.

GOOD LUCK, ME HEARTY

This Guy Running For Canadian Parliament Wants Men Not to Ejaculate

(Thanks to Unholy Slackarrrrr)

MATEYS:

DO NOT CLICK HAARRRRR

(Thanks to way too many people)

 

AHOY THE POOP DECK

Nebraska students stealing soap dispensers, toilet seats as part of TikTok challenge

(Thanks to Asher Scheinarrrrr)

ARRRR

Arrrrr.

ADVICE FOR AUSTRALIANS PLANNING TO DO THE LAUNDRY:

Don't.

(Thanks to pharmaross)

BOLO

Colorado town pleads for return of stolen phone booth

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

PRECISELY THE PURPOSE FOR WHICH 911 WAS CREATED

Man Kept Calling 911 To Report He Was Tired

(Thanks to pharmaross)

WE KNOW WHO *NOT* TO CALL

Whale carcass prompts emergency response at Great Kills Park

(Thanks to Jane Linderman and pharmaross)

EMAIL TO THE BLOG

Because there was once a time when I cared about such things, I will occasionally still get emails from a group that tracks academic publications.  Supposedly (meaning I have to believe these folks) when they spot my name, they send a query to make sure I am the author.

Here is an actual real life question I got today: Are you the Craig Magee who wrote  "Diachronous sub-volcanic intrusion along deep water margins: insights from the Irish Rockall Basin"?

I replied:  No, you've got me confused with the Craig Magee who wrote about diachronous sub-volcanic intrusions in SHALLOW water.  Easy mistake.  Happens all the time.

-- Craig Magee

'BEPANTED?'

Bepanted shovel-toting farmer wins privacy payout from France TV

(Thanks to John Lobert)

Wouldn't that mean with pants?

TIME TO START HOARDING

Earth’s oxygen is projected to run out in a billion years

The toilet paper will be long gone by then.

(Thanks to Roberto)

WHAT NOW

Shopkeepers urged by police not to sell baked beans to children due to new TikTok trend

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT BE TOMARRRRRRRROW, ME HEARTIES

Arr.

IN THAT CASE, SIR, PLEASE RESUME FIRING

Kentucky man shoots out of hotel window, says he was aiming at aliens

(Thanks to pharmaross)

'COREGASMS'

10 per cent of gym goers have had an orgasm while exercising, study finds

(Thanks to pharmaross, who says "Please wipe down the equipment when you are finished.")

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR HEART

Stonington police warn residents of aggressive minks

(Thanks to pharmaross)

A PAIR OF FLORIDA LICENSES ARE ON THE WAY

Indiana State Police say a drunk husband crashed his car into a tractor trailer not far from his house. When his allegedly drunk wife went to pick him up, she crashed her car into his wrecked vehicle that was still on the road.

(Thanks to Jillian)

WE HAVE SOME QUESTIONS

Astronaut blood can be used to make concrete on Mars, scientists say

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE LIKE 'COME AND TASTE TE PUKE'

The hunt for New Zealand's worst-ever city slogan is nearing its end, and it's looking like Hutt Valley is the town to beat.

(Thanks to Jane Linderman)

'EXCITING ECOLOGICAL OPTION'

Body composting a ‘green’ alternative to burial, cremation

(Thanks to Barry Nester)

THAT WOULD BE FLORIDA

Objects at the Solar System’s Edge Are Being Influenced by Something Mysterious

(Thanks to Le Petomane)